i love helene

this morning i received an email from a close, personal friend who revealed that she starts her morning off every day by typing in "gin" into her internet machine.  i'm assuming that she means that she reads whatever drivel i scrape together into a blog post and so i was flattered.  but then she was all "it's been the same since monday" which i basically interpreted to mean "get it the fuck together and post something."  

but i basically have nothing of substance.  

which i never do but today feels different.  

like i'm indifferent about this banana yogurt i'm eating.  do i hate it?  do i like it?  i don't know.  

i'm severely regretting how thankful i was last night when i remembered that i bought two bottles of wine.  because now i'm all "ugh you bought TWO bottles of wine."  i don't think i need to spell it out for you but I DRANK BOTH (with help).  pebbles is back (my engagement ring).  she's still sick but she got steam cleaned so at least there's that.  i got lost in the black hole of GIFs this morning.  but they were new york GIFS.  so totally acceptable.  also - don't tell shitler but i'm going to amazon to buy the DVDs of her show.

i love her.

fun story.  everyone here at work is super concerned with a bird that keeps shitting on all the cars.  like so much so that everyone makes a point to park in a certain area as to avoid the shitting bird.  but it just confuses me and also angers me because it's a bird.  and they shit.  it's what they do.  and you will never avoid all the bird shit in the world.  wherever you go there will be another bird with more shit and it will unload on your car.  so maybe these people need to come to terms with the bird shit like i have.  which i think came from the one time i got shit on by a bird during a soccer game.  like it was all in my hairs and i just had to accept it till the game was over.  kind of like immersion therapy.  maybe these people need bird shit immersion therapy.  speaking of poop.  have i ever told you kids how much shitler poops?  it's a lot.  and like i don't think it's normal.  as in sometimes he'll have to excavate his colon mid-meal.  it's concerning.  maybe he's allergic to gluten.  this morning at the gas station when i bought two gatorades, a vitamin water, a regular water, and two bananas there was an older woman that kept insisting on getting in this seventeen year old's ferrari.  lady - step away from the cradle.  this last weekend i almost choked an eight year old.  mainly because he was getting real nasty with his mom and kept insisting "NO MOM - that was my THIRD regatta."  how dare his whore mom lose count.  the owner of the company i work for told me i was practical.
he obviously knows nothing of my love for cat knick knacks and rhinos covered in string.  last night samm insisted that we needed to become internet/youtube famous.  i asked shitler what he thought of the idea and then he said that he was going to start his own youtube show to talk about how stupid our show was.  i'll be honest.  his mean streak - it turns me on.  does anyone else see blog posts or tweets and you just want to either comment with "this entire post was stupid.  just like you" or "shut up you're dumb."?  if you agree could you please do so with anything that i post/tweet.  i appreciate brutal honesty.  i should really buy my dmb tickets.  raise your hand if it exhausts you when people are just trying too damn hard.  it's just so, so obvious and it's borderline painful to observe.  i've side-eyed the pile of work on my desk like a thousand times and pictured myself just sweeping it all into the garbage.  but i'm not that badass.  i read brandi's book drinking and tweeting and i can't help but giggle every time i post a picture of a sunset.  like "muahahahaha brandi.  i know what you said but it's just so pretty and i'm just so drunk that i think this is a good idea."  

fun fact - i just googled the rules about referencing a book.  like i'm in school. and like anyone cares.
lastly - did you rate my story?  i swear to god if i find out you didn't i'll find you and throat punch you.

p.s.  i've decided that i don't like the banana yogurt.  but i'm going to hate-eat every last bite because i don't like being wasteful.

p.p.s. i'm sorry for this post.

      

In Which Bacon Brings Shitler to Justice Via a Bird

i like to tell myself that i'm pretty bad ass.  and by bad ass i mean let's bake cupcakes on a friday night.
i know, bad ass right?
so i did.  i made cupcakes.  the champagne ones.  and it was mainly like one bottle of champagne for the cupcakes and one bottle for me.



and then i started thinking about bacon and about how much i loved it.  and then i found myself frying a pound of bacon at 8PM on friday.  and then thinking about all the ways i could add them to my cupcakes.  and then shitler started being a real douche about bacon.  going so far as to claim that it's the least flavorful of all the breakfast foods.  so i decided to just go for it and make the bacon cupcakes and make shitler eat crow when everyone that i made eat them loved them.


yes.  it happened.  and it was glorious.
except shitler still wouldn't try one because he said that he refused to become part of the fad that dictates that "bacon makes everything better (we all know it's not a fad.  it's a fucking fact)."
even when everyone that tried one loved them.
and that the bacon cupcakes got snapped up quicker than the regular  ones.  
so still, we are at odds over the merits of bacon.  and i couldn't help but think that he really need to be brought down a peg or four.
and then it happened.  the very next day.  like i'm talking karma gift-wrapped a present for me and the card that went along with it read "this is for all the abuse you and bacon have had to suffer at the hands of shitler."

yes.
a bird shit on shitler.
and then all was right in the world.
because it doesn't really get much better than that.
oh, it does.  because shitler hosed off the bird shit like this: