Friday, July 31

marriage advice

a few fridays ago i randomly had off from the restaurant.
and it's super weird when that happens because i end up feeling like a normal person with a normal weekend.  but the feeling is so foreign (and few and far between) that i'm usually left perplexed and confused about what to do with a random night that doesn't involve work or something that's not already planned.  so when i got home and asked shitler what he wanted to do he replied with "wanna just get drunk or something?"  and i was like "that sounds nice; although pretty similar to what we normally do but ok it's friday and like 6PM so why not."  so we did.  and then shitler was like "i'm going to fuck around with my air soft gun."  and i was all "whatever; i don't even care."

and then shitler waxed on and on about what type of air soft gun it was.  but then it wouldn't work right.  and then he had to charge the batteries.
and then he had to remind me about how he bought it for like $10 on clearance at wal-mart.


and then it wasn't working right. so he re-loaded and practiced his aim.



and by this point in time i was at least four vodka presses in and beginning to get curious about air soft guns.  like mainly curious about how it would feel.  and shitler assured me that it didn't really hurt.  at least not that bad.  so shitler (a little too gleefully) suggested that he go like forty feet away and aim for my foot and then i would know what it felt like it.  so, like an idiot, i agreed.  and what's even more curious about the entire situation was that i was drunk enough to know that getting shot in the foot with an air soft gun was a bad idea but i was still drunk enough to know that i wanted to know what it felt like.

spoiler alert: it hurts like a bitch and will leave a giant, red welt on your foot.

and naturally i had over-served myself to the point where i couldn't figure out how to auto-focus and get a shot of the air soft gun induced welt so i don't even have anything to show for it.

which leads me to the point of this post: marriage advice.

DO get drunk with your spouse.
DO NOT let your spouse shoot you in the foot with an air soft gun.


p.s. shitler has incredible aim.  thank god.
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Thursday, June 25

the one where we went camping a month ago

oh hai there internet friends.
it's me shannon; are you still there?

i really have to commend those that blog on a consistent basis (or let's be honest; even a semi-consistent basis) because i just don't know how they do it.  i have the means to blog consistently but lack the drive for any follow through.  because at the end of the day i'd rather plop my ass on the couch and sedate myself with reruns of trash television that i've already seen thirty-seven times than write blog posts.

but today i thought i would pull my head out of my ass and post about the time shitler and i went camping a month ago.
so here we go.

we went someplace like 2 hours away.  for the life of me i can't remember what it was called but i do remember shitler telling me there were bluffs and we could hike.  but that never happened (obviously).

we bought a dutch oven but didn't even use it because PUDGY PIES.
and naturally here's a picture of shitler enjoying a delicious breakfast burrito after i just mentioned pudgy pies.
nothing in my life makes sense - i know.


and then naturally i took too many pictures of the muttz.

and then at one point shitler probably thought i was more nuts than usual because i came racing back from the bathroom to grab my camera and when he asked what i was doing i was all "taking pictures of a fairy's home!"  and he was like "what the fuck."  but i was obviously correct because HELLO LOOK AT THE FAIRY HOME BELOW.


and then we took the dogs to the beach.
where they were so handsomely adorable.

and then the muttz intently stared at shitler while he strolled up and down the beach by himself.

and then shitler did something he hasn't done in quite some time.
RUN.  baywatch style; down the beach.


and then naturally stopped to pose.  in the most tantalizing of ways. #thighsfordays

and then murphy lee got real pensive about the scenery.

and then turned around and couldn't contain his excitement about said scenery.

and then we left a day early because it wouldn't stop raining, and the dogs were soaking wet, and i was sick of having to sit at the picnic table underneath the canopy and stare at shitler while we did nothing.  and by nothing i mean i read my kindle and he bugged me to pay attention to him.

p.s. we also played beer bong.


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Wednesday, May 6

a massive dump (not the toilet kind)

ahhhhhhhhhhh wednesday.
it's here and like semi-glorious, right?


i'm sure you'll notice that things are a bit different looking around here.
and by different looking i mean beautiful and spectacular and lovely.
my lady, natalie, over at designstoned hooked.it.up.
and i love the new design so much that i think i would hump it if i could.
but i won't.  because i don't know really know how to do that and i don't want people witnessing it to think that i'm any weirder than they already think me to be.

here's a brief recap of all the crap i've been doing.
also my one year wedding anniversary was monday.  you can read that post here.


i did a crazy thing and pumped the brakes on all the smut i usually read.
instead i read both of andy cohen's books, tina fey's book, amy poehler's book, and the fox chronicles. and as a result all i want to do is be best friends with andy cohen, skin and wear tina fey, and basically take over amy poehler's life.
real talk - amy poehler's book was one of the best books i have ever read.  and the fox chronicles were awesome.
futuristic and scary and poignant.


cross stitching.  lots of cross stitching.

shitler always gets on me about my "hobbies."  and by hobbies he means things i get fucking pumped for, do for two weeks, and then lose interest in.  joke's on him though.  i've been cross stitching since i was a wee pup and the only thing i'm doing differently this time around is cross stitching super inappropriate things that i can give as gifts and hang around my house and look at and giggle.

p.s. please do provide any and all inappropriate cross stitch patterns you may have.


i know crock pots are nothing new but i think i sometimes forget how wonderful they truly are.  last night i threw a bunch of chicken in with some chicken stock, spicy taco seasoning, and some spicy ranch seasoning packets.  then i crammed it all down my gullet and rejoiced.  i also ate this ridiculously delicious filet for our anniversary dinner.  like it was covered in hollandaise sauce, asparagus, and crab meat kind of delicious.  bully for me, ya'll.


sia's "elastic heart" is my damn jam.  i know it's nothing new but that ish on repeat is heaven on earth.
not to mention ed sheeran's "tenerife sea," "come join the murder" from the sons of anarchy soundtrack, and "fresh blood" from the jinx's opening credits.
here you go for some easy listening.





i've been watching a(n) unhealthily large amount of television lately.
first season of unbreakable kimmy schmidt?  cashed it.
last season of sons of anarchy? done.  killed it (pun intended).
the jinx. whoa.  just so much whoa because that man is a true looney tune/certifiable psychopath.
silicon valley?  not done but seriously obsessed.


and there you have it.  
a recap.  of what i've been doing while not being present here.
because sometimes here is LAME.

but for reals - designstoned for all your blog design needs.

DO IT TO IT, LARS.

p.s. all header photos belong to unsplash.  i just played with them.

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Monday, May 4

happy divorce day

i'm not even going to consult my blog for the last time that i posted something because it's been like thirty-seven hot minutes since that happened and i don't even care.

but then last week shitler was all "hey. our one year anniversary is monday. are we doing something?"  and i was all "sure. why not."  and he was like "what do you want to do?"  and i was all "i don't know. eat somewhere?"  and then he was all "where?"  and i was all "let's decide later."

and then i got to thinking that i should write a blog post.  and i was actually pumped.  but then time got away from me.
like on friday we spent four hours fish frying.  and by that i mean going to two separate places and waiting (and also drinking) and then finding out that the place ran out of fish so then we went somewhere and waited (and drank more) and then finally ate.  and then when i got home i was drunk on four drinks and tried to watch the second to last episode of sons of anarchy but fell asleep fifteen minutes into it instead.  and that was also the night that shitler couldn't reach the ATM and instead showed off his junky trunk.


and then saturday shitler was doing some side job and i spent the day like any twenty nine year old would: cross stitching and watching crime documentaries.  a quick interjection - i cannot BELIEVE how insane robert durst is.  and then i worked a restaurant shift and came home and organized my cross stitching floss and half-ass cleaned the house (like swept dog hair into a discreet corner and shoved things in drawers) while drinking.


and then sunday i laid on the couch and watched silicon valley until our friends called and were like "let's go boating and bar hopping!"  and shitler and i were like "OK."  and then we did.  and i ate too much and drank too much and then our friend was like "hey shitler. here's twenty doll hairs. get some pull tabs."  and shitler was like "DONE. we'll split the winnings 25/75."  and then shitler ripped open his third pull tab in and IT WAS FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS.  and now we can't say that we're the type of people that never win anything because HOLY WINNINGS.


and then it was time for sleeps.  
and naturally i hadn't written a blog post because that is THE STORY OF MY WHOLE, ENTIRE LIFE.
but it is, in fact, our one year anniversary.
i posted something mushy on the 'gram.


and then shitler texted me this.


so.  to bring things full circle we have decided on something to do.
go to dinner and get drunk with the man that married us, his wife, and our two other friends that went to mexico with us.

also i didn't get shitler anything for a gift.  
yet.

so i just googled what the anniversaries are.  what the fuck, paper?
obviously the traditional gift is not applicable.  
the modern gift is a clock.
which works more in my favor.
because i'm getting my snooch waxed after work.  it's time.
and therein lies shitler's one year anniversary gift.

GET IT.
SEE WHAT I DID THERE.

MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU.
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Monday, April 6

dogs vs. assholes

how does that saying go?
the one about your dog and being a person or something?


there.
that one.

it's weird.
as time goes by and things and people change you can't help but wonder if things were always a certain way or if it's just now that you're starting to notice it?

because it's not just about being the kind of person your dog thinks you are.
sometimes it's about wishing the people you surround yourself with are more like your dogs.
because really dogs are just super excited to see you.  and they want you to spoon them and give them treats and more snuggles and then also throw their sticks for them.  and isn't that basically what we all want out of life (minus the stick throwing; or not - depending on what you're into).  


sometimes shitler gives me a hard time because my favorite thing in the whole world is doing nothing by myself (and by extension my dogs because hello they love me).  but let's be honest - it's because my dogs don't make rude comments about my appearance or behaviors.  frankly if i'm suffering through a particularly bad hangover - mac just licks my face and lays next to me rather than judging and ridiculing me for my poor decision making the night before.  neither dog makes any off color comments about whether it looks like i've packed on a few pounds (they might be thinking it but thankfully they can't verbalize it and really they would just want to go for a walk for their own selfish reasons rather than thinking i needed to shed some LBs).  they don't rip on me for what i enjoy doing or whether or not i'm making the right life choices (at least what others deem are the right life choices).

it's a weird thing.  
it's weird because it's easy for me to champion other people.  and to be upset when others are treated like total shit.  but, i've found, that when it comes to me it's easier to just internalize it and then ruminate on it for weeks on end until i finally get over it and move on.  because really i just try to treat people the way that i would want to be treated.  and i don't think others would like to be told things that are intentionally hurtful.  so truly it's just confusing; that some people enjoy saying things about other individuals that they wouldn't want to hear about themselves.


i don't really have any way to wrap this up.

i like my dogs.  they're not assholes.
maybe that's the moral of the story.  don't be a fucking asshole.

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Friday, March 13

some things on friday

FRIDAY.
get down.  get down on friday for realz.
and a friday in which i don't have to sling sushi at the restaurant and instead will be travelling to the north woods is a good friday, indeed.

let's do a quick friday favorites.  or five on friday.
whichever.

1 // i can't stop listening to this song.


like can't stop to the point that i was in the car with shitler the other night and tried to demonstrate to him what i looked like listening to it on repeat while at the gym on the elliptical and it involved a lot of jerky, uncoordinated movements and he was like "you don't seriously do that the gym, do you?"  and i was all "i'll never tell."

2 // earlier this week a co-worker reached her paws over the wall that separated our cubes and stuck heart-shaped tacks in my cube while quietly whispering "here; these are for you."  it was both weird and left me with a case of the giggles.


3 // if you don't watch trailer park boys then we can't be friends because it was just recently announced that season nine will be available for my viewing pleasure at the end of this month and i can't f'ing wait.


4 // my best friend in the whole entire world had a baby on monday!  she said she's biased and thinks it's the cutest baby in all the land and maybe i'm biased too but i happen to totally agree with her that it is, indeed, the cutest baby ever to grace this good earth.  i would post a picture, but no, you'll just have to take my word for it.

5 // i've mentioned previously that i don't like doing things that i think shitler should be responsible for.  one of said shitler responsibilities is the unclogging of the shower drain.  he routinely blames me and murphy lee (smurf lee sleeps in the bathtub - it's weird - i know) for the amount of hair that clogs the drain and whatever i'll deny it to the day i die that it's solely our faults because have you seen that hairy beast that is shitler?  but i digress.  because on tuesday i had to wash my gym shoes off in the tub (since it's mud season) and it immediately clogged up the drain.  so naturally i texted shitler to apprise him of the clogged drain situation and the following conversation was had:


i would link up with natalie but noooooooo her link up isn't live yet.

rude.

bye.
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