i never have been good with blog titles

i'll never understand the way my brain works.

like i'll swear off drinking for the weekend but then decide to tie one on on a school night.

it just makes no sense.  i think i'm broken.  fix me.

but i digress.  here are some things i'm high-fiving.

 

1// although i hate the restaurant job more than anything else in the world it's only slightly bearable because my manager is the best ever.  you know your boss knows you inside and out when his form of punishment for doing all the things wrong is to threaten to give me more hours or make me close.  that will stop me dead in my tracks.

2// i'm not sure why i find this picture so damn hilarious.  i think it's because it looks like a pig nose.  only it's not.  it's two kernels of corn nestled in piece of halved tomato.  WHY IS IT SO FUNNY TO ME?

3// i know sundays typically feel like death but i can't help but love them because it means game of thrones.  only i watched last week's episode on monday so therefore i can include it in the things i'm high-fiving.  like this quote.  they seriously knock it out of the park with like all the dialogue.  and i'm sorry - but if you're not watching this show you need to stop talking to me until you do.

4// a while back tiff tweeted about how people don't recognize that ear buds in the ear is that international sign for "don't fucking talk to me."  i can't remember if this is verbatim or not but it was the general idea of her tweet.  and her tweet was CORRECT.  but i just don't understand people.  do not make me pause my music.  do not make me look at you.  do not insist on talking as loud as you possibly can in order for me to hear you over my music.  and not that i ever think it's ok but know that you're going to end up with a punctured ear drum to me cramming my pen in your ear if you interrupt me when i'm listening to the of monsters and men album.

5// the other day i panic-ordered on accident some peach tea from burger king and ZOMG it's the best thing i never intentionally set out to do.  i need a cup double the size above to appease my need for the peach tea.

LASTLY - let's get to the real important shit.  what i would back my azz up to with whit.

p.s. i don't care if you don't like chris brown.  i would have punched rihanna too.  THERE - i said it.

p.p.s.  i spell her name wrong every.damn.time which is also one of the reasons i want to punch her.

p.p.p.s.  shitler is out of town this weekend so PARTY BY MYSELF WITH NO PANTS.  i think you're not supposed to tell people when you're going to be home alone or something because you might get serial killed.  but i don't even care.  just don't serial kill me.  maybe just tweet/sext me at various points this weekend to verify i haven't been serial killed.

      

the most underwhelming thing you've ever experienced

      

monday the thirteenth

i'm going to break the weekend down for you.
are you pumped?

good.  you should be.

friday: 

7am-4pm work the regular day job.

4:15pm-10pm restaurant bullshit.

10:30pm - PASS OUT.

saturday:

9:15am-11am lunch with the shitler women.

11:15-12pm buy the un-fun stuff at target like deodorant.  which i suppose could be considered fun because then there's no BO and that's probably the funnest of all things.

12:15pm-2:30pm buy the fun stuff at a partylite party

3pm-11:30pm restaurant bullshit

midnight - PASS OUT.

sunday:

7am-10am clean the house.

10:30am-10:35am get a text from the restaurant manager that says "we need you to come in right now and not at 3:30pm like you were scheduled."

10:35am-10:37am weep.

11am - 10pm - RESTAURANT BULLSHIT.

10:30pm - SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS ERRRRRRRBODY.

11pm - PASS OUT

no but literally that was my weekend.  it couldn't have been more lame.

the only drinking i did was last night which was a school night so it probably wasn't my best choice.

somewhere in there i came home to shitler watching breaking bad and it involves me not really knowing anything about the show so i just ask him questions about it until he gets frustrated and then i give up and just crush the candy.  also on saturday night shitler decided to be super verbally abusive in his sleep.  like yelling at me if i coughed or god forbid if i rolled over he would snap at me to "knock it off."  so i ended up migrating to the couch where i watched bridesmaids and then got my mind blown because i'd never realized that don draper is the guy banging kristen wiig in the beginning of the movie.

also i was thinking about how friday the thirteenth is like totally spooky and everyone makes a giant deal out of it and my brain just doesn't compute why.  you would think monday the thirteenth would be way more awful considering it's monday.  so we should re-do things and try to make monday the thirteenth a thing.
unless of course you don't want to.

also here - i took a picture of a tree this weekend.

      

STAB PEOPLE WITH FORKS

i am in no mood for the day.  or the weekend.

i wish i had a bad mood-b-gone spray or something because this is just ridiculous.

i get to work seven out of seven days this week.  which is always wonderful.

but maybe i'm just overly emotional.  maybe i'm getting ready to paint the town red soon.  maybe the office is coming to an end and while i haven't been faithful in the last few years i can't help but weep over pam and jim in the last few episodes (particularly last night's) and also aaron rodgers was on last night.  maybe i took two dollars out of our wedding piggy bank this morning because i wanted an iced coffee.  maybe i'm just not in the mood for any of the things.  like in all the world.  but i'm going to reluctantly high five some things from this week.

1// this shouldn't get a high-five.  more like a kick to the sack.  because maybe i spent the last week pestering people on various social media outlets to rate our engagement story the best which i happen to think is just atrociously hilarious and terrible in the best possible way so that we could be in the top five finalists.  and then i spent an insane amount of time clearing the cookies on my browser and just rating my story the best.  and then i also resorted to one-ring rating all the rest of the stories.  like "oh the eiffel tower in the background?  lame.  one ring rating."  "jumbo-tron proposal?  more like jumbo-lame.  one-ring."  "i'm sorry but no to your engagement video and also the engagement video teaser.  ONE-RING."  but back to the sack-kicking.  because we totally didn't get in the top five.  are you even kidding?  makes me just want to go on a baby kicking rampage.  but i'll refrain.  but note that none of those stories are our story.  so i went ahead and just banned their pictures from my sight instead of punching babies.

2// get out of here DROID with your offers.  iPhone 4 life.  it's like they think they can lure me away.  joke's on them.  THEY CAN'T.

3// shitler says i have to stop spending money.  but when partylite has such lovely things that have such lovely smells i can't help it.  but i'll try.  that's about all i can promise.

4// baby b just partying it up in the dirt.  cracks me up.  fun fact: the other night when i was up at baby b's house to get my party lite (see numero 3) she decided to pull down her pants and take a shit on the living room floor.  i don't know what she was trying to say.  like she wanted me to just GTFO of her house?  that's what she thinks of partylite?  i don't know.  but i high-tailed it out of there.

5// that face.  like that face he gives that makes it look like he has the worst life ever in the history of all dog lives.  like i'm sorry murphy lee.  i'll stop giving you copious amounts of treats on the reg, throwing your disgusting ball covered in mud, and letting you swim all day.  you're right.  your life is terrible.  the buck stops here.

but anyway.  i'm sullen and downtrodden.

so i'm going to try and fix that with this for my ass:

it's not necessarily all that conduscive for backing up my ass but i know all the words (even the fast part) and that makes me feel really accomplished.

p.s. i need some cat LOLz today.  so get it together and send me lots of them.

      

cheers kids.

      

i love helene

this morning i received an email from a close, personal friend who revealed that she starts her morning off every day by typing in "gin" into her internet machine.  i'm assuming that she means that she reads whatever drivel i scrape together into a blog post and so i was flattered.  but then she was all "it's been the same since monday" which i basically interpreted to mean "get it the fuck together and post something."  

but i basically have nothing of substance.  

which i never do but today feels different.  

like i'm indifferent about this banana yogurt i'm eating.  do i hate it?  do i like it?  i don't know.  

i'm severely regretting how thankful i was last night when i remembered that i bought two bottles of wine.  because now i'm all "ugh you bought TWO bottles of wine."  i don't think i need to spell it out for you but I DRANK BOTH (with help).  pebbles is back (my engagement ring).  she's still sick but she got steam cleaned so at least there's that.  i got lost in the black hole of GIFs this morning.  but they were new york GIFS.  so totally acceptable.  also - don't tell shitler but i'm going to amazon to buy the DVDs of her show.

i love her.

fun story.  everyone here at work is super concerned with a bird that keeps shitting on all the cars.  like so much so that everyone makes a point to park in a certain area as to avoid the shitting bird.  but it just confuses me and also angers me because it's a bird.  and they shit.  it's what they do.  and you will never avoid all the bird shit in the world.  wherever you go there will be another bird with more shit and it will unload on your car.  so maybe these people need to come to terms with the bird shit like i have.  which i think came from the one time i got shit on by a bird during a soccer game.  like it was all in my hairs and i just had to accept it till the game was over.  kind of like immersion therapy.  maybe these people need bird shit immersion therapy.  speaking of poop.  have i ever told you kids how much shitler poops?  it's a lot.  and like i don't think it's normal.  as in sometimes he'll have to excavate his colon mid-meal.  it's concerning.  maybe he's allergic to gluten.  this morning at the gas station when i bought two gatorades, a vitamin water, a regular water, and two bananas there was an older woman that kept insisting on getting in this seventeen year old's ferrari.  lady - step away from the cradle.  this last weekend i almost choked an eight year old.  mainly because he was getting real nasty with his mom and kept insisting "NO MOM - that was my THIRD regatta."  how dare his whore mom lose count.  the owner of the company i work for told me i was practical.
he obviously knows nothing of my love for cat knick knacks and rhinos covered in string.  last night samm insisted that we needed to become internet/youtube famous.  i asked shitler what he thought of the idea and then he said that he was going to start his own youtube show to talk about how stupid our show was.  i'll be honest.  his mean streak - it turns me on.  does anyone else see blog posts or tweets and you just want to either comment with "this entire post was stupid.  just like you" or "shut up you're dumb."?  if you agree could you please do so with anything that i post/tweet.  i appreciate brutal honesty.  i should really buy my dmb tickets.  raise your hand if it exhausts you when people are just trying too damn hard.  it's just so, so obvious and it's borderline painful to observe.  i've side-eyed the pile of work on my desk like a thousand times and pictured myself just sweeping it all into the garbage.  but i'm not that badass.  i read brandi's book drinking and tweeting and i can't help but giggle every time i post a picture of a sunset.  like "muahahahaha brandi.  i know what you said but it's just so pretty and i'm just so drunk that i think this is a good idea."  

fun fact - i just googled the rules about referencing a book.  like i'm in school. and like anyone cares.
lastly - did you rate my story?  i swear to god if i find out you didn't i'll find you and throat punch you.

p.s.  i've decided that i don't like the banana yogurt.  but i'm going to hate-eat every last bite because i don't like being wasteful.

p.p.s. i'm sorry for this post.