because friday

sometimes a friday comes around and it's different than other fridays.
and it's because you don't have to work your second job and it's not because you have shitloads of crap to do that you have off from your second job but it's because you decided that you just wanted to be able to go out to dinner on a friday night with the rest of the world that doesn't have to work at a restaurant and you're going to enjoy the shit out of it.  and then, since you're lazy and you'll probably eat too much, you'll go straight home after said dinner and watch eight hours of sons of anarchy and rock back and forth while you weep because it's so emotionally overwhelming that your tiny woman brain can barely handle it.  and then you'll follow it up by watching the voice because then you can have a healthy weep session where you thank the lord there are truly talented people in the world (though you're still harboring a deep seated resentment that you received no such talent).  and this entire time you will be rocking really perfectly curled hair that almost never happens.  and then you'll also go to the gym friday, saturday, and sunday and you will realize that you've gone to the gym every single day for the last two weeks and you will be impressed with yourself.  but not so impressed that you throw yourself a damn party where only you're invited and you get too drunk because you have calories that you need to save to eat pizza on saturday night and carrot cake pancakes on sunday morning and then will have to packer fan indulge after that and then be so exhausted you'll nap from 3PM till when you have to wake up for work on monday morning.

and just so we're clear this entire post was me telling you what i'm going to be doing this weekend.

other things i did this week:
1.  bought a blanket scarf  because ashten.
2.  tried shakeology for the first time because of samantha (and no there's no post that i know of that's shakeology related but i just like her blog).  oh wait i just searched her blog and ya there's totally a post and here it is.  it's HERE.
3.  had some really in depth g.chat conversations with lindsay about food.  basically just food porn.
4.  had my life changed when samm told me that there are bravo emoticons. #twirl
5.  harrassed faith because she's been posting lasagna spaghetti squash pictures and has yet to fork over the recipe so that i can cram it down my gullet.

and also because a post is boring without a picture here's one from last tuesday that murders my uterus every time i look at it.

happy weekend'ing, you hoes!
what's on your docket?

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annual snooch check up

so adulthood.
adult womanhood to be exact.
it's a real thing.  
like a real thing that includes yearly snooch check ups and getting felt up by someone who is practically a stranger.

so naturally the time came and went for my annual snooch tune up and along with the duck-billed platypus instrument that gets crammed up there and the awkward small talk during there comes the inevitable talk about any concerns i may have had.  and so i mentioned to her that a few times during said menstruation cycles i will have "break through bleeding" (sidenote - i really enjoyed forcing shitler to listen to my snooch tales because he didn't care but it was like he couldn't not listen and be completely grossed out/uncomfortable and if you need a visual of how i tell shitler stories that he doesn't care about it would be this GIF and obviously he's the cat and i'm the sloth).

but i digress.  because my gyno was all "we can switch you to another pill" and i was all "no thanks because i swear the one i'm on now is the only one covered by my insurance and i'm too cheap to pay for it because that would cut into other various, useless shit i buy on a regular basis."  and she was like "oooook?  so you're ok with bleeding?"  and i was like "well i don't like love it but it's better than before when i would bleed out for like four weeks time."  and she was like "touche."  and then i was like "i just think my menstrual cycle is too powerful and it can't be tamed with traditional means that work on other female cycles."  and then she looked at me like i was nuts and then burst out laughing.  and then she was like "i've never heard it described like that before.  i'm using it from it now on.  it'll be a power surge."  and i was all "we're a good team."  and then i high-fived her and said "see ya next year."

p.s. this year i won the no finger in the butthole lottery at my gyno.  this is my second year dodging that terrible bullet.  and don't act like i'm nuts for having this happen.  because people have questioned this and it's totally thing.  i googled it.

please regale me with your gyno appointment stories.
i need to be entertained.

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a mishmash

i did something this morning.
something unheard of.

i dragged my unhappy ass to the gym at 5:15 in the AM.
and although it was pitch black dark outside and windy and cold and it felt weird to be there working out when really all i truly wanted to be was cocooned in my blanket fort spooning my dog i will fully admit that i kind of feel like i could almost take on the world right now.  but i could be confusing the take over the world feeling with ravenous all-consuming hunger but that's neither here nor there.  and this feeling of accomplishment that i'm currently feeling is only rivaled by the feeling of accomplishment i have after i take a shower.  so really it's the little things. or whatever.

also guys.
today marks six months of being married to shitler.
where's my medal?  because i damn sure deserve one when this beast is what you're married to.

but anyway.
really i just wanted to tell you that i can't believe i actually worked out at 5:15 this morning.  that's one for the record books, methinks.  people don't do gifts for this halfway, almost to a year of being married anniversary, do they?  i hope not.  if they do then my gift to shitler is me going to the gym this morning and also only being half way drunk when he gets home from bowling tonight. 


also can we talk about how six months ago we were frolicking on a beach and now it's november and politics is upon us and it's cold and i don't want to do anything at all except eat and hibernate?

p.s. this is a fun wedding photo that sometimes makes me want to "squeeeee!"

p.p.s. i wish i were better at blogging.
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adult things are weird

you know what's weird?
the general progression of life.  
stop me if you've heard this before but i can't be alone in thinking this.
like when did we all of the sudden become adults?  and start doing adult things, no less? 
like getting married, having a car payment, buying a house, having babies, etc. etc. etc.

i can't be the only one that logs onto facebook every now and again and is confused when they see a person they went to high school with and they've just popped out a child and then you're all "welp, there's another teen mom."  and then reality comes crashing down around you and you're like "wait.whoa.no.  she's not a teen, she's turning thirty this year."  and then you're all "WHERE DID MY LIFE GO?"  because i know that it's totally normal for people to be having babies and doing other adult things but apparently, for me, it's difficult for my brain to process.

but the point to this is is that it's halloween.
and halloween is the day that my best friend in the whole entire world was born.
and it's weird because it's the first time like ever in the history of all of our halloweens spent together that we will not be black out drunk together.  and it won't be for lack of trying (at least not on my part).  but she's doing the grown up thing where there's currently a womb creature wriggling around inside of her. 

the days of old were most excellent.  the days of party refs, dorothy, that red sox fan steve bartman, a devil in a blue dress, a construction worker, and a chicken are over.

but really this weekend is minneapolis time.
thank goodness gracious because that means nikki time and also matt's bar because jucy lucys and beer for me but just a jucy lucy for nikki.  and really all i want to do for halloween is lay on the couch in our sweatpants while we wait for the pumpkin seeds to bake and watch hocus pocus.  because an exact replica of sophomore year halloween in college when we weren't real adults would be my dream.  because now we're old and married (and only half of us is knocked up) and it's too much work to go to madison for halloween and avoid getting trampled and tear gassed like we did that one year.  instead we will just do things like nap, get married, and be pregnant (not me, her).

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make room for me on the bandwagon!

can we talk about the pedometer craze?
i never really understood it.  like cool.  it counts your steps.  HOW INTERESTING.

but then my friend had a brand new fitbit one straight out of the unopened box that she was selling for fifty doll hairs and i couldn't not get it from her.  and once i had it in my grubby paws it was like a revelation and i totally one hundred percent understood what the big fucking deal was.  it's impossible to not obsess over all the steps you're taking, all the flights of stairs you're going up, and whether or not you're having any active minutes.  and then you can challenge people and the competition aspect brings out the absolute worst cut throat attitude and you're constantly just making extra trips to do any and all of the most small and menial tasks just to get yourself more steps.  and then you get badges, which are meaningless really, but make you feel special.  like "YES the twenty-five flights of stairs in a day badge?!" go me!  so that's what my life has come down to.  constantly monitoring my activity during the day and then also studying my sleep habits.  and speaking of sleep study i'm going to get hammered drunk one of the nights this weekend and then review whether i'm restless or not during a passed out drunk stupor like i'm restless during my week night sober sleeps.

so if you want to be fitbit friends let's please be fitbit friends because then i can have one more person to obsessively try to out step every day.

and also i just went to the bathroom and giggled when i looked at my underwear.  
i forgot they had top hats on them.  cheers.

p.s. what kind of underwear are you wearing today?

p.p.s. this is quite possibly my favorite picture of all time.  you're welcome.

p.p.p.s.  i'm still going to do that smut link up.  i swear.  maybe you don't care. but i'm thinking november.  let's discuss more about it on monday.

p.p.p.p.s. i think i'm doing the multiple p.s. thing wrong but i don't feel like googling it.

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the bet

i don't know about anyone else but when people refer to "the most wonderful time of the year" i assume they're talking about football season.  and football season is just that much more wonderful if you're a packers fan (hash tag america's team and if you think it's any other team i will fight you) because hello aaron rodgers and slay matthews, and jordy, and randall and yes i like to refer to most all of the players by their first names because we're close like that (i wish AHEM slay and aaron).  and loving the packers and having cancelled cables means that oh-shucks-darn you have to watch the games at a bar that gives touchdown shots, prizes like free booze and bags sets, and also free drinking if you win the cheesehead hat.

but football season also means fantasy football.  and if we're being honest - i'm terrible at it.  like every season i have such high hopes for my team but i draft like shit and then none of my players ever live up to their potential.  and then i'm crushed because i get my ass kicked every week and never even make it to the playoffs.  and obviously this season wasn't supposed to be any different.  because the first few weeks tim tom brady decided to phone it in and i got my ass kicked from here to timbuktu.  but then in week three i was given a gift from the fantasy football gods when i played a team that had nearly every dominating player on a bye and i was all "i don't even care if this is a crap win because a win is a win and i will take it."  and then in week four i lost by a measly 3.53 points and i was like "at least it wasn't a blow out."  and then in week six i won.  again.  and by this point in time i was just generally confused as the feeling of winning was just so incredibly foreign.  which brings us to this last week; week seven: rivalry week.  which is basically couples week in the pool of tears (that's the delightful league name, FYI).  so naturally shitler taunted me and told me how i sucked balls and then asked if i was interested in a wager of sorts.  and i was down because what did i have to lose?  and the answer was not one red cent.  because existing at the bottom of the totem pole had its perks.  those being that there's really only one way to go.  and that's up.  shitler, on the other hand, had everything to lose.  sitting in first place and possibly losing to a wife that sucks donkey dick at fantasy football is certainly nothing anyone could brag about.

and so the negotiations began.

shitler: if you win you want butt stuff, don't you?
me: what?  no.  you wish, loser.
shitler: **weird creepy laugh**
me: if i win i get a kitten.
shitler: no.
me: oh so you're not confident in your first place team?
shitler: i can't risk it.  anything thing else?
me: the other band for my wedding ring then.
shitler: damn lady.
me: you can either agree to a free cat (with nominal vet bills) or the other band for my ring.
shitler: neither.
me: those are my two choices.  you decide.
shitler: ugh.  i hate you.

and then the most miraculous thing happened.  i won.

and then i was all david after dentist and "IS THIS REAL LIFE?"
so yes.  ladies (and no gentlemen, i'm sure) i totally won.  but the kicker is that shitler has refused both of my options for the conditions of the bet.  which leaves me with having won nothing.  which leads me to the point of this post.  which is your help.  your help in picking out what i shall now demand since shitler will not acquiesce with my demands of a kitten or my other wedding band.

what would you demand as spoils 
of the fantasy football rivalry week win?
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it's friday.
the packers laid out a straight beat down on the vikings last night.
life is good.

cheers hoes.

p.s. do yourself a damn favor and throw this bitchin' song on repeat.

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