cakes by shitler

you guys.
fun fact.  shitler likes to bake.  
and he gleefully told me (on friday when we were baking) that we should bake more together.  and i was like "um ok?"
and then he was like "we should always bring these to things.  like this is what we should be known for."  and i was like "we should we known for bringing tie-dye cakes that took us like five hours to make?"  and he was like "ya."  and i was all "fine.  i'll be the manager and i'll just oversee your labor."  and then we argued for twenty minutes about the profit margin and how we should split our business and nothing got solved because he refused to accept a 90/10 profit split (obviously me taking 90) and now we're fighting.  not really.  but i'll probably bring it up again at some point just to fight for fighting's sake because duh.

also.  i failed to take a picture of the inside of the cake because i fell asleep.
like a damn loser.

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what's the good word?  anything exciting?
just kidding.

i thought i would do a small check in.
not that you care (secretly maybe you do).
so basically life lately.

more fiber than usual.  so naturally i've been pooping more lately.

OMG this stupid, stupid (not really) series about this group that basically saves the world and also their smutty times and i've spent a third of my xmas gift card to amazon on it and i've literally read the whole series in like a week.
because i'm weak.  and a sucker.
my favorite one was "savage secrets" so naturally i made the picture of that one the biggest.

cristin harber is the author and you can check her out on amazon here.
the order goes as follows (in case you'd like to indulge):
winters heat, garrison's creed, westin's chase, savage secrets, and hart attack.

this man's level of hairiness.  he's been wearing a lot of headbands lately.  which kills me.
so if you'd like to send him some to review i will gladly make him do so.

any and all things seattle.  OBVIOUSLY.
the packers play the cheathawks on sunday and i'm so nervous i could die.

staring at.
this picture i took from xmas eve.  the kid.  the fake mustache.  it kills me dead.

so ya.  that's it.
exciting, right?  
absolutely not.  like not at all.  my life is boring.

see ya later bye.
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indoor polar whore-tex

you know how you know it's frigid in your house?

when you accidentally leave a bag of sliced green peppers in your purse over night and in the morning you crunch away on them as if they've lived in the fridge all night.

when shitler foregoes drinking a beer and asks you if you'll make him tea.

when you don't weep during parenthood because your tear ducts are probably frozen.

when cold air seeps into your house via the outlets in the newly constructed room because the hacks that did the job didn't caulk properly.

when you wear all your outside clothes indoors.  i.e. layers on layers on layers.  see also: scarf, hat, and mittens.

when your thermostat doesn't budge past fifty-five degrees and the weather person says that outside is negative ten but windchill makes it feel like negative twenty-six.  #wonderful

when your faucet struggles to produce water in liquid form and makes questionable noises.

when shitler doesn't sleep in the nude because it's that cold in the house (you would think all his fur would keep him toasty warm but alas it apparently does not).

p.s. someone come spoon me.  i'll pay you handsomely; in mac hugs and the beer that shitler isn't drinking.
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it's cold

i know that describing the current temperature as "negative bajillion" isn't the technical term but it's what it feels like outside.  and if "negative bajillion" isn't descriptive enough for you here's another way to contemplate the cold.  it's apparently too cold for mac to take the time to shit outside so naturally he just shits on the kitchen floor in the middle of the night.  in his defense - i wouldn't shit outside when it's "negative bajillion" either.

but that's neither here nor there.
it's been cold as balls here in wisconsin.
so cold that shitler ice fished from the house on sunday because it was frigid.
i know this because he and his boyfriends came clambering in and it interrupted the peace and quiet that was me watching season four of game thrones cocooned in my bed.

i managed to take three pictures that day.
they all crack me up.
one where shitler thinks he's a model.
the other where mac begs shitler to "never let go."
and the other where both dogs look remedial.

p.s. it's too cold to do anything.  like at all.

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because last minute crap is my jam

i bought shitler's xmas present yesterday.
i wasn't actually going to get him anything but then he called me at work (yesterday) and said he had just got done getting my xmas present and then i was under my breath muttery (i just made that word up and i really like it so i'm going to use it more frequently) with "son of a bitch" and he was like "what did you say?" and i was like "nothing.  i don't want to talk anymore.  bye."  and then i was like "damn, damn, damn what the shit am i going to get him?"  and there's pressure here people because shitler says i'm terrible at giving gifts (but the joke is on him because i'm just terrible at giving him gifts).  and since i didn't have a spare four hundred doll hairz laying around getting him a PS3 (or 4 because whatever i don't even know what the fuck is the most current gaming system) was out of the question.  so really and truly you would think i would learn from my mistakes about last minute xmas shopping because everything is picked over and there's basically nothing available (but obviously i never do).  so it was just a matter of making do with what was available.  and when i had collected the assortment of gifts in my cart i was fairly confident that all were excellent gifts.  but feedback is always nice so naturally i asked a nearby sixty year old man if he would enjoy all the items if he received them as a gift.  and he told me yes.  so if one were to follow logic - if shitler enjoys these gifts then he's basically a sixty year old man.

now be a good sixty year old man and drink that glass of straight jim beam.

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no shilter, 'mo problems: when it rains it pours

real quick.
shitler is still gone.  he comes back tomorrow.  THANK EVERYTHING IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.  
and not to go into much detail, because that's a post for another time, but i have lived in abject chaos for approximately eight-five percent of the time that shitler has been gone.

like really.
like this since monday.

if that is enough to cause you to get an aneurysm then WELCOME TO THE CLUB.
and then fast forward from monday to thursday morning (and i've kind of grown semi-accustomed to it - kind of) and it's 6.30 in the morning and i'm barely awake and stepping on stray building materials (like pieces of walls and also broken nails) as i make my through the gauntlet of sheets of drywall and tools and i curse (because that shit is hurtful to feet when stepped on) and then i look ahead and i curse even more.  because i saw this:

i'll give you some time to make an educated guess as to which asshole dog did it.  

you guessed mac, didn't you?
you don't get a prize because i'm broke but i'll give you a virtual high five.

i hope he enjoyed the old sour cream left in this container.
i assume he did because the container was so clean you would think i ran it through the dishwasher.

fun fact.
i made a box of salmon burgers last night.  i'd never had them before and they seemed questionable and i made all four that were in the box because i figured "hey, leftovers for lunch."  but it turned out that they were gross.  so i put them back in the box they came from and threw them in the trash.
apparently mac thought they were delicious.

delicious salmon burgers with a cardboard bun is what mac apparently enjoyed as a midnight snack.
so i cleaned it up and then made him pose by his late night dinner buffet.

when shitler gets back i'm refusing to do anything for two weeks.

p.s. i have never met a dog that looks so cute while being so naughty.  it vexes me.
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a post where mainly i whine (sorry)

i came here today and just stared at the cursor till my eyeballs hurt.
because there are totally things i want to write about but the effort to do so seems impossibly unattainable.  and really i'm just tired.  like there's a thousand things going on and really i no longer have the patience to do any of them and then it's like all hell breaks loose.

does everyone's life look something like this:
xmas shopping?  not done.
xmas presents i did buy?  not all wrapped.
shark week?  happening right now (ladies know what i'm talking about).
the house?  construction zone.
the yard?  a mud pit.
current status?  single dog mom.
bank account?  so pathetically sad.

and okay maybe it doesn't look exactly like that but perhaps some of your life is like some of the above?  OR maybe just lie to me because misery loves company.

but really it's kind of crazy how you become so used to being part of a team.
and then your fellow teammate bails on you (not really because yes it's for work) and leaves you in the dust (literal dust) and what you thought was going to be two blissful weeks of watching crap television turns out to be the exact opposite.  and really this entire post is becoming one giant whine-fest.  sorry.

maybe send me cat pictures.
those always make me feel like a million bucks.

also this is my whole life.

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