Friday, March 29

high five 4 friday

oh hey.
how are you?
good?  your march madness bracket is busted?
mine is like half busted.
AND even worse - my original bracket had marquette winning the whole thing.
until shitler came home and made fun of me and told me that was stupid.
so i second guessed myself and switched it up.
and now marquette is in the final four.  which is pretty damn close to the finals.
and i swear to god if they win i'm going to do unspeakable things to shitler's private parts.
and not unspeakable in a sexual, good feeling way.  like in the opposite of that way.

but anyway - let's get to the high-fiving of friday with lauren.

1// can we all talk about girls and how amazing it was?  and yes i'm behind and just watched the finale last night.  lay off me.  but i'm going to go ahead and let you all know that i loved adam from the beginning.  when all you doubtful-desirees thought he was weird and maybe a lunatic i was there defending him and loving him.  so suck it.

2// baby b in pre-meltdown mode.  all because she wanted to put her shoes on.  and her shoes wouldn't fit over her footie pajamas and her mama said it was time for bed and no she couldn't take off her pajamas.  hence the meltdown. #firstworldtwoyearoldproblems

3// a gun ice cube.  self-explanatory.

4// i drooled all over my desk yesterday when i saw how sweet eat's buffalo oven fries.  not even kidding.  all day.  that's all i thought about.  so naturally i picked up the ingredients on my way home and then gorged myself on them until i slipped peacefully in a food coma.

5// RUMCHATA CAT!!!!!!!!!!!  please say that in the "let's get ready to rummmmmmmmmble" voice.  i think it makes more sense that way.  but i digress.  i'm not sure if you knew or if you remember but charlie the rumchata cat lived with us for like nine months until shitler made me give it back.  now he lives in a swank condo down in milwaukee.  and he and i will be reunited this weekend.  it's going to be magical.

and lastly we need to back up dat azz with whitney.
let's go way back to my college days.
when everyone was just straight chilling at the holidae innnnnnnnnnnnn.

stop, drop, KABOOM.
am i right?

Gin and Bare It

Wednesday, March 27

almost like brandi glanville's new vagina except eddie didn't pay for this

i want to start with the above picture.

and be all - #newbeginnings #footprints
inspirational shit.  you get it.  because we're turning over #newleaves or whatever.
new blog look.  do you like?  i hope so.
because my lady-friend sarah of the HI-larious venus trapped in mars
i mean - the glitter and the loveliness?  i just can't get enough.

so you can tell me how much you love it (and sarah too).
because now there's a disclaimer.  and and a new about me.
and also a section where you can read all my shit posts (which i haven't categorized yet so relax).

but in the event you hate everything about it you can yell at my vagina.  
it's ok - i give you permission.  shitler does it all the time.

Gin and Bare It

Monday, March 25

whip it real good.

i feel like i've been sick for an eternity.
or for like all of 2013 so far.  and it's terrible.
but it didn't stop me from having a weekend that was filled with being sick, working, battling a fever, a meeting, getting my vagina waxed, and then also hosting a party lite party.  oh, and i ate some chicken, bacon, and artichoke pizza and day drank for a bit.  i'm also in some haze where i'm not quite sure what's going on or what i'm doing.  i imagine this is what drinking sizzurp is like.  so here's some pictures.  and some of them involve dogs wearing shirts and also shitler instructing people how to do whippits.  i think.

it's not much.
but it's all i have.

 please regale me with tales of your
weekend and how much better it was than mine.

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Friday, March 22

high five 4 friday

with all due respect i'm not that excited about the fact that it's friday.
because i have to work.  all day.  and then also tonight.
and then there's a work meeting tomorrow.  and then i want to get my vagina waxed.
and then i have to go back to work at night.  so it's not really much of a weekend.
unless you count blackout sunday (as whitney calls it) as the one day of the weekend where i will perhaps get beat up drunk and then be a piece of shit hangover mess on monday.  but only time will tell.

but onto high-fiving and backing up asses.

1. why do i continually convince myself that piercing things on my body is fun?  like ok ear cartilage that hurts.
but i do it anyway.  the last time i pierced my ear cartilage like eight years ago in college i might have either been hungover and/or still drunk because i ended up almost bleeding out all over my white sweatshirt.  and it hurt.  fast forward to three years later when i decided to get my nose pierced and that hurt like a bitch too.  then fast forward one more year when i woke up hungover and itching to get my nipple pierced and just up and did it and it ended barely hurting at all.  but then last night my friend was all "wanna go get poked with me?" and i was like "sure, that sounds like a good time, let's do it."  but then there were like four young skanks in front of us getting ears and navels pierced and then some weirdo named chad who kept checking out the minors getting pierced right in front of their moms and me and the friend are like "this is weird and it's making us uncomfortable and we aren't even the parents but oh well.  CHAD - SIT DOWN."  so then i made the good choice to get my cartilage pierced again.
because apparently eight years and a lot of booze makes you forget that it did hurt the last time.  but i strapped in anyway and sure enough it hurt again.  and then they were all like "you're white as a ghost and your lips are turning blue.  lay down and drink this soda."  and then the snarky tattoo guy is all "there's always one."  and in my head i want to scream "I SWEAR I'M NOT A PUSSY."

i wish this picture more accurately captured the dried blood.

2.  i'm going to go ahead and channel last weekend when we attended a birthday party for our neighbor's daughter who is both adorable and a riot.  she was affirmative in her NOT wanting to try on any of the clothes she got (who could blame her?  that shit is not fun.) and after shitler put together her giant car thing she gave him a modicum of credit when she declared that he "helped a little."

3.  after continually seeing blog after blog after blog that contains husband worship i thought that i would give a shout-out to those of us ladies that are on that certain level that makes us more aware that the sun doesn't, in fact, shine out of the asses of the men in our lives.  here's a sample of the communication between me and shitler.

4.  i'm going to backtrack again to last friday for a hot minute.  because i literally worked from 7am to midnight and then came home and decided the most appropriate thing to do was take shots of vodka by myself because i wanted a buzz and i didn't have the patience to wait for the effects that a drink would have. and then i decided that taking photos with my dog and then frantically cleaning the kitchen would also make sense.

5. lastly - this made me lol.  hard.

one more thing.
it's #backthatazzupFriday with whitney.
so let's do it.  pour some of your sizzurp out for that guy from D12 that died.

p.s. it's the clean version.  where it talks about hills and not pills.  
i know - i'm not happy about it either.
but deal with it.

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Wednesday, March 20

candy crush is the new meth

i'm going to do a survey.
show of hands if you've heard of the game candy crush?
ok, now raise your hand if you've played it before?
allllllright.  now assume the heads up-seven-up position and put your hand up if it's taken over your life.

that's what i thought.  it's ok fellow addicts.  we're all in this together.
i've honestly never felt more used and pathetic after a round of candy crush.
i become obsessed, angry, and withdrawn from reality when i'm balls deal in the game.
for your reference i'm going to run you through my typical thought process as i play candy crush.

first i'm pysched.  i've got a full set of lives and the world at my finger tips.

then i'm given my task.  clear all the jelly.
and in my mind i'm that fucking jelly's worst nightmare.
like it doesn't even know what's coming and i'm going to clear it so hard its children's children will feel it.
the jelly must die.

then i get the sweetest candy of all candies and i'm overly confident that i've basically got this level in the bag.
because watch out jelly but i'm going to pair that speckled candy with a striped candy and destroy you.

and when the ultimate pairing happens and candies start exploding and the game starts yelling things like "nice job" and "marvelous" and the jelly starts to really disappear and i start racking up major points i basically orgasm everywhere.

but then things take a turn for the worse and my cockiness becomes my undoing and i start losing focus on the more important candies i need to clear and before i know it the following happens.

when this happens i undoubtedly drop a few choice cuss words and overreact.
i deserved that win and i know it.
and then the next screen pops up asking me if i want to play again.
and of course i do.
but it also shows me other people with a higher score than i have.
and i start to question who those fucking skanks are.
and who they blew to get the extra lives?!

so i play again.  obviously.  the first time was rigged.
so i play again and again and again.
until this screen happens.

and it's at this point where i practically have a meltdown.
because i go searching for the version i can buy from the app store so that i can have unlimited plays.  
but it doesn't exist.  so we're back to square one and the waiting game.  
and then i consider the unthinkable.  i'll connect to facebook and bombard people with my need for extra lives and gifts and in my head i'll convince myself that it's not even the same thing as farmville and cafeville.  
this is different.
so i do it.
but then after i've asked no one is even giving me lives fast enough and i'm still subject to waiting for my next fix.
so my finger hovers over the button that is my last resort and what i consider in my head is the equivalent to hooking on the street for my next hit of meth.
i could buy more lives.  omgandit'sonly99cents.
i'll do it just this one time.  i won't tell shitler.  if he asks what the charge is on the itunes i can just tell him it was a song i bought.  he'll never know.  and i just need to beat level twenty-nine so it's not a big deal that i'll buy the lives.  
so i go to click.

but then i'm thankfully snapped out of my candy crush addicted haze by shitler yelling "OMG - are you playing that fucking game again?!"  and i realize that i've dodged a bullet.  that i almost embarked on that slippery slope where once i started buying one set of lives i would inevitably buy more lives and more lives and more lives.  and it's at this point where i need to take a shower because i feel dirty and used and really bad about myself.

because it's candy crush.
and i'm an adult.
and i should be doing adult things.  like drinking.  and eating chicken wings.

so friends - it is here that i reveal that
my name is shannon and i'm addicted to candy crush.

are you?

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Tuesday, March 19

hey winter - get bent.

if winter were a person i would murder it.  that's not even an exaggeration.
i would beat it into submission and then choke the last breath of it's remaining life right out of it.
for those of you not familiar with the winter months and all of its bullshit let me break it down for.

if you have dogs you will undoubtedly yell at them constantly to stop eating the snow.  whether it's because it's yellow or because it's laced with salt to get rid of the ice mounds that accumulate.

you will have to account for even more time in the mornings in order to get to work on time.  sometimes there's that unexpected blizzard that blazes up right as you're ready to leave for work and you have to go fifteen miles per hour in order to avoid being part of some horrific car accident.  OR a foot of snow has been dumped on your car over night and you have to trudge around your car and clean it off so that you can actually journey to your job.  AND then if the temperature is in the negatives and also there's like one hundred mile an hour winds your windshield will inevitably be frozen solid across and you will have to sit in your car shivering while it heats up enough to defrost your windshield.  and sometimes, if you're lucky like me, you'll have to scrap the ice off your windshield from the inside.

you will have to literally psych yourself up to leave the warmth of the bed cocoon you've been in all night in order to endure the cold that is the rest of your house and then eventually the sub-zero conditions outside.

if you live at the bottom of a hill (like yours truly) then each and every time you need to leave the house and return means you will risk life and limb to reach your destination due to the ice slick that materializes over night.

good luck even attempting to muster up the energy to go to the gym.  the winter months mean that i channel my inner bear and want to eat everything in a five mile radius and then hibernate till may.

if you're super lucky and you live in a rental house with basically an absentee landlord and a finicky furnace then that means that your furnace will shower you with air conditioning temperature winds in the dead of winter.  the furnace is especially lovely right after you've exited the shower and you're looking for a nice blast of cool air in the dead of winter at 6am.

the winter months are certainly not conducive to drunk walks home from the bar where you consider at multiple points during said walk home to just curl up on the side of the road and take a quick nap (due to the fact that you're mere minutes away from hypothermia).  and the morning after a raucous night of debauchery and basically repelling down the hill makes for a fun map where you trace your body and find the bruises you incurred the night before from the many tumbles you drunkenly took trying to make it down the hill to your house.

so basically each and every time i need to leave my house i want to cry.
except shitler did point out that the hill looks kind of like the agro crag from guts.
so i should perhaps just strap in and pretend i'm on the game to make things interesting.

i just need it to not be winter.
i just need semi-nice weather that will allow me to sit outside and get drunk without freezing my ass off.  i just need the lake to not be frozen anymore.  i just need it to be time to go boating.  i just need to not almost die every single time i need to leave the house.  i just need for things to not look brown and slush-filled and ice slicked.  i feel as though i ask for so little so this shouldn't be too much.
below is what i would like.

dear nice weather - please come back.

please tell me that those of you from 
these here cold parts feel the same way i do.

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Monday, March 18

i need to take a coma

127 hours is not only the name of a movie that i could not give less fucks about but also the amount of hours i want to sleep after this last weekend.  because i'm not sure how i managed to fit in working, partying at a toddler's birthday party, attempting to be appropriate in church for a baptism, and also celebrating st. patrick's day into only one weekend.  and without sounding like a total blog-douche and being all "is it friday yet hahahaha LOL rofl" or "monday came TOO fast" or "OMG i need a weekend to recover from my weekend" please know that i want to crawl into a dark cave with my couch and hibernate.

also - i keep getting distracted by the thought that there might be a head of lettuce in my car and i want to eat it.  
but that would involve moving and also enduring the fact that the sky is shitting (and by shitting i mean snowing).

i don't have anything else to really offer.  except that the pictures to follow will contain a baby so cute your uterus might explode, a picture that proves you're never too young to party for st. pattys, and also a picture of shitler eating his tie.


and seriously. 
this picture contains everything i need to say.

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Copyright © gin and bare it: March 2013