Thursday, June 26

it's smut and i'll read it if i want to

today i was going to do some sort of wedding related post but then i bailed on it because even i'm getting slightly sick of looking at my own wedding photos and i figured that if i'm sick of them you must be sick of it too.  but there are a few more that are absolutely hilarious and i promise are totally worth another post so like when you least expect it i'll shove it in your face.
but i do think that a post about smutty kindle porn is one hundred percent more interesting than anything wedding-related so if you're not my goodreads friend and you can't see the constant updates of terribly titled sexy-times books then i'm here to give you a quick run-down of books that i've ditched shitler for in the past week.  books that are both terrible and also titillating.

terrible books that i should have stopped reading but begrudgingly finished

ok cat - i'll call you that.  you look like a sexy high class lady that maybe needs to have her feathers ruffled a bit by a man not of her same social status.  oh but wait that's not the story line?  you mean the story line is actually about a girl whose parents were serial killed and in order for her to pay for her increasing college tuition has to take a job as a sex line phone operator and in between phone calls for her job and studying for school has to deal with the fact that the serial killer that murdered her parents is also obsessed with her?
and whoever decided that the majority of the sexy scenes should be phone sex scenes should maybe also reevaluate what they think is sexy.  because i happen to think that phone sex is way un-sexy.  like there's only so many adjectives i can come up with on the fly to try and help someone come to fruition.  and it seems awkward to try and cradle a small cell phone between your ear and your shoulder while attending to below the belt ministrations.

rating: 2 stars (because giving one star makes me feel like an asshole)

seven sons should probably be re-titled "terrible, cheap attempt at sons of anarchy fanfiction."
aside from the tired plot line of girl seeking revenge because the motorcycle club murdered her dad this book was filled with tons of sex scenes that i wish i could rid my brain of.  like way too mean scenes of the girl with the head of the motorcycle club that was responsible for the death of her father in slightly violent sexual relations.  combine that with the fact that the girl is apparently supposed to hate said head of the motor cycle club but is also coming to fruition in each and every encounter she has with him and it's just too much.  at least for this reader.  not to mention that i'm one reader that doesn't like to be hurried through a well written sex scene but in the case of this book i couldn't be happier that the author's style is more in "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" writing.  couple with the fact that there are apparently like six more books in this collection, all of which you have to pay for, it became something that i muscled through because i'm a glutton for punishment.

rating: 2 stars (because giving one star makes me feel like an asshole)

terrible books that i started reading but stopped because hello i have some standards

i will bitch slap any girl in the face if they try and tell you that they don't choose smutty books at least partially based on the prettiness of the cover.  and by prettiness i mean pretty abs and pretty face and mens pretty much wearing next to nothing.  but sometimes in choosing based on the prettiness of a cover you get yourself into a book that sort of shocks you to the point that you can't even finish it.
case in point: fantasy's bar & grill trilogy.
because upon looking at the cover and then seeing that it was about bars and grills (both of which i enjoy) i figured "ya ok this is going to be good."  until there was all of the sudden after hours sex parties and then journeying to an island where one of the girl's characters got a cramp from hiking and instead of maybe just putting an icy hot patch on that bitch it was decided that the best way to treat said cramp was with a four-male rub-down and then uttering the phrase "let us cover her in our pleasure."  and then i was like

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rating: i give this an "i don't have any words" rating and can't effectively rate because i couldn't even finish it.

naturally, since reading fifty shades of grey, i considered myself basically being an expert.  so when the description of this book touted itself as BDSM themed i figured it was nothing that i couldn't handle.  it started out tame enough with a recently divorced down and out woman taking a job as a hostess at a BDSM sex club.  don't worry - she didn't engage in any scenes or anything just helped our at the club because she apparently has standards or something.
UNTIL SHE WAS SOLD TO A SHEIKH.  and even that didn't shock me all that much (except who just goes around buying people) because said sheikh was kind enough and told her she was lucky that she didn't live in his home country because then he could just buy her out-right for the rest of her days rather than just rent her out for the weekend as was his intention so DON'T BE SO UNGRATEFUL LADY.  upon her agreement they take begin by taking things slow.  and in case you're wondering what the author's definition of slow is - it's fisting.  FISTING.  and then i was all "i can't even" because what the actual shit and if out of the gate there's fisting what does that mean for how the rest of the book escalates?  so i stopped.  but really this was me for like the next week:

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rating: i give this an "i don't have any words" rating and can't effectively rate because i couldn't even finish it.

smutty books that made me fist pump

ok so this book might seem contradictory to my less than thrilled review of the fantasty bar & grill whatever but this book was so utterly ridiculous it was borderline endearing.  also it was totally worth reading so that i could excitedly explain the plot line to shiter when he tried to tell me that none of these books really even had a plot and then i was all "OH YA - well planet mail is about a futuristic space mail delivery woman who crashes on a foreign planet that has a dangerously low female population and upon her arrival she is spirited away by the king of the planet and given her own male harem that will engage in smutty times whenever she feels like but the king is the only one that can knock her up but then naturally she makes the mistake of falling in love with the king, and then that's where things get real juicy."  and then it's at that point in our conversations that i'm sure shitler wishes he had never asked me about smut plot lines.

rating: 4 stars (because inter-plantetary sexy times is hilariously entertaining)

embarrassing confession time.  itotallyreadtwilightfanfiction.
whew.  now that that's out there i can let you know that i read fifty shades of grey online when it was one hundred percent still using twilight characters.  if you need me to break down the characters for you i can but please email me privately because this is already kind of horrible to admit.  with that being said - wallbanger also started out as a twilight fanfiction story with characters simon and caroline really being edward and bella and also to quote from the mindy project yes i'm "teen plus" but not at all proud of it since i'll be turning thirty sometime soon.  but all fanfiction related confessions aside these two books are incredible.  like the perfect balance between delicious smut and hilarity and also a cat named "clive."  i feel like i don't want to give you too much insight into the book because i want you to experience it fully all on your own but if i had to recommend you read anything in the year 2K14 it would be wallbanger and its sequel rusty nailed.  and if the titles alone didn't sell you on needing to immediately purchase both then know that that her next two books (both of which i have on pre-order) are entitled screwdrivered and mai tai'd up and i literally can't even with the titles.

rating: 5 stars because duh

p.s. the other day i mentioned a smutty book club but then thought that instead of a smutty book club maybe we should just do a smutty link-up and then we can all post what terrible schmexy things we're all reading and then i can hoard more kindle porn and have shitler judge me even more than he already does.  so let me know if you're interested.  i don't know how to do link-ups but like maybe i could learn.

p.p.s. if you have a kindle and you want to like loan smut back and forth - get at me.

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Monday, June 23

sometimes weekends are mean

oh hai.
we meet again.  and on a monday.  a monday that involved me waking up late (as per usual), not showering (also typical), and kind of wandering around the house like a zombie trying to get my shit together so i could get to work on time.

the weekend was total shit.  because it's weekends where you have to cram two restaurant shifts, running, a birthday party, frantically finishing orange is the new black, and also trying to get your lazy on that make you hate everything because really all you wanted to do was hang out in a dark place with your kindle smut (i realize that i might be the only person out there that considers being by myself in the dark with porn-y type books to be normal and also preferred but that's fine and i'll own it).

on weekends that i work shitler just sits at home on his ass watching netflix and binge eating ice cream treats and it fills me with so much rage that i consider punching restaurant patrons in the face.  and naturally - friday was no different.  and it's even worse when he posts lame facebook status updates because i consider it to be a personal affront. 

and when i arrived home at 12:15AM after a brutal sixteen hour work day shitler was still watching friday night lights.  and i think it's fair to say that i'm not sure which one of us drools over that tim riggins character more.  but that's neither here nor there.  because i called it a night so i could get up early-ish and get some mile-running in.  and after 7.5 miles completed i just couldn't even wrap my brain around marathon runners and also people that enjoy it because i prayed for death every step of the way.  and then after i ran we decided that we should return things from our wedding party and also find shitler a new wedding band since the noob that initially ring sized him didn't know what the acutal shit he was doing and shitler's ring would just like fall the fuck off.  so after running 7.5 miles i got to do more walking around and then i had the pleasure of working a restaurant shift where it felt like my legs were actually going to fall off and everyone tipped like shit so the night was a total bust.  but then we went to a birthday party and shitler selfied on my phone by spinning himself in a circle like eleven times and just snapping pictures the whole time.  and then someone was taking a picture of us shitler was clearly doing other things.  like taking more selfies.

and then i got drunk.  like real drunk.
like decided it was appropriate to try and find my brother a girlfriend by asking girls at the bar if they had boyfriends and/or husbands and shitler was like "you can't just ask people that" and i was like "why not?  i'm just cutting right to the chase."  and i think he maybe thought i was going to get my ass kicked but whatever.  and then we went home and i was the type of drunk that wakes up with their underwear on inside and drinks gallons of water in bed while eating toast with all the blinds drawn waching forgetting sarah marshall and loving the part when mila kunis yells "DRACULA MUSICAL" but like "shhhh mila don't yell 'dracula musical' so damn loud."

and that was it.  because the only productive thing that i did yesterday was move from my bed to my couch.  oh and i fixed my underwear and also put on a shirt.

and in other news i literally cannot stop losing my shit over this damn song.

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Friday, June 20

i'm an adult failure

"why do carbs have to be so heavenly and why does working out have to be a thing?"

in all honestly - the above two questions are things that i ask myself on a daily basis.  and no longer having to feel the pressure of not being chubby for wedding photos that i'll have to look at for forever and ever has instilled a bit of complacency in me.  like complacency to the tune of an eight pound weight gain.  which is depressing since i malnourished myself fair and square to be rid of those eight (and then some) pounds.  and the worst thing about the way my brain works is that it's so incredibly difficult for me to want to do anything without some sort of concrete end goal.  

examples include but aren't limited to:
"hey shannon maybe you should work out and eat to just feel good about yourself and be healthy."
nope, no thanks.  
"maybe you should keep the house semi-tidy just because you're some form of an adult."
nah, my clutter calms me.
"doing laundry on a regular basis would stress you out less."
i disagree.  nothing keeps you on your toes like semi-wet work clothes in the morning.

so the point is that i think i just need to set goals for myself on a smaller scale and perhaps that will trick my brain into being a more productive and mature adult (not likely, but let's give it a go).

with that being said - yesterday marked the beginning of my newly declared quest.  and that quest being i need to lose ten pounds in twenty-nine days and in those same twenty-nine days i'm also going to run one hundred miles.  woof.  but it's not that bad.  it averages out to about 3.5 miles per day.  i banged out four miles last night then planned on getting more miles in today but instead today is proving to be a semi-failure. knowing that i was working fourteen hours today meant that i needed to get up and go run at like 5AM but instead i snooze-buttoned it till 6.45AM, got up and curled my hair, and then discovered it was down pouring rain so all the hair curling was for naught and no running actually happened.  so now said running has to happen tonight.  after fourteen hours worth of work.  or else i'm going to be severely behind and i don't feel like trying to bang out ten miles worth of running in one day because a marthoner i am not.

here's some proof of the four miles from last night.  although i could have just snagged that photo from some obscure place on the internet but i didn't so you're just going to have to trust me.  and also FYI it was terrible.  ugh.

lastly we should all brainstorm on things that i should possibly reward myself with upon hopefully completing said goals?  what types of fancy shit should i demand from shitler?  halp me decide.  and also hold me when i want to cry because the running is attempting to beat me into a pile of goo that just wants to sit on the couch and eat chips all day long.
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Tuesday, June 17

compliments are for the birds

yesterday i was in the middle of reading a super smutty kindle porn book and the main chick in the book was reflecting on how mousy she thought she looked and then she remembered her grandma being all "you girls need to learn how to accept compliments" and then the mousy girl had an epiphany and checked herself out in the mirror and was all "you know what self - I DO LOOK GOOD."  

and then two things happened to me.

1// i very begrudgingly went back to the gym and was like slowly and awkwardly and sadly running on the treadmill and this boy (i say boy because i think he was like sixteen years old) kept turning around and looking at me.  and then he waved at me.  and then i did that thing where you turn around and look behind you because there's obviously for sure some super model looking girl behind you that he's waving at and not you.  but there was no one behind me and then when i looked back at him he like winked-ish at me (i think - or maybe he had something in his eye) and then i got even more confused and then i did the thing where you put your hand on your chest and you mouth "me?  seriously?"  and he nodded and then i almost fell off the treadmill because there was a whole helluva lot going on and i can barely run on the treadmill when my sole focus is just making sure one foot goes in front of the other much less being wholly confused at being hit on and i couldn't help but laugh because homeboy would sure be singing a different tune if he got a whiff of the feet-smelling shirt i was wearing.  but i politely waved back, mouthed "thanks," and then pointed to my wedding band.  and then almost fell off the treadmill again.  dude dodged a bullet.

2// i got home from the gym and grocery shopping and attempted to clean some things and then instead ended up laying on the couch eating jalapenos chips and watching old seasons of the real housewives of orange county (thank you hulu) in the same feet smelling shirt i had sported at the gym.  and then shitler came home and he made pork tenderloin for dinner (which is hilarious because we had just cooked seventy-five pounds of it last week so it just seemed super redundant) and then we watched orange is the new black and then my pony tail felt too tight so i took it out.  and then a few minutes later shitler looked at me and said "did you just do something to your hair?  it's really pretty right now."  and then i felt like i was back at the gym because i kind of wanted to mouth at him " who me?" and then look behind me to make sure he wasn't complimenting a different girl's hair but no he was totally talking to me and it was weird.  and then, since i was caught off guard, i answered his question with a question and was like "i took it down?"

so the moral of the story is that i'm super bad at taking any and all forms of compliments.
even from dudes like this.  or maybe especially from dudes like this.

p.s. the smutty kindle porn book was entitled "wallbanger."  that shit makes me laugh.  you can buy your own copy here and then read it and then we can totally talk about it.  we could form a smutty kindle porn book club and life would be grand.  minus the compliments.

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Friday, June 13

attention party people

if you're familiar with this blog then you probably know that in preparation for my wedding in may i promptly stopped drinking and eating for a majority of four months leading up to the wedding.  and then even when i was in mexico i worked out in the mornings before the actual day.  mostly because i didn't want to bloat to an unheard of level and not be able to fit into my dress and then look like semi-dolled up trash in my wedding pictures for all of eternity.  but then after the wedding i was like "fuck everything GIMME ALL THE CARBS" and i ditched the gym because whatever i have nothing to aspire to anymore (sucks to be you shitler).  so i went on a gym and healthy eating sabbatical for like a month and a half following the wedding and then yesterday morning, for some odd reason, got on the scale and then immediately packed my gym bag.  because, while it wasn't like a horrible number, it was definitely one that i didn't really ever want to see again.  so that's where i'm at.  back to attempting to eat and drink in a more respectable fashion.  except for last night.  because i totally went to the gym but then came home and ate some woven squares (basically budget triscuits), and then cheesecake at my grandparent's house, and then also some taco bell.  so out of the gate i majorly failed but it's like kind of ok because i did go to the gym.  but i also forgot that i ate some apple cinnamon panera muffin that might have actually come directly from heaven.  i can't be sure.

but anyway.  the point is that i'm going back to the gym tonight.  and hopefully tomorrow morning.  because we're having a celebration of sorts for all the party people that couldn't make it to mexico.  and between the black out punch i'm making for said party this weekend and also all the food i'm going to be eating i'm almost certain that things are going to get out of control.  like out of control scale wise.  so i should definitely at least try to go on a preemptive gym strike.

so also you guys are all invited. 
like if you want to book a quick ticket to wisconsin or like leave your job right now and start the road trip you would most certainly be welcome.  we can get some tents for you to sleep in.
there's also a couple of boats that you could probably pass out in.  and whoever dibs sleeping in bed with me first can totally do so but you have to big spoon me.  that's non-negotiable.

so if you like pulled pork sandwiches, black out punch, and live music then you should come to my party.  just RSVP first please.

also.  if i had to describe exactly how i'm feeling right now in one picture it would be this:

also, also i'm sorry this post was all over the place but i just wanted to say that i'm excited for this party but i'm not excited by the number i saw on the scale and as a result i'm certainly not excited for the gym time in my near future.

p.s. if you're coming to my party and was in the market to get me a gift i need you to get me darth vader cat. nothing would make me happier.  #MayTheFourthBeWithYou
p.p.s. i'll link up with whit because obviously.
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Wednesday, June 11

shit show weddings are the best weddings

this is something new for me.
this is a post that i wrote like not the same day that i published it.  which is weird.  and also makes me feel like i have my shit together.  which we all know is a goddamn lie.  but here we are.  and with another wedding post no less.  also - i've had like a half bottle of wine so if things get weirder than normal and also nonsensical then you'll know why.  also i'm attempting to do laundry.  so three cheers for being like slightly domestic.  CHEERS HOES.

ok so anyway.  if you're new here let me give you a recap.
my name is shannon.  i married shitler in may after being in an eternity relationship for like forever.  and by forever i mean thirteen or fourteen years.  sometimes i lose count and go like two years with telling people we've been together for twelve years so i'm not actually sure how long.  whatever.

i wrote a post about my mexican beach wedding and you can read about it here
i also posted some initial pictures.  like mainly of me walking down the aisle and also of the actual ceremony.  i even shared some anecdotes.  so i would start with that initial post and then maybe come back here for the continuation of that shit show.

firstly (which i didn't think was a word until i typed it and nothing correct me so go figure) i would like to give you a peek into how the wheels are turning in my brain when i see other wedding things and/or read other engagement and wedding stories.

you begged and whined when you didn't get a proposal that coincided with your weird timeline.
how embarrassing for you.

you spent an obscene amount of money on one day and more specifically on things like mason jars.
were you high?

you cried when things didn't go according to your perfect wedding plan.
you're pathetic.

my face in general when i think about "traditional" weddings.

but that's neither here nor there.  because today i'm going to show you some pictures of like right after the fifteen minute non-religious ceremony where our "minister" mentioned me still having a chance with a surgeon.  a surgeon that is surely not shitler.  obviously.

quick aside.  nothing makes for a better wedding story then being able to tell people that one of your bridesmaids got drunk (though she still denies it), put her dress on backwards (and it took shitler figuring it out to get it fixed), walked almost down the aisle with the tags still on her shoes, and for sure walked down the aisle with my bridal bouquet.  like the bouquet with my monogrammed initials on it and everything.
hashtag memories.

because back to the whole top portion of this post where all wedding-obsessed girls are all ZOMG perfect wedding everything because hello you basic boring bitch what is even the point?

i'm sorry.  things got off track.  you were probably drinking out of a paper straw.
welcome back, i hate you, paper straw drinkers.

but anyway wedding stuff.
brides and their perfect everything.  because i had none of that and it was wonderful.
because sometimes there are the girls that just want the absolute perfect picture ever.
and then sometimes when you're in mexico the federales happen to pass by and your drunk-ish bridesmaid that put her bridesmaid dress on backwards and walked your bridal bouquet down the aisle happens to scamper up to them and ask them to take a picture with you.  and they do.
and then when you show the pictures to other people, like the mexican sushi chef that works at the restaurant, and he politely tells you that there's a fifty percent chance they were part of a mexican drug cartel and that i could have been
kidnapped and then i laughed.  but he was serious.  and obviously i wasn't kidnapped.  so crisis averted.

but anyway - one of my favorite pictures ever below.

but honestly - who even wants the most perfect of everything when can just have the most ridiculous?  and then you can know that everything was so absolutely perfect in all its ridiculousness.  

because when you walk down the aisle to the best dave matthews band song in all the land to the very best person in the whole entire world for you surrounded by all the best people that made the huge and most appreciated effort to fly down and be a part of your day then you know that everything is as it should be.

quick recap:

walked down the aisle to: "i'll back you up" by dave matthews band
walked down the aisle after being declared mr. & mrs. to "the idea of you" by dave matthews band
there were no mason jars, paper straws, or expensive nonsense

i didn't wear shoes because fuck shoes
people were drunk

everything was exactly as it should have been.


Wedding Wednesday
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Monday, June 9

pork mutts

weekends are apparently for doing things and being busy and i hate it.
i think i'm hard-wired for laziness and couch laying and being left alone.  but i get the exact damn opposite of that every weekend.  because there is a restaurant to wait tables at, graduation parties to go to, dogs that require your attention, and a giant post-wedding party to prepare food for.  also people want to hang out with me and i don't get it because i'm lame and not interesting and sometimes i wish all the people would just leave me alone with the mindy project.  BUT NO.

but all things aside shitler and i bought seventy-five pounds of pork butt (ha) on sunday and now have to cook it throughout the week up until our shindig on saturday.  and i feel kind of like a terrible dog mom because i'm basically leaving both of the mutts at home with two crock pots full of slow-cooking pork and that has to be slightly tortuous for them.  but at least they got to do this yesterday:

i just realized that this entire post was mainly pictures of my dogs swimming and me talking about pork butt.
things are weird.  and also this post is nothing short of pointless.  

p.s. happy monday from mac.

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Wednesday, June 4

may the fourth be with you

so may was a weird month.
and by weird i mean things happened.
and by things happened i mean i got motherfucking married.
and i say it's weird because after being with shitler for almost fourteen years it's weird to not have a boyfriend anymore.  and it seemed like it was such a short time that i had a "fiance."
and having one of those was weird too.  and now i have a dude that i have to call "husband."
and it seems foreign and weird to say and it doesn't exactly roll off the tongue quite that nice.
because when you so constantly use the phrase "my boyfriend" for over a decade it's crazy abnormal to say "my husband" and for the most part since it's happened i'll start to say "my hus-err-umm, tom" and then people just assume i'm remedial.  which is fine.  so really for real i don't know how this goes.  i changed my last name on facebook.  and it literally only just affected things on facebook.  which is rude because i thought facebook controlled everything and that if i just made the change there at would extend to everything that needed to be changed.  like major credit cards, social security card, tax documents, etc. etc. etc.  and then last night when shitler asked if i had changed my name yet i just responded with "no.  it's a lot of work.  can you just do it for me?"  and then he agreed to.  but i actually don't know if it's possible for him to do it all for me and he was just saying that to placate me.  

so a wedding post is what you get today.
and whether you like it or not you're going to read this and look at the pictures and leave me comments telling me how adorable i am and ZOMG CONGRATULATIONS SHANNON.  you don't have to like it but you will do it.

p.s. this was a wedding on a budget.  so instead of shelling out thousands of dollars to have a photographer follow me around all day and take pictures of me looking like shit in the morning and getting my hair done for like an hour we opted to pay for the cheapest guy we could find.
which was $507 for one hour.  so while other girls have all kinds of shots of themselves in black and white looking pensive and reflective and semi-cry-facing i was drinking champagne, watching pitch perfect, and eating french fries while i got ready for my wedding.
thank god there's no pictures of that.

here's me and my dad.  his name is gary and he's kind of a hard-ass and i don't think there's one picture of him like full on smiling for the entire wedding.  but there is one of him semi-smirking so at least there's that.

two fun facts about me and my dad.  one time he wouldn't let me do something that a ten year old so desperately thought she needed to do and so i very haughtily called him a disciplinarian at the dinner table.  and i felt super smug about it because my parents were shocked that i knew that word and also used it correctly but then my dad was basically like "well if the shoe fits" and still wouldn't let me do whatever it was that i wanted to do.  second fun fact.  i read all the damn time as a kid and i think there's a strong possibility that my parents didn't exactly know how much i read and maybe how much i knew so when my dad didn't go to work one day and then looked a little worse for wear at the dinner table later on that night he casually mentioned to my mother about the whole "getting snipped takes a lot out of a guy."
and when my brothers were confused i very politely informed everyone that "DAD GOT A VASECTOMY."  and then my parents had a lot of explaining to do.  that's it for the fun facts.

cracks me up. 

i posted a while ago about how we had a friend marry us.  talk about the best kind of decision.
our guy got ordained online and insisted on buying and wearing a shirt that read "MINISTER."
and oftentimes while we were out he would refer to himself as the reverend. and i think his wife absolutely loved him being an online ordained minister more than he did but she constantly referred to herself as the "reverend's wife."  and it was mainly in the following way: "the reverend's wife would really like another captains and diet."

another fun fact.  shitler and i have dated for so long.  like high school long.  so there was a point that my dad wasn't a huge shitler fan.  and it for sure started in high school.  like what dad is going to be crazy about some sass-mouthed kid dating his only daughter?  but the running joke was always that my dad didn't like shitler but we moreso thought it was endearing than anything else.  but after a while, like years and years and years, we figured that shitler eventually grew on my dad.  like a fungus.  until one time about four or five years ago when my dad mentioned that he had just played a round of golf with a family friend who had a son that i grew up with.  my dad felt it necessary to mention that said son was a navy seal and also a surgeon and he could get me his number if i wanted.  and of course i really didn't have a response to that other than just be completely dumbfounded that my dad was trying to set up me up with other men when i was very clearly still with shitler.  like living with shitler and having dog children with shitler.  so naturally the running joke everywhere we go is that "there's always the surgeon" whenever shitler does something questionable and/or pisses me off.  and the point to that ramble is that our reverend friend totally mentioned the surgeon in the ceremony and i died laughing.  so did my bridesmaids.

that one right up there is my favorite one because it for sure looks like i'm bracing myself to get decked in the face.  and shitler looks like he's certainly up to the task after many years of putting up with my bullshit.

there's shitler just forcing that kiss on me.
good god man.  he pounced before i could even process anything and now the picture of our first kiss is just hilarious looking.

the lincolns.  in all their mother f'ing lincoln glory.

this was exhausting to write.
so FYI there will be other wedding posts and everyone will just need to deal with it.

also - totally not planned but it is wednesday so ZOMG WEDDING WEDNESDAY.
lame: party of one. 

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