Wednesday, June 4

may the fourth be with you

so may was a weird month.
and by weird i mean things happened.
and by things happened i mean i got motherfucking married.
and i say it's weird because after being with shitler for almost fourteen years it's weird to not have a boyfriend anymore.  and it seemed like it was such a short time that i had a "fiance."
and having one of those was weird too.  and now i have a dude that i have to call "husband."
and it seems foreign and weird to say and it doesn't exactly roll off the tongue quite that nice.
because when you so constantly use the phrase "my boyfriend" for over a decade it's crazy abnormal to say "my husband" and for the most part since it's happened i'll start to say "my hus-err-umm, tom" and then people just assume i'm remedial.  which is fine.  so really for real i don't know how this goes.  i changed my last name on facebook.  and it literally only just affected things on facebook.  which is rude because i thought facebook controlled everything and that if i just made the change there at would extend to everything that needed to be changed.  like major credit cards, social security card, tax documents, etc. etc. etc.  and then last night when shitler asked if i had changed my name yet i just responded with "no.  it's a lot of work.  can you just do it for me?"  and then he agreed to.  but i actually don't know if it's possible for him to do it all for me and he was just saying that to placate me.  

so a wedding post is what you get today.
and whether you like it or not you're going to read this and look at the pictures and leave me comments telling me how adorable i am and ZOMG CONGRATULATIONS SHANNON.  you don't have to like it but you will do it.

p.s. this was a wedding on a budget.  so instead of shelling out thousands of dollars to have a photographer follow me around all day and take pictures of me looking like shit in the morning and getting my hair done for like an hour we opted to pay for the cheapest guy we could find.
which was $507 for one hour.  so while other girls have all kinds of shots of themselves in black and white looking pensive and reflective and semi-cry-facing i was drinking champagne, watching pitch perfect, and eating french fries while i got ready for my wedding.
thank god there's no pictures of that.

here's me and my dad.  his name is gary and he's kind of a hard-ass and i don't think there's one picture of him like full on smiling for the entire wedding.  but there is one of him semi-smirking so at least there's that.

two fun facts about me and my dad.  one time he wouldn't let me do something that a ten year old so desperately thought she needed to do and so i very haughtily called him a disciplinarian at the dinner table.  and i felt super smug about it because my parents were shocked that i knew that word and also used it correctly but then my dad was basically like "well if the shoe fits" and still wouldn't let me do whatever it was that i wanted to do.  second fun fact.  i read all the damn time as a kid and i think there's a strong possibility that my parents didn't exactly know how much i read and maybe how much i knew so when my dad didn't go to work one day and then looked a little worse for wear at the dinner table later on that night he casually mentioned to my mother about the whole "getting snipped takes a lot out of a guy."
and when my brothers were confused i very politely informed everyone that "DAD GOT A VASECTOMY."  and then my parents had a lot of explaining to do.  that's it for the fun facts.

cracks me up. 

i posted a while ago about how we had a friend marry us.  talk about the best kind of decision.
our guy got ordained online and insisted on buying and wearing a shirt that read "MINISTER."
and oftentimes while we were out he would refer to himself as the reverend. and i think his wife absolutely loved him being an online ordained minister more than he did but she constantly referred to herself as the "reverend's wife."  and it was mainly in the following way: "the reverend's wife would really like another captains and diet."

another fun fact.  shitler and i have dated for so long.  like high school long.  so there was a point that my dad wasn't a huge shitler fan.  and it for sure started in high school.  like what dad is going to be crazy about some sass-mouthed kid dating his only daughter?  but the running joke was always that my dad didn't like shitler but we moreso thought it was endearing than anything else.  but after a while, like years and years and years, we figured that shitler eventually grew on my dad.  like a fungus.  until one time about four or five years ago when my dad mentioned that he had just played a round of golf with a family friend who had a son that i grew up with.  my dad felt it necessary to mention that said son was a navy seal and also a surgeon and he could get me his number if i wanted.  and of course i really didn't have a response to that other than just be completely dumbfounded that my dad was trying to set up me up with other men when i was very clearly still with shitler.  like living with shitler and having dog children with shitler.  so naturally the running joke everywhere we go is that "there's always the surgeon" whenever shitler does something questionable and/or pisses me off.  and the point to that ramble is that our reverend friend totally mentioned the surgeon in the ceremony and i died laughing.  so did my bridesmaids.

that one right up there is my favorite one because it for sure looks like i'm bracing myself to get decked in the face.  and shitler looks like he's certainly up to the task after many years of putting up with my bullshit.

there's shitler just forcing that kiss on me.
good god man.  he pounced before i could even process anything and now the picture of our first kiss is just hilarious looking.

the lincolns.  in all their mother f'ing lincoln glory.

this was exhausting to write.
so FYI there will be other wedding posts and everyone will just need to deal with it.

also - totally not planned but it is wednesday so ZOMG WEDDING WEDNESDAY.
lame: party of one. 

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  1. I can't even begin to tell you how much I love this. Every single part. But probably especially the parts about your dad's vasectomy and the surgeon. Oh but also your face and Shitler's mane. So like I said... every part. ZOMG YOU'RE ADORABLE. AND HOT.

  2. I love that you guys opted for the one hour photographer instead of the all day (and night) one. Seriously? Does anyone (besides a Kardashian) want to be stalked all day, caught in all of their ungroomed glory, and have to pay somewhere around $14,000.00 for the stalking services? And the 'beautiful' black&white photos of the bride getting ready? It's called Instagram, and they have filters for that shit. Congratulations, by the way :)

    1. omg you nailed it. the gram filters? i died.
      AND IT'S TRUE. mostly i'm just terribly offer to try and instruct on how to pose so i'm basically worthless.

  3. I looooove your dress!!! Looks like it was perfect to me! I love fun light weddings where people can laugh!!!!

  4. oh and can i have that surgeons number? ;)

  5. [insert congratulatory and mostly ego-boosting prose here]

  6. I have nothing to say... because I can't stop laughing. You guys should create your own show or something. Maybe give some pointers on what a REAL marriage looks like. One that is actually perfect?? Yah? No? Whatever.

  7. Dude, this was the BEST wedding recap I've ever seen. I love that you didn't just post shit but explained the stories. And serious, I bet this wedding was fuckign awesome. I would expect no less from you.

  8. True story, one of my friends got ordained online and he carries his certificate in his wallet and often brings it out in conversation over cocktails. I think he'd really get along with your friend. Also it's really weird that you're a married now. Because you're still a whore.

  9. My husband got ordained online so he can marry my brother in November and is referring to himself as Deacon Doyle, and I am referring to myself as the Deacon's Wife. I am getting a huge kick out of it.

    You looked great! Getting ready pics confuse me - I do not need a professional to take photos of me with dirty hair waiting to look clean. My friends can do that with their iPhones.

  10. I love the true you in the pictures. My dad's name is Gary too- fun fact.... he hated (HATED) every one of my boyfriends. No one was good enough for his only daughter. Must be the name. You looked beautiful. This is my kind of wedding.... CONGRATS AGAIN!!!

  11. I don't think I will ever get married again but if I do I always say I want a super fun beach wedding on a budget. This looks so perfect and like you guys:) You look so pretty by the way, love, love the dress. Congrats:)

  12. Congrats girl! You looked fantastic- loved your dress!! Though I think pictures of champagne, Pitch Perfect and fries would have been cool too.

  13. ZOMG SHANNON CONGRATS! But for real, I love your dress! & yes, love that you watched PP before your wedding :)

  14. I've been married for almost 8 months and I still haven't changed my last name out of pure laziness. I'm thinking it might be a nice (read: cheap) anniversary present for him. Also, no, he can't do it for you and it SUCKS. You have to first change your name with the Social Security Admin, then once you receive your new SS Card in the mail, you have 10 days to go change your license. So like hellooooo time taken off of work to go to these government buildings and also like $50 on a new license. Lame.

  15. Side note: your wedding looked crazy fun, and I love the pictures. Also we have a friend who goes by 'Reverend Dave' because he's ordained and he legit introduces himself to people with that name. So we should get them all together in a room and have an ordained dude party. P.S. You're like really pretty.

  16. What an amazing wedding!! You look gorgeous and it looks like you guys had a blast! Congratulations!!

  17. bring it on dude. for once i actually look forward to reading about a wedding CAUSE THIS IS WHAT THEYRE SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE. fuck, bitches be trippin

  18. oh yeah, you look gorgeous and all that bullshit

  19. I was wondering when you were going to get around to writing a wedding post! Congrats and you looked beautiful and all of that good stuff :-)

  20. your wedding pictures are gorgeous! also how the tits are you so tan?

  21. Haha there's no denying that your wedding perfectly reflected your personality! Love it and can't wait for more wedding posts :)

  22. So you agree? You think you are really pretty?
    But fo realz, gimme your tan and your hair and your BEACH and your minister. It's all perfection, really. Also, please give me at least a million more wedding posts because every single one has been amazing.

  23. All I have to say is that you are like SUPER SUPER TAN and if that's what happens when you get married in Mexico, sign me up!

  24. OMG you are hilarious. Thank you so much for this!

  25. Why were you so concerned about losing weight and then you just wear a toga smock

      you're so smart.


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