Tuesday, June 17

compliments are for the birds

yesterday i was in the middle of reading a super smutty kindle porn book and the main chick in the book was reflecting on how mousy she thought she looked and then she remembered her grandma being all "you girls need to learn how to accept compliments" and then the mousy girl had an epiphany and checked herself out in the mirror and was all "you know what self - I DO LOOK GOOD."  

and then two things happened to me.

1// i very begrudgingly went back to the gym and was like slowly and awkwardly and sadly running on the treadmill and this boy (i say boy because i think he was like sixteen years old) kept turning around and looking at me.  and then he waved at me.  and then i did that thing where you turn around and look behind you because there's obviously for sure some super model looking girl behind you that he's waving at and not you.  but there was no one behind me and then when i looked back at him he like winked-ish at me (i think - or maybe he had something in his eye) and then i got even more confused and then i did the thing where you put your hand on your chest and you mouth "me?  seriously?"  and he nodded and then i almost fell off the treadmill because there was a whole helluva lot going on and i can barely run on the treadmill when my sole focus is just making sure one foot goes in front of the other much less being wholly confused at being hit on and i couldn't help but laugh because homeboy would sure be singing a different tune if he got a whiff of the feet-smelling shirt i was wearing.  but i politely waved back, mouthed "thanks," and then pointed to my wedding band.  and then almost fell off the treadmill again.  dude dodged a bullet.

2// i got home from the gym and grocery shopping and attempted to clean some things and then instead ended up laying on the couch eating jalapenos chips and watching old seasons of the real housewives of orange county (thank you hulu) in the same feet smelling shirt i had sported at the gym.  and then shitler came home and he made pork tenderloin for dinner (which is hilarious because we had just cooked seventy-five pounds of it last week so it just seemed super redundant) and then we watched orange is the new black and then my pony tail felt too tight so i took it out.  and then a few minutes later shitler looked at me and said "did you just do something to your hair?  it's really pretty right now."  and then i felt like i was back at the gym because i kind of wanted to mouth at him " who me?" and then look behind me to make sure he wasn't complimenting a different girl's hair but no he was totally talking to me and it was weird.  and then, since i was caught off guard, i answered his question with a question and was like "i took it down?"

so the moral of the story is that i'm super bad at taking any and all forms of compliments.
even from dudes like this.  or maybe especially from dudes like this.

p.s. the smutty kindle porn book was entitled "wallbanger."  that shit makes me laugh.  you can buy your own copy here and then read it and then we can totally talk about it.  we could form a smutty kindle porn book club and life would be grand.  minus the compliments.

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  1. I thought that I was the only girl that read that damn book. (And not so secretly loved it). Gotta love some smutty girl porn.

    1. YES - what kinds of recommendations do you have for other smuttiness?

  2. YES! SMUTTY BOOK CLUB! I'm in! Also, you ARE pretty so accept that shit and deal with it.

  3. I so desperately want to be in your smutty book club! I've read a few myself and when I remember the names of them I'll let you know. Oh, one was called Rock Me. Totally stupid, but worth the read. Also, I'm just gonna assume, but your hair looks really pretty right now.

  4. I want to join the smutty book club but I never have time to read... can I still join?

    I suck at compliments. I am always like.... uh-ok, thanks?

  5. I'm not giving you any compliments. Ever. you're just a smug bitch. *Muah.*

  6. Or maybe you should just be sweaty and have dirty hair all the time? That seems like it would be easier.

  7. You know what I've been into for the past 2 weeks and it has totally taken over my life and I'm completely embarrassed about it? Sheldon and Penny smut. That shit is awesomely delicious and even though he's gay in real life I totally have a new crush and watch TBBT in a new light and may or may not be watching it now....

  8. Gym hair for the win!

    P.S. Wallbanger is a pretty damn funny/smutty book. You should try Neanderthall Seeks Human, the main chick is a bit different but I was seriously laughing during some parts. Though, sadly, there's not as much awesome smut action :(

  9. so glad you put the name of the book cause I was toally going to ask -- P.S. I already had it downloaded


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