Friday, August 31

High Five 4 Friday

you know it's going to be one of those days when you get to work and some jack wagon uses the word "neophyte" and it stirs in you something so violent that you have to quietly count to ten and excuse yourself.  but then you realize it's friday and you can discreetly back away from the edge that was sure to be some extraordinary (but well-deserved) verbal lashing.

so in the spirit of all things friday - here's my link up with lauren at from my grey desk.

1.  i'm sure you're sick to death of pictures of my dog; because trust me - i'm sick of my dog and i have to live with him.  but he has to be as close to me as physically possible.  and sometimes he falls asleep sitting up.  
like this.

2. it's been awhile since i bragged about the lake.

3. i forgot about how much i loved sushi until i crammed it in my face this past week.

4. this dog.  and how he lays.  it kills me.

5. it's the most wonderful time of the year.  fantasy. football.  
praise be.  

i've got one draft under my belt and the second coming up this weekend.  i've never been happier.
and yes.  my team names are menace 2 sobriety and dead sea sproles.

don't judge me.

Wednesday, August 29

All My Friends Are Getting Married - I'm Just Getting Drunk. Well, At Least For The Next Two Years. In Which Case I'll Still Be Getting Drunk But I'll Be Married

i have some really, super important news that i would like to share with everyone.

i've recently entered into an arranged marriage.  

it won't happen for a couple of years because my betrothed is only 16 but i'm really happy about it.
oh, and when i do get around to planning the wedding - everyone will be invited.  like everyone who has ever even clicked on this blog.  because money isn't an issue and his parents are footing the bill (which is something i just decided).

here he is:


Tuesday, August 28

Pussy on The Menu

you know what i've never done?
gone to a restaurant and dined with some feral cats.
but shit happens.  and you end up cramming breakfast foods down your throat while various pussy stares and you and meows.
bitch - hand me that bacon.
you don't mind if i eat my own ass while you eat your eggs, do you?

and yes - they're named after game of thrones.
and don't those two on the left look like they'd bang each other?  and that they're brother and sister?  i thought so.

Monday, August 27

Friday, August 24

High Five 4 Friday

i would like to announce that it's fucking friday.
fucking finally.

let's link up with lauren at from my grey desk.

1. we've had new neighbors for awhile now.  and they're legit.  but i must be honest when i say that their daughter is the best part of this whole neighbor thing.

2.  yup. got my instagram pictures printed. well, some of them.  i think shitler would kill me if i got all 600+ printed.  let the framing begin.

3. i made some pillowcases. i might be the only one excited about that.

4. my friend pointed out that it looks like my dog is wearing eye liner.  now i can't stop staring at his eye liner.  like all the fucking time.

5. my friend gave me a book.  i love books.  i love books with love notes written in them more.

i don't have much else to say.  except it's one of those mornings where i started eating pasta salad at 8AM.

Thursday, August 23

So Maybe We Could Band Together To Fight Crime. And By Crime I Mean The Fat In My Ass

so remember that one time i worked out all the time?
or that other time where i ate super healthy?
OR that insane time that i stopped drinking?

oh, and remember when i put them all together and did that crazy thing where i tried to basically live a not-so-toxic life?

well i fell off the wagon.  because now my life revolves around stuff like this:


drippy, ecto cooloer looking motherfucker

so i should probably do something about it.
and i should probably stop polishing off jars of pickles in my friend's homes.
and maybe i should stop laying on the couch so much.
or eating 6 bomb pops in one sitting.
or thinking that i should use that terrible sugary lemonade from the local gas station as vodka mixer.
OR day-dreaming about carbs and starch all day.

i guess what i'm saying is that i need to stop being such a damn pile of garbage.

so here goes nothing.again.

PS. i thought this was funny.  but instead of water - maybe it's vodka (which is the very thing that isn't helping my fat ass).

Wednesday, August 22

The Cock Came To Party

regardless of how cliche it is to have a giant inflatable cock at a bachlorette party - you can't deny the joy it brings to everyone that encounters it.

go ahead - touch it.


parched cock.

and yes - the cock is an advocate of safe sex.
do you even know how many ladies he was with that night?

the cock makes everyone happy.

but unfortunately - the activities of the weekend will slowly begin to deflate any cock.

and i haven't told shitler yet - but i would really like to get one for the living room.
you know - for a conversation.

like a great coffee table book.
only better.

Friday, August 17

High Five 4 Friday

i'm running out of clever ways to say "oh hey, it's friday and it's time for that link up."

soooooo it's friday and it's time for that link up.

1. it's shark week.  which for me - means i can't wait for fucking shark week to be over so i don't have to hear people talk about it like they've always watched it when in reality we alllllll know you only started watching it after you saw step brothers.

2. i drank a bottle of champagne the other night.  this is the cap.

i don't follow.  how do they i'm going to enjoy it?  


like smash the bottle and try to drink straight from it - jagged edges and all?  or are they referring to drinking and driving?  because i don't do that.  i prefer drinking in the safety of my own home and not having to leave.  

champagne - you need to be more specific.

3.  at the risk of sounding like an obsessive freak i'm going to talk about invisible monsters again.  and it won't be the last time either.  but i finished it.  and i bawled like a fucking baby.  because it is, by far, one of the most incredible books i have ever read.

4. this picture is pretty self-explanatory.  because if it doesn't make your week you're probably a fucking terrorist.

5. it's this wise man's 5th birthday.  hats off to you murphy lee.  you're a gentleman and a scholar.

lastly, with the weekend upon us i've been thinking about the phrase "hot to trot."  i don't exactly know what it means but i assume that a lot of people will be drunkenly doing so this weekend.

so get out there with your hot to trot-ed-ness.

Thursday, August 16

These Aren't Even My Thoughts. But They're Hilarious.

so i spend an unnatural amount of time on thought catalog.

please enjoy with me.

exit interview questions.  specifically numbers 3, 4, 7, 15, 16, 18, 19, & 24

tips if the apocalypse is this year.  specifically numbers 2, 6, 8, 12 & 15

things we put in our mouthsall of them.  but number 3 especially because they give me stomach pains.  but i still eat them.  because i'm an asshole.

doing whatever the hell you wantthis entire thing.  because i'm laughing so uncontrollably i'm practically choking.

18 things.  specifically numbers 1, 3, 10, & 15.

inappropriate ways to end conversations. everything.

lessons before you settle down.  this whole fucking thing.

Wednesday, August 15

Cut the Shit, Amazon


but seriously, amazon.

a little specificity would be nice.  

holy shit amazon.
fucking finally.

I Wasn't Going to Do It. But Then I Ended Up Doing It. Begrudgingly, OfCourse.

i'd like a breakdown from shitler of the different ways my 3%'er status can go up.  like does it go up a half percent if i actually do a load of laundry when i say will?  or maybe a whole percent if stop saying that i'll clean my car like i've been saying for the last month?  because maybe i should actually get like a big bump in percentage for following through on major things.

so remember this?

well, i signed up for one.  and i ran almost every single day.  and then my gym closed for a week and i totally used that as an excuse to be an even lazier piece of shit than i normally am and didn't run the entire week leading up to the race and instead just ate everything i looked at and laid on the couch.

so then it was the night before the race and shitler was heading out of town and he wished me good luck and i gave him a look.  and it must be my typical "i'm pretty positive i'm not going to follow through on what i said i'm going to do" look.  
because i was almost positive i was going to bail on it. why?

i didn't feel ready.
i was convinced i was going to come in dead last.
i was beyond self-conscious.i had never done one before.
i didn't think i would make it through.
i hadn't run on anything besides a treadmill for the last eight weeks.i didn't want to run it with anyone knew i knew because i would rather fail miserably in front of strangers.

and shitler was not happy.
because i was really living up to my 3%'er status.

but i woke up the next morning.
and decided - fuck it.

so i ran it.

and i'll be honest.
the only enjoyment i took from this was when it was fucking over.

but i did it.
so i think i should get 2% for that.  because this was kind of major.

at least for me it was.

and just so we're clear - i feel like i got hit by a mack truck.  shin splints, back ache, sore feet.
but eating an entire pizza the day after certainly helped.
and i might consider doing another one if it means i get an entire pizza to myself afterwards.

Friday, August 10

High Five 4 Friday

so we've established that i make poor choices, correct?
like i was actually getting over a nasty stomach virus and instead of laying low and taking it easy on my stomach i ate nachos, tacos, and vodka last night.  and then some pizza for dessert.
for shame.
but it's friday - and if that doesn't cure what ails me then i don't know what will.
as always i'm linking up with lauren at from my grey desk.

1. b brought a cape back from the bar the other weekend.  so naturally shitler put it on.  now it's like he's a super hero.  barely.

2. some sick freak kept vandalizing my desk.  but the culprit came forward this week.  glory be!
also - it turns out i like the culprit.  so she's forgiven.

3. i spend a lot of time on twitter.  mainly lol'ing @OhMrWonka

4. we're back in business.  welcome home little boy booze!
yes, the name of our boat is little boy booze.  and yes, i'm aware that boats are supposed to be female.  and yes, i don't care.

5. and maybe you're a terrorist if you don't collectively "awwwww" with me over this.  
trixie bitch
i have this nagging feeling that there isn't enough coffee in the world to get me through today.
but we won't know until i try.and remember - the walrus sings at midnight.
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