The Cock Came To Party

regardless of how cliche it is to have a giant inflatable cock at a bachlorette party - you can't deny the joy it brings to everyone that encounters it.

go ahead - touch it.

 

parched cock.

and yes - the cock is an advocate of safe sex.
do you even know how many ladies he was with that night?

the cock makes everyone happy.

but unfortunately - the activities of the weekend will slowly begin to deflate any cock.

and i haven't told shitler yet - but i would really like to get one for the living room.
you know - for a conversation.

like a great coffee table book.
only better.

Textual Feeling: Heat Stroke

hello world.
i'd like to announce that i've decided to compulsively bake this weekend.  so that means no one better bother me.  
or i will fucking shank you with a whisk.  
a wire one.  
after i have severed some of the little whisky things so they're pointy and sharp.
and i'm going to listen to zeppelin and elp on a constant loop throughout this bake-off with myself and it's going to be tremendous.

and in all seriousness - i was going another direction with this post and then i had this conversation with b.  and it instantly became my favorite thing in the entire world.
b: you'd be amazed how quickly this heat takes effect on the testicles.
me:  i'll do you one better.  imagine a sweaty, smelly vagina after an hour of intense cardio and then getting into a sweltering hot car that has no air conditioning and driving home.
b: your vagina doesn't cling to your thigh and begin acting like a creepy wall crawler.
me: you don't know that.
b: that's true.  i'm just taking a shot in the dark.
me: thank you.  i appreciate you not making assumptions about my vagina.
b: come on, we all know it's smelly and warn out.  kind of like a drained, inflatable pool.
me: i will neither confirm nor deny.
now go forth and discuss the intense heat and the damage it causes to your genitals.

A Series In Poor Choices

i just wanted to lay in bed all day and watch bedknobs and broomsticks.  but no.  it's wednesday.  and i had to work.  while hungover.  severely.  

so severely that i ate my lunch before 9am.  so severely that i didn't even heat it up - just dunked a cold hamburger patty in lemon poppy seed dressing.  i'm a fucking wreck.

in my defense - it was shitler's last night of bowling and i can't tolerate being at that fucking place when i'm sober.  so i indulged.  and now i'm paying the price.  here's a few ridiculous fucking pictures from last night:

[caption id="attachment_1624" align="aligncenter" width="1024"] me. and the wheez.[/caption]



[caption id="attachment_1626" align="aligncenter" width="1024"] because normal pictures would be too easy.[/caption]

oh, good news.  shitler is the champion of his fantasy football league.  

also, he got a trophy.



what's that?  you don't care?  ya, me either.

but i do like trophies.

[caption id="attachment_1629" align="aligncenter" width="1024"] and shoving them up people's asses.[/caption]

and apparently shitler and i can take a decent photo together:



you'll have to excuse me.  i need more bayer advanced strength.  and another gallon of water.  if there were a contest for being the most dehydrated - i would win.

but today wasn't all bad.  i remembered that i did hit the eight ball in to win a game of pool last night.  i only won because b was my partner and he got every other ball in.   i'm not even joking.

and then my friend the super fox sent me the best text in the world.  seriously.  it was this and only this:

but now i'm concerned.  does jeff have cancer?  and why is his hair like that?

also - i would post a picture of the super fox and me but i don't have one.  and upon thinking about it - i don't know if i do want one.  because she's infinitely gorgeous and i am infinitely not.  

also - my hand smells.  that is all.

Things I'm Currently Fucking Obsessed With

i'm slightly obsessive.  usually for brief periods over nonsensical things.

please see below:

• anything and everything gillian flynn.  for reals.  sharp objects was amazing.  dark places is currently blowing my mind.  and her new one, gone girl, (coming out in june) i can only imagine will be incredible.  i mean seriously - how can you not love her style and content when she writes shit like this: "the baby scuttering around inside like it had dug tunnels."


• controlling the force in which i pee.  you know - forceful stream, not forceful stream (you all know exactly what i'm talking about).


• triscuits


• this incredible amount of eggs:
  


• that point when you know you've had enough coffee because you're thinking somewhat clearly but then you decide to push the envelope and have another and then feel like you could take over the fucking world.


• in regards to taking over the world - PINKY AND THE BRAIN. 


• this chicken wing and also the inquisitive look on shitler's face:

[caption id="attachment_1407" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="shitler: "soon chicken wing, soon i will crap you out.""][/caption]

• this video.  and this band.  they're incredible.  it makes me want to get a band of merry folk together and stomp our feet.  sidenote - do you think headband girl and lead singer are banging each other?  please watch for the stolen glances between the two.  oh, and i also want lead singer's jacket.
  


• THE HUNGER GAMES AT MIDNIGHT.

please stay tuned for the tale of my st. patrick's day adventure.  

and by adventure i mean shit show.

the night shitler tried to cripple me

there is never a dull moment whenever shitler is around.  drunk or sober or asleep.
the 3rd of march was his 28th birthday.
here is a photo prior to our departure from the bar:

here is a list of shit he muttered/slash thought i cared to hear:

• alabaster gray
• springtime fluff
• wintertime cherishness
• remember your graduation tassel?  i feel like the end of a tassel.  i feel so fluffy.
• can i bite your titsies?
• your tits are butt-tastic
• remember shel silverstein?
• it's like a superman gift box inside of a space shuttle.
• i want to go bed.  i don't like this anymore.
• fucking shel silverstein.
• i could randomly state crazy things that you could write?
• you're writing this too?  goddamnit.

then an hour after this - he flailed in his sleep and cracked me in the spine.
then shouted obscenities.
like i said - never a dull moment.

Tumor Muffin Cometh.

here i stand.  i can do no other.
martin luther said that.
but i'm not standing.  i'm sitting.
because i'm weak. 
this weekend was hard on my mind, body, and soul.
it began with this:

i got so excited when my entrée came that i immediately shoveled it into my mouth without taking a picture. 
i make no apologies.  that shrimp and crab cannelloni was orgasmic.
nothing got too out of hand, thank god, which is surprising considered i packed in 5 drinks and 3 shots.

i'm currently in a food and alcohol comatose state.
monday i resume my diet and i could not be more excited for that.
in the meantime i've managed to pack in the following:

it looks like i'm obsessed with breakfast foods.
but in reality - i'm just obsessed with all food.
like this:

or inappropriate things like these:

b and i are working on murdering this:

well, with that, i must bid thee farewell.
i have a lot of drinking and bad decisions to fit into a single afternoon.
wish me luck.

Game Changer? Vibrator Necklace.

i went to one of those filthy sex toy parties this afternoon.
it felt like i'd finally come home.  finally made that trip to the holy land.
nothing like a table full of vibrators and lube to really brighten someone's day.
i tried to be nice and ask lincoln if he wanted me to get him anything.  so i sent him this picture of some options:

that's fine.  that's just the last time i'll offer to ever get him anything.

i got some tingly balm for your lips and nipples:

and this.  my new necklace:

and in the spirit of all things phallic shaped - i'm going to go eat another brat.

I'm In the Mood to Eat My Feelings

and i'd start with some peeps.  i don't even fucking like peeps.  but they're here at work and i would destroy them with my jaw bone and molars. 
or incisors.
or canines.
or whatever a cool word for teeth other than teeth is.

don't get me wrong.  this diet has worked. 
i got on the scale this morning and fist pumped.  because i've officially lost 27.2 pounds.
so one would think that seeing results - and good ones at that - would curb my need to stuff my face with anything that comes across its path.  but apparently not.
and eating my feelings doesn't mean i'm sad.  in fact, i'm in a great mood.  i'm in a jubilant mood where happiness abounds and i want to eat massive amounts of cheese and cake balls. 
or perhaps just a cheese ball.  which would be awesome.
i'm not going to do any of that though.  if i ate something i shouldn't - it would create a dangerous slippery slope and i would somehow gain 27.2 pounds back in a single sitting. 
i know it's not possible, but somehow, with my luck - it would happen.

Four Goddamn Hours Later

i embarked on a sewing machine project this afternoon.  it took me four hours.  and this is all i have to show for it:



[polldaddy poll=5791177]

it would be great if you voted.  that way i know the temperature of the crowd and i can go in that creative direction for my next projects.

This Has Next to Nothing to Do With the Holidays.

ahhh the holidays.  a few thoughts come to mind: stressed, drunk, broke, exhausted, etc.

like most people, Lincoln and i have to cram 37 x-mas' into two days. 

it's always a treat. 

here's some photos that capture my xmas eve:

[caption id="attachment_719" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="phase 1 of the destruction of my kitchen is complete."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_720" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="motherfucking mini cheesecakes"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_721" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="packaging my delicious treats."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_722" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="mah balls."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_726" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="color shot of mah balls."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_727" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="suspicious dog."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_728" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="slightly more normal dog."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_740" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="i got you some pussy for xmas."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_746" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="these are my brother's grades. i find one class to be the oddest."][/caption]

 also, i took a shit this morning.

it's an xmas miracle.

Sobriety Sucks - But At Least it's Made Me Slightly More Productive

i love vodka.  i love the bar.  i love drinking. 

so anyone that truly knows me, knows i'm usually full of shit when i say i'm going to stop drinking.

but back in October, i decided that i wanted to stop being so fucking chubby.  so i went on a diet.  which meant i had to give up my dearest friend, vodka.  most doubted me.  and with good reason.  i'm not very good at following through with things i say i'm going to do.  but  i must say, fuck you very much, for those that didn't believe i could do it (Lincoln) because it's now been thirty-two days on this motherfucking diet with zero alcohol.

don't get me wrong - it's been fucking miserable.  aside from waking up and not feeling like a piece of shit, the only other plus has been that i've actually dropped weight.

so, although many of you could care less, i am presenting the last thirty-two days in the form of pictures and words. 

enjoy or destroy.

first and foremost.  i've read an assload of books in the last month.

• The Help


• The Kite Runner


• Orange is the New Black


• The Hunger Games trilogy (for the love of all that's holy - READ THESE)

become more obsessed with all things related to cooking and baking and blogging.

• made Mexican Manicotti


• perfected my meatloaf


• made cake balls, cookies, mini cheesecakes, truffles, and peppermint bark


• loved up on many of my favorite blogs like this one, this one, and this one.

discovered many things about the pussy residing in our house.

[caption id="attachment_518" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="relax PETA. he's being supervised when he plays in the plastic bag."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_519" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="he LOVES Nati Light."][/caption]

learned that Lincoln loves his new shotgun more than me (i'm not even kidding.  the night he got it he suggested i sleep on the couch).

[caption id="attachment_522" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="i named her Eleanor."][/caption]

found that i truly enjoy encouraging/peer pressuring others to binge drink.

[caption id="attachment_525" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="firm grip there Lincoln."][/caption]

crafted x-mas presents.  i would post pictures but i will refrain (even though they turned out awesome).  i don't want to assume that people even read this blog, but with my luck the people getting said gifts will see them here and everything will be ruined.

watched Foy learn how to eat a crab leg.

[caption id="attachment_526" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="not the proper form, but i'll accept it."][/caption]

learned that Murphy Lee is a HUGE Rush fan.  and that Lincoln hates clothing for dogs.  but i don't think band tees should count.

[caption id="attachment_527" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Exit the warrior, today's Tom Sawyer"][/caption]

 this is unrelated.  but G bought me this hat.  and i love it.

[caption id="attachment_528" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="i'm not buying whatever he's selling."][/caption]

so that's it.  that's what i've been doing.  nothing exciting. 

i realize that i could blog more - since i'm not hammered all the time. 

i apologize if this bored anyone.  i'd like to think it didn't. 

but leave some comments if it did.

i really like 'lil wayne, although i rarely listen to him or even have any of his music but this line always resonates with me.

'cuz if you lookin' for me you can find me on the block disobeyin' the law

#realtalk 

 

 

Textual Feeling

i've decided to do a weekly feature that will spotlight the textual conversations between b and myself.  maybe if more people texted me and the conversations that ensued were ridiculous, i could feature more people.  but since i don't have a lot of friends, this will have to do.
enjoy.  or destroy?
b: what time does shitler bowl?
me: maybe 7.
b: how do you not know?
me: because i don't care.
b: you are a terrible person.
me: i'm aware of that.
b: you know, i don't like treating you this way, but sometimes you just get me so angry.
me: i've found that i stir that emotion in many people around me.
b: well, as long as you've come to terms with it, i guess i have to accept you the way you are.
me: you do.  and love me for it.
b: love is a such a strong word.
me: fine.  i'm going to sleep.
b: i hope you don't wake up.
me: me too.
and then a few days later he sent me a picture of a naked man bent over on a beach with his ball sack hanging out.
in other news, i was informed by foy at breakfast yesterday morning that i helped to destroy a fledging relationship b had embarked on.  i guess it wasn't necessarily a relationship, but moreso a "thing" via text.  this girl claimed that b was nice and very sweet through texting (i don't buy it) but was unpleasantly surprised when she friended him on facebook. 
apparently she's not a fan of the gratuitous use of the c-word that rhymes with bunt (which is, coincidentally, my nickname with a "y" and I use quite often) or the swearing or b's announcements that he has to #2.  i will take responsibility for my nickname, as she was offended, outright, by a picture b posted of me with the caption "another picture of the bunt (remove the "b" and insert the "c" and say it outloud wherever you are, please)." 
she's obviously a fool. 
who wants to be around someone so easily offended? 
no one.  that's the answer. 
it would be nice if she read this and got offended by it.  but not a lot of people read this, so that's wishful thinking.  but if you do read this and you do know her, maybe you could turn her onto this blog.  And make sure to direct her to this textual conversation.