bye july

so once upon a time (like in the beginning of this month) i accidentally got so ghost faced wasted that it crippled me with a 72 hour hangover.  during the hours of me getting to the point of beat up drunk i was hanging out with a couple of friends.  one who had a baby.  and in my drunk state i was all "hey self - you should get your camera and take pictures of the adorable baby."  so i did.  and then promptly forgot all about them until this week.  and then when i went to look at them i was like "oh ya the 4th of july happened.  and also that weekend on the chain 'o lakes."  and then i spent a good amount of time making copies of the pictures of the baby for his dad and weeping over how impossibly adorable his son is.
so i thought i would do a minor recap of all the things i did in july.   which, looking back, was a lot. considering how impossibly lazy i am.
so - things i did included, but aren't limited to, the following crap:
took pictures of baby j and experienced my uterus exploding over all of the adorable and also discovering how cute i find baby drool to be.  wtf.

we saw dave matthews band at summerfest.  which was everything except it was at summerfest and not alpine valley which just wasn't the same.  but dave was as magical as ever.

and then there was the fourth of july where we drank our faces off, ate the most horribly delicious foods, and watched dazzling lake fireworks.

and then we went to waupaca.  and cruised the chain 'o lakes and listened to live bands playing on pontoon boats, and drank beverages, and had much merriment.  and also there were shitler photo shoots because i swear someone whips out a camera and it's the shitler show.

and also shitler bought kan-jam and we went to a graduation party and baby E was adorable as per usual.

july was exhausting.  and i still managed to read sixteen smutty novels.  heyoooo.

also some things i didn't do.

1. run those 100 miles

2. lose ten pounds

3. lay off the wine

UGH.  LIFE IS HARD.  bye.

Gun Mug

i must admit that today has been a struggle.  
why?
because it feels like america punched me in the face after it got done kicking me while i was down because independence day was on a fucking wednesday and i'm now paying the hangover piper.  because i'm slightly twitchy.  and i crammed about 20 ham and pickle roll ups in my mouth.  and then a half of pint of melty cherry garcia and called that lunch.  and i've fantasized about food all damn day and how i would eat an entire party sub if someone brought it to me.  and i smell like christmas.  but not in the santa claus way.  but in the gin way.  because i drank way too much of that yesterday.  and because it felt like my body has been trying to expel everything in me all day by way of high quantity, odd colored shits.  
too much?
i don't even care.
i'm in the mood to over-share.  
and i may have been forcibly grabbed yesterday.  because i have bruises in the shape of fingers on my arm.  and also the bruises on my leg have gotten noticeably worse.  and usually i end up with awesome pictures but i was a complete disappointment yesterday because i have no awesome pictures.  just a thousand of fucking fireworks.  so i had to steal some from others.
here is the day.  summed up in 3 pictures.





and i have to put in a fireworks picture.

ok two.  because two out of a thousand isn't that bad.

so in all seriousness.  today was on a whole other level of lame.  

until 2PM.  
when this came:


finally.
and somehow, everything is now right in the world.

A Series In Poor Choices

i just wanted to lay in bed all day and watch bedknobs and broomsticks.  but no.  it's wednesday.  and i had to work.  while hungover.  severely.  

so severely that i ate my lunch before 9am.  so severely that i didn't even heat it up - just dunked a cold hamburger patty in lemon poppy seed dressing.  i'm a fucking wreck.

in my defense - it was shitler's last night of bowling and i can't tolerate being at that fucking place when i'm sober.  so i indulged.  and now i'm paying the price.  here's a few ridiculous fucking pictures from last night:

[caption id="attachment_1624" align="aligncenter" width="1024"] me. and the wheez.[/caption]



[caption id="attachment_1626" align="aligncenter" width="1024"] because normal pictures would be too easy.[/caption]

oh, good news.  shitler is the champion of his fantasy football league.  

also, he got a trophy.



what's that?  you don't care?  ya, me either.

but i do like trophies.

[caption id="attachment_1629" align="aligncenter" width="1024"] and shoving them up people's asses.[/caption]

and apparently shitler and i can take a decent photo together:



you'll have to excuse me.  i need more bayer advanced strength.  and another gallon of water.  if there were a contest for being the most dehydrated - i would win.

but today wasn't all bad.  i remembered that i did hit the eight ball in to win a game of pool last night.  i only won because b was my partner and he got every other ball in.   i'm not even joking.

and then my friend the super fox sent me the best text in the world.  seriously.  it was this and only this:

but now i'm concerned.  does jeff have cancer?  and why is his hair like that?

also - i would post a picture of the super fox and me but i don't have one.  and upon thinking about it - i don't know if i do want one.  because she's infinitely gorgeous and i am infinitely not.  

also - my hand smells.  that is all.

Three Things That Made Me LOL Today

Best Motherfucking Xmas. Ever.

tis better to give then to receive.

i just think i'm bad at accepting gifts.  because when people give me something extremely nice it makes me feel uncomfortable.  and then i feel bad that they probably spent a lot of money on me.  and then i worry about appreciating it enough and end up feeling like i'm not appreciating it like i should considering how much they probably spent on it.  which is why i don't have nice things.  and which is why i love when people give me socks as gifts.

but this christmas has officially become the best ever.

because my manager got me this:

[caption id="attachment_706" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="i'm so happy i could cry."][/caption]

i will not be working the second job tonight because i'm going to go home and have a meatloaf extravaganza. 

pictures to follow.