the bet

i don't know about anyone else but when people refer to "the most wonderful time of the year" i assume they're talking about football season.  and football season is just that much more wonderful if you're a packers fan (hash tag america's team and if you think it's any other team i will fight you) because hello aaron rodgers and slay matthews, and jordy, and randall and yes i like to refer to most all of the players by their first names because we're close like that (i wish AHEM slay and aaron).  and loving the packers and having cancelled cables means that oh-shucks-darn you have to watch the games at a bar that gives touchdown shots, prizes like free booze and bags sets, and also free drinking if you win the cheesehead hat.

but football season also means fantasy football.  and if we're being honest - i'm terrible at it.  like every season i have such high hopes for my team but i draft like shit and then none of my players ever live up to their potential.  and then i'm crushed because i get my ass kicked every week and never even make it to the playoffs.  and obviously this season wasn't supposed to be any different.  because the first few weeks tim tom brady decided to phone it in and i got my ass kicked from here to timbuktu.  but then in week three i was given a gift from the fantasy football gods when i played a team that had nearly every dominating player on a bye and i was all "i don't even care if this is a crap win because a win is a win and i will take it."  and then in week four i lost by a measly 3.53 points and i was like "at least it wasn't a blow out."  and then in week six i won.  again.  and by this point in time i was just generally confused as the feeling of winning was just so incredibly foreign.  which brings us to this last week; week seven: rivalry week.  which is basically couples week in the pool of tears (that's the delightful league name, FYI).  so naturally shitler taunted me and told me how i sucked balls and then asked if i was interested in a wager of sorts.  and i was down because what did i have to lose?  and the answer was not one red cent.  because existing at the bottom of the totem pole had its perks.  those being that there's really only one way to go.  and that's up.  shitler, on the other hand, had everything to lose.  sitting in first place and possibly losing to a wife that sucks donkey dick at fantasy football is certainly nothing anyone could brag about.
and so the negotiations began.
shitler: if you win you want butt stuff, don't you? me: what?  no.  you wish, loser. shitler: **weird creepy laugh** me: if i win i get a kitten. shitler: no. me: oh so you're not confident in your first place team? shitler: i can't risk it.  anything thing else? me: the other band for my wedding ring then. shitler: damn lady. me: you can either agree to a free cat (with nominal vet bills) or the other band for my ring. shitler: neither. me: those are my two choices.  you decide. shitler: ugh.  i hate you.
and then the most miraculous thing happened.  i won.

and then i was all david after dentist and "IS THIS REAL LIFE?"

so yes.  ladies (and no gentlemen, i'm sure) i totally won.  but the kicker is that shitler has refused both of my options for the conditions of the bet.  which leaves me with having won nothing.  which leads me to the point of this post.  which is your help.  your help in picking out what i shall now demand since shitler will not acquiesce with my demands of a kitten or my other wedding band.

what would you demand as spoils 

of the fantasy football rivalry week win?

dear tom brady

dear tom brady, fuck you.  no really.  i stood a fighting chance had you simply decided to be a bit more present in yesterday's game.  instead you did nothing but get me negative points and cause me to internally rage.  i know you have a lot going on in your life.  i can only imagine your love of gisele, ugg boots, your children, and now apparently turtlenecks can be overwhelming and hard to juggle but i'm going to need you to do your job.  and that job is throwing mother f'ing touchdowns and getting me monster fantasy points.

via

you're stuck with me tom.  so i'm going to need you to nut the fuck up for next week's game because week five was just garbage.  are we clear, tom? shit like this will simply not do.

god it just makes my brain explode TOM BRADY.  does it make your brain explode?  i sure hope so because that was quite the poor showing.  you get paid an annoying amount of money to do one thing - THROW TOUCHDOWNS.  so get it together and do so.  please and thank you.

sincerely,

shannon aka one seriously pissed off fantasy owner

p.s. you better hope my kicker gets like 45 points tonight tom brady.  or else.

anyway.  now that that's out of the way.  tom brady just takes me to a level that i don't like to stoop to but it was necessary.  he's not going to get that tough love anywhere else but right here.  so he should really thank me.

with like a check.  for a lot of money.

how are all of you kids doing?

super i hope.

aside from the train wreck that was tom brady yesterday my weekend wasn't altogether that terrible.

i read a book.  mindy kaling's book actually.  she has a really great section on "best friend rights and responsibilities" that is truly a must-read.  this is the best quote about best friends.  ever.

then the packers won (even better because they beat the lions).  and i got to play with a kitten.

and the tom brady bullshit aside if every weekend included the packers winning and just a bunch of kittens i think i would be the happiest person alive.  

like in the history of the universe.

but that's it.  that's all i did. AREN'T YOU JEALOUS. whatever.  it's sami time.

it's only a matter of time before shitler destroys me

i'll get to that title.

but in the meantime. eight hours. that's the only thing that stands between me and getting my camp on. it's that time of the year again - our 5th annual pinewoods camping celebration.  where we destroy the natural landscape of our camp site, drink our faces off, and generally behave like animals. here's a quick collage of years past to give you a general idea.

and yes - that's shitler with a chain saw.  and also the bonging of the boxed wine.

so ya - work can blow me because it's the very last thing in the world i want to even think about right now.

i say that not only because of the camping but also because i did alcohol shopping last night and it's all still in the back of my truck so it's hard to overcome the temptation that i know is waiting for me out in the parking lot.

so.close.

i bet the entire blog universe is going to be dominated by all things football and i'm going to mention it below so feel free to click out now but to warn you i have a delightful meme at the very end of this post so you might just want to buck up, endure the football talk, and then get rewarded with the meme.

fantasy football + NFL redzone = one happy kitten.  and that kitten is me.  and also shitler.

basically you don't bother the shitler household on a sunday.  like you can come over and drink with us but like shut your goddamn mouth and don't even ask to change the channel to watch some other game in its entirety you idiot.  #QUADBOX and also i love scott hanson.  but ok the point of this is that shitler and i participate in a fantasy league together every year with a bunch of our other degenerate friends called the "pool of tears" and basically shitler has won every single year.  he's a fantasy monster and i think if it were possible to actually live off of fantasy football related things he would.  i'm not even kidding.  he scooped up sproles before anyone actually knew who the fuck sproles was and he laughs his way to the championship each year because he just knows his shit and whenever the week comes that i have to play i pray to the fantasy football gods that his first pick quarterback is on a bye and he won't spank me too much.

this is what shitler did to his opponent last night (and thankfully it wasn't me).

are.you.kidding.me. and naturally since it's friday and i'm actually posting i'm going to link up with whit. and this song because it's our camping theme song because we sing it like a bunch of drunk hyenas and be all "WE 'GON RUN PINEWOODS TONIGHT."

AND i'm also going to do the damn thing with sarah because i mentioned fantasy football and how i am a fan of it so basically that qualifies.
AND IT'S MEME TIME.

catch you on the flip.  ghost ride the whip.

Textual Feeling: You Must Pay The Toll

it's been awhile since this happened.  
so boom - here's a conversation with b that centered around whether or not he could come over and watch redzone.

me: you can come over tomorrow.  i've decided.
b: ok.  do i need to bring anything?
me: i don't even care.
b: whoa.  what's with the combativeness?
me: it's mainly ambivalence.
b: i should have known.
me: actually, can you please bring me three orange gatorades.  thanks.
b: i will see what i can come up with.
me: and tortilla chips.
me: and vodka.  because we drank all the vodka last night.
b: anything else your highness?
me: a little less attitude would be nice.  and bacon.
b: out of those four things - pick the two you really want.
me: i want them all.

High Five 4 Friday

i want to talk to sampson!
quick - what movie?  first person to guess right gets a high five to their face - from me.

all questions aside - it's friiiiiiiiiiiiiiday.  so it's time to link up with lauren at from my grey desk.

1. remember how i'm going to cabo?  if you don't remember me telling you that i'm going to cabo this is me telling you right now that i'm going to cabo.  and in the spirit of all things cabo - check out these shoes i got for the wedding.  i've been licking them since they arrived.

2. this man and his high-waisted belt.  like he knows what's fashionable.

in all honesty, he told me the other night that he will basically put anything on if someone will take a picture of him in it so that others can enjoy it.  i was like "whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?"  how have i not known this.
so i pose this to you: what would everyone like to see shitler sporting?

3. long hair, don't care.  love me some clay matthews.  love me some of this face because it's all like "mmm, sacked jay cutler 3.5 times?  nbd."

4. do not, under any circumstances, give me a sharpie and something i can deface.
because this happens.

5. one of my very best internet and blog friends in the entirety of the world drew me this picture.  it demonstrates how much she loves line dried sheets.

so there you have it.  high five.  it's friday.  get over there and do it yourself.

Coffee Talk Installment 1

i enjoy link ups and natalie.  so when she emailed me to tell me about her new link up she was starting i thought "why the fuck not?"  so the point is to answer the five questions that nat asks every week and then go ahead and link up to her each thursday.

here are her five question for this week.

1. it's finally fall!!  what are you looking forward to this year?
this.  all day sunday.  quad box in my face.

2. what fall item is in your closet that you can't wait to pull out?

ha, the question asks what i want to pull out.  i can't help but laugh.  but in all seriousness.  sweatshirts.  and giant, baggy sweaters.  anything i can drown in.

3. since halloween is is the first holiday to be celebrated, we all get treated to a horror movie marathon all month long...what is your favorite scary movie to watch?

the original nightmare on elm street, for sure.  amityville horror with ryan reynolds.  i'd let him axe-murder me; he's that damn hot.  and it might not a horror movie - but i'll take sjp as a deranged witch any day in hocus pocus.

4. what is your favorite fall treat (recipes welcome)?

toasted pumpkin seeds; all day, everyday.  plus, you can never go wrong with chili and i will have to give big ups to shitler since makes a mean beef stew.

5. Now that summer is finally over, what will you miss most about it?

definitely not being able to just float on the lake with a cocktail.  there's nothing better.  i'd also have to say that being back at the part-time job isn't all that exciting.  and general lounging out on the porch with pals (at home or the bar).

so there ya'll have it.  the first installment of coffee talk.  if you feel so inclined you should go and do likewise.

High Five 4 Friday

you know it's going to be one of those days when you get to work and some jack wagon uses the word "neophyte" and it stirs in you something so violent that you have to quietly count to ten and excuse yourself.  but then you realize it's friday and you can discreetly back away from the edge that was sure to be some extraordinary (but well-deserved) verbal lashing.

so in the spirit of all things friday - here's my link up with lauren at from my grey desk.

1.  i'm sure you're sick to death of pictures of my dog; because trust me - i'm sick of my dog and i have to live with him.  but he has to be as close to me as physically possible.  and sometimes he falls asleep sitting up.  
like this.

2. it's been awhile since i bragged about the lake.

3. i forgot about how much i loved sushi until i crammed it in my face this past week.

4. this dog.  and how he lays.  it kills me.

5. it's the most wonderful time of the year.  fantasy. football.  

praise be.  

i've got one draft under my belt and the second coming up this weekend.  i've never been happier.

and yes.  my team names are menace 2 sobriety and dead sea sproles.

don't judge me.

A Series In Poor Choices

i just wanted to lay in bed all day and watch bedknobs and broomsticks.  but no.  it's wednesday.  and i had to work.  while hungover.  severely.  

so severely that i ate my lunch before 9am.  so severely that i didn't even heat it up - just dunked a cold hamburger patty in lemon poppy seed dressing.  i'm a fucking wreck.

in my defense - it was shitler's last night of bowling and i can't tolerate being at that fucking place when i'm sober.  so i indulged.  and now i'm paying the price.  here's a few ridiculous fucking pictures from last night:

[caption id="attachment_1624" align="aligncenter" width="1024"] me. and the wheez.[/caption]



[caption id="attachment_1626" align="aligncenter" width="1024"] because normal pictures would be too easy.[/caption]

oh, good news.  shitler is the champion of his fantasy football league.  

also, he got a trophy.



what's that?  you don't care?  ya, me either.

but i do like trophies.

[caption id="attachment_1629" align="aligncenter" width="1024"] and shoving them up people's asses.[/caption]

and apparently shitler and i can take a decent photo together:



you'll have to excuse me.  i need more bayer advanced strength.  and another gallon of water.  if there were a contest for being the most dehydrated - i would win.

but today wasn't all bad.  i remembered that i did hit the eight ball in to win a game of pool last night.  i only won because b was my partner and he got every other ball in.   i'm not even joking.

and then my friend the super fox sent me the best text in the world.  seriously.  it was this and only this:

but now i'm concerned.  does jeff have cancer?  and why is his hair like that?

also - i would post a picture of the super fox and me but i don't have one.  and upon thinking about it - i don't know if i do want one.  because she's infinitely gorgeous and i am infinitely not.  

also - my hand smells.  that is all.

Steve Jobs Ruined My Life

so i recently got an iPhone and it was absolutely the best thing that's ever happened to me (and I don't care what the judgy fucks say about how I should have waited for the new one to come out.  step.off.).

i named her lola and filled her with all sorts of apps:

• tiny tower (an absolute must for all iPhone owners)
• pinterest (i get nothing done)
• the obligatory social media apps (facebook, twitter, etc.)
• rotowire (thanks b - so i can keep up with all the fucking injuries my fantasy team is plagued with)
• stickies

i downloaded this stickies thing last night and it's basically post-it notes for your phone.  do i showed shitler what reminder i needed:

he called me an idiot.

but in my defense, he hates when i dick tap him.  but i really enjoy it.  he gets uncomfortable and squirmy and his reactions are even better when i dick tap in public.but sometimes i forget how much i like to do it - so i added it to my stickies and set an alarm as a reminder.  it'll be different everyday so he'll never see it coming.but my stickies board looked barren and boring so i explored and discovered you can use colored stickies and different shaped stickies.   so i updated my stickies board:

All The Single Ladies

so i thought i would share a little about shitler and his obsession with all things fantasy football.  last season it annoyed the shit out of me, considering that's all he ever talked about and you could gauge his mood at any given time on whether his team was winning or losing. 

but this season, i got sucked in.  and now i'm just as big of loser and i'm almost positive some of my friends would rather not talk to me then hear me rant about how michael vick is fucking me (which should probably be saved for a completely different post).
anyway, i discovered over the weekend that shitler accepted a bet (it's like he can't not accept it) from the commissioner of one of the four different leagues he's in (he's definitely the bigger loser out of the two of us).
the bet: the loser this week has to do beyonce's "all the single ladies" dance, tape it, and post it for all the world to see. 

I.  CAN'T. WAIT. 

i've never wanted shitler to lose more.  i offered to, of course, style and shoot the video but he just got nasty and told me to go fuck myself.  that's fine - i don't like to loser either.  and I especially don't like that goddamn song.  but i will love the shit out of that song when shitler is dancing around to it.

below are a few pictures from sunday football:

i won't know the outcome of this epic battle until after tonight's game but i certainly hope it's a nail-biter and i certainly hope shitler loses.