the bet

i don't know about anyone else but when people refer to "the most wonderful time of the year" i assume they're talking about football season.  and football season is just that much more wonderful if you're a packers fan (hash tag america's team and if you think it's any other team i will fight you) because hello aaron rodgers and slay matthews, and jordy, and randall and yes i like to refer to most all of the players by their first names because we're close like that (i wish AHEM slay and aaron).  and loving the packers and having cancelled cables means that oh-shucks-darn you have to watch the games at a bar that gives touchdown shots, prizes like free booze and bags sets, and also free drinking if you win the cheesehead hat.

but football season also means fantasy football.  and if we're being honest - i'm terrible at it.  like every season i have such high hopes for my team but i draft like shit and then none of my players ever live up to their potential.  and then i'm crushed because i get my ass kicked every week and never even make it to the playoffs.  and obviously this season wasn't supposed to be any different.  because the first few weeks tim tom brady decided to phone it in and i got my ass kicked from here to timbuktu.  but then in week three i was given a gift from the fantasy football gods when i played a team that had nearly every dominating player on a bye and i was all "i don't even care if this is a crap win because a win is a win and i will take it."  and then in week four i lost by a measly 3.53 points and i was like "at least it wasn't a blow out."  and then in week six i won.  again.  and by this point in time i was just generally confused as the feeling of winning was just so incredibly foreign.  which brings us to this last week; week seven: rivalry week.  which is basically couples week in the pool of tears (that's the delightful league name, FYI).  so naturally shitler taunted me and told me how i sucked balls and then asked if i was interested in a wager of sorts.  and i was down because what did i have to lose?  and the answer was not one red cent.  because existing at the bottom of the totem pole had its perks.  those being that there's really only one way to go.  and that's up.  shitler, on the other hand, had everything to lose.  sitting in first place and possibly losing to a wife that sucks donkey dick at fantasy football is certainly nothing anyone could brag about.
and so the negotiations began.
shitler: if you win you want butt stuff, don't you? me: what?  no.  you wish, loser. shitler: **weird creepy laugh** me: if i win i get a kitten. shitler: no. me: oh so you're not confident in your first place team? shitler: i can't risk it.  anything thing else? me: the other band for my wedding ring then. shitler: damn lady. me: you can either agree to a free cat (with nominal vet bills) or the other band for my ring. shitler: neither. me: those are my two choices.  you decide. shitler: ugh.  i hate you.
and then the most miraculous thing happened.  i won.

and then i was all david after dentist and "IS THIS REAL LIFE?"

so yes.  ladies (and no gentlemen, i'm sure) i totally won.  but the kicker is that shitler has refused both of my options for the conditions of the bet.  which leaves me with having won nothing.  which leads me to the point of this post.  which is your help.  your help in picking out what i shall now demand since shitler will not acquiesce with my demands of a kitten or my other wedding band.

what would you demand as spoils 

of the fantasy football rivalry week win?

it's begun

cue all sorts of football related posts from here until literally next year (totally sounds more daunting than it actually is).  and let me be the first to admit that for fourteen mondays, one tuesday, and a friday morning i will totally probably be hungover.  because it's packer season and there will either be raucous cause to celebratory drink OR depress drink based on the performance of the packers/outcome of all games.  and depressed drinking is the cause of my slight sad hangover today. which is actually the worst kind of hangover.
because when you wake up hungover after a night of celebrating you can at least be reminded that "hey!  i was totally happy and drinking last night because the packers laid out a straight beat down on 'insert any of the three teams i despise here'!"  which is actually the exact opposite of what i am right now.  which is just sad, depressed hungover because the packers played so terribly bad last night and the cherry on top of the shit sundae was that it was against the cheathawks seahawks and losing is bad enough but i certainly don't like doing it against those bag of dicks .
and yes i'm still holding a grudge from last 2012.  because duh.

so you'll have to excuse me while i weep into my diet breakfast (which is literally the worst when you're hungover) and also mull over my deep hatred for those pacific northwest gross birds.

OMG you guys.  the most awful thing just happened.

i should let you know that it usually takes me f'ing forever to even compile the simplest of posts.  so in the two hours that this draft has been open i've listened to a song that i've been obsessing over ever since it was introduced to me.  i figured that, in my current condition, it might make me feel better.  so naturally i went to listen to it again on spotify and IT IS NO LONGER AVAILABLE.  this the worst day of my life.  like ever.  #firstworldproblems - i know.

i found it on grooveshark so you can do yourself the most giant of favors by listening to it and then also commiserate with me because it's no longer available on spotity (where i do most of my musical listenings).
also i know that "listenings" isn't a word but i deserve a pass.

i should go home.   do you think work would allow me to bail based on "THE SONG I LOVE ISN'T ON SPOTIFY ANYMORE, THE PACKERS LOST, AND I'M HUNGOVER/MY LIFE IS TERRIBLE" excuse?
ya - i don't think that'll work either. i'll just stare at aaron.

p.s. happy friday assholes.

this has no title

i deserve some sort of reward for showing up to this blog two days in a row. i would suggest that someone buy me a drink but i've decided to make a bold decision and give up booze till i get married.  which, if you're counting, is four months away.  also i've decided to go cold turkey on everything delicious.  so basically no carbs, no sugar, no salt, no tasty treats.  because i feel like i'll never have a better reason to not be chubby ever again other than getting married.  so i should just man up and be miserable for the next four months.  sidenote - if you're my friend on snapchat then you'll remember the snap i sent you last night of shitler eating a sandwich in bed?  please know that i stared at him eating that sandwich like some sort of beggar dog.  it was embarrassing. 
but whatever.  here's a semi-recap of this weird week.

1// shitler did some ice fishing.  but it was like balls cold out so really he just set some tip-ups and watched for flags from inside the house.  it's equal parts genius, pussy, and loser.

2// samm was in milwaukee and made the trek out to okauchee to get drunk-ish with me.  THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR.

3// so apparently there's a new show coming out called "king of the nerds."  something about being the ultimate "nerd off."  you can read about it here.  but more importantly one of the nerds looks exactly like shitler and i about fall off the couch each and every time there's a preview for it.

4// uncle rico and those big sad eyes.  BECAUSE YOUR DOG LIFE IS SO RUFF.  rough.

because duh, obviously.  packers beat the bears.  NFC NORTH CHAMPS YA'LL.

that's all i've got.  i'm going to go chug a bunch of water.  like so much water that i want to explode.  but hopefully that will dull the hunger pangs.  the ones that are trying to convince me that it's ok to gnaw off my own arm.

no one even lambeau leaped. or is it leapt?

with all due respect - weddings are exhausting.  and this one wasn't even mine.
but i think it takes a lot of dedication to strap in and stay committed to binge drinking.
in honor of the wedding.  obviously.

so here are some non-iPhone pictures.
and don't worry.  the quality might be nicer but everyone is still just as drunk.

that's all i've got.
because i'm still recovering.
and yes - i'm aware that it's tuesday.

lambeau field drunk

i for sure woke up still drunk yesterday morning.
which is why i think i didn't feel like too much trash.
but then - as my residual drunkenness began to wear off the hangover set in.
and i'd like to think it was lambeau sized hangover courtesy of lambeau field itself.
but i blame the flasks i BYOB'd in.
and also the shots.
but seriously - a wedding at lambeau field is definitely the least terrible thing i've experienced in awhile.

i like to think that we part-way contributed to aaron rodger's annual salary after shitler spent $38 on four shots of cumchata.  YOU'RE WELCOME AARON.

but here are some delightful iPhone pictures.
and to answer the obvious question - yes i am drunk in each one of them.

in retrospect - we probably didn't need to go to the bar after these photo shoots.

but we did anyway.

where i promptly got into an argument with a bartender.

it went something like this:

me: may i have a vodka red bull?

bb (bitch bartender): yup. 

me: this tastes like shit.  can i have some more vodka in it please?

bb: *shoots me some major eye roll, grabs my glass, and walks away to hopefully put more vodka in.*

me: i still can't taste the vodka.  here's $5.  can you please pour a shot and then pour it into my drink.  but right here.  where i can see you.

bb: *more eye rolling and then shot pouring*

bb: are you sure you're not just too drunk to taste the alcohol?

me: where's your manager?

nasty little bartenders with shit for attitude aren't going to get very far.
as a rule - if i'm drinking at a bar i like to be able to taste the alcohol in my drink.
and furthermore - if i'm willing to pay for something that i've already paid for just so you'll keep the eye rolling to my face to a minimum i don't think that's asking too much. 

and this is how everyone felt the next day.
i blame that extra shot i paid for.

weekend crap: winning

look.  
i don't even care that maybe you'll probably get annoyed with all the photos i plan on posting.

like today.

deal with it.

my neighbor's daughter is going to get super fed up with me.
give me two days and i bet she won't get excited to see me anymore.

 and then there's two freaks.

ok, and also let's mention the packers.
because we're division champs BABY.
and if anyone was wondering - the bears still suck.

oh, and my brother is hilarious.

how was your weekend?

In Which I Pretend This Post Is About The Packers But We All Know Who It's Really About - Baby B

iiiiiii don't wanna work - i  wanna bang on my drum all day.

that's the song that plays at packer games and bars in celebration of packer dominance after they score a touchdown.
like this type of celebration.

but in all honesty - i'm not sure how anyone gets anything done when baby b is around.  

no working.  

no banging on drums.

because she is a laugh riot all the time.

she wanted to watch redzone.

and stare at shitler

and consistently push me away and declare shitler to be hers.

she's too much.
a freaking lunatic half the time - but the kind of lunatic i enjoy being around.

A Punch to the Face

It goes without saying that everyone gets sick.  People blame it on allergies or the changing of the seasons or whatever else there is to blame it on. 

I blame getting sick on the fact that my body hates me and thinks it's funny when I'm miserable.  It started with a simple cough on Saturday morning. 

Nothing to write home about. 

But it slowly escalated into an all out attack on my nasal passages and throat/face area.

I've attempted to fight back. 
The initial counter-assault began with this:

[caption id="attachment_355" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Nectar."][/caption]

But in an attempt to feel even 50% of normal, I ended up pounding half a bottle, which in turn gave me gut rot.

So I turned to this:

[caption id="attachment_359" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Mixing meds."][/caption]

For about thirty minutes I felt numb (which I liked) and then my face started to hurt and I think dehydration began to set in.  So I popped some pain killers and chugged some water.  Then I found some vitamins in my drawer and I figured they really couldn't make things any worse - so I took those.  And on top of everything, I'm exhausted, so I've sucked down about three cups of coffee like it's the last available thing to consume on this planet.

And this was all done by 9AM this morning. 
So my desk looked like this:

[caption id="attachment_366" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Addict."][/caption]

Needless to say, it's been a struggle.  I just have to make it through a thirteen hour work day today, like I had to yesterday. 

It's not impossible, just miserable. 

I'm on track to need another two bottles of DayQuil and GoodSense Stomach Relief (knock-off Pepto).  In a perfect world, I could go home and self-medicate with some vodka and invite someone over to punch me in the face (and who are we kidding - there's plenty of people that would volunteer to do that). 

But this world is a cruel temptress.

At least I have George:

[caption id="attachment_369" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Parliament Funkadelic"][/caption]

And this new hat Lincoln got me:

[caption id="attachment_370" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Go Pack Go."][/caption]

I'm hoping to beat this bitch of a cold into submission over the next few days. 

But victory is questionable.