i want a baby

so babies.  and by extension having a family.
i'm almost always confused by it.  because in my mind when i'm perusing my facebook and it's filled with people i went to high school with and they're having babies my mind reverts back to a high school mentality and i channel an old person and scream "BABIES HAVING BABIES?!"  even though it's been like a decade since i attended a high school that was famous for having no windows and it's a totally logical thing for people to be having families and doing grown-up things.
but mainly when i see people choosing to procreate, like getting knocked up on purpose i can't help but utter a completely horrified "why?"  because it seems like all fun and games until explosive diapers happen and/or you get urinated on (i've heard that's a thing).
5 reasons why i want a child  (and therefore reasons i shouldn't be allowed to have a child)
1// a real life doll i don't know when the last time anyone was in the baby section at any store (except wal-mart. don't baby clothes shop at wal-mart because that place is terrible) but myself, my bank account, and shitler are all convinced it's the most dangerous place on the planet.  i know some people with babies and i always take it upon myself to buy their children clothing.  which sometimes is maybe crossing a line because it might scream "this is how i wish your baby would dress."
but really i bought baby E a tiny pink fleece and yes she's giving finger guns to murphy lee.

2// children are the ultimate excuse

and i say that lovingly.  i feel like a baby can get away with the worst of behavior.  like teen mom's jace (poor kid never stood chance with his remedial mother) and his love of the word "fuck" and also hitting his bio-mom and telling her "you deserve it."  the kid knows what he wants and also how to vocalize his frustrations with his bat-shit mother.  but if i had a kid and it did obscene or offensive things in public (like pull down his pants and pee somewhere) i would just shrug my shoulders and be like "it's three, what do you want from me?"  the sticking out of tongues, the spitting, the general naughtiness, etc. is hilarious.  i mean, you have a toddler and they're insane and that's just it.

i can't even handle shitler's behavior so there's no hope with a baby.

3// babies can look like trash and by extension so can moms

right now when i look like shit people just assume i'm a hungover piece of shit.  or maybe they think things like "GOOD LORD SHANNON JUST SHOWER.  YOU'RE AN ADULT AND IT'S NOT THAT HARD AND ALSO YOUR HAIR IS STARTING TO RESEMBLE SOME SORT OF RAT'S NEST SO GET IT TOGETHER."  but if you had a baby they would end up just being so much work that you would never have time to do anything else.  which would work well for me and also justify my questionable hygiene and clothing choices.  also people would stop telling me to sit like a lady or some bullshit.

4// convince it of things that aren't true

i have the strangest urge to just mess with babies.  like convince them that a banana is really a refrigerator and vice-versa.  i know that sounds cruel but i think it's important to keep yourself entertained and also help children overcome hardship early on.  i actually really, really just want to be entertained and i think things could be hilarious if a child kept demanding a refrigerator.

this picture doesn't have anything to do with the above but she kept throwing jesus on the ground and i couldn't stop laughing.

5// a leash

i would 100% put my child on a leash.  once again - for my own entertainment.  and also it would be a leash that could extend so that said child could run for yards or i could teach them to heel and tighten the leash and make them walk right by my side like a "good dog kid."

THEY WOULD BOTH LOVE TO GO FOR A WALK ON A LEASH.

but anyway.  those are all the reasons.

and for all those reasons i probably really shouldn't be given a child on a full-time basis.

talk to me when i'm forty.

the cuteness, though.

three cheers for the holidays almost being over

is anyone even out there? i mean - it wouldn't shock me if not a soul was reading this. i wouldn't read it if i were you.  and mainly because of lack of content and also because if i could be anywhere right now it would be cocooned in my bed watching burlesque. but instead i'm here listening to the burlesque soundtrack instead.  because i'm a loser. and mainly i'm exhausted.  because of holiday shit and also work.  and also extra restaurant work which is an entire post in and of itself.
mainly i wanted to come here and ramble a bit.  because somehow allergies have hijacked my face and also because santa brought me my period for xmas and i sneezed through my tampon this morning on my to work and GIRLS YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.  and yesterday when i was at target losing my shit over all the sales i blacked out and bought way more stuff than i should have, then forgot to pick up dinner, and then after i picked up the 189 photos i had printed at walgreens the side of the box collapsed and spilled all 189 photos all over the wet, decembery (just made that up) walgreens parking lot.  so i guess i don't really know what's going on.  except that the stuff i bought is literally the most adorable stuff ever.  please see below.

but xmas, hey?  because we did some celebrating pre-christmas.  with people that we don't get to see all the time on account of the fact that they live in minnesota (lame).

and then for actual xmas i just hung out with a bunch of babies.  ADORABLE ONES.

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR ALL OF THAT CUTENESS TO EXIST?

i don't even know.

and if you follow me on the gram then you've probably gotten real, real sick of the little E overload but i don't even care what you think because if you don't think she's adorable and you don't want to help me kidnap her then you're a terrorist.  

p.s. i only got to enjoy an hour of my family's xmas because i had to work at the restaurant.  i know - feel sorry for me.  but here's the post from my family's xmas last year.  it's about the same every year.  lots of dubstep, gangsta rap, and shenanigans.
and this is just my most favorite xmas related photo ever that you wouldn't know was even xmas related.

oh and also this one.  noobs.

scripts on scripts on scripts: a medicated weekend

oh hey there.

four day work for this chick over here.

so spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch.

kidding.  this week is going to blow giant male private parts.

i'm sure if you sometimes check out what i'm doing on any social network that you're probably aware and also sick to death of my face pain/wisdom teeth debacle.  but that's the only thing that's even happening in my life right now.  

friday was a goddamn disaster.

after my dental appointment on thursday i was referred to an oral surgeon because "blah blah, partially impacted, blah blah."  but apparently no one had their shit together and my x-rays didn't get sent over for my appointment with the surgeon on friday.  so it was all "you can call and re-schedule or you can pay and have them done again."  and i was all "no ma'am i'm not rescheduling because my face hurts too goddamn much for that shit and also no i will not be paying again for them because someone is incapable of sending a simple email."  so they so nicely waived the charge and we got down to business.  the surgeon pointed out where it's basically growing into my face and therefore causing the immense pain and then he asked what i would prefer in regards to anesthesia and i was all "well this entire thing is terrifying so i would prefer to not be conscious for it."  and then the dentist was like "well you are extremely anxious so we'll put you under and also here's a prescription for ONE valium.  please fill it and take it an hour before your surgery on friday."  whatever.  shitler will be taking me.  i hope i can operate my phone after the surgery.  i'm awfully pro-drugged-up tweeting and i kind of want to see what sort of damage i can do.

but i digress.
since it was friday it meant i had to work at the restaurant so i just popped pills and hoped for the best.  

saturday was a restaurant work meeting and nothing is more excruciatingly painful than one of those.  so it was more pills to help numb all the pain - both physical and emotional.  and i'm not kidding about the meetings.  there's a few people that always have JUST ONE MORE QUESTION TO ASK.  and all you want to do is strangle the ever-living shit out of them because they're exactly like the kid in school who reminded the teacher that they hadn't assigned any homework yet.  i also ate some mushy cheese curds, had drinks, worked more, and then went home and attempted to eat a chip before i passed out.  please see below:

sunday i fist pumped like a champion because i didn't have to do anything and shitler went to a  brewer game so it meant i had the whole goddamn house to myself.  so naturally i stocked up on mushy foods and then got horizontal on the couch with pretty little liars and these two dorks.

AND THEN A BABY CAME OVER.

PREPARE YOUR LADY BITS.

little E was just all sorts of excited over the hounds.  it was ADORABLE.

i feel like my brain still can't fully comprehend pretty little liars and all the shit they get done. 

on the real.  their phones never die, they basically never have homework, and they just roam around.

is that real life?  am i old?

lastly i need you all to know that i got so fed up with eating mush foods that i took enough pain medication to effectively numb my face and then i gnawed on a piece of pizza.  which basically made me feel like a rebel.  until this morning.  when i woke up with such excruciating pain that i've effectively learned my lesson.

p.s. GoT'ers - what did we think?  did we like it?  and for those not reading the books i need you to.  for the love of all that's holy i need you to so we can discuss the most awesome things to come.

p.p.s. i'm linking up with sami.  duh.

      

the best of what's around

so sometimes you have a weekend that's basically the most perfect one ever.
because you did so very little that you loved almost every nanosecond of it.
like there was gorgeous weather and other people's gorgeous kids.
a lake.  WINE (obviously).

but alas.  it's monday.

and we all hate it.  like perhaps the picture below is how we're all feeling.

p.s. will it be weird if i blow up pictures of other people's children to like a poster-sized version because they're so damn cute i can't even handle it?  probably?  ok, i won't.

how the mother-f was your weekend?

      

the best kind of weekends involve puppies

this weekend was mainly filled with puppies and babies.
which is pretty ok in my book.
and even better that they're not mine so i don't have to deal with accidents in the house or dirty diapers.  
so that's always a win.

1. got a stellar 66 cent tip from friends of mine that came into the restaurant.
kidding.  they like to try and be cute and leave a shitty tip and then give me cash after i've looked at the tip.  
AND i even drew a penis and a bunch of hearts all over their receipt.
so they better be grateful.
2. uncle rico and his big block of a head.
3. black swan cometh for you.
4. a couple of couch snugglers.
5. oh ok puppy sad face - knock it off.  it's just too much.
6. uncle rico is also a drunk.

thank you pretty lake and pretty sky.

she's all "hey dick - those are mine."

party collar time.

 how was your weekend?

everything you had hoped it would be and more?