because last minute crap is my jam

i bought shitler's xmas present yesterday. i wasn't actually going to get him anything but then he called me at work (yesterday) and said he had just got done getting my xmas present and then i was under my breath muttery (i just made that word up and i really like it so i'm going to use it more frequently) with "son of a bitch" and he was like "what did you say?" and i was like "nothing.  i don't want to talk anymore.  bye."  and then i was like "damn, damn, damn what the shit am i going to get him?"  and there's pressure here people because shitler says i'm terrible at giving gifts (but the joke is on him because i'm just terrible at giving him gifts).  and since i didn't have a spare four hundred doll hairz laying around getting him a PS3 (or 4 because whatever i don't even know what the fuck is the most current gaming system) was out of the question.  so really and truly you would think i would learn from my mistakes about last minute xmas shopping because everything is picked over and there's basically nothing available (but obviously i never do).  so it was just a matter of making do with what was available.  and when i had collected the assortment of gifts in my cart i was fairly confident that all were excellent gifts.  but feedback is always nice so naturally i asked a nearby sixty year old man if he would enjoy all the items if he received them as a gift.  and he told me yes.  so if one were to follow logic - if shitler enjoys these gifts then he's basically a sixty year old man.
now be a good sixty year old man and drink that glass of straight jim beam.

three cheers for the holidays almost being over

is anyone even out there? i mean - it wouldn't shock me if not a soul was reading this. i wouldn't read it if i were you.  and mainly because of lack of content and also because if i could be anywhere right now it would be cocooned in my bed watching burlesque. but instead i'm here listening to the burlesque soundtrack instead.  because i'm a loser. and mainly i'm exhausted.  because of holiday shit and also work.  and also extra restaurant work which is an entire post in and of itself.
mainly i wanted to come here and ramble a bit.  because somehow allergies have hijacked my face and also because santa brought me my period for xmas and i sneezed through my tampon this morning on my to work and GIRLS YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.  and yesterday when i was at target losing my shit over all the sales i blacked out and bought way more stuff than i should have, then forgot to pick up dinner, and then after i picked up the 189 photos i had printed at walgreens the side of the box collapsed and spilled all 189 photos all over the wet, decembery (just made that up) walgreens parking lot.  so i guess i don't really know what's going on.  except that the stuff i bought is literally the most adorable stuff ever.  please see below.

but xmas, hey?  because we did some celebrating pre-christmas.  with people that we don't get to see all the time on account of the fact that they live in minnesota (lame).

and then for actual xmas i just hung out with a bunch of babies.  ADORABLE ONES.

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR ALL OF THAT CUTENESS TO EXIST?

i don't even know.

and if you follow me on the gram then you've probably gotten real, real sick of the little E overload but i don't even care what you think because if you don't think she's adorable and you don't want to help me kidnap her then you're a terrorist.  

p.s. i only got to enjoy an hour of my family's xmas because i had to work at the restaurant.  i know - feel sorry for me.  but here's the post from my family's xmas last year.  it's about the same every year.  lots of dubstep, gangsta rap, and shenanigans.
and this is just my most favorite xmas related photo ever that you wouldn't know was even xmas related.

oh and also this one.  noobs.

xmas in march

you know who i'm obsessed with?
samm.  my internet friend.
like shout it from the rooftops in an obnoxious single, white female type of way in which i'd skin her and wear her like a coat but in a less serial killer/stalker way.
like perhaps when i talk to shitler about my internet friend samm that sometimes i liken it the craig's list killer only less murdery.  or like catfish - only we're totally telling the truth.  i mean - let's hope so.
so when samm and i saw all kinds of bloggers swapping stockings for xmas we decided to do it too.  but just the two us and kind of like we're dating.  naturally mine was late.  by a few weeks.  and samm's?  well, samm's just arrived at my house on monday.  as in march 4th.  as in practically spring.  as in - it's exciting because it's like xmas came way late and i don't even mind.

curious about what was in my box?
i know - everyone is.

firstly - there was dog toy.  which i don't have pictures of because the mutts immediately ripped it to shreds.  
not even kidding.

but then there were these things.  like they came in this fantastic stocking.

and then these!

ummm yes, a compact mirror in the form of a hamburger, sushi erasers, and also some sort of pizza pouch.  which i'm not quite sure what the use is for yet but i'm certainly going to put a piece of pizza in it the next chance i get.
and then even better.

ummmmmm hello who is my soul mate? 
samm.  duh.
shitler tried to take a giant dump on my present when he was all "uhhh, i don't think you can send booze in the mail."
and then i was all "SHUT UP SHITLER YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS! YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GET YOUR OWN INTERNET FRIEND."  he didn't really say anything after that.  
just basically ignored me and went back to doing whatever it is he does.
i think he just doesn't want to admit that he's jealous of my internet friend and that he wishes he had his own.  but like he'll never come clean about it.

what do your internet friends send you?