2// children are the ultimate excuse
and i say that lovingly. i feel like a baby can get away with the worst of behavior. like teen mom's jace (poor kid never stood chance with his remedial mother) and his love of the word "fuck" and also hitting his bio-mom and telling her "you deserve it." the kid knows what he wants and also how to vocalize his frustrations with his bat-shit mother. but if i had a kid and it did obscene or offensive things in public (like pull down his pants and pee somewhere) i would just shrug my shoulders and be like "it's three, what do you want from me?" the sticking out of tongues, the spitting, the general naughtiness, etc. is hilarious. i mean, you have a toddler and they're insane and that's just it.
i can't even handle shitler's behavior so there's no hope with a baby.
3// babies can look like trash and by extension so can moms
right now when i look like shit people just assume i'm a hungover piece of shit. or maybe they think things like "GOOD LORD SHANNON JUST SHOWER. YOU'RE AN ADULT AND IT'S NOT THAT HARD AND ALSO YOUR HAIR IS STARTING TO RESEMBLE SOME SORT OF RAT'S NEST SO GET IT TOGETHER." but if you had a baby they would end up just being so much work that you would never have time to do anything else. which would work well for me and also justify my questionable hygiene and clothing choices. also people would stop telling me to sit like a lady or some bullshit.
4// convince it of things that aren't true
i have the strangest urge to just mess with babies. like convince them that a banana is really a refrigerator and vice-versa. i know that sounds cruel but i think it's important to keep yourself entertained and also help children overcome hardship early on. i actually really, really just want to be entertained and i think things could be hilarious if a child kept demanding a refrigerator.
this picture doesn't have anything to do with the above but she kept throwing jesus on the ground and i couldn't stop laughing.
5// a leash
i would 100% put my child on a leash. once again - for my own entertainment. and also it would be a leash that could extend so that said child could run for yards or i could teach them to heel and tighten the leash and make them walk right by my side like a "good
THEY WOULD BOTH LOVE TO GO FOR A WALK ON A LEASH.
but anyway. those are all the reasons.
and for all those reasons i probably really shouldn't be given a child on a full-time basis.
talk to me when i'm forty.
the cuteness, though.