Thursday, February 6

i want a baby

so babies.  and by extension having a family.

i'm almost always confused by it.  because in my mind when i'm perusing my facebook and it's filled with people i went to high school with and they're having babies my mind reverts back to a high school mentality and i channel an old person and scream "BABIES HAVING BABIES?!"  even though it's been like a decade since i attended a high school that was famous for having no windows and it's a totally logical thing for people to be having families and doing grown-up things.

but mainly when i see people choosing to procreate, like getting knocked up on purpose i can't help but utter a completely horrified "why?"  because it seems like all fun and games until explosive diapers happen and/or you get urinated on (i've heard that's a thing).

5 reasons why i want a child 
(and therefore reasons i shouldn't be allowed to have a child)

1// a real life doll
i don't know when the last time anyone was in the baby section at any store (except wal-mart. don't baby clothes shop at wal-mart because that place is terrible) but myself, my bank account, and shitler are all convinced it's the most dangerous place on the planet.  i know some people with babies and i always take it upon myself to buy their children clothing.  which sometimes is maybe crossing a line because it might scream "this is how i wish your baby would dress."

but really i bought baby E a tiny pink fleece and yes she's giving finger guns to murphy lee.

2// children are the ultimate excuse
and i say that lovingly.  i feel like a baby can get away with the worst of behavior.  like teen mom's jace (poor kid never stood chance with his remedial mother) and his love of the word "fuck" and also hitting his bio-mom and telling her "you deserve it."  the kid knows what he wants and also how to vocalize his frustrations with his bat-shit mother.  but if i had a kid and it did obscene or offensive things in public (like pull down his pants and pee somewhere) i would just shrug my shoulders and be like "it's three, what do you want from me?"  the sticking out of tongues, the spitting, the general naughtiness, etc. is hilarious.  i mean, you have a toddler and they're insane and that's just it.

i can't even handle shitler's behavior so there's no hope with a baby.

3// babies can look like trash and by extension so can moms
right now when i look like shit people just assume i'm a hungover piece of shit.  or maybe they think things like "GOOD LORD SHANNON JUST SHOWER.  YOU'RE AN ADULT AND IT'S NOT THAT HARD AND ALSO YOUR HAIR IS STARTING TO RESEMBLE SOME SORT OF RAT'S NEST SO GET IT TOGETHER."  but if you had a baby they would end up just being so much work that you would never have time to do anything else.  which would work well for me and also justify my questionable hygiene and clothing choices.  also people would stop telling me to sit like a lady or some bullshit.

4// convince it of things that aren't true
i have the strangest urge to just mess with babies.  like convince them that a banana is really a refrigerator and vice-versa.  i know that sounds cruel but i think it's important to keep yourself entertained and also help children overcome hardship early on.  i actually really, really just want to be entertained and i think things could be hilarious if a child kept demanding a refrigerator.

this picture doesn't have anything to do with the above but she kept throwing jesus on the ground and i couldn't stop laughing.

5// a leash
i would 100% put my child on a leash.  once again - for my own entertainment.  and also it would be a leash that could extend so that said child could run for yards or i could teach them to heel and tighten the leash and make them walk right by my side like a "good dog kid."


but anyway.  those are all the reasons.
and for all those reasons i probably really shouldn't be given a child on a full-time basis.

talk to me when i'm forty.

the cuteness, though.

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  1. The excuse to look like hell because a baby is running you ragged is good enough for me!

  2. I don't get why people are so against leashes on kids. LEASHES CAN SAVE LIVES.

  3. I have heard they help you breeze through security in airports as well. That could come in handy for smuggling purposes.

    1. haha they totally do! When we all went to Arizona two Christmas' ago they let us in the front of the line, no shoes were taken off nothing. It was great! Until we got on the plane...

  4. One of your reasons should involve always having content to put on the internet/blog/instagram/facebook/etc/etc. I mean, that's why I'm having this baby. If it's not cute, we'll just have to try again, because I'm not putting an ugly baby on the internet! ;-)

  5. I want to eat her up. In the non-cannibal way.

  6. But for real telling my kid white lies is the best thing ever. I fuck with her because I can. And she fucked with my boobs and made them saggy lady bits. Payback.

  7. You can come and be entertained by tiny Kirsch… because seriously, she is something straight off of Bravo sometimes!

  8. yes you can tell lies to your child and boss them around and make them do shit for you. they warped your vagina and clawed your insides for a good 9 months (and while coming out) that you have full authority to fuck with them. it's your job!

    Vodka and Soda

  9. I used to hardcore judge leash parents, but NOW I GET IT. You could get like a double leash for the kid AND that damn dog.


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