last night i took a bunch of PM allergy pills because my face hurt and i couldn't stop sneezing and my eyes were so scratchy i wanted to gouge them out and i suddenly had a really great idea for a post and in my allergy medication induced haze i planned it out and couldn't stop thinking about how awesome it was going to be and then i even murmured to myself "you should write this down because you're going to forget" and i was all "shut up self this idea is too awesome to forget" so i just went to sleep and then woke up this morning and guess what i forgot.
so what will happen today is that i'm going to collect some things i would like to tell you and then i will tell you them and then i will end this post.
1// by now i think everyone knows about the polar vortex. or at least you've heard of it. but anyway - the house that shitler and i rent is a way old lake home with tons of shit wrong with it and it looks terrible but i only half hate it because HI it's on the lake. so bad things happen when temperatures drop to fifty below zero. bad things like pipes freezing. and then even worse things like shitler saying "i hope you don't have to shower or poop, because you can't do either of those things" and "the new rule is 'if it's yellow let it mellow.'" and i don't know about everyone else but as soon as someone tells me i can't do something my whole entire being needs to like desperately do that thing that i was told i can't do. so it was a rough few days. and shitler finally called the landlord. and apparently he's in the hospital and his wife oddly didn't know which hospital or how to get ahold of him so shitler decided to just fix it himself. so sunday morning, while his toddler niece was at our house, shitler took it upon himself to venture down into the basement and unclog/fix the pipes. for a good hour all i heard from the basement was an incredible amount of swearing and shouts of distress. because unclogging/fixing the pipes mean it rained down gross bathroom things onto shitler. THREE BUCKETS FULL to be exact. best day ever.
2// the PM allergy meds make my mind wacky. and the one thing i remember from after 10PM last night was me telling shitler that my butthole has the strength of ten men. whatever.
3// i thought it was a good idea to buy clearance swim suit bottoms from target last week. i haven't tried them on yet because i'm terrified. and the bottoms look larger than life and i know i have a big ass but i sincerely hope it's not that big but also it wouldn't shock me if the bottoms fit perfectly.
4// in regards to my giant ass i'm hoping that it at least got a tiny bit smaller. i weighed myself this morning and i'm down 14.5 pounds since january 2nd. so just a gazillion more pounds to go, guys.
5// i cannot stop watching mob wives. those crazy bitches simultaneously intrigue and terrify me. but i can't stop like desperately wanting to hang out with them. and then i don't know what that says about me. because i watched this one episode and this albanian chick said "i've been rapping since i've been walking" and then French Montana (the rapper) wanted her to spit game on one of his songs and she agreed and said that she raps about real things and then she was all "I'M NOT A GOLFER BUT I'VE BEEN KNOWN TO KEEP A COUPLE CLUBS" and also "MY HATERS ARE MY MOTIVATORS" and i died.
6// last night i watched the superbowl with shitler and our friend B. i think we were talking about vitamin c or something because i got really excited about my forgotten vitamin c gummies and started handing them out. sidenote - i'm sure everyone else's significant other enjoys sitting around with their hand crammed down their pants. and that's exactly how shitler spent a majority of the superbowl. but i brought out the gummies and he removed his hand from his pants and shouted "PUT THE GUMMIES IN MY DICK HAND" but then changed his mind, stuck his hand back down his pants, and said "wait, feed me instead."