Friday, February 14


well it's v-day.
in my mind i see VD day.  and i guess that's gross but it makes me laugh so i'm going to keep that.

aside from all the normal people hating v-day for all the normal reasons i hate it more-so because i'm forced to work at the shithole restaurant.  last year v-day landed on a day of the week i don't normally work (like thursday or some bullshit) so i was forced to give up a weeknight to wait tables and it made me rage hate v-day more than i normally do.  this year, v-day lands on a friday, which for all intents and purposes shouldn't make me so hateful.  but it does.  because a normal busy friday night is filled with parties and large bills and bigger tips.  but tonight it will be filled with two-tops (tables of two for those of you not in the biz) and the whole night will just be me and my fellow co-horts getting deuced to death with tabs no more than fifty doll hairs.

and the worst thing is that i can't go home after my shift and drink till i can't feel feelings and binge eat cheese fries.  instead i'll just eat steamed green beans and chug water till i "break the seal" and start going to the bathroom every five minutes and then in my mind i'll pretend i'm drunk and then i'll go in search of my mood health pills, take some, and pass out with robin hood: men in tights on in the background.

and that, ladies and gentleman, is how you do a sober, on-a-diet v-day.

p.s. i'm toying around with the idea of printing these out and casually handing them out to all the skanks tonight.

also this song.
on repeat.  with whit.

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  1. I feel your pain. I am also working, and I think our owner is just so crazy he just took all the reservations, without even actually making sure we have that many tables (legitimately, we are out of tables). He also has this idea that they will not want to be gushy or romantic, and that we will literally be like "first stop: salad order. now." And when we return with their salads we will say "Second stop: entree. now. no questions. just pick."

    But this is not how it will work.

  2. You should hand those out - hilarious!

  3. Ah! Slightly Stoopid in the middle of Feb?! Makes me wish for summer again… I'm so sorry you won't be getting as plastered as I will tonight.. :( Hope you have a good one anyway!

  4. HAHAHAHAHAHA! I would laugh so hard if someone gave me one of those!!!! Love it

  5. 'Rage hate' is now my new favorite phrase. Although dick biscuit still takes the cake.

    If you barely eat anything all day and then drink 1 large glass of wine, it hits you pretty hard. I have a high tolerance but that shit was like, "I'M GONNA FUCK YOU UP, GIRL." last night. Sometimes your body just knows when it needs to be a wimp and get drunk easily for you.

    Also, you could pop a bunch of your allergy pills that make you all loopy. You know, for affect.

  6. Go up to all your tables and say "Hello, are you celebrating VD today? BECAUSE I SURE AM!"

  7. Put cheap rings in all their glasses and watch their boyfriend crash and burn! That should be enough to entertain you all night

  8. i'm not in the biz, but i'm around servers all the time, so yeah... i know, they'll be hating this day with you, missy. solidarity.

  9. LOL I love that valentine! Diets & Valentines day make for anger.

  10. i am printing this out for my own personal reasons.

  11. Hahaha I woke up to a Vday card this morning and texted Tbone, "VD and glitter, what more could i ask for".... I only see VD too.


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