gin and bare it: i want a baby

so babies. and by extension having a family.
i'm almost always confused by it. because in my mind when i'm perusing my facebook and it's filled with people i went to high school with and they're having babies my mind reverts back to a high school mentality and i channel an old person and scream "BABIES HAVING BABIES?!" even though it's been like a decade since i attended a high school that was famous for having no windows and it's a totally logical thing for people to be having families and doing grown-up things.
but mainly when i see people choosing to procreate, like getting knocked up on purpose i can't help but utter a completely horrified "why?" because it seems like all fun and games until explosive diapers happen and/or you get urinated on (i've heard that's a thing).
5 reasons why i want a child (and therefore reasons i shouldn't be allowed to have a child)
1// a real life doll i don't know when the last time anyone was in the baby section at any store (except wal-mart. don't baby clothes shop at wal-mart because that place is terrible) but myself, my bank account, and shitler are all convinced it's the most dangerous place on the planet. i know some people with babies and i always take it upon myself to buy their children clothing. which sometimes is maybe crossing a line because it might scream "this is how i wish your baby would dress."
but really i bought baby E a tiny pink fleece and yes she's giving finger guns to murphy lee.

2// children are the ultimate excuse

and i say that lovingly. i feel like a baby can get away with the worst of behavior. like teen mom's jace (poor kid never stood chance with his remedial mother) and his love of the word "fuck" and also hitting his bio-mom and telling her "you deserve it." the kid knows what he wants and also how to vocalize his frustrations with his bat-shit mother. but if i had a kid and it did obscene or offensive things in public (like pull down his pants and pee somewhere) i would just shrug my shoulders and be like "it's three, what do you want from me?" the sticking out of tongues, the spitting, the general naughtiness, etc. is hilarious. i mean, you have a toddler and they're insane and that's just it.

i can't even handle shitler's behavior so there's no hope with a baby.

3// babies can look like trash and by extension so can moms

right now when i look like shit people just assume i'm a hungover piece of shit. or maybe they think things like "GOOD LORD SHANNON JUST SHOWER. YOU'RE AN ADULT AND IT'S NOT THAT HARD AND ALSO YOUR HAIR IS STARTING TO RESEMBLE SOME SORT OF RAT'S NEST SO GET IT TOGETHER." but if you had a baby they would end up just being so much work that you would never have time to do anything else. which would work well for me and also justify my questionable hygiene and clothing choices. also people would stop telling me to sit like a lady or some bullshit.

4// convince it of things that aren't true

i have the strangest urge to just mess with babies. like convince them that a banana is really a refrigerator and vice-versa. i know that sounds cruel but i think it's important to keep yourself entertained and also help children overcome hardship early on. i actually really, really just want to be entertained and i think things could be hilarious if a child kept demanding a refrigerator.

this picture doesn't have anything to do with the above but she kept throwing jesus on the ground and i couldn't stop laughing.

5// a leash

i would 100% put my child on a leash. once again - for my own entertainment. and also it would be a leash that could extend so that said child could run for yards or i could teach them to heel and tighten the leash and make them walk right by my side like a "good ~~dog~~ kid."

THEY WOULD BOTH LOVE TO GO FOR A WALK ON A LEASH.