Wednesday, March 20

candy crush is the new meth

i'm going to do a survey.
show of hands if you've heard of the game candy crush?
ok, now raise your hand if you've played it before?
allllllright.  now assume the heads up-seven-up position and put your hand up if it's taken over your life.

that's what i thought.  it's ok fellow addicts.  we're all in this together.
i've honestly never felt more used and pathetic after a round of candy crush.
i become obsessed, angry, and withdrawn from reality when i'm balls deal in the game.
for your reference i'm going to run you through my typical thought process as i play candy crush.

first i'm pysched.  i've got a full set of lives and the world at my finger tips.



then i'm given my task.  clear all the jelly.
and in my mind i'm that fucking jelly's worst nightmare.
like it doesn't even know what's coming and i'm going to clear it so hard its children's children will feel it.
the jelly must die.


then i get the sweetest candy of all candies and i'm overly confident that i've basically got this level in the bag.
because watch out jelly but i'm going to pair that speckled candy with a striped candy and destroy you.


and when the ultimate pairing happens and candies start exploding and the game starts yelling things like "nice job" and "marvelous" and the jelly starts to really disappear and i start racking up major points i basically orgasm everywhere.



but then things take a turn for the worse and my cockiness becomes my undoing and i start losing focus on the more important candies i need to clear and before i know it the following happens.


when this happens i undoubtedly drop a few choice cuss words and overreact.
i deserved that win and i know it.
and then the next screen pops up asking me if i want to play again.
and of course i do.
but it also shows me other people with a higher score than i have.
and i start to question who those fucking skanks are.
and who they blew to get the extra lives?!


so i play again.  obviously.  the first time was rigged.
so i play again and again and again.
until this screen happens.



and it's at this point where i practically have a meltdown.
because i go searching for the version i can buy from the app store so that i can have unlimited plays.  
but it doesn't exist.  so we're back to square one and the waiting game.  
and then i consider the unthinkable.  i'll connect to facebook and bombard people with my need for extra lives and gifts and in my head i'll convince myself that it's not even the same thing as farmville and cafeville.  
this is different.
so i do it.
but then after i've asked no one is even giving me lives fast enough and i'm still subject to waiting for my next fix.
so my finger hovers over the button that is my last resort and what i consider in my head is the equivalent to hooking on the street for my next hit of meth.
i could buy more lives.  omgandit'sonly99cents.
i'll do it just this one time.  i won't tell shitler.  if he asks what the charge is on the itunes i can just tell him it was a song i bought.  he'll never know.  and i just need to beat level twenty-nine so it's not a big deal that i'll buy the lives.  
so i go to click.

but then i'm thankfully snapped out of my candy crush addicted haze by shitler yelling "OMG - are you playing that fucking game again?!"  and i realize that i've dodged a bullet.  that i almost embarked on that slippery slope where once i started buying one set of lives i would inevitably buy more lives and more lives and more lives.  and it's at this point where i need to take a shower because i feel dirty and used and really bad about myself.

because it's candy crush.
and i'm an adult.
and i should be doing adult things.  like drinking.  and eating chicken wings.

so friends - it is here that i reveal that
my name is shannon and i'm addicted to candy crush.

are you?




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15 comments

  1. As I'm reading your post one of my other tabs is Candy Crush! Just wait till you get to the higher levels it's awful! I've been stuck on level 86 for a long time. It took me like two months to get past 69. So addicted!

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  2. ewww stop it. My sister does this. Just step away from the candy crush. .99 cent beers=far better investment

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  3. I have to agree with Samm on this one.

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  4. YUP..... JUST WAIT TILL YOU GET TO THE LEVELS WITH THE CHOCOLATES AND BOMBS... ALSO AT CERTAIN POINTS YOU NEED TO BUY THESE 3 GAY ASS THINGS TO MOVE TO THE NEXT STAGE.. OR ASK ALL YOUR FB FRIENDS TO GIVE YOU THEM... i BUY THE THINGS.. AND BUY THE LIVES.. BECAUSE LETS FACE IT.. MY TIME IS WORTH WAY MORE THAN WAITING FOR THOSE DAMN LIVES TO APPEAR. I MUST COMPLETE THE ENTIRE GAME.

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    Replies
    1. WHAT - you're that far?! how far is this?
      i feel like this could take my entire life to complete this.

      Delete
  5. LMFAO. OBSESSED. But that's like me and myVegas on Facebook. Hell yeah I wanna earn real Vegas rewards!

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  6. LMFAO i'm so obsessed with this game. I'm on level 29 still. I can't seem to pass it. I always get so close but end up failing. LOL

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  7. Hahahha I loved this post. Definitely guilty of playing a game until I reach when I have to buy it. What's the point of playing a game if you're aren't going to play every single level in one sitting? ;)

    www.corporategirlstyle.blogspot.com

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    Replies
    1. it's basically the worst game i have ever played. and by worst i mean best. because i can't stop.

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  8. I have no idea why I started playing that game, but work is really starting to get in the way of my addiction. I've considered buying more lives, but I feel like that will ony fuel the fire.

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  9. havent played that one, but I get bat shit crazy when playing 4 pics 1 word, and that stupid song pop game!

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  10. So I was stalking you yesterday and saw this post and was like hmm I have to download and see what it's all about.. Now I'm really mad at you bc I'm highly addicted and need more lives like 20 mins ago. Ughhhhh

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  11. Oh my gosh yes! I am proud to say my addiction will be coming to an end as I am so close to finishing all of the levels. So I basically can have a real life again. :p

    Simplyy-Serendipityy.blogspot.com

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    Replies
    1. uhhhh so i let shitler delete it off my phone...WOMP WOMP WOMP.

      Delete

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