Tuesday, March 19

hey winter - get bent.

if winter were a person i would murder it.  that's not even an exaggeration.
i would beat it into submission and then choke the last breath of it's remaining life right out of it.
for those of you not familiar with the winter months and all of its bullshit let me break it down for.

if you have dogs you will undoubtedly yell at them constantly to stop eating the snow.  whether it's because it's yellow or because it's laced with salt to get rid of the ice mounds that accumulate.

you will have to account for even more time in the mornings in order to get to work on time.  sometimes there's that unexpected blizzard that blazes up right as you're ready to leave for work and you have to go fifteen miles per hour in order to avoid being part of some horrific car accident.  OR a foot of snow has been dumped on your car over night and you have to trudge around your car and clean it off so that you can actually journey to your job.  AND then if the temperature is in the negatives and also there's like one hundred mile an hour winds your windshield will inevitably be frozen solid across and you will have to sit in your car shivering while it heats up enough to defrost your windshield.  and sometimes, if you're lucky like me, you'll have to scrap the ice off your windshield from the inside.

you will have to literally psych yourself up to leave the warmth of the bed cocoon you've been in all night in order to endure the cold that is the rest of your house and then eventually the sub-zero conditions outside.

if you live at the bottom of a hill (like yours truly) then each and every time you need to leave the house and return means you will risk life and limb to reach your destination due to the ice slick that materializes over night.

good luck even attempting to muster up the energy to go to the gym.  the winter months mean that i channel my inner bear and want to eat everything in a five mile radius and then hibernate till may.

if you're super lucky and you live in a rental house with basically an absentee landlord and a finicky furnace then that means that your furnace will shower you with air conditioning temperature winds in the dead of winter.  the furnace is especially lovely right after you've exited the shower and you're looking for a nice blast of cool air in the dead of winter at 6am.

the winter months are certainly not conducive to drunk walks home from the bar where you consider at multiple points during said walk home to just curl up on the side of the road and take a quick nap (due to the fact that you're mere minutes away from hypothermia).  and the morning after a raucous night of debauchery and basically repelling down the hill makes for a fun map where you trace your body and find the bruises you incurred the night before from the many tumbles you drunkenly took trying to make it down the hill to your house.

so basically each and every time i need to leave my house i want to cry.
except shitler did point out that the hill looks kind of like the agro crag from guts.
so i should perhaps just strap in and pretend i'm on the game to make things interesting.


i just need it to not be winter.
i just need semi-nice weather that will allow me to sit outside and get drunk without freezing my ass off.  i just need the lake to not be frozen anymore.  i just need it to be time to go boating.  i just need to not almost die every single time i need to leave the house.  i just need for things to not look brown and slush-filled and ice slicked.  i feel as though i ask for so little so this shouldn't be too much.
below is what i would like.

dear nice weather - please come back.


please tell me that those of you from 
these here cold parts feel the same way i do.

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14 comments

  1. Ooh la la, I didn't even know you lived on a lake. I guess I just assumed it was all ice, all the time. Maybe I should visit in the summer months... My Florida self would surely die the second I stepped off the plane.

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  2. AMEN! Mother Nature needs to really stop hitting MN/IA/WI with all these damn snow & ice storms. I mean, c'mon, it's March!

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  3. Seriously! Every morning I wake up and see snow, I just want to go back to bed and hibernate until spring decides to arrive. I'm really starting to miss sunshine...

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    Replies
    1. RIGHT?! like is sunshine even still a thing?

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  4. I feel you. Both literally and figuratively. Although, I'm thinking life would be worse as Shannon girl because you have a nice lake in your backyard to look forward to :(

    There, there Velcro snatch, summer will come soon enough.

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  5. Yep. Exactly. It's windy as hell and frozen today, and I have had enough.
    Thank goodness HRH Princess Hawkeye won't even step on snow, let alone eat it.

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  6. Here's comes the Floridian with a response that'll make you want to beat me into submission with winter...
    But the snow is so prettyyyyyyy.

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  7. I wanted to be on Guts so freaking bad. Also, Double Dare. FAMILY DOUBLE DARE.

    This is making me NOT want to come visit your homeland. It scares me, in fact.

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  8. You said agro crag. Gone are the good ole days.

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  9. I'm in Pennsylvania and it is STILL snowing and thirty degrees here. I think I've been pretty patient so far but now I am OVER IT.

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  10. winter can suck it. we had 2 mini-snow storms in the past 2 days... it's the fucking end of march! enough already! i swear, mother nature is a c*nt for dragging this bullshit on for this long! i'm tired of this shit. right now, it's an awesome -3C where i am (toronto canada) so needless to say, i hate my life right now.

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    Replies
    1. UGH UGH UGH. let's go on vacation together.
      WAIT - didn't you just come back from vacation!?

      either way - i'm done. thank god you feel the same way.

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  11. Oh hell yes - I am so beyond over winter. So sick of being cold all the time, not being able to open my windows...all of it. Just want to sleep naked on my bed and not get icicles on my boobs.

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c'mon.
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