some things on friday

FRIDAY. get down.  get down on friday for realz. and a friday in which i don't have to sling sushi at the restaurant and instead will be travelling to the north woods is a good friday, indeed.
let's do a quick friday favorites.  or five on friday. whichever.
1 // i can't stop listening to this song.

like can't stop to the point that i was in the car with shitler the other night and tried to demonstrate to him what i looked like listening to it on repeat while at the gym on the elliptical and it involved a lot of jerky, uncoordinated movements and he was like "you don't seriously do that the gym, do you?"  and i was all "i'll never tell."
2 // earlier this week a co-worker reached her paws over the wall that separated our cubes and stuck heart-shaped tacks in my cube while quietly whispering "here; these are for you."  it was both weird and left me with a case of the giggles.

3 // if you don't watch trailer park boys then we can't be friends because it was just recently announced that season nine will be available for my viewing pleasure at the end of this month and i can't f'ing wait.

4 // my best friend in the whole entire world had a baby on monday!  she said she's biased and thinks it's the cutest baby in all the land and maybe i'm biased too but i happen to totally agree with her that it is, indeed, the cutest baby ever to grace this good earth.  i would post a picture, but no, you'll just have to take my word for it.
5 // i've mentioned previously that i don't like doing things that i think shitler should be responsible for.  one of said shitler responsibilities is the unclogging of the shower drain.  he routinely blames me and murphy lee (smurf lee sleeps in the bathtub - it's weird - i know) for the amount of hair that clogs the drain and whatever i'll deny it to the day i die that it's solely our faults because have you seen that hairy beast that is shitler?  but i digress.  because on tuesday i had to wash my gym shoes off in the tub (since it's mud season) and it immediately clogged up the drain.  so naturally i texted shitler to apprise him of the clogged drain situation and the following conversation was had:

i would link up with natalie but noooooooo her link up isn't live yet.
rude.
bye.

a beginning: smut mondays

if you've read stuff here for any length of time then you'll know how much i love me some smut. like any and all (except the kind that talks about fisting because that's just not for me).
you can read all of the posts i've written about smut here and here. i know - two whole posts - how in depth.
but the point is that i love to read the smut and i love when people recommend other smuts and i thought that maybe like twice a month we could do a smut link up and i show you mine and you show me yours.  relax - the books, not any body parts.  perverts.  but then we could talk about all the awesome smut we've read and also all the terrible stuff that you don't even want to admit to starting let alone finishing.
so come back on monday, october 13th, for our first edition of smut mondays. i'm still working on making a button because i'm remedial but i did make this banner type thing and i'm super proud of it.

also - if you're serial about the link up - perhaps leave a comment so i know i won't be the one and only person linking up two mondays a month.  k.thanx.bai.

friday things

oh hai. it is i.  shannon. and i have returned.  with nothing exceptionally interesting to tell you. so prepare to be under-whelmed by the five things on this friday that i've decided to tell you.
1// i returned from chicago on wednesday and parked myself on the couch, in front of the television, and basically OD'd on big love.  no one told me that trade shows were exhausting.  but apparently being on your feet for nine straight hours and then having to deal with outrageous chicago traffic to and from your hotel, and then not eating dinner till 9PM, and then not being back to sleep until 11PM will leave you in a constant state of being some sort of walking zombie because you just wake up and do the whole thing over again.  but you know what's not something to whine about when it comes to trade shows?  FOOD.  because i ate things like giant prawns, the best salmon i've ever put in my mouth, and short rib stuffed ravioli in a brown butter sauce and basically i was in some sort of orgasmic state whenever it came to food.

2// i committed to doing an eat clean challenge thing that started on monday (as in the eighth) and i'll 100% cop to the fact that i had the best of intentions to stick to it but chicago and delicious food was hard and there was booze so i failed.  BUT i buckled down and started it on wednesday.  so today is everyone's last day of the challenge and they're probably totally pumped and i'm over here kicking myself for not just sticking to the original plan but RPM restaurant - i couldn't quit you.  SO through the weekend it's just going to be me and my plain greek yogurt that i just can't seem to doctor up enough to taste good and all the other things that i don't actually want to eat.  like more greek yogurt.  or kale.

3// i was always so anti any e-reader.  but then things like pre-ordering and automatic downloading and borrowing e-books right from the library and being able to immediately download became a reality and now i won't stop can't stop.  so imagine how gleeful i was monday morning when a new book i had pre-ordered was waiting for me. #screwdrivered

4// i'm well into my first week of being shitler-less.  and i must say that it is glorious.  shitler is not one that enjoys alone time or solitary-type confinement so it's been amusing to get snapchat after snapchat of him trying to entertain himself.  which typically just means him getting drunk.  in his hotel room.  by himself.

poor guy.  BUT not poor shannon.  because the other day i bought some razors since i figured that was half the battle in attempting to shave legs and pits but then i was like WHOA why even bother.  because who am i trying to impress?  no one.  he gone.

5// so we all know that my dinkus dog mac is obsessed with me.  and yes he lumbers his sixty-pound self into bed every night and insists on sleeping with us.  so i think he's just beyond happy that shitler is gone and he gets more of the bed.  and last night was no exception.  because when i woke up at like 2AM i was crammed onto the side that shitler normally sleeps on and when i looked over mac was sleeping.  on his back.  head on the pillows.  under the covers.  like a damn human.  and it was comical and weird all at the same time.

so that's that.  and now it's back to the reality of having to work at the restaurant tonight. double drat.
linking up with lauren elizabeth and amanda.

lizards, and cats, and dogs - oh my

heyo.  i'm sure everyone in all the land is happy that it's finally the weekend.  i'm less than impressed.  only because i work the whole weekend and that's literally nothing to be jazzed about.  but things have been bouncing around in my brain and there's really no rhyme or reason to any of them so it's kind of like "hi i'm just going to dump these thoughts here and make you think all my thoughts with me."
1// sometimes when i look at my desk at work and it's littered in papers that i may or may not have put there/know what they are/don't know where to start it kind of makes me want to just "file" them in the trusty recycling bin.  like a swooping motion of grand proportions where i'll be satisfied that i will never have to deal with the repercussions of my alternate way of filing.  and by repercussions i mean furious customers and/or getting fired. 2//  speaking of work.  it's been really hard not to respond to every single email i've received this week with the following picture:

3//  am i the only person in the whole entire world that's mostly excited that i got married because it means lower car insurance?  i swearsies that every girl i see is like ZOMG so excited for the pictures and shit but i'm all LOWER MY CAR INSURANCE RATES BITCH.

4// my work just announced they're doing a company wide picnic at the zoo.  and i'm freaking pumped.  i'm almost more pumped to be able to tell shitler that one of his lifelong goals will finally come to fruition (keep in my mind i was just informed of said goal this past monday).  what is it you ask?  getting annihilated wasted at the zoo.  and no - it's not like we need to wait until a company wide zoo function but hopefully work will just foot the bill for all the expensive beer shitler will cram down his gullet.  also - i got drunk at the zoo once upon time.   but i was responsible and smuggled my own vodka in and then mixed it into my zoo slushie in a bathroom stall.  LIKE AN ADULT.

5// so it was my birthday this week.  and no i'm not one of those that makes a giant deal out of it because there is literally no point in celebrating something that literally happens year after year after year and just propels you further towards old age and inevitable death.  so since i don't care about birthdays much at all i don't ever expect presents.  but then sometimes someone hands you two jars of pickles and you thank the heavens that you're one year older because it means someone gave you pickles as presents.  shitler said he bought me something.  and he also said that he ordered it like two days before my actual birthday.  and then he also assured me i would really like it and that it would be here sometime this week.  so then i got really excited and all GIMME GIMME GIMME.  but then he checked the order last night and it said not to expect said shipment until the week of june 9th.  WOMP WOMP WOMP.  also - this fucking asshole didn't get my anything.  which is rude.  see also: QUIT GAZING AT ME YOU GAZER.

6// lastly - i don't know where on the internet i found this picture but i need to know who this cat is and what level of ping pong playing skills he's working with.  because i will challenge him.

and now i must take leave of this space.  but first i leave you with this song.  because i wish i was back on boat belting it at the top of my lungs (also linking up with whitney).

doing things makes me tired

i had every intention of writing something worthwhile today. maybe even something with nice pictures even.
BUT then i got sucked into still trying to recuperate after getting back from mexico (and yes i know that was over a week ago).  but being that i got back late last wednesday night and then worked the two following days at my day job, then had the pleasure of being scheduled a closing shift at the restaurant (of which i didn't arrive home till almost 1AM), and then had to be up at 5AM the following morning and at my parents by 7AM so we could drive 45 minutes to my littlest brother's college commencement (where a stranger touched me and i wanted to scream STRANGER DANGER! MOM HELP ME!), and then had to hightail it the fuck out of that town and speed back home to change and shower my dogs with a brief moment of attention, and get my ass to a wedding with a replacement shitler.  which, in retrospect, is like way better because i totally like replacement shitler a lot more than actual shitler.

replacement shitler is also shitler's cousin

so naturally when it was gorgeous out on sunday here in wisconsin and every single person was ZOMG'ing about the sunshine i was holed up in my house with the curtains drawn, rocking back and forth, and muttering nonsense to myself.  kidding.  i was obsessing over season one of the americans and frantically trying to devour the vampire academy series (three cheers for young adult books that make me feel like i'm thirteen years old again).  and then i passed out at 8PM because i had to be up and on my way to chicago at the butt crack of dawn for a tradeshow.  but it was a tradeshow i literally just ate my way through.

so here we are.  it's like a slight recap of everything i wish i really hadn't been doing but was doing out of obligation but also some stuff i actually wanted to do.  does that make sense?  no?  whatever.

there are other stories that i would like to tell you.  like the time i probably for sure watched a dead man get dragged out of the ocean, and maybe also a story about a drunk-ish bridesmaid, and maybe also about a wedding photographer that spoke no english.

but in the meantime i figured i should take this blindingly white ass of mine (because unfortunately there was no nude beach in which to tan that sucker in while we were in mexico) and link up with whit.  for like old time's sake.

friday is the tits

sometimes bloggers are all "ZOMG A FEW THINGS FRIDAY" and it makes me feel like a slightly less of a terribly disorganized person that can never just get their fucking shit together because they're too busy listening to howie day's "collide" on repeat all day to post something cohesive that has an actual point.
so i'm going to "a few things friday" the shit out of this post.
i feel like a majority of the time i spend on facebook is me mainly unfollowing everyone that annoys me. regina george helps with this.

once upon a time a cat hung out at my house.  i won't like all the way admit to the fact that it was a clever plot to try and get the cat to be a permanent roommate because then shitler will be all "I FUCKING KNEW IT" and i will deny it till the cows come home (which is a weird saying but i still like it) but his name was charlie and he was fantastic and he loved rumchata and also acted like a dog.  and it's no secret that cats crack me up and i just want to look at cat lolz all day long as a full-time job. so i made this side by side thing.  on the left is shitler and sir charles sizing each other up.   and on the right is exactly how i imagine cats make fun of us.

i read some where that it's not a good to tell people when you're going to be home alone.  so naturally i'm going to tell the internet.  but i think that makes me semi-full of myself because that's operating on the assumption that enough people read this and would care enough to take time out of their weekends to terrorize me/home invade.  so really - shitler will be out of town this weekend.  murdering rabbits.  and i'm going to watch practical magic at least eleven times and weep because i'm still bleeding internally. i don't imagine he'll need all these weapons to hunt down wabbits but in my mind i like to think so.

lastly.  there's a new topless picture of miley and whenever i look at it i react like a teenage boy and my brain just giddily screams TITTIES TITTIES TITTIES TITTIES TITTIES.  mature, i know.  if you want me to send you the x-rated version that doesn't have smiley faces covering her nipples just let me know and i'll gladly send it your way.

for all the wins in the world i've been listening to sam smith constantly this week. it seems to help salvage whatever sanity i have left. HERE YOU GO WHITNEY.

VD DAY. ER, V-Day

well it's v-day. in my mind i see VD day.  and i guess that's gross but it makes me laugh so i'm going to keep that.
aside from all the normal people hating v-day for all the normal reasons i hate it more-so because i'm forced to work at the shithole restaurant.  last year v-day landed on a day of the week i don't normally work (like thursday or some bullshit) so i was forced to give up a weeknight to wait tables and it made me rage hate v-day more than i normally do.  this year, v-day lands on a friday, which for all intents and purposes shouldn't make me so hateful.  but it does.  because a normal busy friday night is filled with parties and large bills and bigger tips.  but tonight it will be filled with two-tops (tables of two for those of you not in the biz) and the whole night will just be me and my fellow co-horts getting deuced to death with tabs no more than fifty doll hairs.
and the worst thing is that i can't go home after my shift and drink till i can't feel feelings and binge eat cheese fries.  instead i'll just eat steamed green beans and chug water till i "break the seal" and start going to the bathroom every five minutes and then in my mind i'll pretend i'm drunk and then i'll go in search of my mood health pills, take some, and pass out with robin hood: men in tights on in the background.
and that, ladies and gentleman, is how you do a sober, on-a-diet v-day.
p.s. i'm toying around with the idea of printing these out and casually handing them out to all the skanks tonight.

also this song.

on repeat.  with whit.

dixie chickens & tennessee lambs

i don't mean to toot my own horn or anything but today marks the fifth time this week that i've posted something.  as in - each day of the working week.  as in something that's unheard of round these parts because i'm a lazy, unmotivated piece of shit (on a good day).  
that being said i thought i would keep you kids apprised of the goings on here in wisconsin. it's still cold.  like frigidly so.  which is cool.

that's the lake shitler and i live on.  don't let the sky fool you.  it's cold as shit and i want to do nothing that involves me leaving the cocoon of blankets i create for myself on the daily.

i'm not even ashamed to admit that i'm possibly more excited for the announcement and ticket sale of the dave matthews band tour than i am for my own wedding.  but it's been two years since shitler and i went to one of the concerts and it makes my soul unhappy.  so naturally the best wedding gift ever on the face of the planet is someone telling you that that's what they're buying you.  perhaps shitler can get nice and close and he can get another shot like this.

i don't have much else to mention.

except i could eat an entire jar of jalapenos in a sitting.

i feel like that creature from LotR when i get my paws on a jar because i'm all:

sidenote - is anyone else obsessed with that goddamn jason derulo song "talk dirty?"

because i am and i often put it on repeat and then feel incredible shame for loving it.

but the 2 chainz part?  that shit is my jam and i just belt it out for all to hear.

especially this part:

so naturally here's the song.  because i'm terribly addicted.

also the link up with whit.

something to add to shitler's resume

FIRST - the blog got a makeover.  she deserved it.  she puts up with so much of my bullshit that every now and then she needs some pampering.  natalie from revel & design has some of the loveliest templates around and she did the damn thing for me and now the blog is
B-E-A-UTIFUL.  now that she wasn't before.  but you get it.
so anyway.  i have a semi-long thing to explain to you to get you to an exciting reveal. just hunker down and enjoy it.  or else.
so i don't know how people who don't have the average 9-5 jobs do it. like i know that's a kind of an insane thing to say because people are always like "ZOMG i wish i didn't have a 9-5 job" but your 9-5 enables you to know that you're getting a set paycheck on whatever pay schedule you're on.  i have to give major ups to people that are able to function with serving jobs or other jobs that don't guarantee a set amount of money at any given time.  i would lose my ever-loving shit having to constantly worry about how much i was or wasn't going to get the next time i worked.
which leads me to my point.  and there is one and it's not all that important. because shitler is a sub-contractor or a contractor or something like that.  back in the day he worked for a small home building company and then made the jump to flipping houses with a friend of his.  the agreement was that shitler would be paid a certain amount of money twice a month and once a house sold he would get a bonus (which hallelujah for the bonuses because they paid for a majority of our mexican wedding).  BUT the deal existed based on whether or not shitler was working on a house.  so for the last two months there have been no houses.  so there has been no money.  and shitler has filled his schedule with side jobs and whatnot in order to offset the fact that the set amount of money that we're used to having come in isn't coming in.  which blows.  so it's been touch and go on what amounts of money we have which forces me to have to actually work my scheduled shifts at the restaurant which i routinely try to get out of because of my inherent laziness.
so to make a long story short shitler called me the other day to let me know that the condo deal they were looking into is actually going to be a reality.  which means a two year commitment for shitler which means two years of knowing exactly how much money we will have coming in which is an overall win.  but it gets better.  because shitler is expected to do everything that needs to be done.  so over-hauling units, fixing odds and ends, etc.  and apparently there's some law in wisconsin that reads along the lines of if there's a public pool accessible to people that there needs to be a person that is certified, on hand, to take care of.  which means that that person would be shitler.  which means he would have to take a course and become certified in pool things.  which means, wait for it, THAT SHITLER WILL BE A POOL BOY.
i am legit dying over this.  like loving every minute.  like already shopping for speedos because i'm convinced that that's the official attire of any and all pool boys.  and shitler is all "i think you're confusing me cabana boy" and i'm like "WHATEVER THEY'RE ONE IN THE SAME.  WHAT COLOR SPEEDO DO YOU PREFER?"  
so really you guys.  this is the best news ever. because everyone wins because how would condo owners not want to see some hairy beast shocking their pool in a brightly colored speedo?
so his hairiness will look something like this but instead of those shorts he'll be donning a speedo.   preferably something obnoxious.  just like him.

and also if you need me i'll be belting out this song on repeat in my office cube because i can't stop and i won't stop.  whitney gets it.  the can't stopping and the won't stopping mainly.  probably also the elton.

a jumbled assortment

so last night i had the intention of writing something more awesome than normal.  but then i drank 1.75 bottles of wine, bought some party lite (because i had rewards that were going to expire so duh), and then passed out.  i may have also complained that i wasn't even feeling drunk after said 1.75 bottles of wine but i was drunk-ish enough to apparently put my check card someplace "safe" and then had a full-blown panic attack when i couldn't find it this morning.  how i think any place other than my wallet is a safe place for my check card is beyond me. so what i have for you today is a collection of random things from the past two weeks. i'm sorry in advance.

1// i'm not sure why i'm surprised each and every year when the temperature dips down below frigid.  i mean - it's wisconsin - land of the frozen tundra and whatnot.  but it has been like really, really super cold.  like zero fucking degrees.  like so cold that when you go outside it hurts to breath.  and also so cold that deadly icicles form outside the door and if you like don't hear from me suddenly please direct shitler to the icicle as the thing that murdered me.

2// mornings when i'm not hungover make me feel like that t-rex.  like back the fuck up world because i'm here to fuck shit up.  the other night (wednesday) i decided to drink boxed wine and i was misled because the box is deceiving and you don't know how much you're actually drinking and i over-served myself and then i got irrationally upset with shitler because he wouldn't take me to taco bell to get a taco when in reality i didn't even want a taco but apparently IT WAS THE PRINCIPLE.  so sorry shitler.  let's have tacos this weekend.

3// so my dad is on facebook.  and apparently likes boobs.  i just wasn't prepared to see that pop up in my facebook feed.  and in his defense front row amy is like a milwaukee brewers fixture so i'll let this slide this time GARY.  but i swear to god if he starts liking "big booty hoes" or some shit then i'm quitting facebook.

4// mac dizzle using his toy as a pillow.  what a doofus.  and really he only does that so murphy lee can't have it.  as dog parents we really failed at instilling "sharing is caring" to the boys.  we should probably start praying for whatever future spawn might come our way because they're screwed.

5// i fought snapchat for so long.  and i don't know why.  because i have one friend that sends the best snap chats with carefully drawn dicks and they make my whole entire world complete.  i like that he incorporated such a large penis in this picture of a wedding i was in.  i think it makes it more magical.  maybe the bride and groom want a copy of this one?

and DUH it's time for whitney.  and also jagged edge.  because how did i even forget about jagged edge?

legally getting beat up black out drunk

just thinking about my twenty-first birthday makes me want to dry heave. i'm not sure how it works in other states but those here in wisconsin we celebrate at the moment the clock strikes midnight.  and naturally there's a shitload of pre-gaming prior to the turn of the clock as well.
so let's get to it.
the day was may 26th - seven years ago (sweet lord am i old) and friends from near and far came to celebrate (really it was just like three people and one was from my hometown and the other two were from college in minnesota so not really that far).
so the pre-gaming. here they are, off to a good start, with shannon spilling on herself.   obvious indication that it's probably going to be a good night.

and naturally it's a family affair because shitler's idea of a good twenty-first birthday gift was a six shooter spinny thing that you could put all sorts of different kinds of booze in and of course shannon's dad and uncle lance had to test drive it (god does shannon want to hurl just thinking about it).

now shots and posing for pictures was clearly the thing to do.

and it was at this point in shannon's drinking career that it was clear she hadn't like all the way learned the concept that "it's a marathon, not a sprint."

as the clock struck midnight and the day officially turned to may twenty-seventh shannon and her cronies departed to the super classy establishment called sharkey's.  it was here that it was discovered that shannon was easily the most excited person on the planet to get her ID checked.  like ever in the history of the world.

nothing outrageously out of the ordinary happened.

just good old fashioned getting wasted on your twenty-first mainly.  

and naturally since shannon went out at midnight like she was part of some sort of cast of the jersey shore she naturally had to cram all of her drinking into a short two-and-half-hours which led to things looking like this.

fun fact: all of shannon's skanky friends got to sleep off the hangover while a probably still drunk shannon had to pull herself out of bed after three hours of sleep to work a shift at the cemetary since memorial day weekend is a big time for cemeteries.

even funner fact: note that shitler is in none of the pictures.  it's because shitler was on his way back from illinois and told shannon not to get too drunk so that he could see her but she paid him no mind, got beat up black out drunk and was taken home before she was even able to see him.  good job, shannon.

i feel like i have a residual hang over just re-living that fucking shit show.

my poor liver.

dear tom brady

dear tom brady, fuck you.  no really.  i stood a fighting chance had you simply decided to be a bit more present in yesterday's game.  instead you did nothing but get me negative points and cause me to internally rage.  i know you have a lot going on in your life.  i can only imagine your love of gisele, ugg boots, your children, and now apparently turtlenecks can be overwhelming and hard to juggle but i'm going to need you to do your job.  and that job is throwing mother f'ing touchdowns and getting me monster fantasy points.

via

you're stuck with me tom.  so i'm going to need you to nut the fuck up for next week's game because week five was just garbage.  are we clear, tom? shit like this will simply not do.

god it just makes my brain explode TOM BRADY.  does it make your brain explode?  i sure hope so because that was quite the poor showing.  you get paid an annoying amount of money to do one thing - THROW TOUCHDOWNS.  so get it together and do so.  please and thank you.

sincerely,

shannon aka one seriously pissed off fantasy owner

p.s. you better hope my kicker gets like 45 points tonight tom brady.  or else.

anyway.  now that that's out of the way.  tom brady just takes me to a level that i don't like to stoop to but it was necessary.  he's not going to get that tough love anywhere else but right here.  so he should really thank me.

with like a check.  for a lot of money.

how are all of you kids doing?

super i hope.

aside from the train wreck that was tom brady yesterday my weekend wasn't altogether that terrible.

i read a book.  mindy kaling's book actually.  she has a really great section on "best friend rights and responsibilities" that is truly a must-read.  this is the best quote about best friends.  ever.

then the packers won (even better because they beat the lions).  and i got to play with a kitten.

and the tom brady bullshit aside if every weekend included the packers winning and just a bunch of kittens i think i would be the happiest person alive.  

like in the history of the universe.

but that's it.  that's all i did. AREN'T YOU JEALOUS. whatever.  it's sami time.