I'd Be a Terrible Fucking Doctor

there's a litany of reasons why i'm not a doctor.  overall laziness probably being the top reason.  but i would go with bad decision making as a close second.  even worse - decision making under pressure.  or self-diagnosing and self-medicating.


case in point - when b suggested that i add dayquil to my wine.  i immediately thought {2 BIRDS!} and began the creation process.







and in case you're wondering - it's fucking terrible.  syrupy, like when you put your vodka in the freezer and then pull it out because you want to take a shot but you can barely choke it down because the freezing temperature has made it disgusting.  ack.

but here's my problem.  i love deals.  who doesn't?  you're probably thinking - what's the problem...a deal?  there's no problem with a deal.  well yes there is.

case in point.  dinner with shitler.  at a local watering hole we discovered that they have $1 tacos.  so having been battling this motherfucker of a cold all week i wholeheartedly agree and thought i deserved a goddamn taco (and also because i physically cannot refuse a taco). 

but i was good.  i had water and two tacos.  until the bastard of a bartender informs us that on thursdays from 7-12, ladies drink taps and rails for $6.  all fucking bets were off after that.  the bartender was all "if you only have two it practically pays for itself."  and i was all, "fuck you, i'm going to have enough to make them 50 cent drinks.  keep 'em coming!"

[caption id="attachment_1551" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="i'm on the right. obviously. just call me robin williams."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1552" align="aligncenter" width="224" caption="so. many. limes."][/caption]

so whatever.  i'm weak.  and still sick.  sicker than usual.

and it's taken me like three hours to compile this.  because gnoemo and juliet is on and it might be the most adorable thing i have ever seen.

Because I Like to Lick Him?

i forgot about this picture:



chances are we were hammered.

Instead of Blood - Snot Runs Through My Veins

i slumbered from 8pm last night to about 6:20am this morning.  i don't think i woke up once.  or maybe i did slightly when lincoln came to bed and tried to get me to stop sleeping like a starfish.

this morning there was a struggle to open my eyes due to the fact that they were crusted fucking shut.  then all i could think about was how maybe, when i was starfish sleeping with my mouth hanging open, that all the snot/boogers that were in my nose area slowly made their way down/up to my eyes and the crusted nonsense was really my eyes leaking the boogers from my nose.  i think it's very possible.  and also gross.

also - i learned 51 new christian friendly ways to refer to my vagina.
thank you foy.  
so in the spirit of vaginas i thought i would share that my blood sewer (#36) is at it again.  so i had to bring these:



i also had a bunch of shit to bring to work with me today so i crammed a bunch of it into the tampon box and pretended it was another purse.

[caption id="attachment_1516" align="aligncenter" width="224" caption="yes, that's cheese."][/caption]

here's the link for christian terms for vagina.  my personal favorites are 9, 12, 20, 36, 43, or 45 or bullet wound, harpy nest, frothy creek, blood sewer, rank weasel, or front business.

also - this makes me smile.
but seriously - stop the abuse.

A Horse May Have Kicked Me In The Face

at least that's what it feels like.

i tried self-medicating on saturday  night:



except all i got out of that was a hangover.  and then i crammed pickles and peppers down my gullet and felt supremely bloated for the majority sunday.  



and then bubba watson won the masters.
which was annoying. 

so today i'm going back to the tried and true methods.  quil's of both night and day.  

[caption id="attachment_1506" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="yes, generic. because i'm cheap."][/caption]

my body can't handle sneezing 37 times in a row again.
and my nose can't handle all the kleenex - even though they are packed with aloe.




and i can't handle my red, splotchy face that feels reminiscent of a chipmunk.

it's about time for another shot of medicine.   and then some leftover jesus ham.
catch you on the flip.

Throbbing. And Not In The Good Way.

update: remember when i cut myself on the sink?

well, great news.  i dug glass out of the sink the other day - so i don't feel quite so stupid.

but this morning is another story.  

there's nothing better than being woken up due to the fact that you have somehow thrashed in your sleep and cracked the back of your skull on the corner of your bedside table.  

even better?  
it hurts so bad that you start sleepily crying and then your significant other blindly extends his hand and pats you on the head (where it happens to fucking hurt) and slurs ok, "y'ok?"  and then rolls back over.  thank you shitler, thank you.

then, you're so delirious from sleep and pain that you convince yourself that you probably have a concussion and you've seen way too many movies and decide that there's no way you should go back to sleep because if you do - you'll probably die.  but you do fall back asleep, for like fifteen minutes.  and when you wake up, you somehow have a cold.  and a massive headache due to the blunt force trauma to your head.  so your morning consists of this:



and then you discover, upon attempting to brush your teeth, that your dog has done this:

[caption id="attachment_1490" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="it's like a fucking shiv."][/caption]

and the drive to work is painful, because you're convinced that the sun is trying to kill you and you have to wear two sets of sunglasses to just to make the trek somewhat tolerable.  but then you're at work.  and everyone is loud.  and your head throbs.  and then you realize it's good friday.  the day people acknowledge that jesus was crucified and died on the cross.  and you kind of wish that you were dead.  but you're not.  you're just quietly suffering.  until you find these pictures:







but then you realize it's only noon.  and you have ten to twelve hours worth of work left.

happy good friday assholes.

Desert Storm Alice is My Favorite

my week has consisted of getting drunk, eating cupcakes, and watching the resident evil movies.  

and it has by far, been one of the best weeks ever.

drunk photo booth pictures abound.obviously.
some of shitler's college cronies and family:







------

my obsession, albeit late, with the resident evil movies began at the tamez household where the fourth one was on.  it's probably not the best place to start but it piqued my interest and now all i want to do is watch these movies on a constant fucking loop (big ups to b for letting me have these for awhile).



i've learned a few things from these movies:

1. i dislike michelle rodriguez in every single movie she does.
2. i'm completely unprepared for a zombie apocalypse.
3. zombies, although annoying, are quite determined and goal-oriented.
4. milla jovovich has forced me to question my sexuality.
5. i must stay constantly vigilant. 

so i pose this question to you - which is your favorite alice?

[caption id="attachment_1474" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="these boots go with everything alice"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1475" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="mesh is practical alice"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1476" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="desert storm alice"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1477" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="i got all my sisters with me alice"][/caption]

please vote below:

[polldaddy poll=6096559]