an ode to a best friend

YOU GUYS. today isn't just halloween.  today is the day that the most magical person in all the land was born. nikkipants.
i remember the day we met like it was yesterday (when in reality it was ten years ago - an actual decade ago).  it was the first day of college and like any respectable college student you got so drunk that you puked all over your roommate's brand new college stuff.  like the roommate that you just me that day (that roommate wasn't me).
but like a good neighbor - shannon was there.  to clean up your puke mess and to assure you that you didn't make that terrible mistake that you feared you would make.  that you would be the silly college freshman that got too drunk on their first night of college like an amateur (but you did).  and it was at that moment that the magic happened.  that we just clicked and like step brothers (even though it was before its time) it was like "did we just become best friends?"  because we did.  and although we weren't roommates that freshman year - it was from then on out that we basically were.  because if we weren't playing donkey kong, eating beef jerky, and skipping professor green's class in my room we were doing that exact same thing in your room.
remember that time you came to alpine valley for a dave matthews concert and you accidentally backed up into the hot grill and got third degree burns and still have the scars on the back of your legs to prove it?  i do.
remember hippie amanda?  i do.  

remember the pepto bismol pants?  i do.  remember when i yelled at cait because she treated you like shit and i was sick of it?  i do.  remember when we went to las vegas and i got drunk and got into an argument but for the life of us when we try to remember what we fought about we can't remember?  i do - kind of.  

remember how people used to call you, me, and shitler the tri-pod?  i do.  remember how the first time you met shitler all the two of you did was raz each other about college football and then we all got drunk on jell-o shots and then you two committed a b&e (breaking and entering) and brought back random foodstuffs from our dorm neighbors?  i do.

remember how for halloween we never dressed slutty because it was cold out but that one time we looked real slutty for that party in november? i do (and it still makes no sense).

remember when we would drive the seven hours from minneapolis to chicago for the weekend when you had class and a test on sunday and i would have to frantically drive and you would have to study frantically ?  i do.

remember that time we got drunk and took the light rail downtown to the bars?
and then the light rail cop gave you a taser?  i do (and it still blows my mind).

mainly do you know how much i love you?  because it's a lot. happy birthday.

my best friend got married and she's stupid pretty

somehow a wedding that wasn't even mine broke me. a five hour drive on thursday morning to minnesota, four hours of making like ten gallons of gazpacho, then two hours of making too much chicken salad, and then a delicious wedding, and then a giant party, followed by another five hour trip home to wisconsin in like a span of three-and-a-half days will do that to a person. i have to admit that it's pretty nice to have a best friend that just gets everything about you and you just love everything about them in return.  and even though you live in different states there's no other person in the world that you would drop everything for in a heartbeat.  and it's even nicer when that best friend fits in perfectly with you and your fiance and people used to refer to the three of you as "the tripod" and even nicer when that best friends finds a person that is so fantastic for her and she gets to spend the rest of her life with that person. i will admit that what i don't like about that best friend is that she's tall, and skinny, and pretty. and also in her wedding photos she looks like goddamn audrey hepburn.  bitch. here's a lot of photos.

that's a wrap kids. linking up with sami to do the damn thing.

'tis the season for shitler to be gone every weekend and for me to love my couch more than i already do.

so winter in casa de shitler means all i hear about is ice fishing 
and ice drinking and snow mobiles and beer and bullshit.

BUT this season also usually means shitler is out of my hair like 
all damn weekend doing all of the above.  so that's a plus.

but anyway here's a weekend recap.
it's ok if you don't care.
because i don't really care either.

spoiler alert - it was cold out.

baby b - raging on the ice with that concerned face

triple biffles.

introducing these guys.  long time readers, real time friends.

clean your damn dirty hole

such a damn weirdo

sidenote.  i was sick this weekend.
like explosively so - if you know what i mean.

also - who has a radio show?
because i really want to call it and be all:
"long time listener, first time caller."

High Five 4 Friday

if i had a horse i would name it "friday" and ride it all the time.
i guess that doesn't make much sense.  except that i was thinking about the adams family movie and the character wednesday and i guess i don't understand how the rest of the days of the week never really took off as names for weird children.
but that's neither here nor there.  but what is here is the link up with lauren at from my grey desk.

1. i got new shoes this week.  and they double as both footwear and also weapons because of the spikes.

2. this calamari.  i don't get it.  you're squid but you deep fried in the shape of an elephant.  

make up your damn mind.

3. shitler got a new gun.  and it's basically all he fucking talks about.  

and then the other day we had this conversation:

shitler: i just really want to kill something.

me: uh, don't go around saying that out loud.

4. totally ordered stickers of all my instagram photos through printstagram.

i'm stoked.

5. we went to dinner with friends for their son's birthday this week.  

and there's honestly never a dull moment.  

shitler and the birthday boy played the states game in the backseat after dubbing it the handjob area.  if anyone is interested in how to play the state game you do the following:

place your hand on the knee of the person you're playing with.  think of a state.  every time they're wrong; slide your hand closer to their crotch area.  needless to say, shitler guessed mississippi every time.  typical.

not to mention that dinner got interesting when this conversation was had:

foy: everyone - shannon got a reverse brazilian today at our crotch waxing appointment.

shitler: seriously?

me: no, it's all gone.

foy: what?  you get all of it waxed?

me: ya, why would you bother to leave anything?

foy: i need to have the landing strip.  otherwise pat (her husband) doesn't know his way around.

shit plant

back in high school i worked at the waste water treatment plant for a summer (and like one winter season).

in layman's terms - a shit plant. 

apparently the issue with my hometown is the hills.  so in order to get rid of the poop it had to be pumped from homes to various stations around town and then from the stations giant shit trucks would pick up the shit and bring it to the shit plant.  

i swear i'm not making this up.

it was a bad ass job.  because it consisted mainly of cutting grass, getting tan, and taking naps.  and the people i worked with were basically the best ever.

we called ourselves the general and his wet ones - being that it was just one dude surrounded by three chicks on a daily basis.

everyone got along famously and we spent our time getting into all sorts of mischief while we weren't working.  they included, but weren't limited to:

1. during winter shifts - not working till the sun came up.  then by the time the sun came up it was time for break.  then we took post-break breaks.
2. cultivating the name "the BK Broiler" for our manger.
3. posting pictures of high school girls in BK's office.
4. guessing what BK had for lunch every day.
5. skiing on the gravel while we held onto the back of the cushman.
6. looking for the three legged deer.
7. dumpster diving at the incinerator on thursdays after dump day on wednesday.
8. sitting in the BK's office listening to steve czaban until we were told to get to work.
9. sitting in the truck talking about dicks while it rained.
10. learning about n.a.r.b.s. - which for those that don't know stands for "no apparent reason boner."
11. driving in a continuous loop around the plant in an effort to look busy.
12. walking to the garage at 6AM while drinking coffee and watching gary laugh manically while spraying the hose by the septic tank drop off.
13. smelling the septic tank drop off.
14. giving people tours of the preliminary treatment building (the smell, the dumpster full of rice and corn, and the mechanical asshole).
15. having contests to see who could go the longest without working.  record was 40 hours - FYI.
16. spraying a 6 foot tall pricker weed with an entire canister of weed killer and then driving by it on a daily basis and giving it the middle finger till it eventually keeled over and died.
17. arguing over who go to cut the best stations outside of the plant so we could nap uninterrupted by management.

18. taking extended lunch breaks so that we could make it to the gyro place and back.
19. sitting four deep in the front of a pick up truck while one person drove, two people sat in the middle doing nothing, and shot gun doing a drive by "spreading of grass seed."
20. the director of the plant telling us to spread dirt and then catching us in the sludge building dumping it out.  when he asked us what we were doing we responded with "we're not doing this anymore."

there were special days where we did arts and crafts and decorated the general's work gloves.

and sometimes we just stood around fucking grabbing our crotches and acting gangster.

i'm actually not quite sure where i was going with this post.
reminiscing about the good old days, perhaps?  
the days where i could literally do next to nothing for an entire work day and get away with it?  
or the days where i could do the most ridiculous, meaningless shit and also get away with it?

did you  have a bad ass summer job?  

do you wish you could go back?

oh well.  
you can't.
being a grown up sucks.

Coffee Talk Installment 1

i enjoy link ups and natalie.  so when she emailed me to tell me about her new link up she was starting i thought "why the fuck not?"  so the point is to answer the five questions that nat asks every week and then go ahead and link up to her each thursday.

here are her five question for this week.

1. it's finally fall!!  what are you looking forward to this year?
this.  all day sunday.  quad box in my face.

2. what fall item is in your closet that you can't wait to pull out?

ha, the question asks what i want to pull out.  i can't help but laugh.  but in all seriousness.  sweatshirts.  and giant, baggy sweaters.  anything i can drown in.

3. since halloween is is the first holiday to be celebrated, we all get treated to a horror movie marathon all month long...what is your favorite scary movie to watch?

the original nightmare on elm street, for sure.  amityville horror with ryan reynolds.  i'd let him axe-murder me; he's that damn hot.  and it might not a horror movie - but i'll take sjp as a deranged witch any day in hocus pocus.

4. what is your favorite fall treat (recipes welcome)?

toasted pumpkin seeds; all day, everyday.  plus, you can never go wrong with chili and i will have to give big ups to shitler since makes a mean beef stew.

5. Now that summer is finally over, what will you miss most about it?

definitely not being able to just float on the lake with a cocktail.  there's nothing better.  i'd also have to say that being back at the part-time job isn't all that exciting.  and general lounging out on the porch with pals (at home or the bar).

so there ya'll have it.  the first installment of coffee talk.  if you feel so inclined you should go and do likewise.

Monday Murdered The Weekend. Like Always.

quick weekend recap.
few words.
more pictures.

So Maybe We Could Band Together To Fight Crime. And By Crime I Mean The Fat In My Ass

so remember that one time i worked out all the time?

or that other time where i ate super healthy?

OR that insane time that i stopped drinking?

oh, and remember when i put them all together and did that crazy thing where i tried to basically live a not-so-toxic life?

well i fell off the wagon.  because now my life revolves around stuff like this:

 

   

drippy, ecto cooloer looking motherfucker

so i should probably do something about it.

and i should probably stop polishing off jars of pickles in my friend's homes.

and maybe i should stop laying on the couch so much.
or eating 6 bomb pops in one sitting.
or thinking that i should use that terrible sugary lemonade from the local gas station as vodka mixer.
OR day-dreaming about carbs and starch all day.

i guess what i'm saying is that i need to stop being such a damn pile of garbage.

so here goes nothing.again.

PS. i thought this was funny.  but instead of water - maybe it's vodka (which is the very thing that isn't helping my fat ass).