Textual Feeling: I Wish Vodka Was My Sponsor

here's my problem.  i'm generally a very lazy person (just ask shitler).  my laziness includes cleaning, laundry, being productive and also caring about arguments or other people's opinions.  

this post started out being about some knobs on facebook that pissed me off last night.  but then my hangover and laziness (see, i told you) got the better of me

here's the link in case you actually want to read it the article that they posted and then insulted my state with.

but more importantly - my day can be summed up in three pictures:

[caption id="attachment_1460" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="god i love pickles."][/caption]

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me:  i don't want to work ever again.  i just want to blog all day.

b: i could read your blog all day then.  what a team.

me: we'd both be living the dream.

b: yep, while being judged by shitler.

me: we'd have vodka.  so we'd be good.

b: what a stellar business plan you've come up with.

me: there won't be many expenses.  just vodka and food.

b: exactly.  very little overhead.  we could survive on vodka and pizza rolls.

so in all seriousness, if you're vodka, call me.

also, i forgot about my finger and ran my fingers through my hair.  which resulted in getting strands of hair caught in the flap of skin that's hanging loose from my finger.

and now i have blood in my hair.

Let The Cocks Abound.

first things first.
i've decided to start working with one ear bud in and my music blasting.  it's been the only thing to keep me sane all day and drowns out most of what i can't handle hearing on a daily basis (which is everything).
secondly, i've thought about work related things about 1% today.  the other 99% has been about the only thing that matters for the next four weeks.  MARCH MOTHERFUCKING MADNESS.  seriously.  i can't wait to get the fuck out of work and go to the bar to watch the games.  it will be grand.
in the meantime - the bloggess, bless her kind soul, posted this gem today so i've been printing, laminating, and creating puppets for the majority of my day.
it's all fun and games until someone gets a cock in their cube:

also - i haven't made a puppet yet.  i have the means.  but that entails eating dilly bars from dq and i'm so full i could puke from the chicken salad sandwich i horked down for lunch.  so instead, i've been peer pressuring my co-workers into eating them and then stealing the popsicle sticks for my own selfish purposes.

and when i went to investigate the dilly bar situation i forgot i bought this yesterday at 7AM:

 

soon my little cock friends...very soon you will have dirty popsicle sticks shoved where i imagine your butthold would be:

Steve Jobs Ruined My Life

so i recently got an iPhone and it was absolutely the best thing that's ever happened to me (and I don't care what the judgy fucks say about how I should have waited for the new one to come out.  step.off.).

i named her lola and filled her with all sorts of apps:

• tiny tower (an absolute must for all iPhone owners)
• pinterest (i get nothing done)
• the obligatory social media apps (facebook, twitter, etc.)
• rotowire (thanks b - so i can keep up with all the fucking injuries my fantasy team is plagued with)
• stickies

i downloaded this stickies thing last night and it's basically post-it notes for your phone.  do i showed shitler what reminder i needed:

he called me an idiot.

but in my defense, he hates when i dick tap him.  but i really enjoy it.  he gets uncomfortable and squirmy and his reactions are even better when i dick tap in public.but sometimes i forget how much i like to do it - so i added it to my stickies and set an alarm as a reminder.  it'll be different everyday so he'll never see it coming.but my stickies board looked barren and boring so i explored and discovered you can use colored stickies and different shaped stickies.   so i updated my stickies board:

All The Single Ladies

so i thought i would share a little about shitler and his obsession with all things fantasy football.  last season it annoyed the shit out of me, considering that's all he ever talked about and you could gauge his mood at any given time on whether his team was winning or losing. 

but this season, i got sucked in.  and now i'm just as big of loser and i'm almost positive some of my friends would rather not talk to me then hear me rant about how michael vick is fucking me (which should probably be saved for a completely different post).
anyway, i discovered over the weekend that shitler accepted a bet (it's like he can't not accept it) from the commissioner of one of the four different leagues he's in (he's definitely the bigger loser out of the two of us).
the bet: the loser this week has to do beyonce's "all the single ladies" dance, tape it, and post it for all the world to see. 

I.  CAN'T. WAIT. 

i've never wanted shitler to lose more.  i offered to, of course, style and shoot the video but he just got nasty and told me to go fuck myself.  that's fine - i don't like to loser either.  and I especially don't like that goddamn song.  but i will love the shit out of that song when shitler is dancing around to it.

below are a few pictures from sunday football:

i won't know the outcome of this epic battle until after tonight's game but i certainly hope it's a nail-biter and i certainly hope shitler loses.