Textual Feeling: B Gets The Runs

b: you eat nothing but salads, you get constipated.  i eat nothing but salads, i can't keep anything in.  what the fuck?

me: serves you right.  enjoy the runs.

b: hey, fuck you.  i've been nothing but sympathetic towards you since you began your whole diet experience.  besides, i just wanted to keep you in the loop.

me: keep me in the loop?  with your poop?  that rhymes.  i'm hilarious.

b: you're something allright.  not quite sure if hilarious is the right word though.

me: hysterical, perhaps?

b: you are thinking on the wrong end of the spectrum, my dear.  start heading more towards evil wench.

me: i'd prefer evil witch.

b: wench is more accurate.

me: why can't i be a witch?

b: because witches aren't as whorish.

me: what about sarah jessica parker from hocus pocus?  she was a slut.

b: she's not real.

me: you're a real downer.

b: just trying to bring you down to where you bring me.

me: if you're trying to make me feel bad about myself it's not working.  mainly because i've been thinking about otters all day.

b: i would never try to make you feel bad about yourself.  i feel bad enough about you for the both of us.

me: when you're ready to play nice we can continue this conversation.  in the meantime - enjoy this picture:

[caption id="attachment_715" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="i realize this otter is a repeat, but it's delicious. and it's trick or treating."][/caption]

 

Textual Feeling: C is Not For Cookie, it's For Constipation

i like to keep B in the loop when weird things are happening to me.

me: this diet has made me constipated.

B: i could have told you that would happen.

me: it's ok though.  i'm drinking some sort of all-natural laxative tea.  it's called Smooth Move.

B: fitting.

me: i thought so.

but seriously, i was constipated.  until the tea fixed everything.  it tasted delicious too.  now i feel like i could take on the world.

this isn't a plug or anything.  i just thought those in similar situations to mine could utilize the shit tea.

[caption id="attachment_490" align="aligncenter" width="226" caption="the shit tea in all its glory"][/caption]

i also looked up the website for it.  and there's a video.  and the doctor that's always on Oprah is talking about it.  so you know it has to be legit.  but i didn't watch the video, so there's a 50% chance that doctor is telling the world the shit tea could kill you.  but then i doubt the shit tea people would put that video on their website.

whatever.