dogs vs. assholes

how does that saying go? the one about your dog and being a person or something?

there.

that one.

it's weird.

as time goes by and things and people change you can't help but wonder if things were always a certain way or if it's just now that you're starting to notice it?

because it's not just about being the kind of person your dog thinks you are.

sometimes it's about wishing the people you surround yourself with are more like your dogs.

because really dogs are just super excited to see you.  and they want you to spoon them and give them treats and more snuggles and then also throw their sticks for them.  and isn't that basically what we all want out of life (minus the stick throwing; or not - depending on what you're into).  

sometimes shitler gives me a hard time because my favorite thing in the whole world is doing nothing by myself (and by extension my dogs because hello they love me).  but let's be honest - it's because my dogs don't make rude comments about my appearance or behaviors.  frankly if i'm suffering through a particularly bad hangover - mac just licks my face and lays next to me rather than judging and ridiculing me for my poor decision making the night before.  neither dog makes any off color comments about whether it looks like i've packed on a few pounds (they might be thinking it but thankfully they can't verbalize it and really they would just want to go for a walk for their own selfish reasons rather than thinking i needed to shed some LBs).  they don't rip on me for what i enjoy doing or whether or not i'm making the right life choices (at least what others deem are the right life choices).

it's a weird thing.  

it's weird because it's easy for me to champion other people.  and to be upset when others are treated like total shit.  but, i've found, that when it comes to me it's easier to just internalize it and then ruminate on it for weeks on end until i finally get over it and move on.  because really i just try to treat people the way that i would want to be treated.  and i don't think others would like to be told things that are intentionally hurtful.  so truly it's just confusing; that some people enjoy saying things about other individuals that they wouldn't want to hear about themselves.

i don't really have any way to wrap this up.

i like my dogs.  they're not assholes.

maybe that's the moral of the story.  don't be a fucking asshole.

the more you know

you know what's mind blowing? that people do shitty things.
BUT THEN you feel like the joke is on you because the world is filled with terribly, awful people and then you can't help but feel like the idiot considering it's something that you probably should have expected because duh people are monsters.
how is it that people don't live by the golden rule?  it seems so simple.  if there's something that i wouldn't want done to me, then i'm certainly not going to do it to someone else (ray rice - this applies to you and also AP - you fucks).  
and it's not that i necessarily have low standards when it comes to friendships, but that my requirements are basic at best.
don't steal from me. don't be a cunt to me. don't lie to me. do drink wine with me.
those seem easy enough to abide by, right? YOU WOULD THINK SO. except then people that you thought were your friends go ahead and commit thievery and/or ruin your bachelorette party (yes that was like six months ago but i'm still salty over it because i didn't get to go to the strip club).  
so the moral of the story is "trust no one, question everything." and now i'm going to google pictures of cats hugging each other. it's the only constant good thing in my life (see also: yes i know that's dramatic).

p.s. i'm aware that it's not two cats.  but they're wearing clothes and they're snuggling and it makes me feel better about life.

cute.

i think i'm a girl with jumbled priorities.
and by jumbled i mean abnormal.  but i think in the best possible way.
like the other day i was attempting to do blog-related things when i got distracted by a commercial on tv that mentioned something about trans-vaginal mesh.  and then i spent an hour googling trans-vaginal mesh related things and forgot about the blog things i had set out to do.
or when the movie honey came on tv and i literally dropped everything i was attempting to do (like laundry and dishes) and became 100% totally engrossed in it.  which is embarrassing because a toddler could probably follow the plot line with no problem.  HIP HOP AT THE CENTA.
or that i bought a second wedding dress the other day.  priorities people.
which got me to thinking about weddings/marriage/ridiculous people. one of my favorite people in the whole entire world, wendalyn lou, oftentimes tells me she doesn't understand how people like me since i'm usually such a giant bitch (and i took some liberties with her statement and she means it in the nicest way like ever).  and i have to admit that i just don't care.  like about anything.  
you don't like me?  i'll live and continue to sleep soundly at night. if you expect me to operate based on what society deems to be appropriate then your expectations of me will surely fall short. i've never been one to let other people's expectations dictate the way my life is going to pan out. marriage?  eh - if it happens it happens.  and if it doesn't then that's ok too. babies?  terrifying but if shitler knocks me up at some point then i guess i'll be a mom. and i guess what i'm trying to get at is the women that say they've been planning their wedding since they were a little girl?  why?  go the fuck outside because it's time to play ghost in the motherfucking graveyard not decide on color schemes and look at swatches.

because you know what's cute?  girls pitching fits that a man hasn't put a ring on it yet.  i bet you a million dollars your boyfriend has never been less attracted to you then when you're throwing a fit about not being engaged.

even cuter?  girls that give men ultimatums.  because nothing would make me feel better about that ring finger being frosted then knowing that it got there because i pressured the shit out of a dude and he didn't actually want to marry me of his own accord.
i guess i've seen and experienced too much of that type of thing with women around me and it makes my brain want to explode.  like weird chicks that i went to college with and happened to have a boyfriend when they graduated went and immediately got married.  like it was the next logical life step instead of making sure that it was happening because of the right reasons.  same thing with babies.  or certain women that think it's necessary to make getting to the altar a competition.  and trust me - they truly do exist and it's not cute.  plenty of people in my life got engaged and married before shitler and i did and those same people had been together a lot less time than we even were.  and you know what's normal?  to get pumped that there's an upcoming wedding to get beat up drunk at.
so basically the moral of the story is that women should stop caring so much. the wedding i'm planning involves a two week vacation and a beach and it's turning out to be way more work than i can handle (which if you're wondering how much work i can handle - the answer is none).
and ladies relax.  shitler proposed after thirteen years of me making his life miserable.
he hit the jackpot when he decided to make me mrs shitler.

i hope some of that made sense.  because bitches be crazy.
p.s.  my lady garden hasn't been a priority lately.  so i should probably make an appointment to get waxed. because guess who else participated in no-shave-november?  my vagina.