Thursday, December 5

cute.

i think i'm a girl with jumbled priorities.
and by jumbled i mean abnormal.  but i think in the best possible way.

like the other day i was attempting to do blog-related things when i got distracted by a commercial on tv that mentioned something about trans-vaginal mesh.  and then i spent an hour googling trans-vaginal mesh related things and forgot about the blog things i had set out to do.

or when the movie honey came on tv and i literally dropped everything i was attempting to do (like laundry and dishes) and became 100% totally engrossed in it.  which is embarrassing because a toddler could probably follow the plot line with no problem.  HIP HOP AT THE CENTA.

or that i bought a second wedding dress the other day.  priorities people.

which got me to thinking about weddings/marriage/ridiculous people.
one of my favorite people in the whole entire world, wendalyn lou, oftentimes tells me she doesn't understand how people like me since i'm usually such a giant bitch (and i took some liberties with her statement and she means it in the nicest way like ever).  and i have to admit that i just don't care.  like about anything.  

you don't like me?  i'll live and continue to sleep soundly at night.
if you expect me to operate based on what society deems to be appropriate then your expectations of me will surely fall short.
i've never been one to let other people's expectations dictate the way my life is going to pan out.
marriage?  eh - if it happens it happens.  and if it doesn't then that's ok too.
babies?  terrifying but if shitler knocks me up at some point then i guess i'll be a mom.
and i guess what i'm trying to get at is the women that say they've been planning their wedding since they were a little girl?  why?  go the fuck outside because it's time to play ghost in the motherfucking graveyard not decide on color schemes and look at swatches.

because you know what's cute?  girls pitching fits that a man hasn't put a ring on it yet.  i bet you a million dollars your boyfriend has never been less attracted to you then when you're throwing a fit about not being engaged.

even cuter?  girls that give men ultimatums.  because nothing would make me feel better about that ring finger being frosted then knowing that it got there because i pressured the shit out of a dude and he didn't actually want to marry me of his own accord.

i guess i've seen and experienced too much of that type of thing with women around me and it makes my brain want to explode.  like weird chicks that i went to college with and happened to have a boyfriend when they graduated went and immediately got married.  like it was the next logical life step instead of making sure that it was happening because of the right reasons.  same thing with babies.  or certain women that think it's necessary to make getting to the altar a competition.  and trust me - they truly do exist and it's not cute.  plenty of people in my life got engaged and married before shitler and i did and those same people had been together a lot less time than we even were.  and you know what's normal?  to get pumped that there's an upcoming wedding to get beat up drunk at.

so basically the moral of the story is that women should stop caring so much.
the wedding i'm planning involves a two week vacation and a beach and it's turning out to be way more work than i can handle (which if you're wondering how much work i can handle - the answer is none).
and ladies relax.  shitler proposed after thirteen years of me making his life miserable.
he hit the jackpot when he decided to make me mrs shitler.
i hope some of that made sense.  because bitches be crazy.

p.s.  my lady garden hasn't been a priority lately.  so i should probably make an appointment to get waxed.
because guess who else participated in no-shave-november?  my vagina.
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26 comments

  1. intrigue wants to know what sparked this and or I wish I had been around when whosits called you a bitch.

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  2. You are so right. I spent way too much time caring about doing everything in the order I thought I was supposed to. It all got screwed up and went to shit anyway. Now I really don't give a shit about the way things happen, cause either way they will happen. And I am much happier for it. The xanax helps too:) Haha

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  3. I love everything about this post!

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  4. THE PS PART. Omg. I love you, you giant crazy ass bitch. This post should be in some sort of training manual for dumb broads that act like that. Also, stop buying wedding dresses. You have like 7 already.

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  5. It looks like you're holding that beer bottle so that it catches Shitler's pee. Can he pee into a beer bottle from a distance? Because that would be impressive and you should document that.

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  6. I am right there with you on every single detail in this post, including the much needed wax. Ugh! I love knowing there are ladies with similar thought processes as mine out there.
    kristiesbluejeans.blogspot.com

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    1. welcome to my brain.
      we're all glad to have you.

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  7. Well said! Hilarious on the PS part!

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  8. First- I fucking love that you just called your vagina a lady garden
    Second- It is a proven scientific fact that bitches be trippin
    Third- Been married not even 3 years and if one more person asks me why I don't have a child I'm going to punch them in the junk and then pour whatever it is I'm currently holding on their head

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  9. my lady parts also participated in no shave november but no boyfriend no problem. shitler's a gem.

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    1. and by shitler's a gem i mean because he didnt pitch a fit about no waxing. my ex was a dink wad about that.

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  10. I almost peed myself laughing at the PS. I have totally seen the race you too the alter competitive thing and it is U.G.L.Y (they don't got no alibi). Oh and seriously when I was little I was playing with Barbies and kickball in the street who the hell thinks of wedding dresses at that age??

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  11. I mean...this post is basically perfect.

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  12. Dude, take care of your lady parts or I'm going to demand Shitler cancel the wedding until you do. Nobody has time to be searching for that.

    Oh, and as to your post, amen.

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  13. Dude. I just took care of my lady parts the other day... we could've knitted you a THIRD wedding dress.

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  14. Preaaaach sista! Planning my wedding was a pain in the ass. And also? Ghosts in the graveyard is way better. Finally, that mans forearm makes it look like there's a tiny baseball hat on your head.

    Best,
    Clem

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  15. You're amazing. So yes to all of this.

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  16. Bitches be crazy. I went to a college where 20% of the graduating class gets married the summer following graduation, and the other 70% within the year to fellow classmates. And the rest of us just be sittin' around like.....dafuq just happened.

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  17. Haha, sounds like me. I'm so ADHD it's a problem. The whole walking into a room and completely forgetting what I walked up a flight of stairs thing pisses me off.

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  18. I hate to admit but I once accidentally watched honey and honey 2 in a row....I'm sure I had other shit to do but dance movies are just too irresistible

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  19. I have to admit something I am not proud of: I was one of those bitches. Bitched and complained about a ring...and i got it finally...and now we're divorced. That shit didn't work out in the end for anybody! so you ladies out there itching to get a garter on your thigh? calm the eff down. :) Also, our va jays can be sore together because I've got a Brazilian appointment tomorrow morning!

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  20. I would've been happy forever if MFD and I just continued to coexist without a marriage certificate. People are always surprised that he is the one who wanted to finally get married after we were together for eight years, not me. I don't give any shits about what people think.

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  21. Dude, if shitler and you don't work out, not that I think this will happen, I'm available to be your non-deep sea diving shenanigan partner.

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  22. trans-vaginal mesh?! what the heck channel were you watching on TV?!

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