once upon a time we celebrated a birthday

you know what's great? knowing people for super long periods of time. like knowing shitler since i was fourteen?  fifteen?  i mean officially we met even younger on the swing sets but that's neither here nor there.  and even better than knowing shitler for that long is that i got to, by extension, know his family that long too.
so it's been, what feels like, forever and a day that i've known shitler's cousin, wendy. and it seems like we've been through it all too.  weddings, no carb diets, drinking benders, and that one time that shitler and i broke up for a bit in high school and i showed up to the movies wearing make up (which i never do) and shitler told wendy that i looked like a "slut" and then obviously wendy told me and to this day whenever i actually do wear make up wendy gleefully reminds me of the time that i wore make up to the movies and shitler called me a "slut."
but what's even better is that even if we weren't officially family i know we would obviously be the very best of friends.  i mean - the bitch owes me - since i introduced her to her husband.
so a couple weeks ago (and by couple of weeks i mean practically a month because i'm terrible at blogging) we traveled to shebagdad (sheboygan) to the blue harbor resort to celebrate wendalyn lou turning twenty-nine and there were plenty of shenanigans.  i have evidence.
first we stopped and marveled at the largest flagpole in the united states.

these two homeboys posed. one looks super thrilled.  like in a charles manson/serial killer sort of way.

once we were done being touristy and also patriotic we skipped straight to the shenanigans.

like weird posing and jumping on hotel beds.

we hit the indoor water park and played glow in the dark mini golf and over indulged in basically everything.  and then two men got ready for dinner and tried to behave like gentlemen.

p.s. my mom sewed me that bag above and shitler has commandeered it for his beard accessories. 

and i really only like this picture because of the creepy eyes in the background.

 and then shitler posed with his one boyfriend from college.

and then wendalyn lou finally blew out the candles on the birthday cake that shitler baked.

so that's it. a birthday celebration in all its glory.
p.s. here's a dog named uncle rico sitting in a cardboard box.  you're welcome.

snapchat snapshots

there was some sort of blizzard type thing that happened a couple of days ago here in the midwest. the snow piled up quite nicely and shitler forbid me to drive because of a previous incident (of which i will discuss later this week because it's still highly embarrassing).  so naturally i camped out on the couch for approximately nine hours and played cooking fever and binge watched the final season of parenthood (which i'm still emotional about and no i don't want to discuss it because i will burst into tears).  but also cooking fever.  it's taken over my life and shitler is constantly ridiculing me because i can't stop playing it and it usually leads me to ignoring/tuning shitler out and he doesn't like that one bit because he's a real attention whore.  which leads us to shitler repeatedly sending me snapchats on sunday while i was playing cooking fever.  which is rude because it kept popping up in the middle of my levels and it would frustrate me and shitler would gleefully smirk because he only wants me to fail at my cooking fever levels.
ladies (and some gentlemen that i know that read this) - my husband and his snapchat drawings of me.

 

cakes by shitler

you guys. fun fact.  shitler likes to bake.   and he gleefully told me (on friday when we were baking) that we should bake more together.  and i was like "um ok?" and then he was like "we should always bring these to things.  like this is what we should be known for."  and i was like "we should we known for bringing tie-dye cakes that took us like five hours to make?"  and he was like "ya."  and i was all "fine.  i'll be the manager and i'll just oversee your labor."  and then we argued for twenty minutes about the profit margin and how we should split our business and nothing got solved because he refused to accept a 90/10 profit split (obviously me taking 90) and now we're fighting.  not really.  but i'll probably bring it up again at some point just to fight for fighting's sake because duh.

also.  i failed to take a picture of the inside of the cake because i fell asleep.

like a damn loser.

lately

HEY PARTY PEOPLE. what's the good word?  anything exciting? TELL ME EVERYTHING.  LIKE ALL YOUR SECRETS. just kidding.
i thought i would do a small check in. not that you care (secretly maybe you do). so basically life lately.
eating. more fiber than usual.  so naturally i've been pooping more lately.
reading. OMG this stupid, stupid (not really) series about this group that basically saves the world and also their smutty times and i've spent a third of my xmas gift card to amazon on it and i've literally read the whole series in like a week. because i'm weak.  and a sucker. my favorite one was "savage secrets" so naturally i made the picture of that one the biggest.

cristin harber is the author and you can check her out on amazon here. the order goes as follows (in case you'd like to indulge): winters heat, garrison's creed, westin's chase, savage secrets, and hart attack.
loving. this man's level of hairiness.  he's been wearing a lot of headbands lately.  which kills me. so if you'd like to send him some to review i will gladly make him do so.

hating. any and all things seattle.  OBVIOUSLY. the packers play the cheathawks on sunday and i'm so nervous i could die. #neverforget

staring at. this picture i took from xmas eve.  the kid.  the fake mustache.  it kills me dead.

so ya.  that's it.

exciting, right?  

absolutely not.  like not at all.  my life is boring.

see ya later bye.

indoor polar whore-tex

you know how you know it's frigid in your house?
when you accidentally leave a bag of sliced green peppers in your purse over night and in the morning you crunch away on them as if they've lived in the fridge all night.
when shitler foregoes drinking a beer and asks you if you'll make him tea.
when you don't weep during parenthood because your tear ducts are probably frozen.
when cold air seeps into your house via the outlets in the newly constructed room because the hacks that did the job didn't caulk properly.
when you wear all your outside clothes indoors.  i.e. layers on layers on layers.  see also: scarf, hat, and mittens.
when your thermostat doesn't budge past fifty-five degrees and the weather person says that outside is negative ten but windchill makes it feel like negative twenty-six.  #wonderful
when your faucet struggles to produce water in liquid form and makes questionable noises.
when shitler doesn't sleep in the nude because it's that cold in the house (you would think all his fur would keep him toasty warm but alas it apparently does not).

p.s. someone come spoon me.  i'll pay you handsomely; in mac hugs and the beer that shitler isn't drinking.

it's cold

i know that describing the current temperature as "negative bajillion" isn't the technical term but it's what it feels like outside.  and if "negative bajillion" isn't descriptive enough for you here's another way to contemplate the cold.  it's apparently too cold for mac to take the time to shit outside so naturally he just shits on the kitchen floor in the middle of the night.  in his defense - i wouldn't shit outside when it's "negative bajillion" either.
but that's neither here nor there. it's been cold as balls here in wisconsin. so cold that shitler ice fished from the house on sunday because it was frigid. i know this because he and his boyfriends came clambering in and it interrupted the peace and quiet that was me watching season four of game thrones cocooned in my bed.
i managed to take three pictures that day. they all crack me up. one where shitler thinks he's a model. the other where mac begs shitler to "never let go." and the other where both dogs look remedial.

p.s. it's too cold to do anything.  like at all.