Monday, December 9

men i would have sex with that aren't shitler

so this weekend my company had its xmas party.
just the annual event where you get to see your co-workers schnockered and dancing to terrible songs with awful dance instructions that i can't even follow along with sober. #cupidshuffle

but after a slew of drinks some ladies started talking about the hollywood actors they get a hall pass on from their husbands.  and then there was me across the table mumbling into my vodka press about the hunks i would forget shitler even existed for.

here's me in a nutshell.
 photo tumblr_mvjw9hor0d1ql5yr7o1_500_zpsb813b610.gif

tied for third are two men i would get way grabby with.

paul rudd.
because if he was my step-brother i would date him.  without a doubt.
and i would let him tell me all the reasons he knew i was gay.  that i would wear macramed jean shorts.  and that i liked coldplay.  and that also i had a rainbow bumper sticker on my car that says i love when balls are in my face (err, you get it).  paul rudd ya'll.  be still my heart.

russell brand.
i wish my brain would tell my heart to stop being in love with a man so dirty-looking.  but i just can't quit him.  the accent, the facial hair, his movies.  there was one time shitler and i watched get him to the greek like forty-seven days in row and it was quite easy to just sub russell in for shitler during my day to day activities.
also i would 100% smuggle heroin in my butt if he asked me to.

at second place.

ed norton.
but like more specifically ed norton in american history x.  which makes me uncomfortable.  like does this mean i'm a racist?  does curb stomping turn me on?  the answer is no.  
but he is just too much.  and if he wanted me to join a fight club and fight him i wouldn't even hesitate.
and i would definitely help him reevaluate his life if he only had 24 hours to do so (hello 25th hour).  
but from the comfort of a giant bed.  naked.

AAAAAAAAAAAAND drum roll please.  the top spot.

jeremy piven.
GIMME GIMME GIMME.
i have had a borderline psychotic obsession with him since before entourage so BACK OFF LADIES because i love jeremy so hard.  
his three best movies?  hands down PCU, Black Hawk Down, and Spy Kids: All the Time in the World.
and yes also Old School.
and hell to the yes for The Goods.
i think it's the sarcasm and the fast-talking biting wit that gets me.  it doesn't help that i'm extremely turned on my his entourage character.  and perhaps it's because he's so mean.  but i dig it.
and i would probably let him do butt stuff.

so there's that.  and now i'm just sitting here thinking straight up naughty things.

please excuse me.
i have to go change my underwear.

p.s. steve martin is also on my list but i fear people may not truly understand that.

who would you bang?
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38 comments

  1. paul rudd and jason segel are the top two on my band list.

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  2. Paul Rudd is a good one! And Edward Norton...but I like him better not in American history X. But your commentary there really makes me laugh!

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  3. I'm so happy I'm not the only one turned on by Edward Norton in American History X. I just can't help it

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  4. JEREMY in Serendipity is my heaven. Also I once had a huge lady boner for the Dirty Jobs guy

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  5. i'm so not judging your steve martin crush because hello, that man is hilar and also a silver fox.
    but paul rudd for sure, just not Mike from friend Paul Rudd. unless he was playing ping pong and then maybe.

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  6. Charlie Hunnam for sure, hands down, no questions asked!! Oh and I'd also take Ed Westwick or Steve McGarrett!

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  7. Jeremy hangs out at this bar in Chicago all the time and he's basically his entourage character in real life. You should come visit me, I will take you.

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  8. So your list was way weird, but I liked it. That's okay. You'd probably find my list weird and not like it. But that's okay, because then we can each have our guys to ourselves.
    Great commentary. I laughed out loud for realsies.

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    Replies
    1. it's probably better that way.
      because i will cut you if you try to take one of these guys that i will never have sex with.

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  9. Ed Norton. American History X. There's definitely some feelings in my pants with that.

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  10. Paul Rudd though... I need him. In my pants.

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  11. So, so much of this I agree with. Jeremy Piven would have to be a one night stand, though, because I've heard he's a MAJOR asshole, and I can deal with that on some levels, but just not everyday. In his place I'd put Jason Statham. Three reasons: body, accent, former bad-boy life. Done. Also, I totally get the Steve Martin thing. He's like your friends hot dad that you shouldn't think about... but you do. A lot.

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  12. paul rudd...oh yes hims sexy. and i'm more into edward norton when he played bruce banner, jus sayin. but my number one who be eddie cahill from csi new york..i would do some nasty embarrassing things with that man.

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  13. ohhhh lord would i date my step brother.

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  14. Oh for sure Paul Rudd. Don't mind my sloppy seconds, Shannon. Just kidding. Hmmm...who else? Adam Scott. God. I just don't understand. I would watch the world's shittiest movie just for a two second cameo from him.

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  15. Edward Norton. All day. Everywhere.

    And no judging on the Steve Martin thing from me, not many people do it for me like Jeff Goldblum does.

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  16. May be a bit nerdy, but Johnny Galeki. All that awkwardness.

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  17. nice list. mine is very weird and i get embarrassed but zac efron and dave (NOT james) franco. so sue me.

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  18. I posted one of these awhile ago. I need to update it though because Paul Walker held a solid top spot on the list.

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  19. THE PIVERT?!?! NO FREAKING WAY.

    But you are going to have to mud wrestle me for Russell Brand. You are.

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  20. I also have a sick obsession with American History X Edward Norton and have feared it makes me a sick mofo.

    Russell Brand is all yours. I cannot even look at him.

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  21. Your reasons for them are too funny. I totally get Edward Norton and Paul Rudd. I totally have a thing for Luke Wilson.

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  22. Channing Tatum and The Rock aka Dwayne Johnson.

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  23. This is so inappropriately comforting that more people do this.

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  24. Don mfing draper and his underwear-less self.

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  25. this is too funny. Steve Martin?! Awesome. haha!

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  26. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH... that first gif... DYYYYING!!!!! My list is quite extensive and also includes some questionable choices (Kevin Costner).

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  27. YES to Russell Brand a bazilion times over.

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  28. The Rock and Pierce Brosnan. I mean, come on. He was James Bond.

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  29. Umm we need to talk. Because Ari Gold and Paul Rudd and I have a thing going on....soooooo......this is awkward.

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  30. I love Paul Rudd so hard! I would let him do horribly degrading things to me and I wouldn't even protest. He is my dream man. I'd definitely let Ed throw it in me too, but he would have to be more respectful about it. Also, I dig the phrase, "butt stuff."

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    Replies
    1. so you would let them both do butt stuff to you?
      after me, of course.

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  31. MEAT TOSSER!!!!!!

    I've loved Jeremy since PCU. It's been awhile, I think I need to throw that in the DVD player.

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  32. This made me laugh so hard!!!!
    My list: Alex O'Loughlin & Luke Bryan

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  33. I am a Paul Rudd lover and fan all the way. Ever since he graced my TV in Clueless when it came out.

    Russell Brand though? Shannon.... no.

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c'mon.
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