Tuesday, November 11

annual snooch check up

so adulthood.
adult womanhood to be exact.
it's a real thing.  
like a real thing that includes yearly snooch check ups and getting felt up by someone who is practically a stranger.

so naturally the time came and went for my annual snooch tune up and along with the duck-billed platypus instrument that gets crammed up there and the awkward small talk during there comes the inevitable talk about any concerns i may have had.  and so i mentioned to her that a few times during said menstruation cycles i will have "break through bleeding" (sidenote - i really enjoyed forcing shitler to listen to my snooch tales because he didn't care but it was like he couldn't not listen and be completely grossed out/uncomfortable and if you need a visual of how i tell shitler stories that he doesn't care about it would be this GIF and obviously he's the cat and i'm the sloth).

but i digress.  because my gyno was all "we can switch you to another pill" and i was all "no thanks because i swear the one i'm on now is the only one covered by my insurance and i'm too cheap to pay for it because that would cut into other various, useless shit i buy on a regular basis."  and she was like "oooook?  so you're ok with bleeding?"  and i was like "well i don't like love it but it's better than before when i would bleed out for like four weeks time."  and she was like "touche."  and then i was like "i just think my menstrual cycle is too powerful and it can't be tamed with traditional means that work on other female cycles."  and then she looked at me like i was nuts and then burst out laughing.  and then she was like "i've never heard it described like that before.  i'm using it from it now on.  it'll be a power surge."  and i was all "we're a good team."  and then i high-fived her and said "see ya next year."

p.s. this year i won the no finger in the butthole lottery at my gyno.  this is my second year dodging that terrible bullet.  and don't act like i'm nuts for having this happen.  because people have questioned this and it's totally thing.  i googled it.

please regale me with your gyno appointment stories.
i need to be entertained.

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  1. IT CAN'T BE TAMED hahahaa
    ok i have never had a doc do the finger in the butthole... should they?!?! am i maybe missing out on knowing some important information about my anus? what if there is something wrong with it and i've just never had a doctor do their job to the fullest? should i ask for a butthole exam? you have me all kinds of wondering things over here.

  2. Omg... you crack me up with the snooch fest posts:)

  3. Ummm should I take it personally that my gyno has never offered to put her finger in my butthole? Like, I am, but I don't know why?

    1. i'd be offended if i were you.
      why is my butt hole more attractive to put a finger in than yours?

      just kidding. i can't move forward with this for seriously.

  4. I’m with Natalie. My gyno has never done that, and like…does she not like me that much? Do you think she’s just not into me? This is rude and hurtful. Someone bring me some wine.

    1. let's plan a wine and taco night where we talk about our lady tacos.

  5. Well, this is surely too much, but I shall share. I got an IUD three years ago and at my appointment I had these horrendous green glittery toenails because my mom dared me to get it when we went to the salon together and, well, dares. So the doc is all down there, cozy in the crotch-zone inserting the "device" which feels like it's about to split me in two, and she looks up from between my knees and says, "THAT NAIL COLOR IS DIVINE. Do you remember the name?"


    Hell no I don't remember the name especially right now with this damn thing nearly coming out of my damn throat.

    The end.

  6. Last year my gyno came into the room, of course after making me sit in that freezing cold ice box in a paper gown for an eternity... did the exam, takes off her gloves and say "doesn't get much more by-the-book than that!" I said "uhhh thank you?" She said "no really, it's a monday. this is rare."

    What?! Apparently Mondays are bad in the gyno world as well...

  7. A. I love that gif.
    2. Your gyno is awesome. Also, umm, if you use s generic brand it sounds be free. Thanks ACA. Google that. You know me, I'm all for cheap. Also, in case you were wondering, I've always avoided the butthole lottery.

  8. Ok, I am so glad someone else says Snooch. you need to watch Iliza Schlesinger stand up, she talks about snooch. Your gyno also sounds amazing.

  9. my annual smooch check up came with a bonus student! so I was lucky enough to enjoy the entire experience not once, but twice. doc would do something, then politely ask if student could do the same thing over again.
    luckily no fingers were misplaced, so at least I was spared that experience

  10. I feel like i want to know more about this finger-in-the-butthole business but also I never want to think about it because I've never heard of it happening and I'm ok with it NEVER happening. The last time I went to the gyno she used the wrong size speculum and was like, "does everybody hard a hard time getting stuff up here?" and I was like "Uh that's an odd way to phrase that question but I don't think so" and she was like "huh" and then I think she downsized and that sucker was SO EFFING COLD.

  11. I'd tell my doctor that I do NOT have a prostate for them to check so to remove their finger from my ass. NOPE. You shall not pass my sphincter.

  12. I laughed, I cried, I shuddered. I honestly think I want to curl up in a dark corner and rock back and forth for a little while because of this post.

  13. You should try tri-sprintec. It's free ninety nine at the grocery pharmacy with my crappy insurance. It's now a low-dosage either, so it will probably help with the bleeding.

    Also, I just had to have a piece of my cervix snipped out and sent to a lab, so I think I LOST the gyno lottery.

  14. the GIF is awesome! I just received my invitation to return to the gyno for the 3,000 mile oil change. I am not looking forward. I will have to say I am happy to be with this new stranger instead of the stranger I had for the previous 12 years, he was just weird. I was completely naked under a gown and he wanted to give me a hug after he checked me. He called it "hug therapy". I called it "ew!"

  15. A) That gif is AWESOME.
    B) None of my gynos have ever ventured into my butthole zone. I have nothing else to say on that matter.
    C) Turns out when you're as knocked up as I am, you start having weekly snooch check ups. NOT. A. FAN.


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