like a real thing that includes yearly snooch check ups and getting felt up by someone who is practically a stranger.
so naturally the time came and went for my annual snooch tune up and along with the duck-billed platypus instrument that gets crammed up there and the awkward small talk during there comes the inevitable talk about any concerns i may have had. and so i mentioned to her that a few times during said menstruation cycles i will have "break through bleeding" (sidenote - i really enjoyed forcing shitler to listen to my snooch tales because he didn't care but it was like he couldn't not listen and be completely grossed out/uncomfortable and if you need a visual of how i tell shitler stories that he doesn't care about it would be this GIF and obviously he's the cat and i'm the sloth).
but i digress. because my gyno was all "we can switch you to another pill" and i was all "no thanks because i swear the one i'm on now is the only one covered by my insurance and i'm too cheap to pay for it because that would cut into other various, useless shit i buy on a regular basis." and she was like "oooook? so you're ok with bleeding?" and i was like "well i don't like love it but it's better than before when i would bleed out for like four weeks time." and she was like "touche." and then i was like "i just think my menstrual cycle is too powerful and it can't be tamed with traditional means that work on other female cycles." and then she looked at me like i was nuts and then burst out laughing. and then she was like "i've never heard it described like that before. i'm using it from it now on. it'll be a power surge." and i was all "we're a good team." and then i high-fived her and said "see ya next year."
p.s. this year i won the no finger in the butthole lottery at my gyno. this is my second year dodging that terrible bullet. and don't act like i'm nuts for having this happen. because people have questioned this and it's totally thing. i googled it.
please regale me with your gyno appointment stories. i need to be entertained.
remember when i wrote that post about getting my snooch waxed?
if you don't you can refresh your memory by clicking here. and also here.
with that being said and read shitler told me that he would be home tonight. as in like twelve hours from now or something. and i was like "oh. ok." and then he was like "do you miss me?" and i was like "i would like some D and some snuggsin." and he was like "only if you're lucky." and i was like "rude." but then it dawned on me that my downstairs business was still like something out of rain forest and that it would probably take a machete to hack through it. you're welcome for the visual. and then i all of the sudden was like "fuck i thought i had more time to take care of my power bush." but now the time is dwindling down to like hours and there's no time left to see my regular snooch lady and i'm sure as shit not going back to that one lady with the rubbing and the rounding of the imaginary bases and then i remembered that my friend mentioned that a new place opened up not too far from us. and so i jumped online, googled, booked an appointment, and just like that i could add another person to the list of people who have seen my snooch at its very worst. and i didn't even blink about adding to the list because since the place is new i get half off my snooch wax today. so for $27.50 she'll be right as rain and just like that we all learned how cheap my snooch is.
tell no one about my cheap snooch.
i also think this means that i would be a terrible hooker.
once upon a time i blogged on a semi-consistent basis.
but then i stopped. because why i do not know.
probably lack of motivation and also anything remotely valuable to say.
today will be no different. so i apologize in advance for what you're about to read.
i wanted to talk about snooch waxing again. mainly because i need to get my snooch waxed because i'm totally due up for it (if you know what i mean). back in july i wrote about snooch waxing. you can read that here. i ended up not being able to get an appointment with the regular snooch waxing lady i go to and after an exhaustive search that just led me to places that were more expensive than what i was normally used to paying and also weird lengths of time that it was going to take to get my snooched waxed (like 60 minutes); a twitter angel reached out and recommended their lady. i graciously thanked them and scrambled to make an appointment. the appointment was quick (like what i was accustomed to) but 100% not even close to being comfortable. i will normally get a million questions about what it feels like from friends that are going to get it done for the first time and i'm certainly not going to lie to anyone and tell them its rainbows, unicorns, and the best feeling ever but it sure doesn't hurt on an unbearable level. quick aside - my mom wanted her snooch waxed before we left for mexico and she furiously stated that if she could have all three of us kids with no pain meds then she could sure as shit get her snooch waxed. spoiler alert she's hooked and goes on a regular basis now. but i digress. the appointment with the not ordinary snooch waxing lady was one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life. the woman talked a mile a minute and gave me a headache (which in retrospect was nice because it distracted me from the crotch hair ripping pain) but then also continually rubbed a cooling lotion on my snooch. and although it was in a supremely professional manner it made me feel like i had just rounded a base (i never know what the bases are so just use your imagination) with a stranger. and then at the end i had to get on all fours-ish with my butt in the air while she waxed that area too. it was surreal. and i bet pretty par for the course if that's what you're used to in regards to snooch waxing but i wasn't so i wanted to cry.
but the whole point of this is that i'm due for a snooch wax. except shitler is leaving for indiana on monday for like two whole weeks. and i think it's unnecessary and not very frugal of me to get the snooch wax now when he's just going to be out of town for two weeks (heyooooo). so i've politely informed him that he's going to have to make do with the current situation. and that also he should be thankful that i'm at least shaving my legs and pits on a semi-regular basis.
was this weird for you guys? it's ok if it was. or wasn't.
i feel you've all felt my pain. it's our womanly cross to bare bear (i'm sorry i love puns and i couldn't resist). i think shitler should just be thankful that things haven't reached a point where you need like a machete to hack through my downstairs business.
i feel like by the time i finally do get my snooch waxed it may well resemble something like this:
once upon i met a girl named katie and we somehow got to talking about waxing vaginas (totally different than waxing poetic) and she raved and raved and raved about her hairless cat and how fantastic it was and i was like "look whore that sounds terrible. like hot wax and things being ripped? what if they rip a lip clear off?" and she all but forced insisted that i had to at least try it and then she gave me the name of her girl and then i nutted up and made the appointment and then i took a bunch of shots and was all "LET'S DO THIS LADY" and that was like three years ago and i've never looked back and i've never shaved my snooch since. and i'm aware that not all snooches and snooch related things are the same but i'm of the snooch related things variety in which i need to get waxed like every three months. because apparently after awhile your snooch related things stop growing at the alarming rate that they did before you started waxing.
with that being said the last time there was hot wax on my snootch was right before i left for mexico and that pesky wedding. and since this weekend is boating on the chain 'o lakes i figured it was time for snooch landscaping. so i called my snooch waxing girl and tried to hammer out a quick session that would leave me a hairless cat once again but she had zip, nada, zilch available in the appointment department and it left me devastated. and i was mainly devastated because i needed to take care of my snooch before the weekend and that meant making an appointment with a new wax lady and that, in turn, meant someone else would be added to the list of people who have seen my snooch and i'd like to keep said list as short as possible. and then, as if i wasn't stressed out enough about the lack of wax, i started compiling a list in my head about all the people that have viewed my snooch. first there was the first ever snooch doctor appointment when i was like sixteen. it was a man wearing a polka dotted bow tie and went by the name dr. stuart. and never again will there ever be a male doctor wielding the duck-billed platypus near my snootch ever again. and then there was dr. angsten who my mother and her four sisters raved about but i only got in the one time because apparently she is so incredible that there is literally a snooch wait list. so then i tried a different lady. her name was dr. schmidt and she was horrible and thought i was lying about my snooch health and its past behaviors. so then i went to dr. jenn (who, yes, went by her first name and it kind of freaked me out) but that was only for the one time because her hours fluctuated so much that she was like only available on the third tuesday of every other month and only when uranus, jupiter and mercury were lined up on one side of the sun and earth was perpendicular to the sun and also it needed to be a wax moon. and then finally i decided on one and stuck with her and her last name starts with a "w" and it's impossible to spell so i won't even attempt to spell it but she's really quite wonderful and she comes to eat at the restaurant i work at part time and she usually orders tuna sushi or sashimi and it makes me laugh because this bish has been to my no man's land and lived to tell about. so already that's five people that have had a viewing of my snooch. and then there's shitler and then my wax lady and now we're on to counting those people with two hands and now i have to add a new wax lady and i swear i'm going to lose it if i have to start using my toes to count.
which brings us back to the task at hand. which is me trying to find someone to wax me quick before i have to pour myself into a bikini and get drunk all weekend. and googling "ladies who wax vaginas in lake country" doesn't exactly garner you too many valid hits and also when searching for someone it feels like i should have a list of interview questions to ask my new lady but really it's just a stab in the dark and you hope whoever ends up down there with hot wax is like slightly normal and has a steady hand. so i ended up calling my gym that apparently has a "spa" and i had to wait for a call back because apparently their wax lady doesn't just sit around waiting for someone like myself to call for an emergency wax session. and i didn't even get to talk to the lady that would be waxing me. just the sixteen year old girl that mans the front desk, scans me in when i make it to the gym, and tells me to have a great day when i duck out after a twenty minute "work out." after finally making it through all the fiery hoops and and locking down an appointment the front desk girl said "ok. so we have you down for the eighteenth at 4:30PM. it'll be sixty dollars and sixty minutes." and cue crickets. and then cue me going "SIXTY MINUTES?" and then front desk girl goes "is that like a long time?" and i'm all "uhhhhh ya. what does she plan on doing down there for sixty minutes? are you sure you haven't scheduled me a massage? and no. not a vagina massage." and she was like "uhhhhh i don't know. how long should it take?" and i was like "ten minutes max! what on earth i don't need it va-jazzled." and then i gave up and was like "whatever i'll be there on time for my sixty minute brazilian wax." and then naturally i lamented about my woes on twitter and was promptly saved and directed elsewhere for a wax and to a lady described as a "vagina magician" and HOW DID SHE KNOW I LOVE MAGICIANS?
so the moral of the story is that the magic happens tonight. and won't be a sixty minute show.
although i will forever wonder about what the sixty minute brazilian wax entailed.
and honestly i'm so excited for a hairless snooch once more that this is currently my face:
and also can we all please start calling our down town business a snooch?
it's the best thing ever. if you have some time when you're drunk you should 100% watch iliza shlesinger's "war paint" on netflix because her stand-up comedy is the stuff dreams are made of.
here are two videos i found for you.
if you watch all of "war paint" she'll explain the snooch in great detail.
but in the meantime i give you two short clips that will give you all the lolz i promise.
