Thursday, July 17

on snooch waxing appointments

once upon i met a girl named katie and we somehow got to talking about waxing vaginas (totally different than waxing poetic) and she raved and raved and raved about her hairless cat and how fantastic it was and i was like "look whore that sounds terrible.  like hot wax and things being ripped?  what if they rip a lip clear off?"  and she all but forced insisted that i had to at least try it and then she gave me the name of her girl and then i nutted up and made the appointment and then i took a bunch of shots and was all "LET'S DO THIS LADY" and that was like three years ago and i've never looked back and i've never shaved my snooch since.  and i'm aware that not all snooches and snooch related things are the same but i'm of the snooch related things variety in which i need to get waxed like every three months.  because apparently after awhile your snooch related things stop growing at the alarming rate that they did before you started waxing.

with that being said the last time there was hot wax on my snootch was right before i left for mexico and that pesky wedding.  and since this weekend is boating on the chain 'o lakes i figured it was time for snooch landscaping.  so i called my snooch waxing girl and tried to hammer out a quick session that would leave me a hairless cat once again but she had zip, nada, zilch available in the appointment department and it left me devastated.  and i was mainly devastated because i needed to take care of my snooch before the weekend and that meant making an appointment with a new wax lady and that, in turn, meant someone else would be added to the list of people who have seen my snooch and i'd like to keep said list as short as possible.  and then, as if i wasn't stressed out enough about the lack of wax, i started compiling a list in my head about all the people that have viewed my snooch.  first there was the first ever snooch doctor appointment when i was like sixteen.  it was a man wearing a polka dotted bow tie and went by the name dr. stuart.  and never again will there ever be a male doctor wielding the duck-billed platypus near my snootch ever again.  and then there was dr. angsten who my mother and her four sisters raved about but i only got in the one time because apparently she is so incredible that there is literally a snooch wait list.  so then i tried a different lady.  her name was dr. schmidt and she was horrible and thought i was lying about my snooch health and its past behaviors.  so then i went to dr. jenn (who, yes, went by her first name and it kind of freaked me out) but that was only for the one time because her hours fluctuated so much that she was like only available on the third tuesday of every other month and only when uranus, jupiter and mercury were lined up on one side of the sun and earth was perpendicular to the sun and also it needed to be a wax moon.  and then finally i decided on one and stuck with her and her last name starts with a "w" and it's impossible to spell so i won't even attempt to spell it but she's really quite wonderful and she comes to eat at the restaurant i work at part time and she usually orders tuna sushi or sashimi and it makes me laugh because this bish has been to my no man's land and lived to tell about.  so already that's five people that have had a viewing of my snooch.  and then there's shitler  and then my wax lady and now we're on to counting those people with two hands and now i have to add a new wax lady and i swear i'm going to lose it if i have to start using my toes to count.

which brings us back to the task at hand.  which is me trying to find someone to wax me quick before i have to pour myself into a bikini and get drunk all weekend.  and googling "ladies who wax vaginas in lake country" doesn't exactly garner you too many valid hits and also when searching for someone it feels like i should have a list of interview questions to ask my new lady but really it's just a stab in the dark and you hope whoever ends up down there with hot wax is like slightly normal and has a steady hand.  so i ended up calling my gym that apparently has a "spa" and i had to wait for a call back because apparently their wax lady doesn't just sit around waiting for someone like myself to call for an emergency wax session.
and i didn't even get to talk to the lady that would be waxing me.  just the sixteen year old girl that mans the front desk, scans me in when i make it to the gym, and tells me to have a great day when i duck out after a twenty minute "work out."  after finally making it through all the fiery hoops and and locking down an appointment the front desk girl said "ok.  so we have you down for the eighteenth at 4:30PM.  it'll be sixty dollars and sixty minutes."  and cue crickets.  and then cue me going "SIXTY MINUTES?"  and then front desk girl goes "is that like a long time?"  and i'm all "uhhhhh ya.  what does she plan on doing down there for sixty minutes?  are you sure you haven't scheduled me a massage?  and no.  not a vagina massage."  and she was like "uhhhhh i don't know.  how long should it take?"  and i was like "ten minutes max! what on earth i don't need it va-jazzled."  and then i gave up and was like "whatever i'll be there on time for my sixty minute brazilian wax."  and then naturally i lamented about my woes on twitter and was promptly saved and directed elsewhere for a wax and to a lady described as a "vagina magician" and HOW DID SHE KNOW I LOVE MAGICIANS?  

so the moral of the story is that the magic happens tonight.  and won't be a sixty minute show.
although i will forever wonder about what the sixty minute brazilian wax entailed.

and honestly i'm so excited for a hairless snooch once more that this is currently my face:

and also can we all please start calling our down town business a snooch?  
it's the best thing ever.  if you have some time when you're drunk you should 100% watch iliza shlesinger's "war paint" on netflix because her stand-up comedy is the stuff dreams are made of.

here are two videos i found for you.
if you watch all of "war paint" she'll explain the snooch in great detail.
but in the meantime i give you two short clips that will give you all the lolz i promise.

on a girl's night:

a snooch reference:

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  1. This is one of my favorite posts you have ever written. I got my first ever snooch wax a couple of weeks ago and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be and part of me really wishes you had gone to the 60 minute wax because I am so curious about what the hell she needs to be doing down there for so long.

  2. i've never gotten waxed, scares the shit out me to have something hot and burning down there. but i've been shaving hairless since i was a teenager. so clean and comfy. i've lived like this for so long (15ish years!) that i honestly don't understand how anyone else still has pubes, it baffles me lol. and when i see a pube on a toilet at work i wanna punch every female in the building.

  3. I have heard horror stories about getting snooch's waxed. I want to give it a shot but I am sooo scared. Maybe someday I will grow the balls, ya probably not. The same reason I won't get tattoos... I am a chicken!

    P.S. When my Bloglovin page is loading the pictures always pop up first. I always try to guess what picture goes to whose blog... I always get your no it's not dial up it is just very slow DSL

  4. I wish I could give you all of my snooch waxing karma that I have built up because I will never ever do it because $60 is insane when I can do it for free, and also my list of snooch viewers is well over double digits and that only includes like four OBGYN's and now that Im married, that list needs to stay put. Also my skins not sensitive at all except to the sun so I dont really worry about all of those crazy skin related issues that are involved with shaving. I guess Im just lucky. I enjoyed your snooch post. Snooches and poops, mah lady. Snooches and poops.

  5. I am telling you the Brazilian Wax changed my life. Shaving doesn't even come close and cannot compare. It's $35 bucks around here at the biggest snooch waxing chain in Atlanta. I think southern women prefer to be hairless, there's a wax place in every town. Thank God, If I had to take a razor to it I would cry my eyes out in disappointment. This was hilarious by the way. I have a bajillion names for it... cooch, betty, brittney... adding snooch to the list:)

  6. HAHAHAAHA yes. They are amazing but I definitely cannot afford them all the time so things get a little crazy around here sometimes bahahaha. Anyways- can I just tell you how much I love that you wrote this post because it just kept getting better and better and better. and better.

  7. i call mine a cooter but i guess i could give snooch a whirl. plus at least majority of the eyeballs that have been on your lady parts belong to women. so there's that.

  8. I do not understand people that shave. Wouldn't that give you a stubble puss?

    Because of this post, I was counting the number of people that have seen my snooch and I now realize that more women than men have seen my snooch, which doesn't seem quiet balanced enough because I've never had a romantic female encounter. That number will only go up though because my lady doctor works at a very busy practice that is always overrun by women and children. I had an anxiety attack at my last appointment because the lady in the room next to me brought her FIVE CHILDREN and it was just a little too much to handle.

  9. this made me laugh so hard. I'm not sure what I call my mine. I think I usually just say vagina. It doesn't come up in conversation much, however.

    I LOVED war paint. The girls night thing had me rolling on the floor. Cute shoes, no boys, just girls *sheep noise* Haha!!

  10. Haha I'll haveta take your word on the snooch waxing paradise b/c I've never had a professional do it...Though I have done an at home one and that was perhaps weirder then having someone else do it....I saw things....scary things....haha j/k

  11. VA-JAZZLED. I died, I'm dead.

    1. it's true. i would like to google vajazzled snooches but i'm too much of a coward.

  12. This post was amazing. You are my favorite, and now so is the word snooch. Also, I think I just fell in love with Iliza Shlesinger.

  13. GD! SERIOUSLY! I'm trying to just quickly peruse (is that spelled right? or is computer autocorrect just messing with me?) anyway I'm TRYING to get be fair about my catch up game since i've been m.i.a. from blogland and i see this shit - and you can't exactly ignore or come back to a post titled "On Snooch Waxing Appts" so here I am, dying. i was actually contemplating getting a wax job this week but the one and only time i had it done (like 3 years ago) it just wasn't everything i hoped it would be. but i feel like your post is the Universe's way of telling me to just man up, errrr whatever.
    so thanks.


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