november? more like no-shitler.

remember when everyone lost their shit over the month of october? i do.  it was an explosion of pumpkin related shit and people so excited that i thought this was the first time they had ever encountered an october in their whole entire existence.  cute.
but really november shall be glorious. aside from everyone having meltdowns over no-shave november, which is slightly annoying, considering my entire relationship with shitler is his own version of no-shave november that just lasts for eternity so this bearded thing is nothing new to me and i've always loved it so shove off you band-wagon beard fans. i'm out of breath from typing that embarrassing sentence.  sorry.
this november marks a month where i will only have to see shitler for three whole weekend days. FOR THE ENTIRE MONTH.   xmas came early this year folks.

and no - no one is going hunting for shitlers. shitler is going to go out into the wilderness and participate in the war on deer.
first saturday of the month shitler is doing a side job.  which, also,  i've decided to force him to do more of.
secondly - do you know who says things like "i might have to have like four bachelor parties because i have so many friends?"  shitler does.  that's who.  and then it makes my brain feel like exploding.  but the first bachelor party kicks off this month in the wisconsin dells with all his boyfriends from college.
then there's widow's weekend.  which up until this year i have never had the pleasure of experiencing.  but for those that are unfamiliar it's always the weekend before thanksgiving that is the opening weekend of deer hunting and every man i know is out in the wilderness to murder things (deer - relax).  and i'm kind of pulling for shitler to not get a deer on opening weekend because his absence thanksgiving weekend is contingent upon his kill count (or lack thereof) on opening weekend.
everyone is always so serious about the hunting and the quiet and it all seems awfully boring. so in my mind i'm going to picture shitler doing a lot of frolicking. 

and posing.

and peeing.

but he's very serious about the war on deer.

just ask him and his imaginary gun.

but no one serial kill me now that you know i'll be living in solitary bliss.

get it right, get it tight: week one

MILDLY SUCCESSFUL. those are the words i shall use to describe my week of semi-starvation (kidding) and working out. i think had i had just one day where i worked out and then ate a salad instead of boneless buffalo wings i would have chalked that up as a success.  but out of the seven days this week - i worked out for five of them.  and i must say that my meals were actually healthy.  say whaaaaaaaaaaa?

i wish i had some sort of brain for working out and knowing what the best possible thing to do for target areas and weight loss are.  but i don't.  so for week one i mainly did elliptical cardio, some free weight shit, and ab work.  and like i told faith - i feel like that's all better than what i was doing.  which was nothing.
also - that avocado egg cup?  i could eat it all day, every day. so there you have it.  semi-successful, semi-accountable.
by all means please leave suggestions, websites, workouts, meals, etc. you name it, i need it.

i do declare

why hello slut-puppies.
it is i (me?) - shannon.  whichever.  you get it.  i'm here.
this post really isn't going to have much of substance other than me officially announcing and dedicating an entire post to the fact that the buck will stop here.  and that buck being my jiggly, fat ass. without being one of those fucking freakwad chicks who only talk about, ZOMG THEIR WEDDING once they get engaged, i just need to highlight to the world that there's like six months till i will forever (hopefully) be mrs. shitler and i'd rather not have to look at my wedding pictures for the rest of my life and lament about how chubby i was.  
p.s. i have my wedding dress that i ordered online and i haven't even tried it on because i'm afraid that i'm too giant to fit into it.  HELP ME MY BRAIN DOESN'T WORK.
so basically i have a plan.  kind of.  because i'm also really bad at plans and follow through. i really wish it were as easy as i was musing about yesterday when it came to working out.

if i just do the miley twerk dance to the wop song every day for an hour from now until my wedding i should be in great shape, ya?
— shannon (@itgotweird) October 23, 2013

but anyway.  things too look forward to include but are not limited to:

• me not revealing my starting weight.  god no.  big ups if people are crazy enough to do that but i won't even let shitler know my weight so there's not a fat fucking chance i'm going to tell you internet people.
• hangry rating (obviously).
• one post a week that's diet and exercise related.  relax - that's for me.  you totally don't have to read it if you don't want and i want even blame you because that shit is lame.  but i'll probably post it on a sunday so when you guys have better things to do be doing (like living life) you can readily avoid it.
• goal setting - GASP OMG I KNOW WTF ARE THOSE.  i figure i should have some.  like small ones.
• rewards for mehself.  because i'll also deserve gifts i bought myself if i achieve even the most minor of goals.  thank you regina george.
  

so that's really what this post is about.  me telling you that i'm going on a diet for this fucking bullshit upcoming wedding.  and also that i'm going to need some help to keep me accountable.  like stand by for frantic texts needing you to tell me to put down the carbs.  because if this doesn't work i'm going to have to resort to illegal diet pills and laxatives.  and i feel like that could messy.  ew.

also this will be my life from now on.

the tail of the fleas

patience tester: thy name is mac.
i was always aware that we had chosen a "special" dog.  so i have been extremely accepting of the shenanigans young mac typically gets himself into.  but in the last two weeks he has truly tried what little patience i have left.
the opening act: shitler and shannon come home from a weekend up north.  they sit on the couch, watch some bruce almighty, play on their smart phones, and around 11PM decide to turn in for the night.  shannon goes upstairs and starts arranging pillows and blankets.  it is at this time that she discovers a turd surprise that young mac has left for them.  as in - mac shit in the bed. round one goes to mac.
the first scene: friday morning rolls around and shitler calls shannon at work to inform her that he found a tick on mac.  he tells her he took care of it and that shannon has nothing to worry about. the second scene: shannon arrives home from working at the restaurant on friday night and asks shitler to show her where the tick was.  after viewing the scene of the crime shitler informs her that mac has little black bugs on him.  shannon's jaw drops and she screeches "FLEAS?  DOES HE HAVE FLEAS?!"  shitler insists they're not fleas.  he googled it.  it's definitely not fleas.  shannon takes to google herself and obsessively starts googling all things flea related.  she goes after mac and rolls him onto his back and begins comparing the googled pictures to his own canine body.  much to her dismay THEY'RE THE SAME.  THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.  THOSE ARE FLEAS CRAWLING ON HIM AND LOOK THERE'S THE FLEA POOP.  frantically she shows shitler her discovery and he fights her on it.  telling her that "no - they don't look anything like these pictures i found." shannon looks at his picture and mentally curses shitler and wonders where his goddamn microscope is because the picture he is indeed looking at is that of a flea under a microscope.  after much arguing shannon declares herself the winner and then all of them losers.
scene three: saturday morning calls for an entire cleaning of the house, flea treatments for both dogs, and frantic flea baths at midnight.  in the meantime shannon has spent an unhealthy amount of time researching fleas and discovering facts about their egg laying and their general grossness and is convinced that they're always constantly crawling all over her.
the closing scene: TO BE CONTINUED. because in case anyone is wondering it can take weeks to get rid of fleas.  WEEKS.
all the rounds go to mac.  he wins all of the things.

someone help me.

the next step might be bug bombing the house.

and i need to know if it's frowned upon to bug bomb the house with the flea infested dogs in it.

i'm kidding.  kind of.

obligatory fall picture

i felt like posting a picture.

so lay off me.

mostly about chicken wings

tonight i'm going to eat chicken wings. more importantly boneless chicken wings.  buffalo wild wings i'm coming for you.
which leads me to this confession.
itotallycheckoutallmenusandplanwhati'mgoingtoeatbeforeigettotherestaurant.
did you catch that?  i don't want to have to repeat it because it pains me to say it out loud and mainly because shitler just rips on me incessantly for it.
but really - how can i not.  i think it's important to go in with a game plan of all the things i'm going to eat in order to insure that i've made a well-thought out choice.  nothing is worse than sitting at the table while the server impatiently stares at you because they have 8,000 more important things to be doing than listening to you mull over whether or not you want deep fried pickles (that's a joke - i always want deep fried pickles) but you get my point.  it's even worse (trust me - i know) when you start to panic and have to say the dreaded words "OMG take my order last!"
but anyway.  i didn't come here to lament to you all the ordering woes of our modern day society but instead to let you know what i think i'm going to eat tonight.  YOU'RE SO LUCKY.
first up.  immediately order water for guzzling purposes.  it's important to start out hydrated when facing a night of wings and booze.  then i'll move on to the things of alcoholic nature.  i haven't yet hammered out what i'm going to come out of the gate yet with.  specialty drink or beer.  beer or specialty drink.  only time will tell.  but then i'm going to order deep fried pickles because HELLO if you don't like and/or order them then i'm convinced that you're probably a terrorist.  and then my friends, since it's boneless thursday, means i'm going to roll up my sleeves and go balls deep on said boneless wings.  the only thing i haven't hammered out yet is the types of sauces i want because apparently the last time i went to buffalo wild wings it must have been the stone age and also the birthplace of simple sauces because upon looking at the menu there were like a kajillion new sauces that i have never heard of but immediately cued a pavlovian response.  typically i go straight for the tried and true hot because it's hot enough for me to enjoy but still be reasonably uncomfortable.   BUT NOW THERE ARE MORE CHOICES.   choices like jammin' jalapeno, desert heat, caribbean jerk (i think they always had this one), and thai curry and unfortunately i want to order all of them and then rub them all over my body which the more i think about the more i realize is a terrible idea because it might burn patches of my skin off and then people will think i'm doing krokodil. which i'm not.
so basically i have a general idea of the things i'm going to cram down my gullet later tonight. and i wanted you to know.  and i also wouldn't mind if you suggested a preference for sauce because it would help my addled brain a lot.  but like don't tell me the garlic kind whatever because i'll hit you.
p.s. this picture has nothing to do with chicken wings but i love it oh so much.