Friday, March 14

secret shopper

i probably shouldn't spill my secret ways here.
because from time to time shitler reads this and then corners me about what i've written when i'm least expecting it and then i can't even use my tried and true "i don't know what you're talking about" because he literally has written proof of something that i've declared for all of the internet to see.

to preface this post we need to remember that i gave up all things alcohol for four goddamn months.  and i feel like i'm not even in the home stretch.  like there's still fifty some days to go and i want to rage at everyone and their delicious boozy beverages.  so with that being said i've freed up funds that i used to spend on vodka and wine.  and albeit it was all cheap wine and vodka i've got to have saved monies because i've no longer had to buy a bevy of hangover beverages and foodstuffs that help said hangover be more bearable.

i for sure have more expendable income that a) i can spend on other things and b) deserve to spend on other things as a reward from staying away from the sauce and also dropping LBs.

and p.s. i am morally opposed to buying anything at full price and/or without some sort of discount code that i've spent hours scouring the internet for so nothing i ever buy is like a bad idea.  and i make it a point of telling shitler that.  like all the time.

but more importantly there are ways to bypass the bullshit of having to explain things to your other half about all the things that mysteriously appear in your home.  here are my ways.

1. have most things delivered to your work thusly enabling you to smuggle contraband into your home little by little and having to do little to no explaining.

2. certain things are always on backorder.  as in "no i ordered this a long time ago but they're just now shipping it to me."

3.  use the classic man flaw of not paying attention.  like "no, we have always had that.  you're just too busy watching sports center when i'm showing you things!  if you loved me you would pay more attention to me when i'm talking to you.  don't you love me?!!?!"

4. things were gifted to you.  it's not your fault that you have magical friends that like to buy you stuff.

5.  use dramatics.  "DON'T YOU WANT ME TO BE HAPPY?!  THESE THINGS MAKE ME HAPPY!"  or "NOTHING FITS ME ANYMORE I HAVE TO BUY THESE THINGS."  and my favorite "IT'S MY WEDDING AND I NEED NEW OUTFITS AND I DESERVE IT."


let's be honest.  i rarely feel bad about buying anything because hello i work two jobs and shitler spends forty dollhairz a week on bowling.  BOWLING.  so in my head we're even.  and mainly i deserve it.

also i have pictures of him like this.
i win.


and for funsies let's get with whit.
and fleetwood mac because duh.

Seven Wonders by Fleetwood Mac on Grooveshark
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14 comments

  1. I like to think I helped you write this because we've had so many discussions about it. You know my personal favorite is always the yell and guilt. Works every time.

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  2. I use the "back order" and "not paying attention" excuse all the time. I will use the gift excuse when there is a reason for my mom to buy me a gift... because she loves to spend way more money then I do and gives me an excuse to purchase something really nice for myself.

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  3. Haha! I use these all the time! I love switching things back on them, 'You never listen when I tell you things, you were fine with it then!' I sometimes have my bestie come in with one of my purchases and pretend like she bought it for me just because!

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  4. When he's home I just get up and shop before he even wakes up so by the time he is even conscious I have put everything away and am in the clear. But guess what- HE'S NOT HERE!!!
    One of the only perks of deployment- I can buy all the things and there's not a god damn thing he can do about it! The house will probably look 75% different by the time he gets home and I don't even give two fucks.

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  5. My co-worker ALWAYS gets stuff mailed to work.. that's a nice thing about being single. No one bitches about my ridiculous spending habits or looks at my credit card statement.

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  6. Haha. I love it!! What great ideas! I'll be using the backorder one asap!

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  7. I soooo needed these ideas. Husband and I had a little incident a few weeks back that went something like this: "What's in that bag? Why is that bag a big bag? Why do you need those shoes?" He's lucky he's still alive.

    Totally going with the backorder idea. Brilliance, pure brilliance.

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  8. I always have EVERYTHING shipped to my office, that way no one can judge me and my co-workers can think I am amazing because I like to pretend they are amazing gifts.

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  9. Haha my personal favorite is smuggling shit into the house when Im home alone and hiding it in my closet and bringing it out one by one. But yes... you deserve it! 2 jobs, wedding, no booze... something's gotta give.

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  10. Hahahaha this could not be more true. I'm reading it in bed and want to tell my husband how spot on this is but I would be throwing myself under the bus. So. True.

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  11. I just say- "I DO WHAT I WANT!!!!!!!!!" and if that doesn't work, a good cry never hurt anyone.
    And also. what manly men! BAHAHAHAHAH.

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c'mon.
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