Monday, March 24

shitler's shenanigans

am i the only bride to be that was like instantly excited at the thought of my bachelorette party?  like maybe a little bit more than the actual getting married thing?
and mainly when i envisioned my bachelorette i thought about everyone coming to my house and laying on couches and getting wasted while watching trash reality television.  god i'm a loser.  but then the planning began and things started to get awesome and then shitler started talking mad shit about how lame my bachelorette was going to be compared to his because girls are dramatic and everything will go wrong and we will have a terrible time.  and that should shock none of you because HELLO he is shitler.

but i digress.  because the point of this is that shitler's bachelor party was this weekend.  and originally he tried so desperately to act like he didn't even want one when in reality he is the biggest attention whore i know and to say that he wouldn't want an entire event revolving solely around him would be a lie.  so they planned something slightly low-key.  an afternoon at the cigar shop, a group dinner (like 35 penises together - WOOF), and then to a bar.
like i said - pretty low key.  except some people started drinking at noon.  and by the time everyone reached the bar were possibly beat up, black out drunk.  and then they got mouthy and lippy with a bouncer and got kicked out of the bar.  and then got the cops called on them while they were waiting for a ride.  and then they got argumentative with the cops.  and finally the cops had enough and carted them off to the drunk tank for like five hours to sober the two boys up.

for the record - it was not shitler.  it was shitler's brother and cousin and both ended up with disorderly conduct tickets but no shameful jail stories (i would make a joke about them being someone's bitch and/or dropping the soap but they weren't there long enough and also those jokes are so, so tired but it's also the only jail-type jokes i know.  besides toilet wine.  but i don't think toilet wine pertains here.  unless they started drinking their own toilet wine at noon which would make sense and bring things full circle).

but back to the story.  myself and one of my bridesmaids (who happens to be shitler's cousin) were called to go scoop up the drunks.  i was informed that shitler was "white boy wasted" and that he almost got kicked out of the bar; on account of him flipping off a bouncer behind said bouncer's back but being too drunk to realize that other bouncer's were around witnessing the whole thing.  and then someone puked all over my bridesmaid's car on the ride home.  as in all over the seats, all over the center console, and all over the other two people he was riding in the backseat with.  and one of the other passengers had to stand in his underwear on the side of the highway while puke was attempted to be removed from the car since his clothes were covered in vomit.  and shitler demanded that i stop the car at one point because he couldn't figure out how to get his phone out of his pocket.  joke was on him because the car was in park.
and bless his drunk little heart because he couldn't understand how to work my phone let alone my spotify but he was determined to listen to music and then this is how i found my spotify in the morning.

obviously i'm concerned.  about a lot of things.

but good things do sometimes come from being sober.
more specifically - pictures like this.

gumby in hand pass out picture.
and even better - when he was informed that he could lay down in a bed he exclaimed "I'M TRAINING!"  good for him.

p.s. i can't stop staring at my hair because HI it looks fantastic for like 3AM.

p.p.s. i'd like to treat you to the following conversations.
like an early x-mas present for you kids.

late night conversations with a drunken shitler:

shitler: why is your dad so good at foosball?
me: couldn't tell you.
shitler: but seriously.  he's so good at foosball.  he shouldn't be that good at foosball.  he kicked all of our asses.  he's like 80 years old.  he shouldn't be that good at foosball.  i don't get it.
me: my dad isn't 80 years old.

shitler: i can't wait to eat a sandwich tomorrow.
me: we'll need more lunch meat.
shitler: WHAT?  WHY?
me: tony made himself a sandwich.
me: he literally ate the sandwich right in front of you.
shitler: oh.

shitler: i wish i could get a boner right now.
me: why is that?
shitler: puss (as in pussy cat) - you know why.
me: ohhhhh ok.  then get a boner.
shitler: i can't.  i couldn't get a boner if mila kunis was here with one million dollars needing me to get a boner.
me: that's unfortunate.  
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  1. hahahahahahaha I love you so hard. This is ridiculous.

  2. his music choices are stellar...

    also, drunken shitler conversations are hilarious - WHY DID YOU NOT SNAPCHAT SHAME HIM?

  3. I just made the Saturday night dinner reservation for your bachelorette party. The name of the place is Double Cut Grill & Liquor Bar. LIQUOR BAR. Because are there other types of bars??? All I know is if it requires the name Liquor in their bar name, it must be more exceptional than your standard bar.

    1. SOOOOO it sounds fancy and also dangerous and i want cherries jubilee.

  4. I was thinking the same exact thing about your hair. And also how skinny you are. You whore.

    But really, basically you have a lot to live up to. Shitler set the bar PRETTY high...

  5. This is absolutely amazing! Every last bit of it, with exception to having to clean a vomit filled car, yuck! Love your hair, it makes me even more excited to be going blonder!

  6. I just choked on my coffee and bill is laughing too. you guys are a fucking HOOT!

  7. Why IS your dad so good at foosball, though?

  8. I'm seriously laughing so hard I'm crying! This is too funny!!!

  9. The last conversation just kills me… because when those boys get so drunk… it is absolutely true!


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