Wednesday, April 16

dudes that hit on you

hey guys.
i decided to try and show up to class today.  i can't guarantee that anything of quality will come out of this because i've been trying to take a decent poop all morning and it's really all i can think of.

but mainly i just want to talk about getting hit on.  
because i'm like really bad at it and tend to not even know it's happening.  

so my bachelorette party was this weekend.  and basically i was excited to drink everything in sight but then also being terrified that i would get sick and also gain ten pounds because HELLO CARBOHYDRATES HOW YOU VEX ME SO.  

but anyway saturday night was the going out and the night where you had to be around men and someone asked me if i got hit on a ton and i was all "ummm, not that i really recall."
because even if it had happened i always feel like a hummingbird when i'm a bar just flitting from one friend to the next, drinking things, and living in my own world.  like this.

so dudes just typically aren't even on my radar.  
and after this weekend i feel like there's two types of dudes that hit on things with vaginas.

dance floor predators
fast forward to me dancing by myself, and terribly mind you, and suddenly i'm caged in by a tall male and there's a denim trunk banging against my rump and none of it is appealing.
because first i'm not used to tall things.  i ring in it at a midget-sized 5' 1" and shitler maxes out at 5' 6" and we're basically the perfect match - vertically speaking.  but i digress because this giant's arms suddenly became a flesh cage and my backside felt violated and then he decided to ice the cake by serenading me with whatever terrible rap song was playing at that moment.  and it was then that i decided that the hot breath of a strange man singing sisquo-like songs in my ear is where i draw the motherfucking line and i bunny hopped away.
a good dancer i am not.

grasping at straws, last chance predators
it seems fitting that our night out at the bar would draw to a close with rain.  as in "raining cats and dogs," "sheets of rain," a "downpour," if you will.  but it was in that moment while i cradled a friend like a baby as she sobbed uncontrollably into my shoulder that i stumbled (due to the dead weight of said cradled friend) and almost fell into a boy standing close to me.  being the well-mannered person i am i apologized for almost falling into him and turned my attention back to whispering that "everything will be okay" to my friend.  it was in that moment that i felt a strange hand creep up the back of my dress and firmly cradle my right butt-cheek.  and it was the exact last thing that i needed while i stood in the pouring rain so i turned to him and said "could you please not grab my ass?  i appreciate the sentiment, sir, but kindly just don't."  and i think i confused him because his hand lingered on my ass cheek for like a thousand beats too long and his face looked confused but then he finally stopped with the rear grabbing and i could go back to enjoying being a drowned rat.

i'm sure i'm missing like a thousand other types of getting hit but those are the only two that happened to me and are therefore pretty much my favorite.

but good times were had by all.  here's evidence of that.

p.s. i'm sure you're all wondering about my poop and i just thought i should mention that i have taken said poop since beginning this post and it was a wonderful colon-cleansing poop.

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  1. It looks like you're singing Wilson Phillips on the dance floor. Could it be?

  2. I'm guessing it was probably the hokey pokey. Just look at those thumbs jutting out.

  3. Well, you left out a lot... but you also subbed that shit for literal shit. So, I just don't know.

  4. UGHHHHH guys in clubs are the WORST!!!! my friend and i just used to tell everyone that hit on us that we were lesbians and not the kind that lets a creepy guy join!!!! LOL

  5. i'm really happy for you and your poop. that shits distracting (pun intended).

  6. You crack me up. I don't know if I could have been so calm if a guy would have reached up my dress and grabbed my ass cheek. There may have been a left (or right) hook to the face in that one. Colon cleansing poops rock!!

  7. I still cannot handle how short you are. HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS?!?

    The bunny hopping...smooth move and I will need to remember it just because. In fact I'm going to bunny hop my ass out of the office right about now...

  8. I'm at my most awkward while getting hit on. I was pumping gas the other day and I guy rolled up on me in his pickup and yelled "Hey! You're beautiful. Are you married?" After about 10 solid seconds of just staring at him, I held up my engagement ring, still saying no words. I'm pretty sure he thought I was special needs after that.

  9. Oh boy you are fucking hilarious! But I find myself in the same position when I go out without my boy crew. And I'm like ewww gross just step off!
    Then butt and boobs still get all sorts of action when i go to the gay bars too...oh hey there...

  10. You legit look like the most fun person alive.


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