Friday, April 4

thirty days

there's like thirty-some days left till i will be officially like legally bound to shitler.
talk about terrifying.
one month till i'm married MARRIED to shitler.
barf.  kidding.

last night we had marriage counseling.
and by marriage counseling i mean the man that got ordained online in order to marry us meets us at the bar and him and shitler drink beers and we eat prime rib and laugh at each other and occasionally we talk about shitler and shannon related things.

but then some man was there.  a neighbor man.  and he butted his way in and and started asking us questions and demanding answers.  and it caused me to get twitchy because HELLO NEIGHBOR MAN YOU ARE NOT MY FRIEND, MY THERAPIST, OR THE MAN MARRYING US SO KINDLY SEE YOURSELF OUT.  but really you guys.  he asked me to tell him why i want to marry shitler and when i answered he proceeded to explain that people answer questions in three different forms.  child form, parent form, and adult form.  he said my response was a child response and then pressured me for my adult response.  and he wouldn't let shitler answer until i answered.  and then he poked and prodded and kept saying "well how does he care for you?  protect you?"  and in my head all i could think was "look motherfucker - keep this shit up and it's going to be you needing the protecting because i'm going to punch you in the sternum and then rip your goddamn dick off."  

because the deal is that me and shitler work because we just work.  and i don't need to explain anything to anyone.  we don't put each other on a pedestal (although i think shitler would like that because he's king of all the attention whores) and i am certainly no lady that would sit here and tell you that he makes me a better person.  because i think it's the opposite.  because we can be in a room full of remedials and we need to only make eye contact for a second and we instantly know all the terrible thoughts the other is thinking about all the remedial people.
and he's one of my all-time favorite people to sit around and talk shit about other people with.
and he's super duper fun to get ghost faced wasted with him and i also like to tell him things.
and i like to treat him like shit from time to time and be a super bitch to him. and i like that he just takes it.  and sure he protects me.  like one time he was going out of town and there was some rapist on the loose and he showed me how to load the guns so i could shoot that rapist should he try to home invade me and my vagina.  and i'm sorry if those are all my CHILD answers but i'm clearly a far ways off from ever being an adult and i'm ok with that.  
because if you don't marry someone that you want to fuck shit up with then you're doing it wrong.

if i was a rapper and had a mic i would drop it.
girl bye.

p.s. i really, really wish i was a rapper.

moral of the story i get married in thirty days and i don't like people therapist'ing me.
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  1. fuck other people making you justify your feelings. aint nobody got time for that.

  2. i bet neighbor man is either a) divorced or b) a closet cross dresser. PS any man who guards your va jay from rapers while also raping your va jay is a keeper

  3. Being married is the greatest feeling in the world! Congrats to you lady!

  4. What an ass. Neighbor dude is probably just super jealous he isn't invited to your shindig.. He can suck it!

  5. I don't think I would have been able to be nice to him. Actually I would have found a way to shun him out of the conversation. I hate conversation intruders like no other and get pretty bitchy when someone finds their way in. Yay- to 30 days.

  6. There's no reason for Neighbor guy to know your "adult" answer. What a dumbass!

  7. That man is stupid. You don't need to justify your relationship to anyone especially not some random dude in a bar. You work and are perfect for each other and that's all that matters!

  8. Ummmm what the hell that dude is SO rude!!?!!!

  9. Forget neighbor do you girl and marry that man in 30 days with your child answers :)

  10. Ooo... I like your version of marriage counseling!!!!! I feel like I want to take it even though I'm not engaged...!

  11. This would only be problem if you were planning to reproduce, which I'm legit thinking more and more that I'll NEVER do. Why eff somebody else's life up whilst enjoying your own??? So, if it makes you happy and you're not treading on any other American's "life, liberty, or pursuit or happiness," I'm 100% in favor. ... GO YOU.

  12. That neighbor guy would have made me so mad. Who made him an expert anyway? Every relationship is different!

  13. You're just my most favorite person ever. Props to you and your relationship, and for you having the strength to not dick-punch that dude in the mangina.


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