mexico part 1

assholes on a plane

going to and from mexico were two of the worst experiences of my life.  like ever.  like i had a migraine.  and my nose was assaulted by terrible, terrible smells and then terrible, terrible people.  like maybe i should have requested that responsibility to man the emergency door and then i could have taken matters into my own hands and just fucking bailed on the flight.

but i didn't.
so here are three things i learned while traveling to and from mexico.

1. do not, i repeat, do not bring smelly food on the plane.  
some delusional woman decided it would be appropriate to bring some sort of pita bread and stinky nuts into an enclosed space to share with her family and it made me want to claw my way out of the tiny plane window.

2. do not drink your fucking face off, then get picked up by the shuttle airport, and then fly to wherever your destination is.

for the record - that wasn't me.
and by the time the plane landed she was on her fourth barf bag.

3. if you're some washed-up-living-on-nostalgia-of-your-drunken-frat-boy-antics-from-ten-years-ago-piece-of-shit; just please don't be on the same flight as me.  because nobody cares about your stories, or your attitude, or your nonsense.

BUT - for blog purposes let's recap what i gleaned from this triplicate of douches.

josh has a wife named renee and a son named max and enjoys titty fucking.  chris got sued for defamation of character once (shocker).  this guys fishing trip is going to be fucking awesome.  women often ask josh to unzip his pants and if he was a single guy he'd fuck both those flight attendants.  they all like honest answers.  josh regrets not going on the alaska fishing trip but funds were tight.  chris may or may not be in the correct seat but they will be getting him a cornucopia.  they want to bring burritos back to the states and freeze them.  chris specializes in start up companies.  considered shot-gunning the bud lights they bought on the flight but decided to dial it back a bit.  they're going to catch some wicked and sinister fish.  their vocabulary still includes words like "epic" and "stellar" even though they're no longer college students living in some surf town.

so there we have it.  the first in a collection of posts about meh-hee-co.
brace yourself.

The Chain 'O Lakes Made Me Its Bitch

PREFACE: this was back when i thought not formatting the size of your pictures was like totally awesome.

sweet lord.
ever have one of those weekends where you require at least 48 hours in bed to recover?  or the phrase "i'm too old for this shit" comes to mind?  or it dawns on you that you're a loser compared to shitler's aunt and uncle - who are quite possibly the coolest people ever.  i mean - the type of people that know everyone and party harder than anyone i've ever met.  it's incredible.
i don't know how else to describe the events other then it included boats, water, booze, shitler licking men's faces, jack russell terriers, zero recovery time, tan lines like a motherfucker, more booze, bands, crazy bachelorette parties, booze, etc.

i can't do it justice in words - so bear with me as i inundate you with photos.

and then there's this picture.  which is pretty much my favorite.  because i don't know what's going on.  and i can't even imagine what the caption should be.

I Can't Stop YOLO'ing

in all seriousness - i'm just not equipped to do anything other than lay on my couch all weekend.

i'm not even exaggerating.   if i leave my house i end up doing something terrible to my liver.  if people come to my house i end  up doing something terrible to my liver.  it's best for all involved if i hole up in the living room and watch television shows that shitler judges me for watching and not communicate with anyone.

and this weekend was no different.  it involved copious amounts of alcohol, reading the second and third fifty shades of grey books (again) in less than 48 hours, and letting people write "YOLO" on me.  

i'm really not good at learning lessons.

here's a photo recap.  enjoy or destroy.



























and i know that people are annoyed with that damn "YOLO" expression, but it's really the best possible thing to respond to anything with.  seriously.

you really shouldn't drink that second bottle of wine.  it's tuesday.  "YOLO."

is that pizza on your diet?  "YOLO."

you have to go to work today.  "YOLO."

you skipped the gym again?  "YOLO."

you're honestly putting bacon on that?  "YOLO."

have you done anything today besides lay on the couch and watch game of thrones?  "YOLO."

you honestly bought a gun mug?  "YOLO."

are you going to put pants on today?  "YOLO."

do you ever do anything?  "YOLO.

i'm aware that all those things sound like something shitler would say to me.
or has said to me.  

i will neither confirm nor deny.

YOLO.