high five 4 friday and backing up asses

first and foremost i went to the mall again last night.
it only further solidifies the fact that i'm too old for that shit.
mainly because my idea of a good time isn't loitering at the mall around the candy dispenser machine looking like i just knocked off a hot topic.
and also i think i could have coped better with having been at the mall if i had been drunk.
but i wasn't.  so all i could think was "get me.thefuck.outofhere."
but i made it out alive.  thank the lord.
so let's get to the high-fiving of all things friday with lauren.

1. mac-dizzle has been extremely demanding all week.  like more so than usual.  the other night he approached me, dropped his bone on the bed, backed away a few steps and stared at me.  the general feeling i got from the encounter was "throw this bone, bitch."

2. the next night we had a situation i like to call "two dogs, one bathtub."  murphy lee enjoys hanging out in the bathtub from time to time so that's totally normal.  i think mac-dizzle just loves infringing upon murphy lee's alone time.

3. last dog-related thing.  i swear.  if you follow me on IG you'll know that i came from work one night and mac-diz had some sort of head wound and shitler didn't know how it happened.  don't worry.  i chastised him for being a terrible father and about how he should care a little bit more about the well-being of his children and that if he didn't watch his step DPS (doggy protective services) was going to get an anonymous tip.  but the head wound must have made him extra cuddly.  because he was all up in my shit more than usual.  yes - i have a fifty pound lap dog.

4. shitler is really cramping my wedding planning style.  i think it's only fair that he leave everything up to my discretion.  which i think might be the exact reason why he's involving himself in the first place.  he wasn't too receptive when i suggested the song below to be our official wedding song.  he wouldn't even entertain the idea that this was the song that i could walk down the mexican aisle to.  he's being a real scrooge and and i told him to lighten up.  but to avail.  he's vetoed the song.

i added to the bokeh hearts.  obviously.

lyrics include, but aren't limited to: "i love bad bitches that's my fucking problem.  and yeah i like to fuck, i got a fucking problem."  i think it could be really romantic.  and it even talks about dropping down and getting your eagle on which i think we all know doesn't happen enough.  and we could have dropped down and got our eagle on for our first dance.  but shitler rained on my parade.  THANKS A LOT SHITLER.

5. lastly, i didn't have a fifth thing to high five for the week.  so i dug back into the archives and found this sweet video of shitler singing to t-swizzle.  i've watched it like thirty-seven times.

and also in the spirit of #backthatazzupFriday with whitney - here's my jam.  for my jam session.

tell me something.

house reveal installment 3 - please come over?

so here is the reveal in more a detail-oriented form.
are you ready?  were you practically born ready?
i thought so.

so this is what it's like to be an adult.  and to buy things that don't necessarily serve a purpose but go with the overall aesthetic of what you're trying to go with in regards to your living space.
i just threw up in my mouth as i typed that - FYI.
because it's a joke.  
mainly the general feeling i was going for when people first come into the room is "what the fuck?  none of this even goes together."  but then - at a closer look they end up going "ohhhh, ya, i guess it kind of goes together.  in like a none-of-this-should-even-go-together-but-it-does way."

so let's break it down.

the throw pillows.  
which are very rarely serving the purpose they were purchased for by being on the couch because mac-dizzle gets into some sort of freak out spaz mode where he insists on rubbing himself all over the couches and in turn kicking them to the floor.  and don't mind the dog hair all over them.  i've come to just accept its presence in my life as a constant.

the wall furnishings.
besides the andy's i mainly just wanted some weird up on the walls.  like conversation pieces.  like people would think i'm sophisticated because of audrey but then see the other couple of pieces and be like "that audrey thing is a front.  this girl is whacked in the head."

an aside.
mr. poop is pretty prevalent here in the shitler household.

knick knacks.

like let me buy crap that will collect dust and look ridiculous and i'm one happy camper.

hence the hugging cats (which shitler refuses to accept as a representation of him and me.  maybe because we never hug).  or that weird ball thing in the background.  OR - lord hairless and a couple of gnome salt and pepper shakers.

lastly.

a sort of aerial shot of my tiny, but now cozy and more adult-like living room.

let's refrain from giving shitler any sory of props for this.

it goes straight to his head and his ego does need to be any bigger than it normally is.

DOES IT LOOK OK!?

well i'll be damned

it's no surprise that i'm flat-out obsessed with all things chuck palahniuk.
his books are gritty and and oftentimes offensive.  he's writes the type of books that contain characters that say all the things you wish you could say.  or think the type of thoughts that you assume make you a terrible person.  but it's honest and it's in your face.  you can't help but identify with the characters (and then hate yourself for it while simultaneously attempting to keep feelings of jealously at bay).  and although you may not share their characteristics identically he writes his characters as the inherently flawed people we all truly are.

damned is the most recent book of his that i've read.  and if you're into the struggling with the concept of heaven and hell then look no further.  he creates the most descriptive settings i have read in quite some time.  but if you can't stomach the thought of the "the sea of partial birth abortions" or  "the lake of tepid bile" then i'd steer clear.  
he describes hell as a place you can ultimately cope your way through.  if you have enough candy, if you know enough upper level demons, and if you happen to be meet the devil himself then hell is certainly a place you can navigate.  take along with you chuck's own version of the breakfast club as the characters and then throw in all the ways in which he describes you can get yourself damned and  you might catch yourself thinking twice about things you do.  like laying off the horn when you're driving.  or perhaps not using so much offensive language.  
in particularly - fuck (because if he's right then i'm fucked).  and then take into account that his protagonist is a thirteen year old little girl who thinks she's been damned because she OD'd on marijuana.
all of these things automatically make this book out of this world (pun intended).

i need you to read one of my favorite parts.
the scene: the main character's parents attempt to explain sex to her and then afterwards give her a roll of hello kitty condoms.

"now," my dad says, "when a man loves a woman very, very much..."
"or," my mom adds, shooting him a look, "when a man loves a man or a woman loves a woman."  in the fingers of one hand, she still toys with the scrap of red grosgrain ribbon.  my father nods.  "your mother is right."  he adds, "or when a man loves two women, or three women, backstage after a big rock concert..."  
"or," my mom says, "when a whole cell block of male prisoners love one new inmate very, very much..."
"or," my dad interjects, "when a motorcycle gang making a meth run across the southwestern united states loves one drunken biker chick very, very much..."

in closing, i would recommend anything that chuck writes.
i think he's flawless.  but maybe don't take my word for it.  maybe just read something by him. 
i promise he won't let you down.

a general message

you'll have to excuse me.
but since my tumble down the stairs yesterday morning (sober, might i add) i've been out of sorts.
shitler keeps poking the bruise on my ass, it hurts to sit down and it feels like how they describe the day after a car accident.  so i don't have anything worthwhile to contribute (not that i ever do).

other than my message to all flights of stairs.

p.s. you should head over to samm's blog where she will be holding people accountable for talking out of their ass and then pretending it never happened by deleting comments and editing their original post.  it's gonna be a treat.

you win monday - YOU WIN.

you know how i know it's monday?
because i woke up and then promptly fell down the stairs.
i blame my socks - which have whales on them - and coincidentally it probably sounded like something whale-size was falling down the stairs.  and like my life didn't even flash before my eyes.  
mainly because i was like a first-time parent and frantically/overly concerned with the well-being of my iPhone.

#priorities.  

so on this monday i only have some scraped fingers and a bruised ass.
let's take a look at the scoreboard.

monday: 1 
shannon: 0

what about the weekend, you ask?  
the weekend was a bust and i did nothing fantastical.
i came home from work after a fourteen hour workday on friday and immediately got hysterically excited when i saw that my crap from forever 21 was waiting for me.
it included some jewelry i didn't need and also a pair of shoes that i've been waiting for my whole life.  so imagine my disappointment when i tried on the shoes and realized they were a size too small.  and then imagine the nightmare i'm envisioning when i'm going through the fact that i'm going to have to fill out the stupid return/exchange paperwork and then ship them back and then wait for them to ship the size that fits.
#firstworldproblems
but then it dawns on me that maybe there's a forever 21 at one of the dreaded malls.  so i google.  and find that there is, in fact, a forever 21 that's only thirty-five minutes from me.  so the next morning i head to the mall (which i'm convinced is one of the seven circles of hell) to see if i can locate the shoes of my dreams in the correct size.  but i was promptly reminded of why the mall is practically hell on earth.  because if you enjoy feeling like you're at the club at 10am and also enjoy being generally ignored by everyone working at forever 21 then i suggest you drop everything you're doing and head there right now.  suffice it to say - i'll have to resort to mailing the shoes back on my own because it was impossible to get any sort of help from any living breathing human being that worked at that store.

on the bright side - i met my new best friend bernie.

but literally.  my weekend was filled with nothing except working, then working out, then eating healthy type foods, and then going to sleep.

please tell me about yours.

let me live vicariously through you.

high five 4 friday

let's thing that trey songz song together.  "i only came here for two reasons - yaaaaaaaaaaaa - i only came for the bitches and the drinks, the bitches and the drinks."  there's for sure more to that song but that's the only part i can remember and i just want to jam to it because it's friday, ya'll and we should all go to the bar for just those two reasons.

but let's get to the business at hand.  high-fiving friday with lauren.

and before we get into this i need to tell you something about my mutts.  those two couldn't be more different.  
mac-dizzle is an attention whore with a constant need for close contact and affirmation (much like shitler) while murphy lee is more of a "i'm going to go lay under the stairs because it's quiet there and you people are annoying the shit out of me (like me)."  with that being said - here we go.

1. mac in all his remedial glory.  like whatever all up in someone's shit like all the time.  he does that thing where he nudges you with his snout until you pet him.  and then when he doesn't feel like that's enough he lays his paw on your leg and gives you those eyes as if he's demanding more attention.  not to mention he will for sure take up more room than he even deserves on the couch.

 2. and then there's this guy.  who like when you wake up from a nap just happens to be watching you sleep. 
which is totally normal and not at all weird.

3. apparently there was a giant weather-type test thing for all of southeastern wisconsin.  i took a screen shot of it because it was hilarious but then got immediately annoyed because everyone and their mom posted about it on facebook like they actually thought it was legit.  #amateurs

4. the other night i just happened to be walking to the bathroom while at the neighbor's house and happened upon this.  because she wanted all the cheesy puffs.  and she couldn't be fucking bothered with that stupid bag.  and she's also very pleased with herself.

5. i've cashed this book in a matter of days.  it's just so good i can't put it down.  and i've been obsessing and sometimes on the verge of tears because the characters are just that amazing.  i googled when the movie was going to come out on dvd and then freaked out when the internet told me april 30th.  LUCKILY - some theaters are still showing it.  so i've managed to strong-arm shitler into going to a sexy matinee with me on sunday so i can drool over jennifer lawrence and he can ogle bradley cooper.

ANYWAY - enough about me.

what are you high-fiving this week?