Textual Feeling: No, You Can't Stick Your Finger In There

a quick aside.  in that my day is crap.  but then it gets a little bit better than crap.

when i was little and had pink eye or some other eye infection shit and needed eye drops put in my eyes - all bets were off.  one parent had to hold me still, while the other had to use their fingers to stretch out my eye and put the drops in.  then i would scream like they were dropping acid in my e yes.  to this day, i'm terrible with eye drops and anything eye-related.  which is why i don't wear contacts.  but then i don't always wear my glasses so then i get massive headaches and my eye sight just gets worse and worse.  but i just continue suffering rather than do something to remedy the situation.  like just wear my fucking glasses.

is this going somewhere, you ask?

yes.  it is.

for some fucked up reason i could not sleep last night.  it was awful.  the type of "you can't sleep" that has you staring at your significant other like you're going to murder them in their peaceful slumber because you're so goddamn jealous.  

anyway, i slept for an hour.  which was pointless and i should have just stayed up all night because the hour of sleep didn't do shit except make me crabby, whiny, and psychotic-looking with my red, irritated eyes.  

miraculously, i found eye drops in my purse.

and tried to administer them at my desk.

which was a terrible idea.

because i drained half the bottle because i keep freaking out and missing my eye and squirting it all over my face so it just looked like i was hysterically crying.  

happy fucking friday.

but then seriously.  happy fucking friday.  because i forgot i had this in the freezer:

[caption id="attachment_1657" align="aligncenter" width="1024" caption="but now i have gut rot. because i ate too much and too fast."][/caption]

b: sweet mullets?

me: i want to make cupcakes first.  i've had a rough day.

b: can i come over and stick my finger in your better?

me: butter or butthole?  i'm confused.  i'd be pissed either way.

b: batter.

me: no, i forbid it.

b: that's awfully ride.
b: rude.  goddammit!

me: good job.

Cupcakes, Champagne, and KFC

i called shitler this afternoon.  with a purpose.  to inform him what time we were going to my grandparents for dinner.  when he called me back - it was to tell me that he had KFC for lunch.  like i gave a shit.  he launched into the specifics of his meal.  

2 piece original recipe, macaroni and cheese, and a biscuit with honey.  

to which i reacted with disgust.

me: honey is gross.

shitler: no, it's not  it's good.  i didn't even know.  they didn't have any jam - so i was all, gimme some fucking honey!

me: i have to go back to work.  this has been a waste of my time.

shitler: i'm going to fucking kill you.

me: k, byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye.

it's like he bluffs for a living.  and makes empty threats.  whatever.



it's not kfc - but it's liver sausage.  and i've never met anyone that loves it more than shitler does.  he would eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner if he could.

but that's neither here nor there.  i'm going to make these cupcakes this weekend.  only because it gives me an excuse to buy champagne.  one bottle for cooking.  two or more for consumption.  a twitter/college friend is going to as well.  and then we will battle it out via pictures.  although i'm the most concerned with how much champagne she can consume.  and perhaps how many cupcakes she can eat without puking.  so stay tuned.

A Series In Poor Choices

i just wanted to lay in bed all day and watch bedknobs and broomsticks.  but no.  it's wednesday.  and i had to work.  while hungover.  severely.  

so severely that i ate my lunch before 9am.  so severely that i didn't even heat it up - just dunked a cold hamburger patty in lemon poppy seed dressing.  i'm a fucking wreck.

in my defense - it was shitler's last night of bowling and i can't tolerate being at that fucking place when i'm sober.  so i indulged.  and now i'm paying the price.  here's a few ridiculous fucking pictures from last night:

[caption id="attachment_1624" align="aligncenter" width="1024"] me. and the wheez.[/caption]



[caption id="attachment_1626" align="aligncenter" width="1024"] because normal pictures would be too easy.[/caption]

oh, good news.  shitler is the champion of his fantasy football league.  

also, he got a trophy.



what's that?  you don't care?  ya, me either.

but i do like trophies.

[caption id="attachment_1629" align="aligncenter" width="1024"] and shoving them up people's asses.[/caption]

and apparently shitler and i can take a decent photo together:



you'll have to excuse me.  i need more bayer advanced strength.  and another gallon of water.  if there were a contest for being the most dehydrated - i would win.

but today wasn't all bad.  i remembered that i did hit the eight ball in to win a game of pool last night.  i only won because b was my partner and he got every other ball in.   i'm not even joking.

and then my friend the super fox sent me the best text in the world.  seriously.  it was this and only this:

but now i'm concerned.  does jeff have cancer?  and why is his hair like that?

also - i would post a picture of the super fox and me but i don't have one.  and upon thinking about it - i don't know if i do want one.  because she's infinitely gorgeous and i am infinitely not.  

also - my hand smells.  that is all.

I Peed

because these three things made me constantly lol today:

[caption id="attachment_1616" align="aligncenter" width="360" caption="who doesn't love a good palindrome?"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1617" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="only one of those claims is true."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1618" align="aligncenter" width="280" caption="i'd never turn down a taco."][/caption]

ok, 4 things.  because this came in the mail:

[caption id="attachment_1619" align="aligncenter" width="1024" caption="now i'm just impatiently waiting for the goddamn book."][/caption]

i just want her book in my paws.

Thank You, Mrs. Seinfeld

seriously.

thank you, mrs. seinfeld - for these fucking cookies.  because they're delicious.  deceptively so.  check out her site here.




just ask shitler - who balked when he saw me dump a can of these into the mixer:



so, you should totally make them.  and then eat enough to make you want to kill yourself because your stomach hurts so bad.

ingredients:

• nonstick cooking spray


• 1 c. firmly packed light brown sugar


• 3/4 margarine spread


• 2 large egg whites


• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract


• 1 (15 oz) can chickpeas, drained and rinsed


• 2 c. semisweet chocolate chips


• 2 c. flour


• 1/2 c. old-fashioned oats


• 1 teaspoon baking soda


• 1/4 teaspoon salt

directions:

1. preheat the oven to 350 degrees.  coat a baking sheet with cooking spray.
2. in a large bowl or mixer bowl, beat the sugar and margarine until smooth.  beat in the egg whites and vanilla, then the chickpeas and chocolate chips.  add the flour, oats, baking soda, and salt, and mix on low speed until thick dough forms.
3. drop the dough by the tablespoon onto the baking sheet, spacing the cookies about 2 inches apart.  press gently with a fork to flatten.  bake until the cookies are golden brown, 11-13 minutes (i did mine for 13).  transfer to a rack to cool.



this creep stared at the whole time.  while shitler watched HIMYM.



and then we had fucking chicken patty sandwiches like we were back in high school.

Sweet Mullets

i can't even begin to tell you how much i love sweet mullets.  

by far, the most fantastic bar discovery of all time (thanks to wendy and ryder).

this bar is all wisconsin.  if it's not produced in wisconsin - they don't carry it.
so beer and cheese abounds.  and i couldn't be any happier.







 

sunday may have been one of the best days of my life.  because after indulging in beer and cheese to the point that it forced me into a happiness coma - i got to hold a baby!  again (i'm still in shock that people let me hold their babies)! 

be prepared for a barrage of fucking cute baby pictures.  

sommer is the sweetest thing on the face of the planet.
i fucking dare you to tell me otherwise.

[caption id="attachment_1590" align="aligncenter" width="1024" caption="those fingers look goddamn delicious."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1591" align="aligncenter" width="1024" caption="face time."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1592" align="aligncenter" width="764" caption="i would eat that crusted drool on her face she's so perfect."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1593" align="aligncenter" width="1024" caption="simba and rafiki. classic lion king pose."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1594" align="aligncenter" width="1024" caption="i like to smell my food before i eat it."][/caption]

this post is about practically nothing and everything at the same time.

sorry.