Wednesday, May 22

waiting in real life

things you should know about your server and what they're probably thinking.

1. the less we have to talk to you the better.
if i had a dollar for every time i had to stand at a table with an armload full of dishes listening to people talk about their lives i would have at least $100.  i'm sorry sir/ma'am - but you are virtually a stranger to me and i could not give less fucks about what's going on in your life.  i'm here to drop off your food and then maybe check on you one more time.  do you want more booze?  i can make that happen.  otherwise - let's keep the chatter to a minimum.

2. you are not a pig and this is not a trough.
it's absolutely atrocious the way some adults eat.  you could not have MADE a bigger mess.  there could not be MORE soy sauce soaking the tablecloth.  and i'm sorry but how did so much of your meal end up on the floor.  this makes zero sense.  seriously - did you eat anything?  i would also rather you not acknowledge the mess.  i don't know what's worse.  that you somehow think it's appropriate to eat in this manner or to joke about it afterwards.

3. your jokes don't pay my bills.  nor do your coupons.
fun fact: the people that are jokey mcjokerson with you and the ones that you think you have a great repoire with are the ones that leave the shittiest of tips.  it's like they magically think that in a matter of an hour you've forged a meaningful relationship and that either that killer joke they just dropped on you or the fact that you should just really like them by now means they don't have to leave you a decent tip.  fun fact: my pal john mayer once waited on a table of regulars.  and when all was said and done they left him a $5 tip on a $100 bill and some BOGO coupons to culvers.  really you cheap skanks?

4. order dessert and i will go ballistic in the back.
it never fails that people decide to order dessert at the most inopportune time during service.  i might be the only server that doesn't care that it will up the bill and maybe get me more of a tip.  i just want you gone.  because in the middle of having to bring you a piece of fucking triple chocolate cake i probably have to drop off six drink orders, split a check, and pretend to enjoy a joke.

via
5. referring to yourself in the third person is not cute.
any server will tell you that the worst season to be a server is high school dance season.  it's the most horrifying time of the year and it happen three times a year; homecoming, the girls ask the guys dance, and prom.  it usually means you get a giant group of high school kids that all order waters, MAYBE an appetizer, and then ask for thirty-seven split checks.  it's a nightmare.  even worse when high school students think it's cute to refer to themselves in the third person.
just recently i had the joy of waiting on a young lady who insisted on referring to herself as michelle obama in the third person.  things like "uhhhh michelle obama would like another diet coke!" as she so helpfully held her glass in the air and jingled it around so the clinking of the ice cubes would get my attention.  or "michelle obama needs her check now!"  i can honestly say that it's the first time i ever came so close to punching the first lady in the face.

6.  just because you bring your child to a restaurant doesn't automatically mean this is a daycare.
control your child.  teach them how to behave in a public place.  this restaurant isn't a jungle gym.  they shouldn't be sitting at the bar because it takes up a seat for someone who will buy drinks and tip the bartender.  i don't want to run back and forth to get your child cherries on a tiny sword.  if your child is underfoot and i'm carrying a large, extremely heavy tray of food containing knives and also bowls of hot curry i won't even feel bad if it falls on them.  and don't test me.  i will hang your child on the coat rack.  if i had a bucket list that exact thing would be on there.

7. don't be a dick.
if you've ever served then you're with me on this.  limit the amount of trips i have to make back to your large table by maybe taking stock of your cocktail when someone else is ordering their new one. having to make ten separate trips for each person after they've ordered their drinks is a pain in my ass.  less trips = i don't have to talk to you = shannon is a happy-ish camper.  also remember to be patient.  if i'm running around like a lunatic it's obviously for a reason.  you are not the only person i'm waiting on in this restaurant.  and please know that the faster you eat, drink, pay, tip, and the GTFO the better for everyone involved.

know that i will like you if you leave me things like this:


and know that this is what i would rather do than wait on tables.
just dick around with my friends.




Gin and Bare It

39 comments

  1. You are that girl from Waiting. I knew it!!!!

    "mmmmmmmmmmmmm that does sound niiiiiice" walks around the corner.... "like your fat ass needs that dessert!!!"

    - Cardinal rule #1... don't fuck with the person handling your food!!!

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  2. Not sure about you but I can totally tell what kind of tip I will receive based on how they order their steak cooked!

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  3. Ahhh, I agree with ALL of these.

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  4. you need a new job lady. what's worse is the people who stay hours talking taking up all your time and leave nothing. i always feel obligated to leave a bigger tip if the person i'm with is a dick or a cheapass

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    1. I always end up slipping more money into the check if I see this happening!!!

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    2. you're both fucking angels.

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  5. When I worked at a restaurant I hated people who let their kids run around or make a huge mess. Now having a baby I understand they are messy, but I pick up after Levi if he drops food on the ground. And I hate people talking in third person in general and especially would have been mad if she was referring to herself as Michelle Obama. I may have punched her.

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  6. lol that sword-weilding riceman is awesome.

    and you're right; tantrum-throwing brats in restaurants (or anywhere for that matter) are the worst. if my daughter behaved that way, i would not take her anywhere!

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    Replies
    1. he was perfection. too bad i couldn't have preserved him somehow.

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  7. Bullshit on #3. My husband jokes with you. And leaves good tips. Redact that.

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    1. SHUT IT FOY.
      otherwise i won't be making any inappropriate dessert plates for you.

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  8. come serve me bitch! I'll keep you at my table allll night but only cos I love you :)

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  9. Waiting is the best movie ever. Waiting tables were some of the best and worst times I've ever had.

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  10. Oh man....too too true... even though I only served one summer I learned enough to never do it again. I can't wait on people, I'm way too evil. And people suck.

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  11. Waiting is one of my favorite movies because it's like someone spied on us while I was working at O'Charleys and then made a movie about it. Even though I was just a hostess, I know exactly how stupid customers can be.

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  12. I love the little dude outta rice. I'd love that customer, too.

    I always order dessert as an appetizer. I eat it first. If I order it last, I would never be able to have room to eat it. :)

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  13. I gotta admit I dont' always fucking read posts but holy amaze balls this was amazing. totally sharing the shit out of this shit

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  14. Oh god. I promise I won't tell jokes to servers EVER AGAIN.

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  15. Omg should I just not speak?! I'm a big talker. I need to learn to can it. I love this, for real , super informative

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  16. I always get so tempted to clothesline kids when they're booking it around my booth.

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    Replies
    1. please come to the restaurant and do that exact thing so i can laugh.

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  17. I had to leave the restaurant industry because it was not a healthy place for a borderline alcoholic like me, and I hated working on weekends, but I did it for a long ass time and waiting tables really shows you what assholes a vast majority of people really are.

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  18. One of my friends is real into "getting to know" our servers every time we go out and even though I have tried to stop her she does not listen. Lately I have been seriously considering picking up bar shifts on the weekends for the extra cash....so thank you for reminding that on top of my full time job it really won't be worth the severe alcoholic dependence it is bound to create in me!

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    1. it's usually not worth it. but then there's those damn weekends where you make just a disgusting amount of money and you convince yourself it's not that bad. like until the next weekend and then you still hate it.

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  19. hahahahaha oh my god. I can related to EVERY single thing on this list down to the soy sauce and awesome rice sculptures. Amazing. We are pretty much asian server soulmates.

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  20. ugh, I've never worked as a server, so this does provide some insight. I think the most annoying thing that I do to servers is have a plethora of food allergies, so I'm constantly asking if food on the menu is gluten free. I imagine it's a pain in the ass. I'm sorry!

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  21. dear god this makes me so happy that I am no longer a server. while the money was pretty good it was NOT worth it for me.

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  22. I was a server before and I can feel you on this one. Seriously there were times when I had to go back and forth to a table five times because the people in their party kept wanting something else and all they would say is oh, sorry I forgot. That was the most annoying thing ever. Since I was a server before I do the best I can to be patient and order properly. We even clean the table up after eating rather than leaving a huge mess for the bus boy to clean up because it just sucks. If that's not how you would eat at home why would you elsewhere.

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    1. i am so, so paranoid about making sure not to ignore people. like i'm lazy but i surely don't want you to bitch at me for not taking care of you. begrudgingly of course.

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  23. This is AWESOME! I haven't waited tables in a few years and DON'T miss it....but I'm considering quitting my job and going back to school which means I'd probably have to go back to....waiting. Catch motha fuckin' 22, yo.
    I remember thinking ALL the things you think. The dessert part being at the top. It's part of the reason I NEVER order dessert and when I DO order it I look around at my waiter's section to see how much she/he is getting f*cked up the ass without lube.
    Anyway, get it girl!

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    1. YOU'RE SO CONSIDERATE about the anal stuff the restaurants tend to pull.
      the cash can be just so, so lovely. it always just sucks us idiots right back in.

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  24. So I was a cocktail server for a few years, took a year off, went back for three days and said "fuck all that". People are the cheapest things ever....I was dying reading this ,because seriously everything was so true. I actually once had a group of kids ask me to help them cover their check. YEP they not only didn't have enough to tip me, they wanted me to pay $2 of my own money just to cover their bill. I'm sorry but if I had seen their parents I probably would have punched them.

    I'm so paranoid about tipping I usually tip about 35% even if the service was shitty, cause I know how it is. You're Wonder Woman for doing what you do.

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  25. I have never been a server, but Greg has and so we always try our BEST to be considerate. But after reading this I feel like a big ass hole because I have never made a 'tato snow man for my server.

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  26. Ha I really enjoyed that post. Ive never done serving, but my friend does and some of your points were exactly like hers. I can't belive someone left your friend a BOGOF coupon! x

    http://heroineinheels.blogspot.co.uk/

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    1. YA A BOGO coupon. they couldn't even be decent enough to give a coupon for something free. dude had to spend money.

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  27. I have been a server for seven years and this post could not be more spot on. Especially the pig and the trough. Eh...people are disgusting.

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    1. YES - disgusting and so entitled it's ridiculous.

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  28. As someone that spent 15 years in the hospitality industry I agree with all of this.

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