Monday, September 15

insert joke about light bulbs {here}

today marks me officially not having shitler around for one whole week.
and in that time i've done things like listen to a lot of alanis morrisette's "jagged little pill" album on repeat and at an obscene level, go to bed at 7:30PM, watch far too much big love, and eat various foods in bed free of any type of judgement from that son of a bitch i married.

but there have been a few hiccups along the way.
and i'm going to discuss them with you.

at the risk of being criticized after this post let me preface by saying that i can do anything myself.
but, due to my laziness, there a whole lot of them that i would prefer not having to do.  like ever.  and as a result they've become things that shitler does and in exchange i do things that he doesn't like to do.

case and point being the following.

shitler things:

change lightbulbs
take out the trash
check the dipstick thing on cars
refill my wine glass
fix broken shit
lift various heavy things

shannon things:

dishes (because, in his defense, he does a terrible job and it gives me a coronary to endure it)
general house clean up
drink wine on the couch
let him watch whatever shows he wants while i read kindle smut

and i like to think that it's a pretty fair trade-off.

quick aside.  for the love of everything in the universe i'm not suggesting that any of the above things should be or are gender specific.  it's just that he can take out the trash in the dead of winter when it's cold and the hill is slippery and i'll just stay cocooned in a pile of fresh out of the dryer laundry and we'll call it even.

but the point is that i've had to do all the stuff off of my list and far too much off of shitler's list in his absence.  like taking the garbage up the hill?  UGH my girl arms are weak and they get tired easily.  and the boxes full of my party lite treasures are heavy and i've just had to kind of maneuver them around the room and out of my way because they're too heavy to lift (girl arms, remember?).  and i swear all the light bulbs in the house had a meeting when i was in chicago and decided it would be appropriate to stop working all at the same time.  which was thursday night.  NIGHT.  as in it's dark and things are scary and i didn't even know if we had lightbulbs and yes i'm fully capable of changing them but the fact of the matter is that i don't feel i should have to.  so letting the dogs out in the dead of night became something out of a horror movie for me on thursday and friday night.  because i was scared that some sort of demon would show its face in the window and i would die of fright.  OR that i would let a woodland creature into the house because it's so dark out that i wouldn't be able to tell if it was murphy lee or like a skunk.  IN MY DEFENSE THEY ARE BOTH BLACK AND WHITE.

but back to the lightbulbs.  because they needed to be changed.  and don't worry there were no demons in the window nor did i let a skunk in.  crisis averted.  but saturday morning i decided to take on the motherfucking day and change those motherfucking lightbulbs.  the ones in the house were relatively easy; and by easy i mean i only had to spider monkey/straddle a desk and the stair railing in order to swap out the bulbs.  but then there was the matter of the outside light.  shitler had instructed me that there were screws that i would need to remove and I BETTER NOT FUCKING LOSE THOSE SCREWS and i was like FINE QUIT YELLING (this all happened via text so there was no yelling but it sounds better the way i tell it) and so then naturally i asked the following question:

and in my defense before you rip on me for asking if i need a screwdriver for the screws there are situations in which you sometimes don't need to use a screwdriver because little suckers can be be unscrewed with my nimble, lady fingers (lol also a cookie).  but not in this case.  apparently a pliers is necessary.  and let me point out that shitler took all of his tools with him so now i'm plier-less and also outdoor light-less and life is bullshit.  so naturally i went rooting through the house like an aardvark (used the spelling trick from the cartoon "arthur" to knock out that spelling on the first try) and managed to locate shitler's ice fishing pliers.
as in the pliers that he uses to wrench the hook out of the fish's mouth.  as in - there's probably gross fish guts all over the thing but oh well it will have to do.  and then i to hose down the house because giant spiders (un-charlotte types) spin their webs around that light fixture and it makes me skin crawl.

but i managed it all on my own.  no screws were lost, no spiders crawled into my ears and laid eggs, and i didn't slip and fall off the rickety chair i was standing on.  SO I WIN.  I WIN EVERYTHING.

because fuck this burned out light bulb.

and also fuck this interaction with shitler.

so yes.  this was just one long, drawn out complaint about me having to do things that i don't want to do.
like change light bulbs.  and the answer to the joke about how many shannons does it to take to change a light bulb is one.  just one.  albeit begrudgingly. 

p.s.  i felt it my duty to find the arthur video.  and also watch it twenty-eight times.  A-A-R-D-V-A-R-K

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    jason does the dishes. but laundry is a BIG NO after he ruined two of my FAVORITE shirts by putting all the clothes in the machine together and dark jeans ran dye onto them. officially cut off. and when he offers to do the laundry i almost say yes then i remember the beloved shirts that are RIP and i get mad at him for even suggesting such a mutiny all over again!

  2. seriously - this post had me LOLing! "take it back, i'm uncomfortable." hahaha And hey, I know for a fact that you weren't sleeping at 7:30PM tonight... we were too busy working out this border collie marriage arrangement and future grandpuppy adoption.

  3. "take it back i'm uncomfortable" is my new favorite. I'm pretty sure I would react the same way if Mr. Mystery called me boo. I'm just not hip enough for that shit.

  4. i love you. you crack me up. thanks, boo. :]

  5. This is hysterical, but I feel your pain. When I first moved out on my own, it amazed me how complicated seemingly simple tasks could be. The way our lightbulbs unscrew in my current apartment is always enough to give me a headache.

  6. We have imaginary lists in our house too... Trash is the top of Tim's list as is changing light bulbs.

  7. shitler is my new favorite person. just don't tell him i said that.

  8. You are a better woman than me. I don't do anything on Tim's 'list' when he isn't around... I just wait for him to come back and take care of everything. One time I even set up a new garbage can so I wouldn't need to open up the other one because it smelled so bad but I was NOT taking the garbage out. I'm not proud of this, but it happened.


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