Tuesday, December 23
Thursday, December 18
i'll give you some time to make an educated guess as to which asshole dog did it.
you guessed mac, didn't you?
DING DING DING.
you don't get a prize because i'm broke but i'll give you a virtual high five.
i hope he enjoyed the old sour cream left in this container.
i assume he did because the container was so clean you would think i ran it through the dishwasher.
i made a box of salmon burgers last night. i'd never had them before and they seemed questionable and i made all four that were in the box because i figured "hey, leftovers for lunch." but it turned out that they were gross. so i put them back in the box they came from and threw them in the trash.
apparently mac thought they were delicious.
delicious salmon burgers with a cardboard bun is what mac apparently enjoyed as a midnight snack.
so i cleaned it up and then made him pose by his late night dinner buffet.
when shitler gets back i'm refusing to do anything for two weeks.
I DESERVE IT.
p.s. i have never met a dog that looks so cute while being so naughty. it vexes me.
Tuesday, December 16
Monday, December 15
in reality i'm sure i looked like this:
the gentleman handed me back the book and i sweetly thanked him, once again, and hauled ass to the kitchen. once i arrived back in the kitchen i couldn't stop laughing. like at all. the entire thing had given the kind of lolz that i couldn't control and just kept bubbling out. i managed to get the story out to the manager and truly it felt like i had just been reprimanded by my father. like the gentleman shorted me the five dollar discount that i had forgotten and then went above and beyond to dock my tip another three dollars. almost as if to punish me further and perhaps teach me a lesson about forgetfulness.
in all fairness - i had forgotten the discount and that's my bad.
but truly this gentleman was a prick.
shit happens. restaurants get busy and things get forgotten. but you bet your ass that i try and make up for it and go above and beyond to fix whatever mistake i made and be honest about it.
at the end of the day if that man feels way good about himself for shorting me on a tip because of a mistake i made that i offered to fix then so be it. i'll take my ten doll hairz (that i had to tip out on to other people so really i only made eight doll hairz on that table) and i'll enjoy the taco bell it bought me and i hope, you sir, enjoy your miserable life.
Friday, December 12
and i made myself a shake. a delicious peanut butter chocolately number that was simply divine. and then i washed each and every piece, dried them, and put everything back in the box and left it next to the kitchen table because i knew the shakes would be a repeat offense. fast forward to 2AM. and being rudely awakened by shitler with a rough shake and the following words: "hey. HEY. did you use the blender we got as a wedding gift?" as i blearily tried to understand what the fuck was actually happening shitler shook me again and asked the same question and when i rolled over to look at the clock and processed what was happening i was all "no shit sherlock yes i did use it. what gave it away?"
and at this point it finally dawns on me that it's late as balls and shitler has had some cocktails and he is apparently quite miffed that i've used the blender. so the conversation continues and shitler says "but i don't understand why you would use it. we agreed that we weren't going to use any of the wedding gifts until we bought a house." and i was all "i wanted to make a shake. how do you propose i do that without a blender?" and shitler was all whiney and went "but we were supposed to use these gifts together..." and i was like "OMG it is 2AM. what would you have liked me to do?
tape the box up and act like i never used it?" and he quietly murmured "well, yeah." and then i rolled over and barked at him to shut off the lights and go to sleep.
Tuesday, December 9
p.s. i took the trash up this morning. now there's sauerkraut all over the top of my car. #rude
Monday, December 8
for indiana. for two weeks. and i waited a beat and looked at my calendar and got like instantly annoyed. because shitler was all "you'll probably have to do all the x-mas shopping yourself."