Friday, June 29

High Five 4 Friday

zang zadam.
heyyyyyy friday.  i'm so glad you're here.  like, seriously glad.  because it's been awhile and i hate when we go this long without seeing each other.
so here's my link up with lauren over at from my grey desk.
1. foy gave me this wine stopper for my birthday (which was back in my may and i'm just getting it now because we went an eternity without seeing each other).  i'm pretty pumped.
except it's forced me to not ingest a bottle in one sitting so that i can actually use the wine stopper.

2. the game of thrones series, in all of its entirety, will be the death of me.  i don't have the show till february so i have been obsessively reading the books.  obsessively in such a way that it feels like real life gets in the way.  and by real life i mean work, and shitler, and showering.

3. shitler is a clever fox.  i'll give him that.  i never did get sgt. bilko for my birthday.that is until this week.  when he found it on hbo, recorded it, and declared that this counts as getting me sgt bilko for my birthday.
dick.

4. artichokes and asparagus in mass amounts.  let the love affair continue.  i can't stop eating them.  i made these cheesy artichoke squares this week and i've been eating them everyday.  not to mention my asparagus pee is a testament to my maturity because i seriously laugh at my smelly pee every time i urinate.

5.  i'm sorry if water and sunsets are getting redundant.
but i love them.
a lot.
so fucking deal with it.

and we're off.  time to hit the ground running.  and by that - i mean avoid making plans with anyone so i can just read a storm of swords all weekend.

Thursday, June 28

Textual Feeling: Heat Stroke

hello world.
i'd like to announce that i've decided to compulsively bake this weekend.  so that means no one better bother me.  
or i will fucking shank you with a whisk.  
a wire one.  
after i have severed some of the little whisky things so they're pointy and sharp.
and i'm going to listen to zeppelin and elp on a constant loop throughout this bake-off with myself and it's going to be tremendous.

and in all seriousness - i was going another direction with this post and then i had this conversation with b.  and it instantly became my favorite thing in the entire world.
b: you'd be amazed how quickly this heat takes effect on the testicles.
me:  i'll do you one better.  imagine a sweaty, smelly vagina after an hour of intense cardio and then getting into a sweltering hot car that has no air conditioning and driving home.
b: your vagina doesn't cling to your thigh and begin acting like a creepy wall crawler.
me: you don't know that.
b: that's true.  i'm just taking a shot in the dark.
me: thank you.  i appreciate you not making assumptions about my vagina.
b: come on, we all know it's smelly and warn out.  kind of like a drained, inflatable pool.
me: i will neither confirm nor deny.
now go forth and discuss the intense heat and the damage it causes to your genitals.

Monday, June 25

Hairy Cleavage

i want to do something monumental tonight.  

like finish all the laundry that has accumulated in the basement.
or maybe eat a pound of bacon myself.
or paint a bookshelf.
or slay a mythical beast (preferably before eating the bacon as to avoid a stomach ache).
or create some sort of feast fit for a king.
or make an exact replica of mac out of cupcakes and skittles.
or watch every episode ever of true blood.
but we all know none of that will happen.  i'm just going to go to the gym, go home and shower my stink ass, and lay on the couch like a piece of shit.
which isn't unlike any other night of my life.  
but yesterday i made these guys:


oh, and i did make two pounds of bacon.  so at least there's that.  BUT, i didn't put bacon in either of the above things.  which i wanted to do but then shitler was all "absolutely not" and that right there is the exact reason his name is "shitler."  and i did go to the store yesterday and that in and of itself is a win because i at least left the house.  and as i was leaving shitler yelled "don't even think about coming home without muffins and ice cream!"  whatever.
but other than getting bitch slapped by the vodka on saturday - the weekend was average.  i like to measure the delightfulness of my weekend based on amount of money spent v. how much fun was actually had v. how craptastic  i feel on sunday v. whether or not i have a residual hangover on monday.
all in all - i'd chalk this weekend up to a win.
he's obsessed
 
simba
 
and lastly - how can you not take a picture of hairy cleavage?  lord knows i can't resist.

happy hairy cleavage monday from me (and shitler) to you.

Sunday, June 24

Vodka Always Wins

i battled a bottle of vodka last night.

and lost.

and now i'm just holed up upstairs sweating my ass off because the air conditioning doesn't work very well and i just want to watch five hours of dance moms and be left alone.
i don't care how nice out it is.


but look what i made:





yup.

and it's quite possibly the best thing i've ever done.  or eaten.

plus it speaks to my lazy heart.  because there's three ingredients.  and then you put in the microwave, warm it up, and cram it in your mouth.

so in case you would like to indulge this is all you'll need:

  • two 14 ounce cans of artichoke hearts (in water, drained)

  • a brick of mozzarella cheese, shredded

  • a cup of light mayo


throw it all in a bowl and heat it up in the microwave for five minutes.  dip whatever the fuck you want in it.

and it is good.  shitler even ate it.

[caption id="attachment_2125" align="aligncenter" width="1024"] look at that serial killer face on the left.[/caption]

Friday, June 22

High Five 4 Friday

ok.
if you're looking for a surefire way to get drunk please drink the following:
  • bota box of wine (it's like a juice box.  only no juice.  only wine)
  • glass of rumchata
  • jager bomb
  • 2 glasses of boxed wine
  • shot of jager
  • a beer
so thank god it's friday.  and i only have to work eight hours today.
here's my link up for lauren's high five 4 friday over at from my grey desk.

1. any glass of red wine.  seriously.
2. this cat.  because he might kill me.
3. 69'ing wedding bears at the $1 store.  they can't help they like to fornicate in public.  and dabble in erotic asphyxiation.  
4. i have no words for my dog.  he is a fucking nut-bag.
5. ladies and gentleman - i have stuck with something for two.whole.weeks.  and oddly enough - it's running.  which is the practically the worst thing in the world.  and if one more person asks me how awesome it is as i get used to it i will cram my fist down your throat.  because i hate it.  i hate every fucking minute of it.
so thank goodness it's the weekend.  what's on the docket?  more miserable running.  joy.

Wednesday, June 20

Textual Feeling: Underpants Optional

if anyone wondered how long it took me to get to the gym from my place of employment, don't worry, i timed myself today.  it takes me 3 1/3 "call me maybe" songs.

also, this happened today:
me: uhhh.  i got to work and realized i forgot to put on underwear.  so shitler has agreed to bring me a pair later.
b: what a sweetheart.  who forgets underwear?
me: sometimes i get confused in the morning.
b: it would appear so.
me: i just want some underpants before i go to the gym.  i'm worried i'll chafe without them.
b: nobody likes chafing.
**five hours later**
me: i just got my underwear.
b: wow.  did he have to make it for you first?
me: i could only imagine if i got a pair he made.  it would be constructed out of some sort of burlap.
me: also, he pulled up in visitor parking which faces right into the conference room.  and instead of just handing me the underwear like a normal person he insisted on whipping them around in the air like some sort of lasso.  mind you - there was a meeting going on in the conference room at the time.  so i can only assume they were all privy to the show.
b: well, at least they had an entertaining meeting.
*
i picture this is how murphy lee would look reminding  me to put some damn underwear on in the morning:

Monday, June 18

Whiskey, Water, & Whimsy

so the last time i was on the chain up in minocqua, wi i was so hungover that i spent the majority of the terrible boat ride wallowing in my own shame and hangover while every once and awhile leaning over the side of the boat to vomit.  all because i thought it appropriate to pressure myself and others into taking shot after shot after shot of various alcohols the night before.  worst.idea.ever.  i'd like to say that i've learned my lesson since and haven't done anything similar - but that would a lie.
like any other weekend up north it's comprised mainly of drinking, sleeping, more drinking, reading, drinking, eating, and then desperately trying to recover.  and then when the weekend is over you feel as though you need another weekend in order to rest from the shit show you just subjected yourself to.
please see below.
wendy and i decided it would be appropriate to buy these obnoxious clip-in feathers.
worst $5 i've ever spent.



and then shitler insisted on trying it on.

and then ryder channeled his inner jimmy fallon and decided to write thank you notes.

though these are not my legs we did spend quite a bit of time doing this and i managed to devour two books.  while slightly intoxicated.  and i retained most of it.
go ahead, fucking test me.

tell me HOW drinks can't not go down nice and smooth with this straw?

and then all of the sudden everyone was drunk.  again.  and there was a grease soundtrack singalong.

and then a photo shoot where we took photos and one of us didn't like the way one of us looked so we kept taking pictures and i drunkenly declared "the more the better!!"  and then we started doing tequila shots.  or it could have been before.  it's a fucking blur.  oh, and apparently when i say "the more the better!!" i mean 60 fucking photos of me and wendy.  how embarrassing.

i can only imagine what this dog thought of the entire situation.

i felt strangely average come sunday.  so boating wasn't the hellish experience it was last time.

although someone could have contracted tetanus.

if there's one thing i'm proud of - it's the fact that i ingested an obscene amount of food on sunday.  like two diet cokes, a screwdriver, a chicken finger basket that included cole slaw, french fries, and a deep fried breadstick, nacho cheese and chips, string cheese, a bag of bbq chips, red bull, a bag of beef jerky, a hamburger and a bunch of sides, and like 16 bottles of water.  
success.
and this damn song has been on repeat on my iPhone all damn weekend.  

so between the feather clips, photo shoots and this song i have officially reverted back to being a thirteen year old girl.

Friday, June 15

High Five 4 Friday

ever since i took a sabbatical from the restaurant i have fallen into the typical i'm-so-damn-giddy-because-it's-friday category.  because i don't have to fucking work.  it's crazy.  not working a second job means i can actually do stuff.  or not do stuff.  which, who are we kidding, it's usually the latter in my case. 

but here we are - it's friday and i wouldn't mind a high-fiving strangers i'm so excited.  why you ask?  because of the following delightful link up that i've recently started loving over at from my grey desk.

so here are the things i'm high-fiving.

1. going up north.  it's happening this afternoon.  and it will be filled with nonsense, and books, and wine, and relaxing, and napping and i couldn't be more excited about it.

[caption id="attachment_2031" align="aligncenter" width="453"] i'm well aware that drinking and sharp objects don't typically go well together.[/caption]

2. this fool.  because the minute i get home i am the only thing he is all about.



3. asparagus.  seriously.  i've eating it almost every night this week and it just doesn't get old.  neither does my smelly pee.  because i'm immature and i laugh hysterically every time i urinate.



4. in other green, shrubbery related news - the 1st sprouting of shitler's tomato plants have arrived.



5. game. of. thrones.  because i'm obsessed.  and i have cashed almost all of season one and two in less than a week.  and it's literally all i think about all day.  and when shitler tells me he's going over to his friends i get giddy.  like beyond excited that i can bury myself in the couch in a cocoon of blankets and watch it for the next six hours without any judgement or bitching from shitler.



and in my defense i have learned a lot from game of thrones.
like the fact that the night is dark and filled with terror.
and that if you're the mother of dragons people don't fuck with you.
that eating the heart of a horse makes you strong.
that incest is totally okay.
that the lannisters always pay their debts.
that you can torture someone by putting a rat in a bucket, strapping said buck to someone's chest, lighting the end of the bucket on fire and the rat will eat it's way into your stomach in an effort to escape the heat - thus torturing.
that if shitler and i ever get another boat i'm going to name it "the sea bitch."
and that i'm going to start sending messages via raven because i think it's more dramatic and demands an immediate response (
like from the travel agent that's been dicking me around for the last week.  an email is just so common nowadays but if a raven arrived and pecked at her window with a message she'd be like "this lady means business, i should get back to her.").

and that's that.  although i've been plotting the remainder of my day.  and i'm pretty positive i have time to squeeze in one more episode of game of thrones after i'm done with work and the gym and before we leave for up north.  enduring shitler's wrath is totally worth it.  

because i've learned how to endure wrath from game of thrones.

Wednesday, June 13

Because I'm Determined To Be A 4%'er

i'm going to train for a 5K.
i know that sounds like an odd thing to say.  like why wouldn't you say, "i'm going to run a 5K so i have to train for it."  but i'm not going to over-commit myself and then perhaps not actually run a 5K.  so i'm going to stick with the training part so not actually doing the 5K isn't such a crushing blow.
but here's to hoping that i follow through with this.  because it would be a real fuck-you to shitler.  except i fear that i'll keep this up for like two weeks but then i'll quit and then shitler might read this during the third week and he'll be like "see, 3%."
here are my shoes:

come to think of it - i'm not sure if they're actually good for running.  but i like the bright colors.  so here's hoping my shins survive the fact that i buy things based on color schemes.
and also, my first two training days have consisted of 25 minutes alternating between walking and running and for both of those runs i've listened to nothing but the following on a constant loop:


i'm just a soul survivor.  leave me alone.
if you have 5K training suggestions - by all means, give them to me.
but in the mean time i have two things to say:
1. i've reach the first part in gillian flynn's newest book that makes you go "what.thefuck?"
2. i watched an especially fucking awesome episode of game of thrones last night.  the one where the blonde chick eats a horse heart and she does it all crazy, cannibal style and there's blood running down her chin and chest and you think she's going to upchuck it all but she doesn't therefore proving she's insanely amazing.
i think that's what's missing with a lot of other shows on television right now.  not enough horse heart chow down sessions.

Monday, June 11

Things That Start With G Are Ruining My Life

yes i'm talking to you girls and game of thrones.
because we all know the last thing i need is one more thing to distract me from general, everyday tasks like making sure we have clean clothes and not letting the dishes sit in the sink to the point of all-out nastiness.

so i accomplished next to nothing on my list of unimportant things to do while shitler was away.
i cooked/baked/crafted nothing on my list.
this is what happened in one, gigantic run-on sentence.  gym, got my vagina waxed, bought asparagus, boat ride, ate pizza, watched the tudors, consumed wine, slept, woke up, made bacon pancakes, reluctantly showered, went to a bridal shower, messed with babies, ate some steak/cactus tacos, ate some potato oles, came home, watched every episode of girls on demand, drank more wine, watched x-men first class, drank even more wine, slept, woke up, made a point to not shower, did laundry, watched game of thrones, ate jell-o shots, left to eat carnitas and drink martinis, came back home, drank wine, watched game of thrones, said hi to shiter when he arrived home, made him watch three episodes of girls, passed out.
and now - i'm more resentful of having to be at work since i know that i have 32 more episodes of game of thrones waiting for me at home.
sommer hit the bottle a little too hard
he wanted a jell-o shot.
sommer was not having any of cordell.  which i think means she's a lesbian.
lastly, i just discovered that the pants i put on this morning have a giant hole in the crotch.  jackpot.

Sunday, June 10

bacon for all the meals

bacon.bacon.bacon.bacon.bacon.bacon.

sometimes that's all i think about.  and then sometimes when shitler and i go to breakfast and he boldly declares that he would choose sausage over bacon any day of the week i die a little inside.  because it's basically blasphemy.

but then this weekend i wanted pancakes.  and then i also wanted bacon.  but i wanted them intertwined in so intimate a  way that they would do a delicious dance in my mouth.
so b, the super fox, and i did this:



are you fucking serious? 

it was jubilant.  ask anyone.

and it answers the age old question of whether or not bacon makes everything better.  and the answer is yes, yes it does.

Friday, June 8

Mad Men Musings

i know.i'm way behind.
and all i have to say for myself is "
what the shit?"
how have i not watched this show before?  between the fantastic clothes and the blatant stereotypes - i just can't get enough.  not to mention that shitler keeps giving me pointed looks when women are complacently serving the men-folk and he keeps trying to convince me that those were simpler, better times because of it.  too bad he was unlucky enough to snag me and instead of making grand dinners every night of the week i go on obsessive bouts of making dozens of batches of champagne cupcakes.  
but that's neither here nor there.  because at least he's getting fucking cupcakes, right?
here are a few things i've observed from season one:
1. peggy is a slut.  a whiny one.
2. joan is a slut.  but i like it.
3. women are stupid as evidenced by this quote: "now try not to be overwhelmed by all this technology.  it looks complicated, but the men who designed it made it simple enough for a woman to use."  FYI - they're talking about a goddamn typewriter.
4. if you're pregnant you should chain smoke and drink.
5. don draper is a pimp - fucking droppin' panties left and right.
6. it's perfectly acceptable to hit another person's child.
7. drinking at work makes you more productive and is highly encouraged.
i counted how many times people lit up a cigarette in one episode.  i gave up after 33.
but regardless of how hilarious the stereotypes are there are some words of wisdom from mr. draper.
my two favorite?  these:
"mourning is just extended self-pity."
and
"you're born alone, you die alone, and this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts.  but i never forget.  i'm living like there's no tomorrow, because there isn't one."
PREACH DRAPER, PREACH.
there is something i would like to amend.  when roger declares that
"
we drink because it's what men do."
i'd like to be included in that statement.  it's my right.
also - i've decided to highlight which characters i would have relations with and which ones i would not.  
enjoy.  or just "X" out of this blog now.  i wouldn't blame you.





i wish i could say that i was going to spend the weekend watching every possible season of mad men that i could get my hands on - but i can't.  because shitler is out town (this might be the only time i have ever been upset about this) and he would murder me if i watched it without him.
instead - i'll obsess over the tudors.
**update**
shitler called me on his way out of town with this thought:
shitler: all day long i've been thinking about more ways i can be like don draper.  and i've decided that i'm going to go have fun this weekend and you're going to stay home and clean.  this way i'm that much closer.
me: whatever.
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