Thursday, January 16

withdrawal is a bitch

so shitler and i did the unthinkable the other day.


we cancelled cable.
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things are touch and go.  i'm a little shaky and a lot irritable.  
mainly because i have zero access to my favorite channel - BRAVO.  i'll readily admit that i watched almost every piece of shit show that bravo could think of.  bravo just understood me at the most basic of levels.  it offered me shows that made me wish rich people could adopt adults (like me, adopt me!), shows that highlighted people's lives that were bigger train wrecks than mine (therefore not making me feel so awful about my own tragic life), and also shows that made me want to punch babies (relax - ugly babies).  so currently i'm in a state of mourning.
but i thought that i would reflect back on the bravolebrities that i desperately want to be best friends with/be my roommate/become my personal bodyguard and drinking pal.

1. brandi glanville


girl is cray squared in the best possible way and she cracks me up.  there's nothing i like better than watching a hilarious woman who enjoys drinking, make obscene comments that make my jaw drop.  bitch gives zero fucks and makes no apologies for her whacked out behavior (at least not a lot of apologies).  and make no mistake - i enjoy brandi immensely.  i'm not sure how people can't get down with a girl that calls out the stench of another woman's vagina on live television, nor a woman that makes the clear distinction "i'm not a bully, i'm a bitch."
personally i've been looking to get into more bullying lately and if i had to pick a bravolebrity vicious enough to assist me i would go with brandi.

best brandi gifs are as follows:
 photo tumblr_meo7omQK4b1ql5yr7o1_400_zps0b48b665.gif  photo tumblr_mkc1phDwAM1ql5yr7o1_400_zpsf3a247ad.gif  photo tumblr_mf8gsgNAT81ql5yr7o1_400_zpsbbf6cb56.gif  photo rhobh-brandi-killyou_zpse98ab960.gif

BRANDI - call me.

2.  GG

i die for shahs of sunset.  like i want to be persian and wear all gold everything and have creepy witch-pointed nails like GG.  chick is a giant bag of crazy and mainly she scares me shit-less so i feel the need to side with her on everything whether she's right or wrong out of sheer terror at what she could do to me with her very much talked about knife collection.  also she goes camping with her family and i wish she would invite me along.
SIDENOTE -  homie is a tiny little thing and i get the distinct feeling she would wreck me if she ever felt the need to brawl with me.  
also anyone that says "if you come at me backwards, i'll come at you sideways" wins all the things.


best GG gifs are as follows:
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GG - you're the cutest, most terrifying litter bug i ever did see.

3.  stassi

i don't know how she does it but homegirl pulls off bitch better than anyone i have watched on television.  there is literally nothing that stassi can't do once she puts her mind to it.  some other bravolebrity that i can't remember once decreed "DON'T COME FOR ME UNLESS I SEND FOR YOU" and this is pure stassi through and through.
lady stassi dismisses people, controls people, and is the all-around HBIC (head bitch in charge in case you live under a rock and don't know what that means).  typically i'm one to be extremely annoyed by people that make their birthday (just your yearly reminder that you are, in fact, one year closer to death) a week long event that they can't shut the fuck up about.  but stassi is someone who's birthday should be celebrated every.day.of.the.year.
she needs to teach me her ways.

best stassi GIFs are as follows:
 photo tumblr_mifw15xCJO1ql5yr7o1_400_zps671487af.gif  photo tumblr_mmz2u0EDfT1rb87wyo1_400_zpsffeae1cd.gif

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stassi - don't be alarmed that you're the only waitress that i've ever wanted to skin and wear.

i don't know why i'm attracted to such train wrecks of crazy.  but i would give my right arm (my dominant one, mind you) to be a fly on the wall of any of their domiciles.  also, if i had one wish, it would be that stassi was constantly on television.  like mainly on a local cable channel because we just got a satellite thingy and we get like six whole channels.  i realize this post has been entirely about women from reality television that i kind of want to mouth kiss, BUT IN A PLATONIC WAY, and i'm not the least bit sorry if you came here and and you now think you've wasted your time.  i know i wasted my lunch hour surfing through all sorts of GIFs of stassi just to get my bravo fix.  whatever.

honorable mention goes to lisa vanderpump.
because if adults could adopt other adults i'd punch a pregnant woman to make it happen.


p.s. none of the GIFs are mine and i didn't make them nor do i take credit for them.  they either came from here or from tumblr and i'm too lazy to go back and find where i got them.  so blow me.


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20 comments

  1. I feel like the trainwreck on Ex-plosion should get an honorable mention. Even if she's not on Bravo. Never have I ever laughed so hard watching television as I did last night.

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    1. that deserves its own entire post. get real.

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  2. I agree- the breakup with cable and withdrawl from Bravo is REAL. But after almost 2 years without it, I'm doing ok. Between Netflix, Hulu and Amazon Prime, I have found more than enough ridiculous shows to entertain me.

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  3. i don't watch any of those shitty shows, I prefer my reality tv to involve food, but I really loved this post anyway. I think I want to skin all these women after reading about them so thanks for that. Also, I am sorry about your cable I know your pain.

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  4. I love that they are all bat shit crazy women!! They are always the more entertaining! GG is a boss!

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  5. all hail stassi!! i always think "bitch is psycho!!... i totally want to be her."

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  6. I gave up cable, cause I couldn't afford it at the time. Well, that was five years ago...and I still don't have it. I can afford it now, but I just have gotten so used to not having that bill, that I don't want it now. I used to be a HUGE trashy tv fan, too. Sometimes I miss it but I just go to my BFF's house and get my fix. :)

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  7. I fucking love Brandi! She is my hero of Housewives tv. Stassi is my second. I feel slightly depressed for you and Shitler, but best wishes with the no cable thing, you are stronger than I.

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  8. If you ever want to come to CA we can take a road trip down to Beverly Hills and eat at Sur and stalk the Pump and Stassi and get shit faced.

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  9. Have I really been missing this much greatness from Bravo? I cut myself off from said channel last year when I had a panic attack watching RHOC.

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  10. Dude, I don't even remember the last time I got to enjoy the benefits of cable. So much so that I have no effing clue who ANY OF THESE PEOPLE ARE. But I lol'd anyway.

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  11. Can't stop laughing. 😹 you can come over and watch bravo at my house and we can drink wine. In excess.

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  12. I haven't had cable in over 3 years. I use Netflix and Hulu Plus...$16/month. yes, there are some thigns I can't watch...or I have to wait forever until they put in on Netflix...but totally worth it to not have a cable bill. :)

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  13. I have been thinking about cancelling cable forever now. I don't know if I could really do it though. How long do you think you're going to last?

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  14. oh my god. I just died. "if you come at me backwards, i'll come at you sideways" , GG is one crazy btch. And I LOVE Stassi, you summed these classy ladies up perfectly.

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  15. I haven't watched much Bravo but after this post I think I'm definitely missing out!!
    I don't know how you can live w/o cable. I'd die. Literally. I would die.

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  16. We gave up cable 2 years ago... and it hasn't been easy. Luckily, my husband is a smart man and can get me all of the shows/sports I want to watch... but it's not as easy as it once was. Sigh. Oh Bravo, I do miss watching your marathons of great shows. And really, i don't know how you're giving up cable AND drinking. Seems like poor timing to me.

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  17. We gave up cable last fall, and internet because I have a douchy ex-husband who doesn't pay what he's supposed to - but I digress. I miss it all. =(

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  18. Please don't kill me... who are all these bitches?!

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c'mon.
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