jessie spano totally gets me

do you ever feel like there's just not enough time in the day?

i feel your pain jessie spano.  i really do.

first there's the pain the ass thing called a job that expects you to be present and "with it" for eight hours.

then there's all the eating that i need to get done.  like various dips, cheeses, bags of chips, and don't even get me started on the sandwiches.  at some point i need to factor in all the self-loathing from all of the food ingestion which will eventually lead to gym time.  then the amount of television i need to watch makes itself known in my already extremely full brain which includes but isn't limited to american horror story, new girl, america's next top model, the walking dead, modern family, the real housewives of new jersey reunions and also the lost footage, and then also eric & jessie: game on.  it doesn't help that i often get stuck just staring at pictures of dogs in boxes and then sometimes i just sit and stare at the blank page of the blogger screen and hate everyone.
which, by the way, hating things takes up a lot of time too.

so basically what this post is trying to tell you is that i have zero time management skills and also really shitty priorities.  because there are ideas for things semi-drowning/doggy paddling around in my brain but i choose not to entertain then and instead rot by brain instead.  whatever.

but really.

the dog.is.in.a.box.

save second base

If you haven't seen the pink cleats scattering the football fields of every NFL game or the umpteen amount of pink ribbons floating around Facebook lately then you might not know that it's Breast Cancer Awareness month. But have no fear because Erin from Two Thirds Hazel got a whole bunch of bloggers together to bring you a giveaway just to make sure you remember.  The point of the giveaway is to raise awareness about this deadly disease as well as to raise money for breast cancer research in order to hopefully one day end it. And what better way to do that than to throw a whole bunch of PINK prizes your way to entice you to feel yourself up to check for lumps. That's right, feel yourself up by giving yourself a breast exam! Aka the only mandatory thing you'll need to do in order to enter for your chance to win. Win what you ask? Well let's take a little peek and see the prizes shall we.

1) A $300 gift card to Victoria's Secret PINK. Or just Victoria's Secret if you so choose. But either way you'll be getting TONS of new bras to carry those lovely lady lumps of yours around in. And with this much money you might even be able to snag some new panties and a bikini or two!

2) Over $100 worth of makeup and accessories. Snag yourself a lip duo from Sephora, a few blushes, nail polish, lip balms, a makeup bag, a watch, a scarf, a rose quartz and pearl bracelet, a pink pouf from Stella and Dot and more!

3) Over $100 worth of ad space. Get your pretty face on the sidebars of some awesome blogs in order to grow your own blog and gain more exposure.

4) $60 worth of Essie nail polish. You'll get five different pink polishes as well as base and top coats. Add in a pretty pink nail file and your digits will be thanking you for months to come.

5) A set of pink Vino2Go wine glass cups. Because what better way will there be to celebrate winning this giveaway than to sit down and pour yourself a glass (or two, or five) of wine.

6) A $25 design credit. After you're done shopping for new bras, painting your nails, applying makeup, throwing on new accessories and drinking wine, go update your blog with this awesome credit.

Erin // Karly // Kallie // Melissa // Sami // Taylor // Whitney // Helene

Erin // Shanna // Chelsea // Shannon // Samantha // Jordyn // Sarah // Lauren

Lauren // Misti // Nadine // Nicole // Stephanie // Stevie // Michael // Allie

Juliette // Royal // Maddie // Sarah // Steph // Akirah // Mason // Amanda

And now that you've met all of the amazingly generous ladies behind this giveaway, I think it's about time we got to entering it. So start stripping and begin feeling because the best method of prevention is early detection. If you've never given yourself an exam and need some guidance be sure to read the following information brought to you by the National Breast Cancer Foundation on the best ways to get the job done. If you already know how to get yourself to second base then carry on and head straight down to the Rafflecopter below to enter!

1) IN THE SHOWER Using the pads of your fingers, move around your entire breast in a circular pattern moving from the outside to the center, checking the entire breast and armpit area. Check both breasts each month feeling for any lump, thickening, or hardened knot. Notice any changes and get lumps evaluated by your healthcare provider. 2) IN FRONT OF A MIRROR Visually inspect your breasts with your arms at your sides. Next, raise your arms high overhead. Look for any changes in the contour, any swelling, or dimpling of the skin, or changes in the nipples. Next, rest your palms on your hips and press firmly to flex your chest muscles. Left and right breasts will not exactly match—few women's breasts do, so look for any dimpling, puckering, or changes, particularly on one side. 3) LYING DOWN When lying down, the breast tissue spreads out evenly along the chest wall. Place a pillow under your right shoulder and your right arm behind your head. Using your left hand, move the pads of your fingers around your right breast gently in small circular motions covering the entire breast area and armpit. Use light, medium, and firm pressure. Squeeze the nipple; check for discharge and lumps. Repeat these steps for your left breast. -----------------------

Since the primary purpose of this giveaway is to spread awareness, the only thing that's mandatory in order to enter is for you to give yourself the breast exam. The second option available for entry (although definitely not mandatory) is to donate to the Susan G. Komen foundation. This option will get you the most entries because you'll be given an extra entry per every dollar you donate. A $20 donation equals 20 extra entries. Make sense? Good. So get to entering and find some pink fluffy feelings in your heart to help out a great cause!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

legally getting beat up black out drunk

just thinking about my twenty-first birthday makes me want to dry heave. i'm not sure how it works in other states but those here in wisconsin we celebrate at the moment the clock strikes midnight.  and naturally there's a shitload of pre-gaming prior to the turn of the clock as well.
so let's get to it.
the day was may 26th - seven years ago (sweet lord am i old) and friends from near and far came to celebrate (really it was just like three people and one was from my hometown and the other two were from college in minnesota so not really that far).
so the pre-gaming. here they are, off to a good start, with shannon spilling on herself.   obvious indication that it's probably going to be a good night.

and naturally it's a family affair because shitler's idea of a good twenty-first birthday gift was a six shooter spinny thing that you could put all sorts of different kinds of booze in and of course shannon's dad and uncle lance had to test drive it (god does shannon want to hurl just thinking about it).

now shots and posing for pictures was clearly the thing to do.

and it was at this point in shannon's drinking career that it was clear she hadn't like all the way learned the concept that "it's a marathon, not a sprint."

as the clock struck midnight and the day officially turned to may twenty-seventh shannon and her cronies departed to the super classy establishment called sharkey's.  it was here that it was discovered that shannon was easily the most excited person on the planet to get her ID checked.  like ever in the history of the world.

nothing outrageously out of the ordinary happened.

just good old fashioned getting wasted on your twenty-first mainly.  

and naturally since shannon went out at midnight like she was part of some sort of cast of the jersey shore she naturally had to cram all of her drinking into a short two-and-half-hours which led to things looking like this.

fun fact: all of shannon's skanky friends got to sleep off the hangover while a probably still drunk shannon had to pull herself out of bed after three hours of sleep to work a shift at the cemetary since memorial day weekend is a big time for cemeteries.

even funner fact: note that shitler is in none of the pictures.  it's because shitler was on his way back from illinois and told shannon not to get too drunk so that he could see her but she paid him no mind, got beat up black out drunk and was taken home before she was even able to see him.  good job, shannon.

i feel like i have a residual hang over just re-living that fucking shit show.

my poor liver.

dear tom brady

dear tom brady, fuck you.  no really.  i stood a fighting chance had you simply decided to be a bit more present in yesterday's game.  instead you did nothing but get me negative points and cause me to internally rage.  i know you have a lot going on in your life.  i can only imagine your love of gisele, ugg boots, your children, and now apparently turtlenecks can be overwhelming and hard to juggle but i'm going to need you to do your job.  and that job is throwing mother f'ing touchdowns and getting me monster fantasy points.

via

you're stuck with me tom.  so i'm going to need you to nut the fuck up for next week's game because week five was just garbage.  are we clear, tom? shit like this will simply not do.

god it just makes my brain explode TOM BRADY.  does it make your brain explode?  i sure hope so because that was quite the poor showing.  you get paid an annoying amount of money to do one thing - THROW TOUCHDOWNS.  so get it together and do so.  please and thank you.

sincerely,

shannon aka one seriously pissed off fantasy owner

p.s. you better hope my kicker gets like 45 points tonight tom brady.  or else.

anyway.  now that that's out of the way.  tom brady just takes me to a level that i don't like to stoop to but it was necessary.  he's not going to get that tough love anywhere else but right here.  so he should really thank me.

with like a check.  for a lot of money.

how are all of you kids doing?

super i hope.

aside from the train wreck that was tom brady yesterday my weekend wasn't altogether that terrible.

i read a book.  mindy kaling's book actually.  she has a really great section on "best friend rights and responsibilities" that is truly a must-read.  this is the best quote about best friends.  ever.

then the packers won (even better because they beat the lions).  and i got to play with a kitten.

and the tom brady bullshit aside if every weekend included the packers winning and just a bunch of kittens i think i would be the happiest person alive.  

like in the history of the universe.

but that's it.  that's all i did. AREN'T YOU JEALOUS. whatever.  it's sami time.

why constant photo boothing would make my entire life better

i dare anyone to try and show me a terrible time has happened whenever there's a photo booth present. i mean a wedding you're at can be like the most tragic thing that's happening at that moment. like you can hate the couple, the chicken is dry, you probably think that's a pube in your potatoes au gratin but then you double take because you think that's a man setting up a photo booth and your night is made.
it goes something like this:

here's four reasons why the constant presence of a photo booth in my life would make it inexplicably better. 1// for the moments in your life when you need to know immediately how you can try to look sexy with an obnoxious top hat and polka dotted bow tie but it's only awkward and maybe someone is going to channel the remedial look - a photo booth would be great for that.

2// for any moment where large neon green glasses with no lenses and a man in a green wig and sombrero otherwise wouldn't pair well together (much to your chagrin) but a photo booth changes that.

3// for the moments in your life when things are so horribly damaged and you don't think they could get any worse but then you like discover a horse head and things are magically fixed.  but that wouldn't have happened without the presence of a photo booth.

4// for the moments in your life when you need to channel the '03 bonnie and clyde - HOV and B immediately and it needs to look like a mug shot - a photo booth is perfect for that.

whoop there it is. someone me get a photo booth.  pronto.  because i'm a huge fan - RIGHT SARAH? and this song.  it's everything.  and i'm obsessed with everything that bastille does.  everything.

just slow motion back your ass up to it.

weddings are exhausting

i am like 100% over all things wedding. that includes but certainly isn't limited to my own.
frankly between the showers (which i wrote about here) to the nightmare that my destination wedding has turned into (wrote about that here) i'm feeling slightly disheartened about everything.  because, to be honest, people seem to always want to make their bullshit your bullshit.  as if we don't already have enough bullshit of our own.  i just want everything about my wedding to be nonsenical and fun.  if you don't like to drink and make poor choices in tropical locations then you probably shouldn't come.  and everyone should stop trying to saddle me with the eight thousand excuses of why they're not able to come or why they haven't booked yet.  because the bottom line is that i don't care.  
if you're going - SUPER DUPER SEE YOU THERE. if you're not going - SMELL YOU LATER.
basically i just want to look really, really pretty on my wedding day. like cassie did.

and then i just want a whole lot of ridiculous shit/drunkenness to happen afterwards.

which isn't a whole lot different than like any other normal day but it will look kind of like this.

a shirtless shitler.

my personal favorite.

p.s. just imagine beaches and a pool/the ocean in the background of all these shots and you should have a pretty good idea of what the wedding will be like.