Tuesday, July 2

i hate showers

anything wedding-related befuddles me.
my train of thought usually goes something like this:
"wait - you paid how much for tiny personalized tubes of bubbles?"
"i'm sorry but lavish centerpieces like on 'my sweet 16' are an actual thing?"
"sweet lord a venue costs that much?"
"excuse me how many people are invited?  jeez - i don't even know that many people.  am i a loser?"
"so not every girl imagines herself just heading to the courthouse, banging out a marriage in front of a justice of the peace, and then heading straight to the bar?"
honestly.  it's like the entirety of the wedding industry is just punking everyone and since that show isn't around anymore everyone just keeps falling for it.  
so basically it's ashton kutcher's fault.  THANKS A LOT ASHTON.
because this is me in a nutshell about all weddings and their nonsense:
 photo tumblr_mowk0oDY3c1ql5yr7o1_400_zps94f2927d.gif
considering the fact that shitler and i have been together since diapers it was damn hilarious to see so many of my friends getting engaged and then run the marriage-planning gauntlet.  mainly because all i kept thinking to myself was "all my friends are getting married and i'm just getting drunk."
and then i'd drunk-giggle to myself and pass out on the couch.  so when shitler proposed last september i pulled a david at the dentist and was all "is this real life?" and then when i discovered it was real life i was like "now what?  do i do things?"
because if you come here often you'll know that i'm governed my inherent and overwhelming laziness and also my general "i could not give less shits about anything" attitude.  so to say that i'm at the opposite end of the insane bridal obsessed-i've-been-planning-my-wedding-since-i-was-six spectrum would be an understatement (because seriously there were better things to do when you were six.  like play red rover and ghost in the graveyard.  your six-year old self needs to retro-actively get their shit together).
but there's a point to this.  
because on the list of wedding-things i don't understand are bridal showers.
bear with me.  i understand the point of them.  i understand that you and whatever dude you're marrying are going to be "LIKE EMBARKING ON LIFE TOGETHER" and that apparently means you need shit like seventeen different colored spatulas, or perhaps shrimp forks because "OMG DUH - everyone needs shrimp forks," or even worse that silver tea set you've had your eyeballs on.    but here are some reasons why i don't like bridal showers.

1. BYOB?
apparently it's weird to ask if it's BYOB.  which, in my defense, isn't something so crazy to ask.  chances are they're serving up some sort of punch with thirty ingredients that are guaranteed to give me gut rot so if it's cool to bring my flask or miniature bottles of booze i'll do so.

2. fish in a barrel.
i'm by no means IRL popular.  at all.  but i swear that my general distaste for having to do things i don't want to do or be forced to hang out with people that i would be content never seeing again somehow turns me into the person that everyone wants to be around.  and for what reason i don't know.  suddenly, now that you're at the shower, it's everyone's opportunity to talk to you, grill you, try and joke with you, and generally annoy you.  it's as though 75% of the people in that room are people you don't want to talk to and were mildly successful at avoiding before you had to attend the fucking bridal shower and said bridal shower ruined everything.

3. the registry.
i could think of a thousand better things to register for than what the appropriate things to register for are.  is it possible to register at my favorite bar?  like for shots?  eleventy-billion throw-a-way tupperware contains because duh.  paper plates instead of expensive, stupid china because whatever environment i don't like doing the dishes.  gift cards to clothing stores so that i can just buy new clothes when it comes time to do laundry.  one of those IV-drip machines so i can fill it with coffee, insert it straight into my bloodstream, and wheel it around with me wherever i go.

4. the gift-opening.
is it just me or am i the only one that thinks it's borderline ridiculous to sit around and watch someone open a thousand gifts that they've picked out for themselves?  i mean, don't get me wrong, i would never be mad at the stuff but can't they just take that stuff home and open it?  then drop a thank you note in the mail?  basically you turn, at tops, what should be an hour-long shindig into an entire day-ruining event.

5. wish drinking.
let's be honest - bridal showers leave you spending a majority of the time wishing you were drunk.
because of all of the above reasons.

all bitching aside i'm totally having a bridal shower.
at the bar.
you're all invited.
bring your best drinking outfit and be prepared to level up.


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37 comments

  1. I'm right there with you... All this bridal stuff is insane! I wish we couldve just gone to the courthouse and then partied it up after but my family would have flipped their shit.

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  2. My type of bridal shower!! I'll be there!

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  3. bridal showers fucking suck. I'll come to yours though, because they should all be at bars.

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  4. haha the last baby shower I went to, that I did not throw, was awesome. She has a punch bowl full of mimosas, and bottles of wine. I swear I was the only one drinking. I don't think I can handle any function without a booze anymore.

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  5. I have already told my friends I don't want a stupid bridal shower. I want to go drink. And open presents. Because they owe me presents. ALL OF THEM. EVEN SKRIMP FORKS.

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  6. yessss #4 !!!!!
    i could not agree with you more. bridal showers are legit awkard for everyone. and how about sometimes the poor groom goes and he's the only dude there? i bet he wishes he had a shot gun.

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    1. he probably wishes they would have REGISTERED for a shot gun.

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  7. i think showers are the worst. I usually lie and say i have another engagement so i can just eat, drop off a present, and leave.

    I like that you use the phrase gut rot. i like it a lot.

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  8. I would love to have a bridal shower at the bar, wedding at the courthouse, and a fat party where everyone is wasted for the reception. Buttttttt....I guess I actually have to date for that to happen. Hahahah

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  9. I'm not having one- I honestly don't see the point. I was one of those people who got married in 2 minutes in front of a judge with no one around and then hit the strip [vegas]

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  10. If it's at a bar, I'm down.
    But if there are any other games, aside from ones such as beer pong and flip cup, I'm out.

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  11. Ugh. Yes! And to top it off several of my MIL's friends I HAD NEVER MET decided to throw one for me. They kept calling me to discuss tiny details about stuff I gave zero fucks about. Then the entire shower experience itself was miserably awkward since I didn't know who most of the people were and didn't know who to look towards to thank for the random ass gifts I got. Like the matching his and hers monogrammed lobster aprons. I kid you not. Guess how many times those sexy little numbers have been put to use.

    So good luck with all that. It's so fucking miserable.

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  12. STOCK THE BAR PARTY. That is the only kind of shower I wish to have. Also, we registered for a kegerator. Not kidding. We labeled it as a *Must Have*. We figured if we had to register we might as well have fun with it.

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  13. We don't have bridal showers in the UK (or at least nobody I know or have heard of ever has) and I'm glad after reading this! It sounds so pointless! I like the way we do things, opening gifts in private after the wedding. It was nice to have something to do the next day and not to be consumed by the 'oh, it's all over, what now' blues.

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  14. Finally. I can read your blog. Thank you sweet baby jesus. And now I will tell you that I will probably be the bridal obsessed girl, although I'm with you on the present opening part and the getting drunk. Totally necessary.

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  15. Showers in general are fucking stupid. And opening gifts in front of people...oh why you just bought me a $200 something or other that I won't ever use but hey let me put on my fake that's so awesome sweet happy face and say a HUGE gracious thank you. Fuck that. I'll always say thank you but I don't wanna pretend to like shit. I'm not 8 anymore! But at the bar, well fuck yes. I'll buy you shots as your gift.

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  16. As much as I love presents, I really, really dread the idea of a shower. Totally stealing the "let's do this shit at a bar" idea.

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    1. let's unite and change the face of all things wedding related.
      and by change things i mean do most everything at bars.

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  17. I can't tell you how much I enjoy reading your wedding posts when I'm going/thinking the same things.
    I forgot the bridal showers were real because I always avoid them and now people are asking me about mine and 87% of the time I scream, "What the fuck you talking about?!?!"
    Also, my pooping habits have increased as now all I have to do is look up prices for things like "photographers" or "wedding cake".
    Oh, and people telling me that perhaps it should just be a wine and beer wedding to save money? That's a dry wedding in my mind!

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    1. THE ENTIRE DEBACLE MAKES MY BRAIN BLEED.
      it's ridiculous and i just want to know when everything will be OVER.

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  18. I hate going to showers so flipping much. When I get married we are having the shower at a bar, there will be no games and I will NOT open presents in front of people.
    So, no. You are not alone in this at all.

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  19. Ah I've never heard it called Leveling Up before...we call it Wizards, (like a wizards staff), but I am totally coming!! lol. Opening gifts drunk it was better than not drunk and I am speaking for experience. I hate being the literal center of attention so do what ya gotta do to get through it.

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  20. I am right. there. with. you. When my sister got married last year I was stifling laughs around every corner. Really? You want us to make you a hat out of the ribbons that you tore off the gifts I bought by not eating for a week? I can think of something else to do with them...

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  21. hahahahahahahah. Love this. I am getting married in October and the thought of going to Target or (heaven forbid) Bed, bath, and Beyond scares the shit out of me. 95% of our clothes and our home is thrifted. I don't want a $25 spatula. I don't want a $300 washcloth. We are thinking about doing REI to get camping and bike stuff that we could never afford otherwise. And for the bachelorette party (there are two brides) we are going camping. No hats. No games. No pin the tail on the mammal. (No puking in my mouth.) Thanks for this. I really, really can relate.

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    1. YOU'RE GOING CAMPING!?
      holy crap do i love this. what a fantastical idea. honestly.

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  22. i just might get drunk on my wedding day and let all the guests know just how much everything costs. but i did splurge for open bar.

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  23. I've got my party pants on. I'll bring my own beverage AND bring your own beverage, for the wedding princess who hates showers. how's whiskey sound?
    p.s. come to my shower with that beer tower.

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  24. I agree with you 100% about opening gifts at wedding showers. So silly.

    PS At first i thought this post was all about you not wanting to wash yourself.

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  25. Lol the little girl's wedding planning are better as long as a tween. I literally hate bridal showers. I would prefer to see you opening gifts at bar. Would you like a photograph? Hah!

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  26. you know, you make some very valid points. especially the one about watching a girl unwrap presents she's asked for.

    i think it has something to do with a girl having a dowry (back in the stone ages), and eventually we made it so that the girl's family's friends could contribute to that thing and save the parents that expense (which is exchanged for the often over-the-top expensive wedding ceremony and reception).

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  28. I registered for a ton of shit and returned it and bought booze and coffee. Highly suggest it. I also just read your ENTIRE blog on a road trip from Florida to Ohio. Hilar.

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    1. WELCOME to the nonsense that is this blog.
      and don't tell anyone but i like your style and now i just want to return shit and get the shit that i actually want.

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  29. "All my friends are getting married and I'm just getting drunk." - I want this to be the tagline on a book of funny memoirs you will write and I will buy. Also: fuck yeah weddings are some weird bullshit. Why do people constantly fall for all this weird pricey stuff? I don't know. My hubby and I registered for action figures - and received them.

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  30. Showers are the most annoying thing ever. Fortunately my mom is amazeballs. I know it will border on the typical "classy" affair it should be but there will be EXPRESS instructions that it will be FUN. No lame party games. No stupid bow hat. Beers, cupcakes and FUN.

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