Tuesday, July 23

this probably explains nothing

if i were in the business of making recommendations i would recommend not drinking two-thirds of your meals out on a boat.  on a sunday.  when monday = work.  especially when you've agreed to work a shift at the restaurant.  as in after your regularly scheduled 8-hour day job.  as in you're terrible at life.

speaking of being terrible at life (heyyyy segue) - have you ever taken a moment to evaluate your life and then been, not disappointed, but perhaps just apathetic.  like "huh - this is it hey?"  but then i thought more about maybe why that's the general consensus about life around these parts and i've come to discover that it's mainly because i'm the least motivated person i know and also because at any given time my priorities are just whacked.
so i present to you three reasons i'm terrible at life:

reason #1 - improper thoughts = at any given point of my day i'm thinking about my couch and usually mentally counting down the hours till i can be back on it again.  this also applies to tacos.  i'm 100% the person that makes plans and then secretly hopes you cancel them so i don't have to get off of the couch.  except to get tacos.  i would get off the couch to get tacos.  have you ever heard that dane cook bit where he berates his friend for thinking about creamy treats all day and that his life is a wreck as a result of thinking about creamy treats all day because of it (youtube it if you haven't)?  that's me - except swap out creamy treats for my couch and all the tacos in the whole wide world.

reason # 2 - improper motivation = me only being motivated by short-term/instant things.
diets?  i'm terrible at them.  i need instant gratification with the least amount of work possible.  i need to lose twenty pounds but i only want to work out for maaaaaaaaaaaybe ten minutes every day.  maybe every other day.
i'm also super good at being motivated by booze (which is counter-productive to dieting and/or being healthy).
promise me free drinks in order to get me to do something?  i'll have it done in five minutes or less.  forget me doing something because it will be beneficial to me (like dieting and not being a fat ass for my wedding) but hey - if shitler dangles a bottle of wine in front of my face and begs me to just one load of laundry so he can actually wear some clean clothes then consider it done like five minutes ago.

reason # 3 - improper intentions = me doing like the worst things knowing full well that the outcome will be complete shit (which coincidentally is the definition of insanity so maybe this explains everything).  see: drinking on a school night.  see: eating an entire bag of chips in one sitting.  see also: both of those things while sitting on the couch waiting for someone to bring me tacos.  sometimes my improper intentions means poking the bear for my own entertainment.  and by bear i mean shitler.  sometimes it's just plain fun to whack people with the proverbial stick to get some fucked up reaction for your own amusement.

so there you have it.  the three convoluted reasons i'm terrible at life.
chasing your dreams?  sounds exhausting.
being apathetic? sounds perfect.

now bring me a taco.

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15 comments

  1. i love this post. i had more to say but the bottom line is it was awesomely accurate

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  2. Oh man...i could have written this. This is me 100%. You are not alone! :))

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  3. Yayyyyy. I suck at life toooo.

    Also, I have tacos and beer and wine in my fridge. Is that enough to get you to my couch or what?

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  4. As far as this post goes, you and I are the exact same person.

    Sometimes, I even get too afraid to answer my bestfriends call because I just know that I'll have to turn her down because I'd rather sit on the couch with wine and doritos and Pinterest/read blogs all night instead of having to put clothes on and drive somewhere, then stay not-drunk-enough to drive home.

    Couch life, yo.

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  5. i am having tacos for dinner. also, i think you will look pretty on your wedding because you are pretty, even if you never work out again.

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  6. I am always counting down until my next nap. ALWAYS.

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  7. I love me a good nap and being apathetic about life.

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  8. This is why we're soul mates, chicken noodle.

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  9. I can be motivated to do anything if there is chocolate involved...otherwise...egh.

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  10. Number one is soooo me. I'll have plans after work and then usually use "I'm-so-tired-we-were-slammed-my-feet-hurt excuse to cancel because my couch sure is comfy!

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  11. I'm nodding my head at all of this. I think I'm in love.

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  12. "i'm 100% the person that makes plans and then secretly hopes you cancel them so i don't have to get off of the couch. except to get tacos." hahaha I fucking love you.

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  13. I had tacos from this awesome taco truck Saturday night at 3 am. I mean Sunday morning. Whatever. I drove 15 min out of my way to get them too.I'm just glad that I 'm not the only one that gets bribed with wine to do laundry. (as if he can't wash his panties himself)

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