Tuesday, July 30

five reasons you should have your own shitler

lately i've been seeing/talking to what seems like a crapload of people (when really it's like three because hi - i don't have many friends) who are just living the shit out of the single life.  and while i can respect the single life for the solo-living and the fly by the seat of your pants type of decisions that mean you don't ever have to run anything by anyone i have to respectfully disagree about being single.

and cool your jets.  because this is certainly not an ode to loving shitler because i'm not, nor will i ever be the type of girl that thinks her husband/finance/boyfriend/whatever farts sparkles and rainbows because that guy farts and it's nasty-town, usa; population: shitler.
but here are five reasons you should have your own shitler.

personal butler
there's always that awkward moment when shitler isn't home and my wine glass is empty and i'm just fucking lost as to what happens next.  do i wait for him to get home so he can pour me another glass?  do i *gasp* do it myself?  should i call him and see what his ETA is?  HELP ME.
as you can see he's bringing me both my bra and beers.
joint checking
because misery loves company.  i'm broke, you're broke, etc.
there was a time in college when apparently i didn't know how money worked and just spent coinage like it would magically replenish itself.  needless to say it was quite the deep hole i had to dig my way out of and i had to do it all by myself.  but now that shitler and i have joint checking it's nice to sit and commiserate with someone that you can't pay your bills, you can't do anything fun, and also your bank account is negative.
just a couple of kids regretting that whole college thing.
a partner in crime that doesn't have a vagina
and no - i'm not the type of girl that's all "OMG i sooooooo don't get along with girls" and yes having chicks around is nice.  but when you live with someone and you're almost always on the same wave length it's just one giant relief.  i mean do you know how often "so do you just want to stay home tonight and be a piece of shit?" gets said in the shitler household?  the answer is "a lot."  and not to mention having shitler is the perfect person to talk shit to.  first off he barely listens to me so i can just rant till the cows come home and second he's like a vault and the key to said vault has been lost a long time ago.  i never, ever have to worry about shitler double-crossing me and revealing my deepest hatred for my mortal enemy.
i do like to think we can have an ok time together.
having to be social is exhausting
i could sit and listen/live vicariously through everyone else's single life for the rest of my natural life but there is no way in hell that i actually want it for myself.  i imagine that with dating comes the need to shower on a regular basis and/or give a flying fuck; neither of which i can be bothered with.  and i honestly cannot fathom having to consistently talk to new people or date new people.  it could be my inherent laziness shining through but i am, and always will be, a creature of habit.  i want my couch and my shitler (and sometimes i don't even want shitler).
i mean could time is the best time. and so is hand down the pants time?
they're stuck with you
HAHA sucka!  you asked me to marry you and i already called "no take backs" and now you're fucked.
those terribly disgusting sweat pants you can't bear to part with and wear constantly?  ya - they have to suffer through being around them.  your whining on a regular basis?  welcome to the thunder dome bitch.
my bullshit? well - now it's your bullshit.
and i don't even feel bad about it.  because now they're in it for the long haul and it kind of feels like you secretly won the lottery (except you're still broke) because you can be the terrible person you really are and they have to just accept it.
i mean - you'd date us, right?
in closing i realize that these reasons aren't very good reasons for wanting your own shitler
but oh well.  i guess the real question is did i actually convince any of you?
post signature


  1. Essentially the same reasons I 'love' my boyfriend.. except he doesn't have a nickname like Shitler. This definitely needs rectified like asap, I officially want my own shitler, in the least creepy way possible.

  2. 1. I'm proud that I can say with complete certainty that I helped inspire this post.
    2. I wouldn't mind having a Shitler around.
    3. Did Shitler rob a bank or what? Did he find a money tree? I gotta know.

  3. " a partner in crime that doesn't have a vagina" yep! most of the things i babble on and on about i'm pretty sure felipe doesn't give one flying fuck about but on the upside i know he's never going to repeat it. i really had to train him to say, "What a bitch!" though when complaining about people because for some bizarre reason he'd always try to defend my enemies when I was ranting. no no no babe, "what a heinous bitch" is the only acceptable response to this!!

  4. I fully agree... I have never wrote any of this down in words, but it is exactly my sentiments.

  5. People really are exahusting which is why it's better to just marry your best frined, man. I couldn't agree more with this post! I also think every man should have a nickname as well. Yours is Shitler..mine is Sheep Ethyl.

    1. THEY ARE.
      it's just too much and i think they should stop asking us to be so social all the time. ummm and i love your man nickname. like a lot.

  6. these are wonderful reasons. and luckily i do have my own shitler but we call him jose.

  7. I love this.
    And yeah I kind of want to know if he robbed a bank or not!?!
    We can be friends. I mean...we can bond over cheese fries.

  8. In addition to Brin's video of Dexter saying Shit, this made my day. obviously I love the word shit... Dex saying shit, a post about SHITler... except now that I know his real name... its not the same. oh and thanks for leaving the other two people in that group text out. classy.

  9. ' welcome to the thunder dome bitch.' Shitler's a saint. Did he rob a bank? That would make him even better.

  10. Mmmmhmmm... I love everything about this. Sometimes when my husband is out of the house for too long I'll text and ask when he's going to be home because I miss him and he instantly responds 'wait, are you just hungry?' I guess he knows me better than to think I actually miss him and understands that I'm stranded on the couch and cannot possibly make myself dinner. Wah, wah.

  11. I might not want a shitler but i sure as hell want my own butler.

  12. This. This is exactly why I got married.

  13. Story of my life.

    From this post I know one thing: If anything, Shitler and Ryan would bond over both dealing with assholes like us. Honestly.

    And I love you. And your Shitler.

  14. This makes me proud of WareBear. He would appreciate this. Hell, I appreciate this!

  15. I'm glad I have my own shitler. All you have said is total spot on!

  16. This is hysterical. I am in-between having one and not - such a tricky stage!

    Sparkles and Shoes

  17. My shitler won't go get shit for me. I have to do it myself a d he tellse what a lazy ass I am when I don't go get it. We're certified lazy asses together, so it's ok by me.

  18. Hilarious! Does Shitler have a brother or cousin I can get in on?

  19. But where does he get the money from? We need to know because we also need some of that. So I can gamble it all in Vegs.

  20. omg this is so awesome. i'm with you on being social is a big fucking headache..i'd much rather stay at home and do nothing all day, erryday.

    and that pic of shitler sleeping with is hand down his pants is classic.

    1. he's riDICKulous.
      really. and YES - social niceties are for the birds.

  21. These are the best reasons. Also: they carry the heavier groceries. But yeah, lounging on the couch in my boxers, laughing my ass of with Shawn (my shitler) about things that are just completely "inappropriate" and "immature" is The Best.

  22. This whole post is just pure amazingness.
    These are good reasons for me to want my own shitler. I'm convinced.

  23. Haha this is amazing. I'm glad I found my husband without having to do a ton of dating for basically all the reasons on this list.

    Smelly wine butlers taht you can be lazy with ftw!


leave a comment.
you know you want to.

Back to Top
Copyright © gin and bare it: five reasons you should have your own shitler