Friday, June 7

shannon after dentist

PSA alert: dentists are liars.
back in the day when i actually went to the dentist (only because my parents made me) the dentist was all "oh wow you're so lucky.  there's zero sign of your wisdom teeth on these here x-rays so you won't have to ever deal with that!"  
p.s. it actually happened.  my mom was there.  ask alison.  i dare you.

fast forward to many years later.  more specifically this last tuesday morning.
i woke up with some seriously intense pain in my jaw.  like someone was insisting on poking that muscle that connects your jaw.  so naturally i did what i do best and popped some advil and ignored it.
until it continued to get worse.  like i couldn't open my mouth.  and then it hurt to chew anything.  and then finally my cheek started to bruise and shitler so kindly pointed out that the right side of my face did look chubbier than normal.  so i reluctantly made an appointment with a dentist because honestly i'm a giant vagina when it comes to pain.  with the appointment made i immediately started to panic because basically everything was probably wrong with me and i was for sure going to die.  and i might of considered just being drunk for the appointment but it was at 8AM in the morning and i may not have high standards but i certainly need to draw the line somewhere.  so i just internally panicked like a lunatic while getting the dental x-rays done and it turns out the dentist i went to previously is a fucking goddamn liar because sure as shit my top two wisdom teeth are just hanging out in my mouth although i do not remember inviting them to the party.  and it wouldn't be so bad if they were just being good party guests.  but no - it turns out that the one on the right side of my face is insisting on growing partially side-ways into my face therefore causing me to want to claw my face off.

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so now i have to go to an oral surgeon.  for just a consult.  which i was going to have to wait two weeks for because that's the only time they had availability.  but then i for sure had a melt down on the phone and explained to them that i can't live my already fucked up life with this type of face pain so then they magically made me an appointment for today.  i've already decided that i'm going to need to be completely knocked out.  i want to hear nothing and be aware of nothing.  i'll pay extra - i don't even care.  shitler said he's pretty excited for whatever state i come back in and that he can't wait to video tape and make me agree to things.  my response was: "things like anal?"  and he was all "no.  like i'm going to get you to agree to let me buy lots of shit."  and honestly he gets no points for creativity.  because i would totally get people to agree to anal and then just hold it over their head for the rest of their life.  but regardless.  i'm sure it will totally be shannon after dentist and maybe i'll do things like this:

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also i don't have a lot to high-five.  other than i mixed myself a wine/pill cocktail last night and it's the only thing that kept the pain partially at bay.  it's also annoying that you can't pop pills at work.  but here are some things i'm high-fiving.
and FYI i almost included all the pictures i ginstagramed from last night because i forgot i even gram'd them.
i blame the pills.  and the alcohol.

1// we're like a thousand percent positive that's where mac sits all day while we're at work.  he's devoted that's for sure.
2// does anyone else just petrified of these things like i am?
3// she's wisened up to my attempts to get pictures of her.  so now baby b just flies across the room in her attempt to avoid being photog'd.
4// took the hounds to the vet this week.  talk about expensive assholes.  see also: they're fat.
5// over this GoT thing.  just dying.

finally it's on to my favorite part of the week.
which involves moving in a backwards direction and also my ass.  and also whit-zizzle.

p.s. i've been thinking a lot about pocahontas lately and why the wolf would ever cry to the blue corn moon.  because that shit doesn't even make sense.  #colorsofthewind

p.p.s. please tell i'm 100% overreacting about the wisdom teeth.  i think i'm just a giant pussy and wish i could just ignore this till it went away like all my other problems.

Gin and Bare It


  1. dude. at least you have drugs! Also, if it makes you feel any better my wisdom teeth ruined my straight teeth.

  2. Soooooo my sprite is all over my shirt and laptop thanks to the pocahontas reference. thanks for making a sick girl laugh

  3. I had the SAME issue. I was told no wisdom teeth. One day I had extreme pain, so much so that I was crying because I couldn't eat, and went to the dentist an hour later to be told that all FOUR of my wisdom teeth were coming in :/ One of which was really close to the nerve.

  4. I agree, I was told the same thing as you, my orthodontist assured me that when he moved crap around in there that my wisdom teeth would have plenty of space... Until I had the god awful pain that you have right now, and I was the same way...

    I hate the dentist, it requires medication to get me to actually make a phone call to the dentist...

  5. You will be fine, Mija! I had mine done 2-ish years ago and I am still alive.

  6. I always rebel and use the normal door if its there for handicapped people. I don't even care.

    Hope you can numb yourself enough to make the pain disappear!

  7. I got all four out a couple years ago. It wasn't THAT bad. They gave me the drugs, I passed out, I woke up crazy high off of whatever they put in me, on the car ride home i talked nonstop and told my mom a bunch of stuff I now regret, slept for 20 hours straight, and then enjoyed my strong as fuck painkillers for the next several days. Everyone felt sorry for me all week and I was high as a kite. It was grand.

  8. I am so sorry!! I hope you get better soon and please let me know when you are feeling better so that I can tell you the horror stories from my Wisdom Tooth Surgery. And if you are reading this comment before your surgery, let me tell you, I have never heard of anyone who had such a bad experience so you will be fine.

  9. save a few of your pills for when your teeth don't hurt. they will go way better with the wine then...or so i have heard, i would never do such a thing.

  10. I had all four of mine taken out at once. They knocked me out good and I felt great the rest of the day. I don't remember having a lot of was more just feeling gross with all the gauze and the big fucking holes in the back of my mouth. Irrigating them a couple weeks later was pretty disgusting but not painful. I just hated seeing all the food I ate during the day get wasted in the holes. Yuck sorry.

    1. gross.
      just gross.
      but if it just makes the damn pain go away then bring it on.
      also the drugs will help.

  11. omg that is going to suck i'm sorry but also can i come? can i work the video camera? ask shitler for me.

  12. I have spent the last 5 minutes googling blue corn moon. Apparently there is no actual meaning or folklore background to that term. The songwriter just "liked the sound of it". What a tard.

  13. Dentists are pieces of shit assholes who live to make people miserable. No, but really...on top of being ridiculously painful, dental work is the most expensive thing ever. Gross. Hope you come out unscathed and with tons of pain killers.

  14. Revolving doors are fun!!! Wtf is wrong with you ho!

  15. Hell yeah, they're liars! And it's like dental law that no matter what you pay day of, and no matter what your shitty dental plan covers (everyone has a shitty plan, EVERYONE) there is always, always, ALWAYS a bill with a couple hundred more due. Eff dentists. Eff them all.

  16. I feel your pain. I had 5 wisdom teeth and believed my lying dentist when he said it made me smarter than most people. No you asshole, it connected my mouth to my sinus cavity so that water came out my nose when I gargled post-surgery. You'll totally be fine though, provided they give you drugs. I always love an excuse to yell at people (I'm in pain, man!)

    Revolving doors suck, especially the ones that start and stop while you're walking and you end up smacking your face into them. Not that I've ever done that...newp.

  17. Seriously my man friend would have been talking about anal. He's a freak.

    Just focus on the drugs you'll get. Ain't nobody gonna complain about some drugs.

    p.s. I fucking hate the dentist and this post took everything in me to read it.

  18. Wish I could tell you you're overreacting, but I am a huge baby when it comes to dentists. Lately, if I open my mouth really wide, I get a pain in the right side of my jaw and I've self-diagnosed that it's just because my mouth should never be open that much...the end.

  19. My dad had this thing he always did whenever he had to see a dentist: he'd grab them by the balls and say, "We're not going to hurt each other, are we?"

    Screw dentists. Use self-hypnosis to heal your teeth and run the bastards out of business.

  20. We think WE'VE got it rough with dentists?

    Google, "Revealing How Dentists Profit By Abusing Children" - a reporter's piece about what's going on in at least one U.S. State, although I'm pretty sure this disgusting, evil, vile, practice isn't just happening in America.

    As for the so-called 'authorities' in that story, may the individuals concerned be exposed and punished for turning a blind eye and for permitting the continued torture and abuse of children for dental profits.

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