Thursday, December 29

Live and Die by the Stars in the Sky

G sent me my horoscope from the journal sentinel this morning:

"friends surprise you with the kind of news that leaves your momentarily speechless while your brain searches for the right thing to say.  it's probably better not to say much.  being present and willing to listen will be enough".

nobody tell me anything. 
mainly because i don't care. 
plus, lincoln always chastises me because sometimes i say something with a certain intention and it comes out the complete opposite way.  that's the nice way of putting it.  he usually means, "just because you don't set out to be a bitch doesn't mean you're not being an actual bitch about it." 
which is totally true.  so once again, nobody tell me anything.  because i find it hard to stay quiet.  and i'll probably be a raging bitch.
after G sent me that i was in the horoscope mood.  so i checked msn:

 

"The horizon is clouded with doubt. You're feeling the frustrations brought about by recent decisions about your love life. In other words, you're getting cold feet! Today you must draw on your willpower and self-control in order to face your problems realistically while vanquishing your anxieties.

 

i guess lincoln and i should break up.  that's probably not what the horoscope means, but it's early and i've only had  one cup of coffee and i'm not equipped to process anything deeper and i saw the phrase "you're getting cold feet" and that's where my mind went. 
even though we're not engaged or anything like that.

in fact, last night lincoln played video games till 1AM.  i'm not sure why some females are annoyed by gaming.  i embrace it. 

 

lincoln gaming = lincoln leaving me alone.

 



[caption id="attachment_817" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="this just makes me laugh."][/caption]

also, i'm not sure what "today's sun reading" means but here's today's.  and i like it.
"Get ready to enjoy many special, positive experiences, thanks to the morning Moon sextile Pluto. You rise to the occasion in every one. Singles, be social go out tonight and meet lots of new people. Couples mutually feel that life is going just the way they want it to."

i don't like anything else other than the phrases "sextile Pluto" and "rise to the occasion"  because i think they go hand in hand.  but i don't know what "sextile Pluto" means.  and since it's "sextile Pluto" and singles should be social and "meet lots of new people" i'm going to assume that means have sex with lots of new people.

here's a picture of michael flatley:

[caption id="attachment_818" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="lord of the dance."][/caption]


 

Wednesday, December 28

Martha Motherfucking Stewart

i've been sewing. 

and i'm happy to report that i still have all of my fingers and they haven't been sewn together.  so in my opinion - even if i didn't have anything to show for my endeavors - i'm still winning.

so here's my baby. 
i haven't named her yet.  i'm taking suggestions.

[caption id="attachment_788" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="she's so damn good looking."][/caption]

i've been to joann fabrics two, too many times and spent far too much money. 
it may or may not be my new favorite place.

[caption id="attachment_789" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="some of my haul."][/caption]

here are my first two projects.  they took me forever.  mainly because i'm terrible at re-threading the machine and have to have lincoln do it for me. 
he gets real annoyed. 

[caption id="attachment_792" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="here's a placemat i'll never use. but it's cute."][/caption]

 

 


[caption id="attachment_796" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="a seat cushion for my ass. because that chair is damn uncomfortable."][/caption]

 

i've been mildly successful.  and i like that.

i've got a lot on my list of things to make.

curtains.

potholders.

pillowcases.

more placemats.

weird things for the cat to wear.

 

the opportunities are endless.  well.  there is a limit.  because i'm not good and my projects still tend to look like shit.

Monday, December 26

Four Goddamn Hours Later

i embarked on a sewing machine project this afternoon.  it took me four hours.  and this is all i have to show for it:



[polldaddy poll=5791177]

it would be great if you voted.  that way i know the temperature of the crowd and i can go in that creative direction for my next projects.

Sunday, December 25

And Now I'm a 1950s Housewife.

you realize priorities have changed when you receive xmas presents like these and are simply over the moon excited about them.

[caption id="attachment_752" align="aligncenter" width="300"] heavenly.[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_753" align="aligncenter" width="300"] lincoln is going to get a lot fatter.[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_754" align="aligncenter" width="300"] i'll be doing some badass decorating.[/caption]




as i received these gifts and declared it the best xmas ever i realized that i felt like a 1950s housewife and i'm strangely ok with that.  i'm going to make so much cool shit. in other news.  this is why i love my family:

and this is why i love my family A LOT:

[caption id="attachment_765" align="aligncenter" width="300"] wheelchair tricks and cigars.[/caption]

all in all, it's been a good holiday.  i'm glad it's over.  and i'm thrilled it will be another year until it happens again.

i do have one complaint.  i wanted one thing and i didn't get it.  i just wanted to stop menstruating.

it didn't happen.

it has been happening for 24 days.  death.


This Has Next to Nothing to Do With the Holidays.

ahhh the holidays.  a few thoughts come to mind: stressed, drunk, broke, exhausted, etc.

like most people, Lincoln and i have to cram 37 x-mas' into two days. 

it's always a treat. 

here's some photos that capture my xmas eve:

[caption id="attachment_719" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="phase 1 of the destruction of my kitchen is complete."][/caption]



[caption id="attachment_720" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="motherfucking mini cheesecakes"][/caption]



[caption id="attachment_721" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="packaging my delicious treats."][/caption]



[caption id="attachment_722" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="mah balls."][/caption]



[caption id="attachment_726" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="color shot of mah balls."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_727" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="suspicious dog."][/caption]



[caption id="attachment_728" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="slightly more normal dog."][/caption]



[caption id="attachment_740" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="i got you some pussy for xmas."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_746" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="these are my brother's grades. i find one class to be the oddest."][/caption]


 also, i took a shit this morning.


it's an xmas miracle.





Thursday, December 22

Textual Feeling: B Gets The Runs

b: you eat nothing but salads, you get constipated.  i eat nothing but salads, i can't keep anything in.  what the fuck?

me: serves you right.  enjoy the runs.

b: hey, fuck you.  i've been nothing but sympathetic towards you since you began your whole diet experience.  besides, i just wanted to keep you in the loop.

me: keep me in the loop?  with your poop?  that rhymes.  i'm hilarious.

b: you're something allright.  not quite sure if hilarious is the right word though.

me: hysterical, perhaps?

b: you are thinking on the wrong end of the spectrum, my dear.  start heading more towards evil wench.

me: i'd prefer evil witch.

b: wench is more accurate.

me: why can't i be a witch?

b: because witches aren't as whorish.

me: what about sarah jessica parker from hocus pocus?  she was a slut.

b: she's not real.

me: you're a real downer.

b: just trying to bring you down to where you bring me.

me: if you're trying to make me feel bad about myself it's not working.  mainly because i've been thinking about otters all day.

b: i would never try to make you feel bad about yourself.  i feel bad enough about you for the both of us.

me: when you're ready to play nice we can continue this conversation.  in the meantime - enjoy this picture:

[caption id="attachment_715" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="i realize this otter is a repeat, but it's delicious. and it's trick or treating."][/caption]

 

Wednesday, December 21

Best Motherfucking Xmas. Ever.

tis better to give then to receive.

i just think i'm bad at accepting gifts.  because when people give me something extremely nice it makes me feel uncomfortable.  and then i feel bad that they probably spent a lot of money on me.  and then i worry about appreciating it enough and end up feeling like i'm not appreciating it like i should considering how much they probably spent on it.  which is why i don't have nice things.  and which is why i love when people give me socks as gifts.

but this christmas has officially become the best ever.

because my manager got me this:

[caption id="attachment_706" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="i'm so happy i could cry."][/caption]

i will not be working the second job tonight because i'm going to go home and have a meatloaf extravaganza. 

pictures to follow.

Tuesday, December 20

Textual Feeling: Red State. Not To Be Confused With My Menstrual Cycle

B: so, i see you finally watched red state.

me: good god.  i wish he was my pastor.

B: that dude was way fucked up.  such a great movie.

me: totally.

B: yeah, Milton shot that one guy.

me: i couldn't take him seriously.  not from office space or from when the pastor laid into him and started talking about feces on his scrotum.

B: i can't ever take him seriously with any character after office space or dodgeball.

me: what i will commend the loonies for is containing the bloody mess with saran wrap after they shot that guy in the head.

B: yes, you wouldn't want to get infected with the gay in his blood.

Me: no, since they consider it so contagious.

besides Yeti, i've recently indulged in one of those batshit crazy, radical religious movies that was on Netflix streaming.  props to B for mentioning it and thanks to Lincoln for badgering me till i watched it. 

it was.  INSANE.

i must warn that i had to edit the convo between b and i so that it wouldn't give anything away and please note the textual sarcasm when referencing homosexuality.

but most importantly, if you love guns, violence, right-wing nut jobs, charismatic pastor/cult leaders, perceived sexual deviancy, hymns, John Goodman, killing sprees, and overall ridiculousness then this movie is for you.

if you'd like a more concise version you can imdb it.

[caption id="attachment_698" align="aligncenter" width="208" caption="LOVE YOUR DAMN NEIGHBOR!!!!!"][/caption]

Friday, December 16

Ghost-Faced Wasted

i just want to get ghost-faced wasted.

i don't even know what that would consist of - but if i get so wasted i think i'm a ghost or convince myself i'm invisible like a ghost or haunt people like a ghost or do anything ghost-nature related - i'll have achieved my goal.

which would be ultimate drunkenness.

i hope ghost-faced wasted includes sitting like this:

[caption id="attachment_684" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="i realize this is maybe how i would normally sit - but if i was drunk, maybe i would think i was a ghost cat and that would be kind of wonderful"][/caption]

and you can go ahead and be jealous of my sweet jacket i'm wearing today.  shiny black suit-style-jacket with a delicious flower on the lapel.

[caption id="attachment_685" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Lincoln is a fool for not wearing it"][/caption]

i don't have anything else to add other then i have to go to my second job.

ugh.

but here's a picture of a trick-or-treating otter:

 

[caption id="attachment_692" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="may the force be with you."][/caption]


 

oh, and i'm jealous of this family.  a baby seal NEVER sneaks into my house.

Tuesday, December 13

Happy Holidays - I Fucking Hate You.

i made a list of all the people i will be giving gifts to this year.  and i must confess -
it took a dark turn.

as i compiled my list - my brain began to think about the people i didn't like/despise and how my christmas would be truly merry if i could only give them things that would ruin their lives (or at least their holiday season).

the first person that came to mind is the person i have to encounter at the restaurant and in order to cope with said person i have to use that one book called Dealing With People You Can't Stand.  it's hard to be around a person you know is a filthy, rotten liar/braggart.  the person that one up's everything you do.  like when this person found out that my grandma had passed away from cancer and promptly informed me that their grandma had died from a worse cancer than the one my grandma had. 
congratulations. 
the person that says they're allergic to cheesecake so they don't have to refill the desserts at the end up of the night, but then horks down mini-cheesecakes that i bring into work.  the person that has literally done everything that you have done - but 100 times better and on a much grander scale.

for this person i'm thinking about the gift of magazine subscriptions.  a crapton of them (a la The League) and fill each one out with "bill me later."  although, now i have to ask said person for their address which will more than likely require me to have an extended conversation which is punishment enough for me.  and i'm lazy.  and this person doesn't truly matter.  i'll keep you posted.

this next person is family (although i don't really consider them to be) and is truly a pox on humanity.  i don't think there is one good thing i could say about this person.  in true awful form - they're a liar, delusional, and in the business of making their children's lives miserable.  they talk to me when i don't want to talk to them.  they're selfish.  nobody in the family likes them and no one will let me say anything because there's some sort of abject fear that it will rock the boat.  i say rock away.

here's a list of things i would like to say to this person:

  • shut the fuck up

  • nobody likes you

  • you're a terrible human being

  • i bet santa brings you coal every year but since you're such a liar you tell everyone otherwise

  • shut the fuck up

  • stop talking to me

  • seriously, shut the fuck up


i've decided to make every single person in my family treats this year.  truffles, cake pops, peppermint bark...maybe fudge.  i'm going to individually wrap everything and attach hand-made nametags that i've spent hours decorating.  and i will pointedly leave this person out.  and hopefully this person will ask if i forgot theirs at home and i will say, "why do you have to make everything about you?  isn't it a little presumptuous that you would think there's one for you?  BECAUSE THERE ISN'T."  or maybe this person won't say anything, but they'll make eye contact with me and then i'll stare back with narrowed eyes and they'll know what's up.  it's a tad passive aggressive but i think it'll make my holiday a little more jolly.  and i think santa will be relieved.  because then he doesn't even had to bother stopping at this person's house with the obligatory coal.

or maybe i'll give both these idiots a pack of shawn white gum.

or maybe pictures of hairy pussy:

[caption id="attachment_660" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="nothing says i hate you like hairy pussy and dirty boxers."][/caption]

or maybe some of Lincoln's dirty boxers. 

things could get worse.  i'm feeling diabolical today.

Monday, December 12

Now Shawn White Is Just Taunting Me

i was just minding my own business at lunch.
sorting through my coupons.

and i stumbled upon this:

[caption id="attachment_651" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="shawn white gum. really?"][/caption]

look at all that goddamn hair.  ridiculous.

although - it IS a good deal on gum.

Hey Shaun White - Cut Your Fucking Hair. Please.

i saw a commercial this morning. 


i can only recall bits and pieces as to what the actual message of the commercial was about because i was stunned into silence at long-haired shaun white.

[caption id="attachment_639" align="aligncenter" width="193"] what. the. fuck.[/caption]

has he been like this for years and i've just been out of the loop? 

i don't even know what to say.  except that i like his necklace.

i made an attempt to find out what the commercial was about, but upon googling shaun white i just found more and more pictures that i couldn't wrap my brain around.

[caption id="attachment_640" align="aligncenter" width="207"] i'm a ginge![/caption]



i don't even have a caption for that last one. 
i'm speechless.
if anyone has a suggestion for a caption - that would be great.  leave a comment.

my brain hurts.  the only thing that made this googling long-haired shaun white fiasco any better was this photo:

[caption id="attachment_647" align="aligncenter" width="224"] it's like the universe is trying to tell me something about the yeti. i haven't figured out what yet.[/caption]

if you're confused about the yeti and its relevance - click here.

also, if this turns into a series of posts about shaun white - i'm sorry.

Sunday, December 11

Curse of the Snow Demon?

so yesterday i made the mistake of letting myself get sucked into a movie on the SciFi channel (and by mistake i mean one of the greatest decisions i've ever made):

[caption id="attachment_626" align="aligncenter" width="227" caption="YES."][/caption]

i tuned in about halfway through.  and thank god because nothing grabs a viewer's attention more than a bunch of supposed-to-be college students sitting around a pile of burnt corpses trying to stay warm in their hoodies after surviving a plane crash in the himalayas.

i'm not even kidding.

there's your typical in-fighting and weighing the pros and cons of cannibalism.  it was enough to keep to me mildly interested while sorting through my coupons.

that is until a motherfucking YETI showed up.

prior to me tuning in - the yeti had been dragging away the corpses and feasting on them.  but after the token asian character set fire to them the yeti had no choice but to turn on the living people and use them as sustenance.  imagine, much to my viewing pleasure, when the yeti, having been robbed of his food source, turned violent and began to target the survivors.  here's the deal: the survivors were waiting to be rescued and simply had to let whatever mysterious creature that was stealing dead bodies continue to steal dead bodies and they would have been fine.  but the do-gooder asian, taking it upon herself to ensure that the cadavers had a modicum of dignity, unleashed the fury of the yeti when she selfishly lit the bodies on fire.

i don't want to give too much of this stellar flick away.  but here is a list of reasons why i would watch this film again:

  1. the yeti ripped the beating heart out of a ginger

  2. he curb-stomped some bitch

  3. he made off with some chick that used to be in that show popular (i was hoping the yeti would try to mate with her.  no such luck.  he just spooned her.)

    [caption id="attachment_630" align="aligncenter" width="210" caption="REMEMBER!?!!?! she's the one on the right."][/caption]

  4. he squeezed some woman's skull like he was popping a zit and i can only assume her brains exploded

  5. he ripped of some guy's leg off and beat him to death with it


here's a trailer.







i guess what i learned this weekend is that i don't watch enough SciFi channel.  i had to miss an afternoon of Ice Spiders and Snowmageddon because of the second job.  it ruins everything.

but at least i have my own yeti.

Morning Constitutional, Etc.

everyone shits.

if you're someone like Lincoln, you shit more than the average person.  sometimes you shit while still trying to ingest whatever it is that you're eating (also Lincoln, and in his case it's usually Taco Bell). 

everyone has their routines when they shit.  some take their phones into the bathrooom with them (don't you dare try to deny it).  some people prefer a magazine.  Lincoln has a book of crossword puzzles he tackles (which is good for him, because it's chock full of them and since he shits about 7 times a day, it keeps him occupied).

frankly, when i'm in the bathroom, whether it's 1 or 2 - i just prefer to be alone.  but that is utterly impossible in my house.  between Lincoln barging in and the obsessive animals - it's like a goddamn party in the bathroom.

it never fails that mac will barge in if you do not close the door to the bathroom and make sure that it latches properly.  the cat will yowl at the door to be let in or sneak in when you don't realize it and occupy himself in the bathtub.  murphy usually supervises.

[caption id="attachment_613" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="this isn't weird or anything, is it? you don't mind if i just stare at you?"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_618" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="i'm a stupid cat."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_615" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="i'm watching you."][/caption]

the thought of me having children is utterly terrifying, but the fur babies in my home make it seem like i'm already a weird type of mother.  all three of them follow me everywhere and they're constantly underfoot.  the cat isn't a big deal.  but when two 50+ pound dogs need to be as close to you as possible - it gets a tad annoying.

 i haven't even #2'd yet this AM.  i'm sitting in bed while Lincoln slumbers next to me.  my food porn is on and i have a coffee in hand (so #2 shouldn't be too far off). 

i realize this post has been about nothing.  and murphy just belched while laying next to me.

consider this a teaser - but my next post will be about a killer movie called "Yeti."

Thursday, December 8

Thug Love

dear bigwigs at wordpress,

your video upload setup blows.  no, i do not want to pay $60+ to upgrade so i can add videos.  i will continue to utilize youtube.  because it's free.  and i'm cheap.

i found this video from awhile back. 

freak.







also, i listened to this song on the way to work this morning.  nothing like some bone thugz at 7AM.  really gets the blood pumping.







sidenote: i chose this youtube video because of its sweet slideshow.

Wednesday, December 7

Raptor Jesus - They Say I'm A Dreamer. No, Wait, That's Blasphemer.

so i was thinking about jeff goldblum the other day.  i'm not sure why.  it's possible that i was talking about jurassic park and Lincoln was  probably telling me that i was a fucking weirdo.  in his defense, he's probably right.  because i go on these fanatical kicks where i become wildly obsessive about something in particular.  a while back it was jurassic park.  it was great because for a month they showed all the movies on the movie channels.  but then they stopped.  which was horrible.  so i went to one of those used movie stores and bought all the jurassic park movies and then found all the x-men movies.  so i bought those too (who wouldn't).

but back to the task at hand.  jeff goldblum.  i don't recall why i was thinking about him but i was.  so i started googling.  and found this:

[caption id="attachment_575" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="shirtless, lounging jeff goldblum. uh, ok?"][/caption]

shirtless jeff goldblum was heads above the rest  of the other jeff goldblum pictures. 
but then i found this:

[caption id="attachment_576" align="aligncenter" width="198" caption="raptor jeff goldblum."][/caption]

it stirred something in me; resurrected my deep-seated love/fear of all things velociraptor.  in turn, it made me remember a movement that my friend bowser and i tried to join but it never panned out.

VELOCIRAPTOR AWARENESS DAY.

fun fact: december is national velociraptor awareness month.  don't believe me? check it out.  and then there was this blog entryconcise and to the point.

what i've gleaned from my research is that december is awareness month but april 18th is the actual awareness day. 

so this means i have another addition to my things to do because i'm sober list (which hasn't hit paper or this blog, but is just a bunch of jumbled up nonsense in my head).  and that's partake in velociraptor awareness day.  i need to do some more research. 
but in the meantime - check these out:







[caption id="attachment_582" align="aligncenter" width="239" caption="this is totally true."][/caption]

i'd like people to know that when i set out to write this post i had intended to focus on those final destination movies but i went the jeff goldblum direction instead, which then turned into raptors, which then morphed into raptor jesus and perhaps i'm now teetering on blasphemy. 

i'm not sure.

what i do know is that i want one of these:

Tuesday, December 6

I'm Obsessed With This Pussy. And I Don't Even Care Who Knows.

[caption id="attachment_568" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="pink-pawed motherfucker."][/caption]

 



[caption id="attachment_570" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="pervert."][/caption]

Christmas Music Makes Me Want to Kill Myself

i don't care that the title of this post is both bold and probably incredibly offensive.  it is exactly how i feel about christmas music.

i hate the radio year round.  but i despise it especially throughout the holiday season.  and i wouldn't hate driving so much if Lincoln would follow through and finish the ramshackle job he started when he went to put a cd player in my car.  instead, i am forced to listen to the repetitiveness that is radio.  none of my presets are set up so i have to do that thing where you scan through while simultaneoulsy try to keep an eye on the road and not kill your fellow travelers. 

but that's neither here nor there.

i'm not sure at what point in november people think it's appropriate to play christmas music - but let me make myself clear - it's NEVER appropriate.  there's always some radio station that plays christmas music fucking constantly (sidenote: it must be fucking awful to work at that shithole of a station) and and it never fails that when i'm scanning through while driving i happen to hear a nanosecond of it and i swear it causes me to seize. 

i will allow a limited amount of christmas music one day and one day only.

christmas day. 

that's it.  every other time i hear it i want to commit horrible crimes.

here's something fantastic i found and is literally thought for thought how i feel (except i'm not jewish).

there is one song that i will allow.  this one.





 but i think it's mainly because i love anything to do with rodents doing human things.

case in point:






OR my personal favorite:






i now realize that this has turned into a post about rodents and how much i love seeing them row boats, sing or dance (among other things). 

but it's still mainly about how much i hate christmas music.

Monday, December 5

I'm Not A Hateful Person, These Are Just the Things I Hate

in no particular order, these are the things i hate with a fucking passion.  this is nowhere near being done, but at least it's a start.

  • whistling
  • people who can't spell (i recently had a family member post something on facebook and use the word "rejoys."  i no longer consider us related)
  • braggarts
  • nickleback and los lonely boys (i don't know how far heaven is.  stop singing it like the answer is going to magically fucking come to you)
  • my neighbors (i called her a miserable cunt to her face once.  the truth hurts)
  • talking on the phone
  • peeing (it's a waste of my time)
  • people that think it's inappropriate to talk about taking a shit
  • people who don't use bookmarks (your cockiness will be your undoing)
  • the chicago bears
  • the kindle/nook (i refuse to be part of a movement that murders books)
  • people who groom themselves at work (stop clipping your fingernails.  i can hear it.
    it's disgusting)
  • not drinking
  • the bananas foster guy at the salsa cantina (no one cares that your recipe is awesome.  you're a show off)
  • showering (which is why i love camping)
  • people who don't ask specific questions when they're looking for a specific answer
  • rollercoasters
  • cleaning/laundry (also a waste of my time.  like peeing)
  • christmas music (it may or may not send me into a murderous rage)
i guess i don't hate as many things as i thought.  although these are just the first few that came to mind.  sometimes hatred creeps up unsuspectingly. 
addendums to come.

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Copyright © gin and bare it: December 2011